VERSE 1

It's a constant struggle, but it doesn't feel like it should be.
I'm a privileged white male in a first world country.
Got a world of varying opportunities.
But it feels like, in that world, someone's out to get me.
Even if it's my own self-destructive tendencies
That I don't realize I've got until I've got no enemies
And I still fail miserably.
What can I do to ensure that I've got a place in this world
That's not just being a consumer?
I can consume a number five, buy smokes, and thrive on all the humor
F rom those around me, but I feel like a tumor.


CHORUS

We're all just looking for a place to be.
But it doesn't really matter geographically.
Gotta find the right place in your mind.
Mentally.
Do what you love, not what's assigned.
Destiny.

BRIDGE

I've got supportive friends and family.
That's all you need, right?
But I manage to fuck up handily.
I put up a fight
Against myself, but I win every time.
Which means that I lose every time. That fuckin' guy's in my prime.
And so it's hard to define what is and isn't a sign.
Expectations aligned with everything in my mind.
So I'm just walking the line between doubt and success.
But every time I lean one way, it seems I'm stuck on the fence.

VERSE 2

Dug myself so deep, I'm in a mine under China.
Put to work, suited up, poor excuse for a miner.
Everywhere I look, I'm just trying to find the finer
Things, but I bring with me a faulty definer.
Good things have bad qualities that ruin 'em.
Or maybe I just need to loosen up.
It's human to analyze everything until it's close to dead, right?
Over-think and suck the fun right outta the sunlight?
I picked up a mic so I could express myself.
Now all I can write is shit to depress myself.
But getting it out feels beneficial to my mental health.
Take my feelings, analyze, and put em back on the shelf.

CHORUS

We're all just looking for a place to be.
But it doesn't really matter geographically.
Gotta find the right place in your mind.
Mentally.
Do what you love, not what's assigned.
Destiny.

VERSE 3

I see the changes I can make, and analyze examplary
Situations that I have taken part of from my memory
Analyze what it is at stake, rewards that lie ahead of me
But every risk is greater than the benefits. Pre-emptively
Remove myself from situations negative selectively
Objectively, obsessively. Realize the offensively
Hypothetic anomalies present themselves deceptively.
Too late now, it's passed and I have missed out reprehensibly.
I can't get through to myself if I tried.
In fact, I have tried. Many times, but I collide
With everything. Every reason to be wrong, I find.
Try to be happy is the only truth I abide.

CHORUS

We're all just looking for a place to be.
But it doesn't really matter geographically.
Gotta find the right place in your mind.
Mentally.
Do what you love, not what's assigned.
Destiny.
x2

A Losing Battle

Re-recorded and remastered.

VERSE 1

Deep inside lies a demon under the guise of a friend.
Red-eyed, he despises the good thoughts that I send.
He tries and succeeds at causing me to descend
To his level, and after all this time, I've grown to depend
On his embrace. Shrouded face, motivations are bent.
Steals my highs when I'm low enough to hide from his scent.
His intent is unclear, opposite the extent
Of damage he can inflict while I sit here and lament.

CHORUS

No escape that I can find
A respite from my own damned mind.
Arrested in my own decline.
I nod my head and say I'm fine.

VERSE 2

Always a nagging voice, never a moment alone.
It's like I don't have a choice, dude never throws me a bone.
It started out as a seed, but now the flower is grown.
When I'm content on my own, he calls to make himself known.
Tried to run, but he didn't need a ticket to get on the flight.
Keeps me up at night reminding me of the things that I might
Fuck up if I try, so I just lie in defeat.
Curled up, depleted from a day of internal deceit.

CHORUS

No escape that I can find
A respite from my own damned mind.
Arrested in my own decline.
I nod my head and say I'm fine.

BRIDGE

It's all a lie. All the things that I've done.
Everything I've ever wanted, every song that I've sung.
Every feeling I've had, every flap of the tongue.
All just delaying the overthrow that's already begun.
And so I try to break free, but it seems he knows me
Better than I know myself. Unable to silence his screams.
Busting at the seams, angry at my lack of control.
But then he coddles me, comforts me, telling me what I know.

