lyrics:

that green coat
in that green room
i see you, i see you
that green coat in that green room
i see you, i see you
those green eyes
in that green bag
i feel so bad, i feel so bad
those green eyes in that green bag
i feel so bad, i feel so bad

bury me, bury me
bury me in my own regret 

i feel nothing at all anymore

dry your eyes, maybe cry
make some more and get what you want
make a noise, scream and shout
i love the attention you give yourself
then you'll cry, maybe cry
did i mention you'll probably cry
maybe then, maybe then
it still means nothing to you 

light a candle for the reaper when he comes
tell him i'm sorry that i treated him so wrong

innocence, innocence
any sense, any sense 

i adore that green coat, in that green room under green eyes, oh

green dreams

here is a little cover of one of my all time favourite songs - all rights and credit go to cavetown, please check him out, his music is incredible

lyrics (by cavetown)
circling around the kitchen
why has nothing changed
feed cucumber sandwich to a pigeon
chipping nail varnish on guitar strings
got a pillow case made out of money
feeling pretty fake when i wake up
tissue paper castle paper caddy
scaly little friend's got my back up

didn't give me time to say goodbye in the way that i wanted to
so honey close your eyes and stay like you're supposed to do
don't you wanna give me time to write another song for you

PIGEON - CAVETOWN COVER

Ativan (lorazepam): [benzodiazepine] used to treat Anxiety disorders

lyrics:
now i feel like
like i'm you
so i put on my shoes, put on my shoes
put on my head and start again
truth be told, my pain threshold 
only copes with the pain i deal myself
i'm so jealous of all the help you get
i suffer in silence, i suffer in death
make an attempt, best shot yet
don't take them for granted
you take me for granted

smash my head, i saw you walking through doubt
dazed and confused, the smell of air in my blood
the house with beams never brought me good luck

and now i feel like, like i'm you
and now i feel like, like i'm used

back to the chemists [mastered]

ativan

Fluoxetine: [antidepressant] used to treat major Depressive disorders

lyrics: 
distant, dramatic
versatile, and distracted
i feel weak and disgusted
but only at night
no more closing doors, there's something crawling under my skin
self loath perspective
we're thinking too much and need to be stopped

i stared at the wall for far too long
hoping to find a reminder of myself
each step i take is a back track
a relapse on your menthol
the candles in your eyes

drown it out and take a dip in your coffee
it's 10:09 again and i refuse to be scared
opening up again
i think we need to start again
whisper words of irony

back to the chemists
the pills i took didn't mend it
back to the beginning where my life was so very empty
crying eyes, but your chest is no longer heaving
don't lie to me, i see past the prescription you gave me

fluoxetine

Paroxetine: [antidepressant] used to treat Post Traumatic Stress disorder.

lyrics:
there's nothing worse than a raging headache
scratching my skin until my blood is no longer transparent
what about this feeling, this plan in my chest when i don't do things right?
is it not obvious?
obviously not
these video games are insane, i do not fit the phase
ride the tidal wave
down some pills and pass away
what are lyrics without passion?
that blade is sharper than iron
curiosity didn't kill the cat, it killed itself
i lay there thinking about dying in the shower
the wires weren't connected, just like my brain
what have i done so wrong?
it was just a game
a craving poured out into something
the nauseous feeling of being alone
my head is spinning, but no one's home
what are lyrics without passion?
that blade is sharper than iron
curiosity didn't kill the cat, it killed itself
anxiety is caused by the thing itself

i don't tell of my pain
'cause there's nothing you can do
speak, or say
to direct me away from pointing a gun at my head on a london train

paroxetine

Ritalin (methylphenidate): [stimulant] used to treat ADHD and Narcolepsy.

lyrics:
cloudy mind
this only comes at night
when it's there in the day it doesn't eat me so much
distraction is a thing that i'm no good at
when i try to leave it only comes straight back
you know i
you know i'm falling for myself

yeah, desperation strikes again
and i attach myself to my cynical thoughts
don't bring me down i'll only bounce back up
you only need me when you've been let down
you know i
you know i'm falling for myself

and i wish the ground would eat me up
because i know in my heart the world won't miss me that much
it's curtain call and i've been held up
won't you come and see me take a bow
you know i
you now i'm falling for myself

you can't fix me so i'll fix myself
sit around and wait for you to burn in hell
whilst simultaneously dealing triple nine
thinking's strange when you're sick and alive

ritalin

LYRICS:
cubicles that scream my name
i’m tripping out of my mind again
i hate the inevitable way i’ll mess things up again
at last the height has taken its toll
i’m not afraid of death anymore
there’s only so much pain you can drown away
and as the awful rain subsides
i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing

surrounded by the green
i wish i’d spent my childhood climbing
instead of fantasising about dying
the broken gate, straight roads ahead, it’s all a haze
i swear i forget more every day
is it when i feel this way, or is my brain in constant pain?
and as the awful rain subsides i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing

and as the
awful rain subsides i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
it was food for thought i thought everything came true for me i thought
everything was on a downwards spiral i thought
i saw my nightmares unfold before my very eyes
looking down from suicide heights
the sickening towers loomed before my very eyes

