Based on "The Way I Am" by Eminem

-------------

I cannot just sit back and relax when I see
on my feed that Durant won’t go out there and bleed 
or concede that the league ain’t what it used to be 
back when dudes wouldn’t rest, they played through injuries 
with significantly lower-paid salaries 
its so weak and unspeakable
Unbelievable 
please, just get out of my sight. 
Patrick Ewing got out and played “NIGHT AFTER NIGHT” with giant bags of ice on his knees, so you all can miss me with this thing called “load management” — an embarrassment, man — where Bob Cousey at?  Y’all can’t cut him slack

Dude would get off of the train from Ft. Wayne and go straight to the game — you know why? Cause THAT’S BASKETBALL. I’m so sick of y’all tryna tell me you can’t play in these games 
its absurd and insane with what you’re getting paid
I’m upset and outraged so

Get wrecked if you can’t be like HAVLICEK
If you’re hurtin’, you still go out and earn your check
Patrick Ewing, Paul Silas, and John HAVLICEK
Can’t play injured? You can’t earn respect

Get wrecked if you can’t be like HAVLICEK
If you’re hurtin’, you still go out and earn your check
Patrick Ewing, Paul Silas, and John HAVLICEK
Why can’t y'all just be like Havlicek?...

HAVLICEK (Get Wrecked) ft. Chris "Mad Dog" Russo

Thank you to Dan Le Batard, John Skipper and the whole Meadowlark crew for keeping the show free!

Thank You, Dan (Yeti Blanc, Andrew Streeter, and Fleminem)

Based on "Astronaut In The Ocean" by Masked Wolf
--------------


Billy I’ve had quite enough of your eccentricities 
No one here’s equipped to handle your brand of neuroses 
When you’re talking way too much, and you’re causing a commotion, yeah
$2 fine, now go walk in the ocean ayy

Chris I’m not sure what you were just trying to do
S’posed to stay in your lane making 1 word out of 2
When you’re leaking confidence, like you’re stuck in slow motion, yeah
$2 fine, now go walk in the ocean

So much work to do
Stu’s like “yeah, that's true...”
Get it done by C-O-B
You can do all the work for free.
90/10 split my way
Can’t trust a word I say
‘Bout to make Dan go crazy
Care about you, don’t bet against Brady

Lemmy thought Dan said “Clouds?”
Stugotz’s headphones way too loud
Today he will not be around
Because his brother came to town
Coming-up with new ways to lie
Hey yo, man— its Chicken Time
Moderna, Dan-o — what’s my line?
Super Bowl week, my mom just died

Let's just get this straight for a second; Wittyngham
Doesn’t think that your last name is pronounced the way you say it is
Everything that he says is hifalutin
Making Pablo seem tame by comparison

Its the Stat of the Day, long version only
Why is everything you say a sports cliche?
Subscribe and rate, Mystery Crate
Scallawag gotta walk the plank
Greg doesn’t have a Back In My Day
Stu is reeling off another 700 nicknames

Guillermo, put it on the poll
You don’t get the show, you just wanna troll, uh
You want more of this, and less of that, and “Dan is fat”
You better check your entitlement...
Why y’all gotta be so — mean
Hiding behind your — screens
Internet trolls tryna make a scene
Shootin’ your web just like Amin

Reddit posters, you can pretty much all miss me
With your moaning and complaining ‘bout a show you get for free
Y’all just being giant babies tryna stir up a commotion, yeah
You fools can kick rocks and walk right into the ocean, ayy

Billy I’ve had quite enough of your eccentricities 
No one here’s equipped to handle your brand of neuroses 
When you’re talking way too much, and you’re causing a commotion, yeah
$2 fine, now go walk in the ocean

Walk In The Ocean

An original piece by Andrew Streeter

Artwork by Angel Resto!