VERSE 3

The longer he stays, it seems the bigger he grows.
My lungs can't keep up with all of the smoke that he blows.
Endlessly re-assuring me I can't be sure of nothin.
All I'm sure of is he won't evict regardless of my huffin and puffin.
But I can't give up, always pushing him away.
Feel a little bit better now than I did yesterday.
But every step that I take, it seems the next step he knows.
I see the light at the end, but it's always a ways to go.

CHORUS

No escape that I can find
A respite from my own damned mind.
Arrested in my own decline.
I nod my head and say I'm fine.
x2

No Escape

VERSE 1

I don't think I will ever find
A new way to define what goes on in my mind, but
I gotta do something to pass the time
And so I rhyme about how I opine for
The days when I wasn't thinking why I'm thinking what I thought.
If I did, got a simple answer, never sought
Deeper meaning in my feelings and beliefs.
It was a one-way street, but now I lose sleep
Meditating over everything that I think.
Masturbating mentally about how thoughts are linked.
I blinked, and my whole world opened up.
No warning, now my mind's up its own ass. Fuck.
I've gotta find myself, but where do I look?
I've searched every cranny more thoroughly than the nooks.
I took a chance with a self-help book
But, even more than what I say, it was gobbledygook.
I look into myself sneakily, using stealth.
If my mind catches on, it'll cave in on itself.
I got this feeling that I still haven't shook.
Fuck it for now, all I've got to find is the hook.

CHORUS

I'm going in, by myself.
Take the end of this rope and pull if I need help
You'll feel it twitch, keep your grip while I'm deployed.
Flip the switch on this trip, because I'm lost in the void.

BRIDGE

And even if I can't find what I'm looking for
I'll take the chance to explore my core.
Not even sure what the end game is, but
Hidden in the abyss is my bliss.

VERSE 2

No regrets. Fuck it.
I'm living my life and y'all can suck it.
Looks like I don't think twice, and so I'm punished.
But I think eight times before I order McNuggets.
I'm playing my hand, what's your bet?
Goin all in, papa's gotta pay off some debt.
Full house, but life's got a straight flush.
I brush it off, act like it all ain't much, but
Fine, there's a regret. That's one.
What am I trying to prove with the web that I've spun?
My questionable choices had begun
Out the womb, ass-first, cheeks surrounding the thumb.
Looking for the undo button.
I'd summon mutton, shovel it in my face like I'm a glutton.
Just another bad choice, but I'd have a way around it.
Every day, fucked up and then rewound it.

CHORUS

I'm going in, by myself.
Take the end of this rope and pull if I need help
You'll feel it twitch, keep your grip while I'm deployed.
Flip the switch on this trip, because I'm lost in the void.

VERSE 3

I wish that I had done some shit different, but it's history.
Even to myself I'm distant, like emotional dystrophy.
It's no mystery. I'd instantly change
Anything that I could that was feasibly arranged.
I wish there was a deity so I could attain
What I wanted through prayer instead of painful self-examination.
My own patient, and my own shrink.
"Doc, I tell you, I'm on the brink
Of something good, but I'm not sure what."
"It's probably nothin, don't get your hopes up."
Them's the ropes, huh? "Don't get your hopes up."
Excited and looking forward to something? Tut, tut.
The landscape of my life could use a touch-up.
Everything on earth started with a busted nut.

CHORUS

I'm going in, by myself.
Take the end of this rope and pull if I need help
You'll feel it twitch, keep your grip while I'm deployed.
Flip the switch on this trip, because I'm lost in the void.

