No Smile Mixtape, Vol. 1

U Should Run

prod. by me
Lyrics:

[Chorus]
Sometimes we're so early at goodbyes
It's been 3 years, oh how the time flies
I feel my skin thinner and thinner every day
''I love you'', is what I'm waiting for her to say

[Verse]
Oh, I mourned every day
I don't know why, I know you are not dead
Feels like my mind is under arrest
Bearing such pain in my chest
Oh, I could never guess (Yeah I could never guess it)
God, why am I so stressed?
Perhaps I need a break, finally a rest

[Pre-Chorus]
When she returns, will it be the same?
Or will she even, have I lost at the game?
If I don't have you by my side, what good is fame?
I beg you, please don't forget my name
Wish I had a chance to say
It was never you to blame
But I think I'm too late
'Cause our memories slowly slide from the frame

[Chorus]
Sometimes we're so early at goodbyes
It's been 3 years, oh how the time flies
I feel my skin thinner and thinner every day
''I love you'', is what I'm waiting for her to say

[Pre-Chorus]
When she returns, will it be the same?
Or will she even, have I lost at the game?
If I don't have you by my side, what good is fame?
I beg you, please don't forget my name
Wish I had a chance to say
It was never you to blame
But I think I'm too late
'Cause our memories slowly slide from the frame

[Chorus]
Sometimes we're so early at goodbyes
It's been 3 years, oh how the time flies
I feel my skin thinner and thinner every day
''I love you'', is what I'm waiting for her to say

[Outro]
I passed by the park we kissed at again
I know you won't believe it, but I'll still say it
I know you won't believe it, but I'll still call it
I promise I didn't cry, I just smiled
I promise I didn't cry, I didn't...

i promise i didn't cry

rest in peace mom
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
so what’s next? to let myself go? 
life closed the stretch of that road
i could have been there in the end, but selfishness left me alone
i’ve dropped a lot of my hopes
no home, and nowhere to go
tried not to stress, but now you're dead and buried
how could i have known the end of your life would that sudden? 
i felt so attacked
i’m caving in
might fade away just to escape what i know 
but that’s how we die, and it’s sad
forget all the plans that we had 
i’m caving in
might fade away just to escape what i know 
what's next? to let myself go? 
life closed the stretch of that road
i could have been there in the end, but selfishness left me alone 
i’ve dropped a lot of my hopes
no home, and nowhere to go
tried not to stress, but now you're dead and buried
how could i have known?

("i know when i said goodbye to him, that it wasn't goodbye forever
when i see him again he won't be in pain, and he won't be weak")

but that’s how we die, and it’s sad
forget all the plans that we had 
i’m caving in 
might fade away just to escape what i know

prod/mix/master by me

missing your wake

i watched it fall away again. i’m tired, so why should i pretend i’m over it? fuck it, i’m fine. i’ll act like it hasn't been on my mind. i don't know why i tried to hide from lies. i thought that i could have a stable life again. i’m playing blank cassettes. i know you remember the time i said “what the fuck do you want from me?” off the meds. but then i was left with a lie. you said you would be mine. look behind misguided eyes, i left everything i had that night. you called me just to invite me back to that city and leave behind the new life i liked, so i said goodbye. i took my car, i knew it wasn't right. i let regrets surrounding my head fall again. all i wanted, then, was to make amends. it was only months before i watched it end. remember that note that i left for you? desperate, i just needed help, but you decided to vanish. well, fuck you too. i was homeless and left to move. abusing a drug that fucked up my head until i overdosed again. i know you remember the time i said “what the fuck do you want from me?” off the meds. i’m over it. fuck it, i’m fine. i’ll act like it hasn't been on my mind. my last cry for help.

prod/mix/mst by me

subvital-44

▶ Music Video

the vein in black

in loving memory of my mother angela

for all the lies you would believe; you lost what i'd let use my trust for these wrongful lines. i couldn't see the cost and the headache it took to leave. the weight on my chest and roads that ended made me regret my disbelief. these days with no rest made me desperate. opiates let me get to sleep.

for all the lies you would believe; you lost what i'd let use my trust for these wrongful lines. i couldn't see the cost and the headache it took to leave. lost in my head shaking thoughts that i've let take all that was left until you couldn't breathe. cut off from my meds in a loft with no bed i'd hope for the best but never sleep.

▶ Spotify

angela

lyrics//

Take ride on my jeep
She wanna die like me
She don’t wanna lie like I do
Every night, I swear its the same thing everytime.x2

Ur lipstick marks on my neck, 
They won’t go away,
She’s so fine, when she walking down the hallway.
She’s not mine, but she will be someday.
Now I’m sprawled out on the couch on a Sunday.