Chris Wittyngham is a Fancy Lad

Inspired by "Peaches" by Justin Bieber
-----------------

I stump the Meech each time he calls, yeah
The biggest weasel in south Florida
I got a house right on the golf course
But it’s like 500 miles north, yeah

I stump the Meech each time he calls, yeah
I’m drivin’ Danno up the wall, yeah 
I’m never going to Sioux Falls, yeah
I prolly gotta coach lacrosse then

And this game oh, is impossible to win
I feel bad when John calls in
Mike Ryan never makes it easy ‘cause it’s better for the show, oh
And you know Stu, saying so much incorrect
Is a gold mine of content - yeah
And Meech’ll just keep guessing 'til the end of time

I stump the Meech each time he calls, yeah
I’m good with anything that’s false, yeah
I’m not a reliable source, yeah 
I lie and cheat without remorse, yeah

If you don’t know yet — I'm so gross, man
I get reservations, at the hardest places,
Night before holidays and
Say I’m bringing famous peers
And every time, its gotta be prime time
The pinnacle of slime

Stugotz is always out to con ya
You can’t say that nobody warned ya

I stump the Meech each time he calls, yeah
The biggest weasel in south Florida
I’m not a reliable source, yeah
I lie and cheat without remorse, yeah

Meech(es)

Music and Lyrics by Andrew Streeter

------

Overbearing just a tad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad
Syntax errors make him sad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad

So let us mount our penny farthings
Ride til dawn with our comrades
Shout at everyone you see that
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad

"Father"s what he calls his dad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad
He knows the capital of Chad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad

So raise your banners, shout "HUZZAH!"
Forget about when times were bad
All we should be focused on is
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad

It's become the latest fad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad
Where'd you get your undergrad?
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad

It's time for tea and time for crumpets
Make your colleagues extra mad
All you really need to know is
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad
Chris Wittyngham is a fancy lad

FANCY LAD (Director's Cut)

A very White Guys account of the fine system developed on the Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz. 
If you don't like this track, you can go walk in the ocean, or maybe I'll take the walk. Is this up for debate? You never know!

Consulting by my friend, Andrew of Whisper Sands
https://whispersands.bandcamp.com/

Lyrics:
Waaa ooo aaa ooooh, that is a fine

When Dan gets somebody’s name wrong
When Mike gets all snobby on a song
The Reaper speaks out
Chris gets rattled and then freaks out
Then Stugotz interrupts with “That’s a fine”

Waaa ooo aaa ooooh, that is a fine

Sometimes Dan forgets to watch his tone
Stugotz coughs right in the microphone
When Billy is useless
When Stu blames to make excuses
Then we will all remind them that's a fine

Stugotz read the internet wrong
He got a fine, but his money was gone
Old Greg Cote sits in the chair
And says something that breaks the show beyond repair

Roy just typed a live read without skill
Stu just found a $20 bill (that’s a fine)
We hate to say it
One time Dan killed poor Frank Layden
And I think that’s a $50 fine

Waaa ooo aaa ooooh, that is a fine

Fine Song

A tribute to the laziest radio host in America. To the tune of "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger. 

Lyrics:


I had visions I would be a big time host like Mike or the Mad Dog
Called 911 on a bullfrog
It scared the living bleep out of me
Roy typed up a read and I’m not confidently sure I can read it
And no I’m never defeated
I’ll try to shift the blame off of me
Hope it’ll work, but no, it never does

I can’t read & I can’t spell
Am I Art Briles? Cause I’m in Hell

Had it up to here with all the Zappos boxes piled at my front door
I only looked at the box score
But I’ll pretend that I watched the game
I procrastinate and then I wind up texting Chris, Mike or Billy
To come up with something silly
And write my Weekend Observations for me, bleep you

I can’t read & I can’t spell
Am I Art Briles? Cause I’m in Hell
I can’t read & I can’t spell
It’d be a sin, to do my job well

I wanna be on screens
And take away some rings
I wanna have my Sundays with my wife it feels fine
I wanna play the back nine
Over at Pembroke Pines
I wanna guess some lines...
Take the Jets plus-niiiiiiiii-iiine...

Hell we doin’? Hell we doin’? All my teams are trying to annoy me
Or they embarrass or bore me
It makes me wanna break my TV
We made plans for golf and then I didn’t show; I’m sorry I missed ya
I had a lacrosse-mitzfa
Someday my lies will finally catch up to me (oh no!)