Lost In The Void

VERSE 1

If I keep going on like this, I'm gonna die out of boredom.
Just my luck, my music picks up a fanbase postmortem.
Misfortune follows those who wallow in their defeat.
So I delete the opportunity to even succeed.
Preheat the oven to two-hundred-fifty degrees.
Toss in the stupid platitudes nobody even believes.
"Time heals all wounds," they tell me, but time only deceives.
Memories are warped to coddle our perception. It is a disease.
I think we're all fucked up, but people try to hide it.
Everybody wants to feel normal, so they bottle it, fight it.
But it can givze us insight, it's bottled up but still inside us.
The truth can be worse than the worst lie, but that doesn't change that it is right, it's
Hard to tell when we're lying to ourselves.           
We're so convincing, perfect poker face, ain't got a single tell.
The lies blend in and block the truth like a sickle cell.
And then the signal's swelled. Truth ain't got a chance when wilfully repelled.	
So, I say let it through. Do your best to see what's true.
Looking through fogggy windows can prove difficult to do.
But it's worth a shot. Don't make reality an afterthought.
Don't get caught in the web of lies you unknowingly bought.
 
CHORUS

The only thing that matters is perception.
Everyone is a master at self-deception.
And it can build until your world's a misconception.
It takes detection of that to breed progression.

VERSE 2

Life is like an episode with Q, confusing, sometimes untrue
But fun to pursue, even if what ensues
Isn't what it seems. You've got to take the chance to
Skew your perception to try to undo
Years of misleading. Feeding your ego to stop it from bleeding.     
And start weeding the lies, big and small, while proceeding stampeding
Over everything you thought you knew, and stop you from needing
The truth as you see it and seeking proof. Stop being obtuse. Shoot.
It's harder than it sounds. I guarantee it'll surround you.
Let it all compound around you, until you're bound to
Address the situation you're facing because it hounds you.
Or you can brush it off, just make sure you're ready for round two
Because once the seed is planted, no amount of shoveling
Is gonna prevent it from any future mind-rustling. 
You're hustling yourself if you really think
That you can drink your ego's kool-aid and maintain your station off the brink.

CHORUS

The only thing that matters is perception.
Everyone is a master at self-deception.
And it can build until your world's a misconception.
It takes detection of that to breed progression.

BRIDGE
	
The lies come from all angles. It's hard to tell 'em apart.
They can twist in and tangle up everything in your heart.
Make you think that something stupid is actually something smart.
Not sure of where it is rooted or motivation for it to start.
There's probably medication that you can take for mitigation.
But that type of alteration's sure to bring some complications.
Is it worth risking escalation for possible liberation?
Or is there even immunization for the shit that I'm facing?

VERSE 3

Who the fuck am I kidding? Even as I'm writing this song
I'm making it out to make it sound like it's all about y'all all along.
Truth is, I've got some trust issues with me.
80hp seems a tiddly-tad bit crazy
I tell myself I'm decent, but I don't know if that's a lie.
Being unsure of me breed insecurity, so I try.
But are attempts to ensure myself immaturity? Why
Do I crucify myself with this shit when I know I'm alright?
Second-guessing one's judgement isn't charismatic, it's trite.
But it's easy enough to do when you bury yourself without a light.
So I try to dig upwards to free myself with all my might		
But the earth's got an appetite for those with the oversight
To incite their own burial at night by candlelight
And as soon as they're quite deep, wonder why it's not a delight.
"You know, it looked cozy before I filled it in, but now it's too tight.
Fuck it, I'll go to sleep to expedite the chance someone might       
Take note of my plight and think it's worth it to help dig me dig my way out."
But without being able to ask, nobody knows what you're all about.
So I shout to nobody in particular in this mic and oddly
It acts as a vehicle for all of my problems embodied
Doesn't absolve me of the shit that I'm going through, but it helps.
After each song, a bit of the insecurity melts.
So if this shit rings a bell, let it out, give it hell.
Into whatever medium in which you'd like to excel.
 
CHORUS

The only thing that matters is perception.
Everyone is a master at self-deception.
And it can build until your world's a misconception.
It takes detection of that to breed progression.
x2

Bottled Up

VERSE 1

Slow, but steady, though I am ready for full recovery.
It's taking time to sort everything out. Still make discoveries
About myself and how I'm doing nothing but bitch.
And so one hand at a time, starting to climb up out of this ditch.
Small steps turn into leaps as soon as progress is made.
But I don't know if the debt that I owe to the ones that I love can be paid. 
And now I call a spade a spade, weighed the options, delayed
So that when I resurface I won't get caught up in the shade.
Sentience attained. Break off the chains in my mind
That tie me to analytical thinking, everything must be defined.
But now that I've mined it, would you mind if I aligned with the rest of humankind?
I'm a little behind, it's the gear in my back. If you find it, give it a bit of a wind.
But I never did find what I tried to reach for.
It's a war inside of my mind. Impeached for
Trying to take control of my life and be more
Independent, but I just found strife at my core.
Never defined the dreams that I failed to achieve.
Just knew that I wanted change, I was bored and naive. 
You know, I'm kinda relieved. I'm where I needed to be.
I'm done grieving. I achieved life in my leave.

