The bboyjaynerd puts his money where his mouth is to bring you original beats and rhymes befitting his book; Crown, Heart and Sword.

Crown, Heart and Sword Rap

A spooky short story, written and narrated by Alex Jayner.

"She Screamed Skeleton
By Alex Jayner

Harriette had been invited to an autumn garden party by a friend of hers. 

It was the yearly gathering held by a jolly retiree of local renown, Old Richie.

Arriving at the gate to Old Richie’s House, Harriette wasn’t overly concerned that she couldn’t find her friend right away. 

There were a lot of other people invited after all.

The buzz of conversations, a smoky aroma in the air, and a relaxed atmosphere reassured Harriette as she began to mingle and ask around for her friend.

Her optimism lasted one tour of the garden.

No friend in sight.

Harriette decided it would be best to ask the host, Old Richie, but where was he?

“Old Richie is usually working the barbecue,” said someone confidently enough. “He hunts game and then shares it with us like this.”

Harriette made her way over to where there was an amber light and the crackling pops of a wood fire. 

She started to get an uneasy feeling as she realized she still hadn’t recognized anyone at the party yet.

Finally, Old Richie arrived back at the grill with a plate of freshly chopped meat.

“Hello Harriette,” said Old Richie as he got straight back to cooking.

Then a pause.

For a moment the only sound Harriette could hear was that of meat beginning to sizzle

Old Richie continued. “Your friend was just helping me prepare the latest cuts. They should be right behind me.”

Harriette turned around and found herself face to face with an ivory silhouette.

Boney hands grabbed her shoulders with the cold chill of death itself.

Harriette screamed “Skeleton!” as she kicked herself free.

The crowd around Harriette went quiet and froze in place for a moment, then turned slowly in her direction.

By contrast, the Skeleton advanced quickly and mercilessly on Harriette as she tried to side step the horror.

Inevitably, the Skeleton got Harriette in its grip once more, this time with an undead strength pinning her to the ground so she could not escape.

Old Richie knelt above Harriette and laughed, “Ha! With a hug like that it looks like your friend missed you a lot.”

Just then, a kid with a boombox was walking past the house, playing poppin’ tunes with extra bass.

The vibrations from the boombox had a softening effect on the Skeleton, giving Harriette just the moment she needed to slip free.

Then Harriette ran to the barbecue and kicked all of the meat off of the grill and onto the ground.

The gawking crowd suddenly moaned and sprang onto the pile of half cooked meat like wild animals.

Harriette grabbed a spatula and slapped Old Richie in the face, knocking him off his feet, while making her escape.

She emerged back on the open street in a sprint. Running to the safety of her home.

No one ever saw Old Richie or his guests again, but on autumn nights something yet lingers in the air; the smell of seared flesh.

Bon appétit."

She Screamed Skeleton

The Lilypad Bandits present:
Coffee Cat
by Alex Jayner - Lyrics & Vocals
and Gaelle Jayner - Composition & Vocals


Coffee cat

"Torment of the Tide Trudger
by Alex Jayner

Terry was putting together a bonfire on the beach by their home in Hillside.

There had been a lot of rainy weather and storms recently but with the return of clear skies and the promise of a starry night, Terry’s friends were on their way over via canoe.

They’d all agreed to an evening on the beach and then a sleepover at Terry’s house.

But as the canoe came into view, no one was paddling it.

The current of the bay carried the canoe right to Terry’s beach.

Stepping in the water Terry got a hold of the canoe’s gunnels, and just as swiftly pushed it back out, sat in the middle and grabbed a paddle.

It was not yet sunset but would be soon enough.

Terry pulled against the current and past the point, retracing the route their friends always take.

Around the bend there was nothing but cliffs and sea caves meeting the water.

Waves began hitting the canoe harder from the side, and splashing in some salty sea foam.

That’s when Terry noticed the paddle creak in their hands.

No time to inspect the damage, a glance and everything seemed solid enough.

The wind began to blow harder and an unsettling howl reverberated from the sea caves. 

Could Terry’s friends be trapped inside?

Scanning the rocky facade, Terry noticed that the last storm had eroded the mouth of one cave in particular. 

There was a dim glow in that cave, and that cave alone.

Why hadn’t they seen it until now?

The light moved back and forth and silhouettes emerged.

It was Terry’s friends, wading through the shallows. 

Veering the canoe around, to the mouth of the cave, Terry and their friends were reunited.

“We’re glad to see you!” they hollered.

“What happened?”

“A blasted wave knocked us over the side.”

“C’mon, let’s get out of here”

Everyone was in the canoe and they made for Terry’s beach.

But Terry broke the rhythm briefly and asked “Was anyone else in that cave?”

Their friends didn’t answer.

They paddled like their lives depended on it.

And for the rest of the trip home, Terry kept trying to remember what they’d seen.

Had there been a third silhouette? 

