I’m 23 and I accept my bisexuality 
It took me 23 years to realize I’m the person I wanna be 
It took me 23 years to know I get to choose my own family 
It took me 23 to intervene 
My mental state wasn’t a friend to me 
For at least 23 
I was up and down deciding if this life was meant for me 
I felt a riddle need solving
A puzzle piece missing 
Empty places inside dismissive feelings
Empty 
Took me 23 to be comfortable and finally see 
I am 23 
I am just me 
I am a person with feelings and insecurities 
I thought too deep like 
“I wonder if they like me” 
I still think too deep with the people that surround me 
Unfortunately anxiety makes it so every social interaction feels like a crime scene like I’m covered in blood and the sirens are loud can’t cover it up with no way out the doors are locked the windows boarded it’s like this chosen path came out thru boredom 
My mind wanders don’t remeber names focused on saying words all thoughts just feel the same
Till it passes and I’m fine now  
I’m calm now 
survived another encounter we aren’t down 
23 and the American dream really is just a dream 
Cause reality got us the president that’s less racist 
America’s changing 
What are you saying 
Change up the cadence 
Getting my meals 
By working a day shift 
Paying my bills 
By working vacation 
I don’t get sick 
Cause I know a fix 
Just get high 
Or drink a bit 
Stopped wasting time 
I know what’s needed 
I’m 23 and I choose freedom

I Am!

I’M 23!

Drowning all my sorrows 
In the bottom of the ocean 
The bottom of a bottle 
Always endless when I’m coasting 
Skiing off the slopes 
Marijuana dreams 
I’m cozy 
How my body can survive 
I guess I’m really chosen 
I guess I’m feeling golden 
Living out my fears 
Got it trapped in cognouza 
Where you really from 
Where you at 
Where yo home is 
Living in the moment?
Stranger to my lonely?
You don’t really know me 
I could spend a couple years denying all my homies 
I just chug a couple beers no longer have anxiety

No longer have anxiety 

Im 24
And I definitely have anxiety 

Im 24
And 
I dont know 
What 
That number means 
Anymore

Im 24 
And I got depressed 
So my wardrobe doesn’t really fit anymore 

Im 24 
And I dont like to be seen
Thats why im here 
So you can see 

Im 24 
And 
my life 
feels 
Like a performance 

Im 24 
And 
I 
Dont 
Know 
Who 
My friends 
Are 
Anymore

Im 24 
And 
I dont know 
Whos laughing 
With me 
Or against me 

im 24 And 
Everything 
Seems 
To be 
The target 
Of envy 

Im 24 
And I opened doors 
Im 24
And I see the scores
I see the sort of man that I wanna be 
Thats a sword or man 
See he cant fail he is ornery  
Hits his chest stomp and chant 
No feelings 
No emotions 
Not open 
No feeling
An
Emotion
Just open 

Im 24 
And my mental health 
…..
Im 24 
And my mental health 
…

Patience 
Waiting 
I dropped the crickets
…. 
Stilll waiting 
Forgot to mention 
Im 24 
But im feeling 4 
Im 24 
But im scared and poor 
Im 24 
At a lost for words 
Im 24 
With new thoughts unheard 
Philosopher 
Oh he smoove 
With the flow on verse 
I make do 
And prepare the worst 
Im that dude 
When it comes to writing 
That stipend 
Need a hyphen 
Cause 
Im 24 
And cant afford 
To be 
24 
Today 
But 
At 
24 
Im still 
Here
And 
I 
Am 
24

Oh my nigga really gotta 
Cut this off 
Yeah 
Drowning all my demons with some 
Alcohol 
Yeah 
Rolling up a blunt if my
Feelings off
Yeah 
You ain’t really happy 
You just get fucked up

I’M 24!

I wrote this 
While under every substance I could get my hands on
I couldn’t tell you what’s wrong 
Is my love so fickle that my mind always crosses a line my body can’t handle?
Ending up battered and blistered 
Bad with illusions of tension but never have I filtered
The happy chemicals fleeting behind my weekday benders 
The tension I mentioned 
Is limerence in its elegance shimmering its scandalous but tried as a rendition 
A childish egotistic emotional long lasting kind of love 
What’s that like? 
Was it meant to be innocent 

I’m 26 
When do I get my wisdom?
I’ve been missing the plot 
I’m addicted to the idea of falling in love or 
I fell in love with the feeling of being loved 
With the feeling of being hugged 
With the fear of being shunned 
I ignored what I really want 
Cause what I want doesn’t need 
What I want just wants 
And that’s not what I need 
Not a person place or thing 
But a feeling that just seems impossible to reach
For me 
Something comfortable 

I’m 26 and comfortable is 
Knocking snow off my boots 
With 2 hours of sleep and a 10 hour shift 
I chose this 
I’m 26 and comfortable is 
Pointless hookups with people 
That don’t care I exist 
I chose this 
I haven’t eaten in days 
I chose this 
Alcohols calories are filling my plate 
I chose this 
Worried about how I weigh 
I chose this 
Every time I sleep it’s always the next day 
I chose this 
Inspiration only happens when my pen is a blade 
Stabbed down 
My neck 
My heart 
Thru the rib
But my mind won’t change that 
I chose this 