CHORUS

Sometimes
You've gotta take life up on a bet.
And sometimes
Failure can lead to emotional debt.
But just try
To find the bright side of the loss.
Life will kick you in the balls sometimes to get a point across.

VERSE 2

Still not quite sure where I wanna be
But I know that I'm not there yet mentally.
That'll come in time. I can't control the tide.
I would find a guide if I denied my pride.
I don't wanna have an ego, I meditate to get rid of it.
But who am I kidding, it's rampant, though I might dampen it.
Is crushing the ego an egotistical move?
Is it self-improvement or is it just having something to prove?
Trying to find myself is a quest that never fuckin ends.
I can't define myself with this paper and a pen.
I keep looking, but every prize says to try again.
It's an exhausting game of cat and mouse up inside of my head.
And so instead of saying who I am for you to concur
I pour myself into these words. No illusions of grandeur.
Just honesty about my own internal beurocracy.
My hypocrisy related to my modest methodology.

CHORUS

Sometimes
You've gotta take life up on a bet.
And sometimes
Failure can lead to emotional debt.
But just try
To find the bright side of the loss.
Life will kick you in the balls sometimes to get a point across.

BRIDGE

I tried to conquer life, grab it before it disappeared
After failing, I brooded. Colluded with all of my fears.
But then I found a rose inside of a field of daffodils
I can admire it from a distance, but that distance, it kills.
But the scent wafts up in the air, and, though remote 
Like a cartoon dude with a pie, it makes me float.

VERSE 3

Every day is a journey. It's not always a battle anymore.
Some days are tough, some aren't, but I'm not keeping score.
In the end, it's just me versus myself.
Either way, I win and I lose. I'll scream and I yell.
But then I recognize the futility of anger inside of me.
And I try to find me some peace and just be.         
I've learned to loosen the leash and decree
That I'm in charge of my emotions. I oversee this sector, see?
*CHK* "Sector C, emotional instability. 
Reactors are melting. Requesting we can fuckin flee."
Say what you want, but I retain my right to disagree.
Overheating? Sure, but melting is a hyperbole.
Sometimes I think that I need to bring in a referee
But wouldn't he just be a third piece of my personality?
It's crowded enough already, clear the floor.
Hold the microphone steady. Hierarchy has been restored.

CHORUS

Sometimes
You've gotta take life up on a bet.
And sometimes
Failure can lead to emotional debt.
But just try
To find the bright side of the loss.
Life will kick you in the balls sometimes to get a point across.
x2

Emotional Debt

VERSE 1

Every day when I'm stuck in the dark
And I can't find a flashlight or even a spark
I begin to embark on a bit of a mental arc
Following a remark from the end to the start.
And I try to leave a mark to guide myself next time I'm stuck.
With any luck, I'll feel it and do more than just shrug.
But I know my history, my track record of being a schuck.
I just don't give a fuck.
And so I started making sure before I went embarking
That the path would lead me to somewhere with sparking.
So I could find the narrow entry way through the muck
That leads me to a fuck that I can give up the next time I'm stuck.

CHORUS

And so I tried to find a little bit of light
Inside the mind of a so-called alright man.
Despite all my tryin and pryin, there's some underlyin
Darkness that feels like thunder without the lightning.
And in a minute, if you can spend it, I'd like to spin it.