SUICIDE HEIGHTS

LYRICS:
i hate how i always break down in your arms
i’m sorry i always break down in your arms
the constant repetitive beat of your heart
i’m sorry for my selfish love
and i’m so alone i don’t even have a shadow
oh, i’m so alone i don’t even have a shadow
in death central

fluoride and such that’s controlling our minds
chemicals in our water that keeps us behind
am i just your fantasy at night, or do you still love me in the daytime?
i hate how i always break down in your arms
i’m sorry i always break down in your arms
the constant repetitive beat of your heart 
i’m sorry for my selfish love

and i’m so alone i don’t even have a shadow
in death central
and i’m catching redamancy doubt out of here
AND I’M CATCHING REDAMANCY DOUBT
I DON’T HAVE A SHADOW I’M SO ALONE
OH, I’M SO ALONE I DO’T HAVE A SHADOW
NO, I’M NOT ALONE I STILL HAVE A SHADOW
NO, I’M NOT ALONE I JUST DONT HAVE A SHADOW
NO, I’M NOT ALONE AND I STILL HAVE A SHADOW

DEATH CENTRAL

LYRICS:
high side slumber life
the alcoholic sleep
i promise i understand addiction more than you think
high side slumber life
the alcoholic sleep
i hope i don’t get too caught up in my morphine dreams

the truth only hurts the weak, so i carved the channel tunnel on my arm
(i was thinking on my feet)
you can’t blame a broken soul
i just want my art to flow
red from my veins
as you inject me up again

high side slumber life 
the alcoholic sleep
i dance in the ashes that fall at my feet
too dazed to realise the time
am i really having fun?
you don’t know how much you crave the feeling
until it’s gone

[trouble seeking burdens like me
climbing the heights in withering bodies
my only hope was expanding in the drop
so my body wouldn’t look so small
when i had hit the ground]

MORPHINE DREAMS

LYRICS:
oh, homesickness
the one thing i truly long for
the comfort of feeling at home,
homesickness

i wept on the floor with grief
for the things i’d never lost, leave me be
is this my mind or is this me?
the familiar feeling of my insides turning inside out

take it away

the ticking of the clock won’t get it’s grip off
and to set myself on fire would hurt less
then to hear the echo of your voice in this emptiness

take it away
unbearable pain

i can but dream of falling asleep
‘cos when i fall asleep i’m terrorised by bad dreams
don’t leave me i need to be strong
IT’S NOT EASY BEING THE ONLY ONE

HOMESICKNESS

LYRICS:
and as the rain doth clear, my thoughts are still here
but the ground has disappeared
and as the rain doth descend, on my heavy hand
i find myself still reaching out
for an anchor, for umbrellas 
to keep my vessel warm
and when there seems no end, my journey has only began

the rain falls down and washes me away
i can’t believe that i feel like this every day

window sills and marching bands
difficult is the task at hand
lift my eyes up to curtains black
fear my only friend i welcome at last
to the open, to the darkness,
to the blinds that i never have the strength to life
to the halo above my window pain
come see the storm that’s about to begin

the rain falls down and washes me away
i can’t believe that i feel like this every day
every day

REVIVAL

LYRICS:
and with the poisons on my lips
i hate waking up like this

my mind is like a kelidascope 
all the colours that i see
all the people round me that i wish i could be
the awful useless, clueless being
living inside my head
shouting colours at my bed
sure a sign that i’m not dead 
but my body will soon be enough yet

and with the poisons on my lips 
and the daylight breaking in
at least the morning has control
more than i did so

and with the poisons on my lips i hate waking up like this

PERPLEXING CONSCOIUS DECISIONS

LYRICS:
i’ll never reach your expectations
who are you to say?
my body in the ground, you’re watching
waiting for that knock on your door
so “don’t you dare ever hasten”
“far too young”
then don’t be raising expectations
death has us all on his list

i’ll never reach your expectations
who are you to say?
death has us all on his list

carpet floors, this is no hospital home
far too young to be cold, complacent
constant;y complaining
constantly blaming
in your sick lungs
the place is cleaner than i thought
especially since everyone’s died…

i’ll never reach your expectations
who are you to say?