The beach was close, Terry jumped into the ankle deep surf and hauled the canoe onto the shore.

Their friends were wheezing as Terry helped them next to the unlit bonfire.

Terry fumbled in their pockets feeling for that trusty flint and steel.

The sun was now gone.

“We need to get this lit.” yelled Terry.

But their friends had pulled the canoe further on land and turned it over, making an improvised shelter.

They were snuggled under the canoe, exhausted from their endeavours.

In the shrouded darkness of twilight, Terry frantically struck sparks into kindling and dry grass clumps.

At last one hit home and ignited the bonfire, thankfully burning hot enough a moment later to catch the small sticks and create a comforting crackle.

Terry exhaled deeply, then slumped next to the fire, lying in the sand and looking up to the stars.

Any clouds left in the sky were parting, the storm was long gone.

Terry listened to the sound of the fire grow, and tended to it with a few sticks.

The glowing flames danced but an odd greenish colour caressed the embers.

Terry looked to where that light could be coming from.

It was the waves, an aura just below the surface.

Then splashing from the water leapt that third silhouette Terry had thought they’d seen.

Lurching with heavy webbed steps, the Tide Trudger slowly closed in on Terry.

With a kick of sand, Terry reached for a paddle and swung it right at the creature’s scaly head.

It was the weakened paddle and it snapped as it made contact with the Tide Trudger.

The creature was stunned momentarily but Terry froze too, unsure of what to do next.

Then the creature lunged as Terry missed their chance to brace for impact..." (MAX 4000 characters, sorry)

Torment of the Tide Trudger

"The Harmonic Humanoid's Horror
By Alex Jayner
Fight choreography by Mathis Aulnette

Maddy and friends were out in the countryside filming a music video at their family farm.

They wrapped as the light was fading but stuck around to watch the sunset briefly.

Then they climbed through a fence on the way back inside, freestyling rhymes and moves in celebration.

Only Maddy saw the oddly refracting shape of light fly over them as they closed the farmhouse door.

“Too much head boppin’,” Maddy told themself as the others hit the showers.

With darkness now dominating the landscape, columns of light brush stroked from the farmhouse, dissecting the shadows.

The friends moved from room to room, getting dinner ready, eating, and playing a board game; it made for an interesting spectacle to any eyes watching from outside.

Maddy had grown quiet as the evening continued, and turned their attention to a sketchbook instead of playing a second round.

They tried to draw the light they had seen in the sky but couldn’t.

In their memory it was still there, but the image itself was wrong.

Maddy remembered something they hadn’t seen, and decided to try and draw that instead.

A simple scale-like shape with four eyes, four fangs and a single mandible.

Completing the sketches, Maddy lifted the book to show their friends but everyone seemed to have retired to the bedrooms upstairs.

Maddy hadn’t noticed what time it was and felt a pang of breathlessness as they realised they weren’t actually alone.

A short silhouette outside the patio window slowly slid the door open.

“Why wasn’t it locked?” wondered Maddy.

Then the shadowy figure crept inside, coming into focus and appearing humanoid.

The humanoid wore an environmental suit of some kind, the design looked to be from another world.

The humanoid spotted Maddy and turned a knob on the suit.

The oddly refracting shape of light flashed into the room and it seemed to also project the monstrous image directly into Maddy’s mind.

But quickly rolling over and behind the sofa it became apparent to Maddy it wasn’t the light causing the image.

It came from some kind of sound frequency, a humming.

The humming grew more intense and Maddy imagined horrors creeping in closer.

The only object Maddy could get their hands on was the portable stereo from their music video earlier.

Not knowing if a tape was still in the deck or if the batteries held a charge, Maddy cranked up the volume and pressed play.

Without hesitation they leapt clear over the sofa, back in the direction of the humanoid.

In the time it took to close the gap, Maddy saw the humanoid trembling from the low fidelity beats.

First, they swung the stereo like a hammer, smashing the suit console.

Second, they followed up with an uppercut so strong and pure it breached the helmet and crushed bones.

Then the humanoid fell to the ground and didn’t get up.

Maddy pressed stop.

The sound of Maddy’s friends could be heard upstairs.

As everyone rushed to the scene, Maddy was throwing the humanoid out the door with one hand.

All eyes were on the lifeless body when the Horror from Maddy’s vision appeared and caught it mid air.

The Horror’s mandible pressed the body with a ‘snap’ against its four fangs, squeezing whatever juice it could from the alien anatomy.

Maddy fumbled with the stereo, tried to hit play but pressed fast forward, tried to hit stop but slammed the eject button.

The Horror dropped the humanoid to the ground and moved in close to Maddy.

But just as it did, the stereo tape deck jammed and then in an instant the cassette tape ribbon shot out at the Horror.

The ribbon sailed right into one of the suckers on the Horror’s fangs.

A squeak was heard and the Horror fell harmlessly into Maddy’s arms.