VERSE 2

I've learned over the years how to navigate
The maze that can mitigate a day's worth of overstated
Import and obliterate all that accumulates
But how do I liquidate those that negotiate and penetrate?
I tolerate the occasional deviation
But it is antithetical to abide propogation.
And so to try to avoid any replication
I slap a parenthetical next to it, "(future deliberation.)"
And I try to keep a log
But the entries are sadder than Sarah McLachlan's dogs.
I'm just another fucking cog
In the wheel that turns clockwise like counter-culture's epilogue.
I'm like a dog in a cage. 
If freedom was a fly I'd be a frog whipping my tongue with rage.
But freedom isn't a fly
It's an abstract concept for which some people are willing to die.
And would I be willing to put my life on the line?
Shit, not until the freedom they fight for matches with mine.
Come to think of it, my freedom involves not killing or dying by gun.
So fuck it, guess I'm a pacifistic army of one.

CHORUS

And so I tried to find a little bit of light
Inside the mind of a so-called alright man.
Despite all my tryin and pryin, there's some underlyin
Darkness that feels like thunder without the lightning.
And in a minute, if you can spend it, I'd like to spin it.

BRIDGE

Feeling my way through the darkness
Without a harness or an internal accomplice.
Physically harmless, but mentally, that precipice is real.
If I fall and I spiral it won't be easy to heal.
And so I'm careful, but steady, you know, I've got to explore.
Whether I find some light or just more black, it can't be ignored.
Establishing a rapport with myself as I peel
Back the layers and what's stored deep within is revealed.

VERSE 3

There's no map and a compass wouldn't do any good.
It's like a trap filled with bunches of shit that I'd overcome if I could.
And I've been trying, man, I think I'm making progress.
But I'm just sick and tired of this motherfucking process.
I can remember a time when I wasn't like this.
When I was full of nothing but vinnegar and piss.
I had energy. I had a purpose.
I had every reason to not be nervous
About the future, because I thought I had it all figured out.
And on the surface, I did, though inside I always had my doubts.
But I said I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.
Well, now I've left it in the dust without a path through it.
And that dust kicks back up and goes right into my head.
Now I can't think straight, yo, I can't needle the thread.
I need a sequel instead of the lore that I've been building.
In theaters this summer, I'll be receiving top billing.

CHORUS

And so I tried to find a little bit of light
Inside the mind of a so-called alright man.
Despite all my tryin and pryin, there's some underlyin
Darkness that feels like thunder without the lightning.
And in a minute, if you can spend it, I'd like to spin it.
 


Search For A Spark

VERSE I

I wanna live my life, I don't wanna just tour it.
I've got a little bit of the same shit, but I want more, it's
Kinda like I'm in a hippo's house and I want the right porridge.
I've only found happiness when I was not looking for it.
And that makes it kinda hard to know where I can replenish
And so I cherish what I've got and hope that it doesn't perish
But if it does, then tough shit, I guess.
I've been there before, and so I acquiesce.
But that doesn't mean that I won't fight for what I've got now
And try to pile on top of it, even though I don't know how.
I'm doing everything that I can to attempt, but
Sometimes an attempt's what can lead to contempt.
Shut myself behind these doors to fix it alone.
Writing these lyrics, playing guitar, spit into this microphone.
Nobody's saying it's a recipe for success.
But it's my therapy. So let me express.

CHORUS

For a while, I couldn't feel much. I was numb.
Lately that's been changing, starting to overcome.
Some days I miss it, but most days ain't some.
Even when I'm down in the dumps, I feel like I've won.

VERSE II

It sucks to lose something that you thought you'd have forever.
And once you gain it back, you're doubtful it'll be there whether
You need it in the future, which you will, but it is never ever
Measured by demand or pressure. And so I tresure
What I got. I no longer take my mood for granted.
I felt stranded, but in the end, turns out I landed
On my feet and I will forever be happy that I did.
And shit, once I confronted my demon, then I was rid of it.
Alright, well not completely, but it's progress.
If I had to choose between now and then, it's no contest.
But sometimes, when there's a lot on my plate
I can't concentrate. So I consolidate.
Then it accumulates into a bigger issue and when
I choose to investigate, it gets bigger again.
And so I learned to ignore, but that doesn't help any more
Than just addressing the mess and keeping a tally of score.