I can’t read & I can’t spell
Am I Art Briles? Cause I’m in Hell
I can’t read & I can’t spell
It’d be a sin, to do my job well

Show Poll Reada (A Stugotz Anthem)

A short but delightful little ditty about the legendary backup Center, Michael Doleac. To the tune of "Rocket Man (I Think It's Gonna Be a Long, Long Time) by Sir Elton John.

Lyrics:


Miami’s quite a place to play pro ball
In fact, it’s dope as Hell
Even with limited minutes, off the bench

The second unit really ain’t so bad
It’s just my job 3 games a week
For a back up fiiiiiihiiiive
Named Doleac

And I think it’s gonna be in garbage time 
When I get fouled and go to the free throw line
And unlike Shaq, I’m gonna make ‘em both
Oh whoa whoa whoa

Michael Doleac...
DOLEAAAAAAAC
Been around the league 10 years or so
But I’ve been coming off the bench a long, long time

Doleac (I Think It's Gonna Be In Garbage Time)

A tribute to the best darn sportswriter the Miami Herald has ever known. To the tune of "Maneater" by Daryl Hall & John Oates.

Lyrics:


Showkiller

He’s only on once a week
Musty and oblique
He’s had a cough since 1994
Watching and waiting... for his moment to bring things to a screeching halt

Whatever is interesting
He’ll relay the opposite thing
Sometimes he’ll bring a relic from his room of curios
Quality matters... but it doesn’t to Greg, that much we know for sure...

•
Whoa-oh here he comes
Cue the loser game show sound
Whoa-oh here he comes
He’s a showkiller

Whoa-oh there he goes
Missing the hard network out
Everybody knows
(Watch out) He’s a showkiller
•

He’s his own biggest fan
Lives to annoy Dan
He’s deadly, man — instantly just tears the show apart
Mindlessly blathers
He’s been coming for years, but he still doesn’t watch the clock

•
Whoa-oh here he comes
Cue the loser game show sound
Whoa-oh here he comes
He’s a showkiller

Whoa-oh there he goes
Missing the hard network out
Everybody knows
(Watch out) He’s a showkiller
•

Showkiller

This one's for the lovable Christopher Cote, and his recent dalliance with Australian horse race betting in the wake of a global pandemic that has halted all major sporting event...

To the tune of "Pony" by Ginuwine

Lyrics:

I'm just a gambler
Looking for some action
Real sports have been gone too long...
Who knows when they're coming back; so:

Chris Cote
Is betting
Australian ponies
Friend gave him
Tips and
Daddy jumped on 'em

(Australian) Ponies

This one's for Finny... kind of?

To the tune of "Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile.

Lyrics:

Shut That Dog Up

Stu we’re all workin' from home, yeah, you know, yeah
These aren’t like regular shows, yeah, to host, yeah
We’re just talkin’ on the Zoom, yeah, in our rooms, yeah
Things aren’t always running smooth, but it’s all good, yeah
‘Cept I keep hearing your dog, yeah
He’s loud, yeah
Gotta do something about it, it’s like he’s shoutin’
Hire somebody to walk him, or somethin’
You just ain’t doing enough, yeah
Ruff ruff, yeah
You could tie him to a post, yeah
While you host, yeah
Maybe throw a bone outside, yeah
Rawhide, yeah

We’re tryna do a show, can’t you shut your dog up
How come you have no control? Won’t you shut your dog up
You got a big house, can’t you shut that dog up?
We’re all in this together, #ShutThatDogUp

We’re tryna do a show, can’t you shut your dog up
How come you have no control? Won’t you shut your dog up
We all love Finny, but please shut that dog up
We’re all in this together, #ShutThatDogUp

Shut That Dog Up

Not sure about you, but I think six weeks is just about enough wall-to-wall Michael Jordan documentary coverage/content for my liking (sports desert or not).