They had a bonfire later that night, burning the aliens.

Maddy wasn’t going to leave anything to chance.

The End."

The Harmonic Humanoid's Horror

"Awful Amusement of the Abomination
by Alex Jayner

Drew always knew the old fort ruins on the cliff were special.

There were many forts in the region but this one was almost entirely taken over by nature.

The battle that had happened here was long enough ago that it could only be remembered in history books and local legends. 

Where canons once fired from the commanding heights, now revellers and festive folk illegally set off fireworks while hollering out over the landscape on summer nights.

Drew didn’t mind the celebratory spirit, nor did the local authorities bother to enforce penalties for such acts.

But it did bother Drew that on their evening walks they’d find the refuse of scorched cardboard, melted plastic and burnt fuses.

Drew had developed the habit of bringing a garbage bag to help them pocket and clean up what rubbish was strewn about on their path.

They figured there was much more piled up behind the underbrush and Drew had decided to go out of their way this evening to clear as much as they could.

The night before had been particularly loud, and even lasted two hours, but strangely very few of the fireworks were seen in the sky compared to the wizzes and bangs heard in the valley below. 

When Drew began to dig through the bushes at last, they found a few bits but nothing fresh from the night before.

Looking all around, Drew saw that more scuffs and stamped footprints were found than trash.

So they carried on with their walk past an information sign that was a little mossy, then up on a knoll, and finally to the tunnel entrances.

Now they saw where the trash was, scattered across the floor of the tunnels.

Black scorch marks were all over the walls and ceiling.

The party animals had been setting off fireworks in the tunnels for some reason; odd.

There was enough natural light left that the tunnels were mostly illuminated.

Drew crouched inside as they began collecting all of the trash.

It was a bit filthy but rather satisfying, and Drew even found an unused firework and half a book of matches.

They set everything astride one of the doorways and turned to admire their efforts.

There were some shadowy spots Drew was about to go to next when they heard a groan.

Deep in the tunnels a figure moved slowly closer.

From the size of it, Drew assumed it was a bear, and backed out of the tunnels equally slowly.

Stepping into the light, the figure could have been a bear but it had the face of a human.

Its skin was scarred, burned and had been stitched back together.

Drew already had the leftover firework and matches in their hands when the Abomination was about to crush them.

In a flash, sparks filled the tunnel.

Drew dropped the furnace of jubilation and ran.

They later saw the creature again on many occasions, but mercifully only in their darkest dreams."

Awful Amusement of the Abomination

Just some movie quotes about cards added to .Haku's brilliant song "Game Club" from the game Card City Nights.

art by Gaëlle Jayner

Card City Nights - Game Club (quote Mix) .Haku feat. TheJaynerd

Cut up scene quotes from "The Drunk and On Drugs Happy Funtime Hour" that feature the pirate Russferd T. Diggins... all to the salty grooves of .Haku's "Creepy Scab" from Card City Nights 2.

Diggins In Space (Card City Nights 2 - Creepy Scab QUOTE MIX)

A spooky short story, written and narrated by Alex Jayner.

"The Werewolf of Williams Woods
By Alex Jayner

Moe was going to see their friends for a board game night but first stopped by a local pizzeria on the way.

After chatting with the owner and paying,
Moe was back out in the cold autumn rain with pizza in hand.

Walking up the hill 
to a small house often found bubbling with living-room chuckles.

Tonight was no different.

Cheers and applause met Moe on arrival.

The friends played and ate as you might expect until they heard something outside.

A scratching and snarling at the door.

Was it a neighbourhood dog?

No, much larger!

The friends stayed quiet listening even as the noise stopped.

Then a scream out in the street.

The rain was gone and now fog filled the air.

So the friends grabbed baseball bats, flashlights and a radio instead of their overcoats.

They rushed to where they thought they had heard the scream.

They found a city bus, still with the engine running and the lights on.

But no driver,
No one at all
And the doors wide open.

Then the sound of footsteps coming from around the back of the bus.
The friends huddled together to brace for the worst.

A silhouette came into view.

Someone hurt.

Their arm bit by pointy teeth.

One of the friends had a bandana.

They wrapped up the wound and everyone got out of there.

First they tried to go home but heard a howl in that direction,
So they went down the hill.

One of them turned on the radio, hoping for a news flash but finding none.

The noise attracted the sound of large paws that could be heard over the radio’s music.

They soon found themselves outside the pizzaria,
A few b-boys and b-girls took notice of the tunes and started to bust moves.

Just then the tall werewolf stepped into the light,

Wagged its tail
And joined in the dancing.

When the werewolf came out of the circle, someone was passing around slices of pizza and tossed one over.

All eating happily,
Moe gave a high five to the beast.

Once the silver ring on Moe’s finger touched the werewolf’s paw,
Then the curse was lifted.

The end?"

bboyjaynerd

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