CHORUS

For a while, I couldn't feel much. I was numb.
Lately that's been changing, starting to overcome.
Some days I miss it, but most days ain't some.
Even when I'm down in the dumps, I feel like I've won.

BRIDGE

But it doesn't a game
And the gain for reclaiming your happiness is to stay sane.
I can deal with the pain
Since it means that I can feel something good in my brain again.
It's like Newton's third law.
If I had to describe myself in one word, the word's "flawed."
But I take the good with the bad.
The alternative is... It's fucking sad.

VERSE III

Sometimes, the things that make us truly happy
Can be a surprise, and then be gone in a snap, see?
And so I try to enjoy what I've got while I've got it.
It's like I'm playing dodgeball with depression and I caught it.
So now it's out of the game, but for how long?
It's hard to beat something bad enough that it stays gone.
It started creeping back recently, but I curbed it.
The moments when I'm happy make the rest of it worth it.
And now I'm not struggling to stay afloat.
I stopped kicking and thrashing, upgraded it to a boat
So I can take on bigger waves without flinching and
It'll take a lot more for me to be giving in.
Listen in, everything in this life is temporary.
No matter what you do, we'll all end in a cemetary.
So you might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Fuck the past, be happy where you are or make some changes, fast.

CHORUS

For a while, I couldn't feel much. I was numb.
Lately that's been changing, starting to overcome.
Some days I miss it, but most days ain't some.
Even when I'm down in the dumps, I feel like I've won.
Because I'm feeling and that means that I'm not finished.
After all this time, the good feelings haven't diminished.
The bad can still hurt, but I'm not getting overrun.
And feeling bad means the good feelings are there, feel like I won.

Newton's Third Law

Art by https://soundcloud.com/user339354 (Fabioisonfire)

The first song that I've created everything for instead of finding a beat on the internet. Going by a new moniker, 80HP, to separate the old from the new. My older music can be found at https://soundcloud.com/bitbuccaneer if you want to give it a listen.

Lyrics
___

VERSE I

Reconnecting with myself. Lack of checking mental health.
Now I got it under another upgrade of better stealth.
Leveled up, but I neglected to put the skill points
Where I needed them the most. Instead I'm rollin better joints.

Lost sight of the quest that I set out to beat.
I tried layin' low, succeeded living secretively.
Cut myself off from external influences
But then I'm all alone and thinkin' about how'd it come to this?

Take the boards from the windows, let the sunlight inside.
Slide to unlock the phone, callin' up my allies.
Tried to get it all together, but instead it fell apart.
Hold the button down five seconds, now it's time to restart.

CHORUS

Back in the beginning, the ending, it seemed so far away.
Now I wake up every morning with the knowledge it might be today.
And I try to make the best of it lest it is ending prematurely.
But the motivation's missing. I'm pissing away the whole damned journey.

VERSE II

Unable to be satisfied with anything I can find
That would take me out of this fucked up situation in my mind.
I tried to wait it out. Doesn't work, time doesn't heal.
Rhyme is appealing but not sufficient to cope with the feel.

So I play games to escape the problems that don't exist.
And just lay waste to creative thought. It's as if I've kissed
Any chance at achieving anything worthile goodbye.
But I've got time to bounce back if I figure where, when, and why.

But that's the trouble, ain't it? In order to do that, I gotta be motivated.
I'm not, and I hate it. Can't flip a switch, fears all irradicated.
You think that I can just get up instantaneously placated?
The day I wake up truly happy's when I know that I have made it.
 
Until then I guess that I'll just try my hardest not to fade and
Give into whatever fears left that I have held off from raiding
What is left of my mind. A pool of insecurities I wade in.
Unless you can tell me when that day is, I'll be right here waiting.

Keep that shit from prevading.
Yeah, I will be right here waiting.


CHORUS

Back in the beginning, the ending, it seemed so far away.
Now I wake up every morning with the knowledge it might be today.
And I try to make the best of it lest it is ending prematurely.
But the motivation's missing. I'm pissing away the whole damned journey.

Living Secretively

Recently re-inspired. I make everything myself much too quickly without enough deliberation.

80hp

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