To the tune of "Mambo no. 5" by Lou Bega

Lyrics:


Twenty-three (and forty-five)
In a content desert, so come on let’s ride 
on the docuseries 10-parter
You know we gotta squeeze out all the juice
‘Cause right now we got nada
This thing ended just last night
But there must be more to analyze 
We’ll talk Jordan, MJ, Michael, The Greatest!
The Worldwide Leader’s got the latest:

A little bit of Michael on First Take
A little bit of Mike for Michael’s sake
A little bit of MJ on Will Cain
A little bit of Mike on Stephen A.
They’re gonna talk the GOAT on PTI
A little bit of Jordan, all the time
A little bit of MJ’s all we’ve got
A little bit of Mike, like it or not

Maybe a little MJ on GetUp
A smattering of Michael on The Jump
The GOAT debate again on Around The Horn
It’s gonna make ya wish you were never born
A little side of Michael with your lunch
I bet you wonder when this will be done
A little more Jordan in your face
I think I’d rather watch a NASCAR race

Jordan: All The Time

Dan Is Fat

Based on "Video Killed The Radio Star" by The Buggles

Greg Cote Killed The Radio Show

To the tune of Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners.

Lyrics by Andrew Streeter and Yeti Blanc.


Poor old soul Kawhi...
Seemed sad in San Antonio
Got a ring up in Toronto
The Canucks all cried
When he left there -- who'd blame them?

Gone home (to LA)
Got Paul George (to LA)
Expectations higher than ever... (for the Clippers)

Tied 2-2, they're tied 2-2, oh boy....
Can they get out of the first round?

Pandemic P
Going 3 for 14
He just can't seem to hit anything
The Clips are their best
While he's getting some rest
Guess Kawhi has to do everything...

Pandemic P
A cancer to the team
Shots aren't falling for Pandemic P
Luka tore them to shreds
Did it on just one leg
Oh, come on now...
Pandemic P

Pandemic P

To the tune of "Mamma Mia!" by ABBA


Time For Tua
--------------------
We've been waiting for you since Marino left
We've been historically bad -- but at least we're not the Jets
We didn't tank -- and we still got you
Cash in the bank
Now we're ready to rock n' roll
Hawaiian fire within our souls...

2 for 2 for 9 yards in garbage time...
2 for 2 -- We've seen enough; he'll be fine

Time for Tua
Fitz is on the bench
My my... that escalated quickly
Time for Tua
Now we're relevant!
Uh huh.. unless we keep on losing

Yeah, Fitz is brokenhearted
Can't finish what he started
Tough luck -- Time to let the rookie shine

Time for Tua
He looks kinda small
But my my -- he's the savior of us all!

Time For Tua

To the tune of "You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi

Lyrics:

It's Tua Time!
Ain't it a shame that we can't say his last name?

QB1 -- time will tell
Just hope Aaron Donald won't put him through Hell

Whoa! Now the Dolphins are fun!
Maybe the good times have finally begun?!

Tua's the guy
But it's a shame that we can't say his last name
He's got the goods
His arm's insane
But we can't say his last name...

(We Can't Say His Last Name...)

Yeti Blanc, Fleminem & I were asked to contribute to the "long version" of the stat of the day; a massive segment for the final episode of the Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz that aired on ESPN Radio. 

This is what we came up with. Enjoy!

STAT OF THE DAY (The Long Version)

To the tune of "YMCA" by the Village People.



Lyrics:
-------------------------

Sunday!

What we’ve all waited for, is this

Sunday!

Handing out the awards here on

Sunday!

In an ill-fitting suit will be 

Greg-o-ry Paul Co-te


That’s when

You’ll turn on the livestream to stare

Blankly

At Greg giving a speech

You aren’t even

In this fantasy league

But you still. won’t. want. to. miss. it...


The annual gala for

PFPI

Let’s have a party for

PFPI


Cheap mimosas be damned

This thing’s still in-demand

You should cancel all other plans


It’s the tradition of 

PFPI

Pro Football Predictions Incorporated


Oh, you have to be there

And pretend that you care

Or your bound to get a death glare

DLS

Aaron