I’M IN THIS HOSPITAL HOME
THE LONLINESS LASHING AT MY WALLS
THE DAREDEVIL GRIN
SEEKING PAIN WITHIN
PLEASE COME KNOCKING
KNOCKING
KNOCKING
I’LL NEVER REACH YOUR EXPECTATIONS

HOSPITAL HOME

LYRICS:
they say you reap what you sow
so that’s why nothing i plant ever grows
turmoil, pollution
my black dog, it threw me
stays put like a good boy
comes whenever i don’t call
but i don’t want this pet anymore
tossing and turning all night long
it barks, i wake, it barks, i yawn
but i don’t want this pet anymore
my black dog does more harm

but who else could i give it to?

see me on it’s leash
bound so tight that i can’t breath
it’s collar must suffocate it
but what else can i do, but feed it?
my only fuel
drains me like a vampire cartoon
i’ve nothing left, to care for this pet

i just don’t have the guts to put it down

one night it attacked me
all up my arms it scratched me
once my only friend
but now it drives me round the bend
sinks its teeth right in
this is not a companion
BUT I DON’T HAVE THE GUTS TO PUT IT DOWN
NO I JUST CAN’T BARE TO PUT IT DOWN

BLACK DOG

LYRICS:
the cool nights surrender, blood flows through my open window
they said prevention is better than cure
so go and let me mess up my life some more
but now’s the time to take control
i need control, to have control
but my violent thoughts are uncontrollable

i miss the benzo bliss
the tears erupt fall down my lids
a self distractive void
seek no refuge make no noise

oh, those hazy days
the sun is out but i’m feeling gray
i want the lies to stop
panic, fear, my heart once stopped
beating out my chest,
but, oh believe me, i live for this
yellow euphoria i feel it now and i don’t want it to go
apologies, scattered lies,
i wish i did’t have this awful pride
but with the end in sight 
i cling to my future with bright eyes
would you believe me
or even try?
i learnt more today than in school years gone by

i miss the benzo bliss 
the tears erupt, fall down my lids
a self destructive void
euphoria is all i want to find

EUPHORIA

it is time to leave the towers
i have learnt my lessons
.
.
for now at least

LYRICS:
my soul is in deep anguish 
how long HOW LONG?
just like David 
I call out in despair
to a being 
I’m not even sure is there
clarification or even a sign
horrific nightmares of violence
time after time 
and as the rain turns to snow
my heart begins to thaw 
I’m still not sure who I am
anymore
but this journey of mistreated youth
was the only way to learn the truth
I saw the 
anti christ that lives under your roof 
now I must escape to where 
the towers loom
although dependency is a tenant
I pick up the remnants
of emotions, dreams, hopes, surprise 
but even after all of this time

I’m still alive  

we all have our enemies and mine is myself
we all have our fears and mine is myself

DISSENSION

LYRICS:

red train driving through the night
i saw my reflection in the skies
sat me down, lets talk for a while
the taste of the scene was just like bile
maybe i’m too in my mind
deaf, dumb, and colourblind
looked at myself one more time
and i said

IT’S JUST A DREAM
it isn’t real

your chest feels heavy
and so does mine
like my body being eaten by parasites
i dreamt of my rosary beads last night
lost them in a fight with almighty high
but there is still so much time
i’ve made many plans to end my life
but power comes from the bathroom floor
where i’ve broken down 
too many times before
took myself to the mirror
faced my biggest fear
it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be
like the evil creature he sees in me
looked at myself one more time

IT’S JUST A DREAM
it isn’t real


FEELINGS COME FROM 
SOMETHING NEW
YOU WANT MORE FREEDOM
I JUST WANT YOU
FEELINGS COME FROM 
SOMETHING NEW
BUT MAYBE FEAR HAS ALWAYS BEEN TRUTH

ITS JUST A DREAM

VIVID DREAMING

👁IT'S JUST A DREAM👁
to celebrate Vivid Dreaming's first birthday I went back to where it all began and reworked the original demo I did three years ago (think it's the last thing I posted on here wow)!! You can find the shiny studio version over on my Spotify, it's very different from both of these demos but I love it and am eternally humbled to have been given the opportunity to record it in a studio alongside the wonderful Legion Management. I do feel though that the demo really captured how I felt when this situation was happening and that's what's so special to me about that song. I'm awful at explaining how I feel and often struggle to understand my emotions, so being able to create a track that kinda put things into words whilst musically bringing that atmosphere to life (echoing/ambient effect reflective of loneliness, soundscape synthesiser similar to one I'd heard in a film that just came out, face paced to symbolise how out of control I was at the time etc)was so releasing. I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who's been supporting Vivid Dreaming (all versions) these past few years, it means the world to hear people resonate with it too like this awesome cover by my Norwegian musician friend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HjkH-vZoxs, it makes me realise I'm not alone in how I feel and we're all in the same storm, just different boats. Until we wake up, enjoy this re-wroked demo, pass on the passion and remember you'll get through this -it's just a dream 👁

Vivid Dreaming

VIVID DREAMING [re-worked demo]

👁
pass on the passion 

independent alt artist and poet
👁

dissenter

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