It’s nobodies fault 
I chose this
Would you choose me?  
I wouldn’t 
I deserve this 
I chose this 
This is not about you 
I wrote this 
The energy shifts a goals and ambitions list 
I wrote this 
1. Better sleep 
2. Better think
3. Better eat
I wrote this 
I plan this 
You quote it 
I’m 26 at the end of my year 
I chose this 
I’ve never felt more clear that I chose 
I just didn’t notice 
I still won’t learn from this and that’s why

I’M 26!

I’M 27!

I'm 21 
That's a cause for celebration huh
I can see it in the sands 
I can see the master plan 
I know that I've been a man 
Longer than my age represents
What defines a man really
Is it age or responsibility
Is it a phase or what I really need 
Is it rage or serenity 
Is it the headspace of the major leagues 
I'd guess it's whatever I believe
I've been grown for a while now
I know how the groans of denial sounds 
When I put the pen to the pad
I gave it all that I had 
And I'll give it all that I've got 
They say don't let your moment rot 
With these fears, I wear like socks 
In my head with pointless thoughts
Some people don't take me seriously
Like my name is in parentheses
I can feel this spiritually
Hearing me 
Clearly 
It's clarity 
Let me clarify 
Humans don't see eye to eye 
We on the same side but we are blind 
Still, I'm bound to fly high 
Like a caterpillar turned butterfly
My enemies centipedes 
Where'd they go like a mystery
Where I go that's a mystery
But I can see 
Centuries 
Timeless ageless history 
Not for me 
A different breed 
Live for now 
For I am king 
Live for sound 
For I am king
With words as my sword 
And beats as my sheathe
Wear my crown low like a willow tree 
I throw shade cast shade 
And move away from all the honey bees 
I think I've reached a point where I question my belief
Like
I don't believe in Jesus christ
But I believe that Jesus is right 
If you follow that path then that's alright
But follow that path don't live it light 
But I'm a hypocrite
Critical cricket the hypnotist
Writing rhymes for the kids 
Who question incipience/insipience
If you know me 
Some might say I'm zen 
I just say I haven't had cause
For much emotion
But these words are why I write 
And I write cause I'm a poet 
Guess I'm rambling
I wrote this on my birthday just let it happen
Mighty morph into Dem Atlas 
Hit a show and then home after 
On the gram just scouting captions
This is the latest fashion 
I'm a rapper but
If you ask me to rap
Just know I value my time greatly
If I don't even know you
Then you're gonna have to pay me 
But I do it for the love of the craft 
So I'm willing to build 
Show me your seeds 
And I'm willing to spill
Every ounce of me 
Doubting me 
Constantly
I'm a constant now
There is no need 
But theirs a need to fill
This emptiness inside but It weighs a ton
The happiness I had didn't weigh this much 
But 
At least
I'm 21

I AM!

I'M 21!

I'm 22!
With a birds eye view
Of everything that I couldn't do 
With every right that I couldn’t prove
A better man 
But a man to few 
I found a room 
With payments due 
I thought I'd grow 
If I just moved 
Bet my words 
Could stagger few 
The words I use 
Just a few 
Like I am less 
A mess I am 
I play pretend 
It's frivolous 
I might just quit 
If this is it 
I haven't peaked 
I haven't reached 
I wanna be 
I'm not elite 
The rest my age 
Are up on stage 
With accolades 
While I just age 
This is my truth 
Still got my youth 
Still scared of you 
And scared of him 
And scared of her 
Or scared of them 
Still catch feelings 
For him or her 
Or them and they 
I feel the sway 
Or pretend like ”I feel it, Sway”
No interviews 
No fucks to give 
I give a few 
I give a lot 
I might just rot 
I might just uh 
I might just scream 
I might just 
Nah I can’t do this yo 
I thought I was feeling this 
But the feelings aren’t mutual 
Like I can’t breathe 
Cause y’all can’t see 
Charge a fee 
Can I be me 
And If I plead 
Until I bleed 
”inhale” 
Don’t keep a knee
On top of me 
Killing a cop 
Might make me a legend 
Feelings are soft 
So this what I live with 
Selling some hope 
Might make me a reverend 
Selling some dope 
Might make me a felon 
I’d do it to cope 
Cause supplies meet demand 
And Uncle Sam don’t care who 
Ya fam is 
Take a pic of ya corpse 
To rebrand it 
Bag it print 
No need to be candid 
Not your friend 
They just want the bag
Corporations just want our cash
Praise the meek 
it’s all that they have 
Can’t stay on fleek 
When we are all ash 
But it’s not new 
This is all that inspired me in my youth 
Told myself I wouldn’t be the same when
I’m 22!

Malcolm Jabar

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