Take ride on my jeep
She wanna die like me
She don’t wanna lie like I do
Every night, I swear its the same thing everytime.x2

Everytime I’m with u, I miss u.
u were the girl of my dreams
It seems
Everyone changes.
Plz don’t fake this.
Why u gotta make this
All about me, 
Im not sorry for ur mistakes
(sorry for ur mistakes)
I was the one for keeps
(I was the one for keeps)
U were just one of the snakes.
ohh

Take ride on my jeep
She wanna die like me
She don’t wanna lie like I do
Every night, I swear its the same thing everytime.

my jeep

music video

my jeep (prod.irby)

i lost myself and wasn't seeing it through
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you 
i stopped and fell into a sea of abuse
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you
forgot the help that i’d known and lost myself without hope 

i lost myself and wasn't seeing it through
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you
i stopped and fell into a sea of abuse
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you
i want to stay but i know our days are numbered
i’ve lost all hope

i’m haunted by this mess and just want to know what's next
i long for what is left but i just need some rest  
i watched the light turn red but crossed despite their death
i’m constantly obsessed

i lost myself and wasn't seeing it through
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you

cracks in the mirror

i cope alone again hoping i can get away from it
i say i’ll quit but honestly it never ends
she watched as i would fall again

i know the hope can lend help to grow from this
i hate the sickness made of it
i know i’m meant for more than this,
but drowning helps me just forget the past that i regret

holding onto what was left until i lost myself again
i’m dwelling over words unsaid

i cope alone again hoping i can get away from it
i say i’ll quit but honestly it never ends
she watched as i would fall again

i know the hope can lend help to grow from this
i hate the sickness made of it
i know i’m meant for more than this but i’ve been feeling so misled

i’m walking on an edge trying not to drown again
i was hanging by a thread holding on to what was left

prod/mix/mst by me

a moon without the sun

didn't feel right to do w/o the boy @guardinmusic , hope y'all get this stuck in your heads.

s/o to @ _ikiryo_art on insta for the pretty visual

lyrics:

[flowars]
Everything you do is so damn perfect
Even when you're killing me
I love the way you look with bloodstained lips, so sexy
You can suck me dry until I'm dead or dying I'm okay with either,
Only for the monster with my heart in hand will I ever suffer

I'll protect you fallen angel, and your demons too
I don't hate you for your nature, I'm a monster too
Tear my heart to pieces and I'll piece it back together
Just to keep the peace I'll suffer with you for forever

Happy will never matter as long as you get your way,
I'm happy just to have you but it's suicide to stay
Who am I today, who are you but sorrow?
Sometimes I dread tomorrow, I feel my life is borrowed
Sometimes my chest feels hollow, and that's just because she swallowed

My sweet temptress, evil empress, poison princess don't lose interest
I might distress, I get so depressed when you leave me; cold and bleeding

Everything you do is so damn perfect
Even when you're killing me
I love the way you look with bloodstained lips, so sexy
You can suck me dry until I'm dead or dying I'm okay with either,
Only for the monster with my heart in hand will I ever suffer

[guardin]
she likes the way my hands glide
up her hipbones in the moonlight
kiss my chest and 
leave an imprint
lost my mind again
girl don't trip it's
like whatever
my heart isn't together
my mind is in the sky with chance of cloudy weather
it's okay if i let her down she'll find someone better
if lying to myself is what it takes then imma let her drown
and i can drown too
these bottles in my bedroom
they comfort me in silence sippin' violently like you do
the corner of my lip is split from smoking like a damn fool
if words don't have a meaning why the fuck i got these tattoos?

[flowars]
I'm just food for you my love
Break my rib and suck my blood
I'm just food for you my love
Drink till you're drunk
Or I'm ash and dust

Don't gaze too deep in her eyes
There's a pain that she could never hide
You wear such a pretty disguise
Lure me and I'm so mesmerized

you're a blood sucking pest and I know
love is a test and I'll pass another go

bloodsucker (feat. guardin)

bloodsucker ft. guardin (prod. 8milotb)

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

watching life pass me by
i wish i had one last goodbye

“i’m alright, i'll be fine”
that’s a lie, you know i’m dead inside

if nothing ever lasts, what’s the point of finding happiness?
i’ll never have you back and that’s a life i’d rather never live

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

all the fights, every lie...
can i take back all the spite?

i can try to find the light
but without you i’m still dead inside

if nothing ever lasts, what’s the point of finding happiness?
i’ll never have you back and that’s a life i’d rather never live

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

prod/mix/mst by me

subvital-44

letter from a crow

when i was young id fall asleep on the stairs
plying too hard but my daddy was there
picking me up and tucking me in
life was so safe
life wasnt this

when i was young id find my dad passed out on the stairs
life was too hard but his bottle was there
too small to pick him up id shake him with care
his life wasnt safe
his life wasnt fair

he gave us his all and he never complained
all of our responsibilities and all of our pain
all of our stress and all of our blame
to clean the messes we made
through the loss 
he would say

put my finger in the dam 
nothing ever leaks
i was raised a man
im all ill ever need
filled with courage
thanks to 6 drinks
bottled from the world
so they dont think i need saving

put my finger on the hammer
nothing ever leaks
i was raised a man
my pain will never speak
filled with courage
thanks to 6 drinks
death will never shake me
bottle or a gun
which one will take me?

the bottle took him when i was just 16
barely cried, n been poppin bottles lately
today i took and addi
hoping my heart would give out
n stop fighting
the tears that i needed to spill out
im not used to water on my face
or this feeling of not knowing my place
i dont wanna b another stat on a page
i dont wanna b another silent victim of this age
so ill never say

put my finger in the dam 
nothing ever leaks
i was raised a man
im all ill ever need
filled with courage
thanks to 6 drinks
bottled from the world
so they dont think i need saving

put my finger on the hammer
nothing ever leaks
i was raised a man
my pain will never speak
filled with courage
thanks to 6 drinks
death will never shake me
bottle or a gun
which one will take me?

i promise i didn't cry

lil abdush

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