A trio of time traveling spacemen venture back to 1995. Not to avert any particular disaster, but to stock up on Crystal Pepsi, as it's discontinued. Don't bother them about war crimes or whatever, their need for transparent uncola comes first.

LYRICS:

We're spacemen from the future
We came back for Crystal Pepsi
Also to stop Hitler
But mostly for Crystal Pepsi
If there's time left after scoring
All that crystal-clear uncola
We might just stop by Africa
And eradicate Ebola
No promises though
No promises though
We're not out to overthrow the status quo
We're only here for the uncola that's clear
No time to go back and abolish Jim Crow
We're robots on a mission
You have to understand
We come from a dark dystopia
That's why we formed this band
Transparent beverages were banned in 2059
They're the secret sauce that lets us cross
the void of space and time
We'd un-nuke Nagasaki 
We'd erase the Berlin wall
Apartheid and the killing fields
The invention of the mall
But none of that's our problem
We're just passing through
We'll bring back Crystal Pepsi 
But the rest is up to you.

Spacemen From the Future Remix

A righteous triumfeminate of fun loving, hard rocking, brutally violent muscle girls battle the sinister censorship of MOMS (Ministry of Moral Superiority) who created an army of cyberdactyls via the dark powers of the Karenomicon. In the resulting post-apocalyptic future, Battle Sluts kill & grill while starring in their own syndicated TV show

LYRICS:

Supersonic Lesbionic Futuristic Pugilistic 
Excitement, Drama, Babe-o-rama, Anarchistic Fetishistic

Battle Sluts are coming like we warned you before
Their uber just pulled up, now they’re kicking down your door
You devoured every episode, and then demanded more
So now they’re back, relax your crack, while they commence the gore

Chorus: 
Tell me why, the prophets did not foresee
Cyberdactyls would plague humanity
But someday, a righteous matriarchy
Wouldst abolish their race, by official decree

In a far off distant future, or maybe the distant past
Battle sluts are suiting up to bash some dactyl ass
Their ovaries are fortified with vitamin sass
Double click, unzip ya dick, get ready to blast

(Chorus)

Sadistica’s the alpha, gynomancer supreme
Abomina is logical in the extreme
Vindicia knows positions to make any girl scream
Sisters with blisters, an unstoppable team!

(Chorus) + “These sisters are vicious, an unstoppable team!”

Shut up about canon, just accept what we say
Our critics are anonymous, their face and balls are gay
married to each other, twas a very special day
Just for that, tit for tat, season 3 is delayed

Battle Sluts Season 2

Written over a decade ago to promote electric cars, much has changed since then. Like all EVs using lithium batteries, which wasn't always the case. So the lyrics don't entirely make sense, but whatever.

Lithiums

Lyrics:

Baby welcome to my crib
Why not make yourself at home
Let’s play some Lego Star Wars
While you bouncin’ on my bone

Rizz ‘em with the tism
That’s the order of the day
I’m gonna drown you in my jizm
While we rollin’ in the hay

Rizz ‘em with the tism
I’m like a covenant elite
Gonna give you a baptism
When I skeet on your feet

You heard that we love trains
I’m gonna prove that it’s true
When I infodump about it
And run a one-man train on you

Rizz ‘em with the tism
And a little finesse
I’ll be Cobra Commander
If you’ll be my Baroness

Rizz ‘em with the tism
They say opposites attract
I’ll teach you magnetism facts
While I’m blowin’ out ya back

When I said make yourself at home
I was being polite
If you move anything, I’ll cry
And ruin the whole night

Rizz ‘em with the tism
That’s how it’s got to be
With extreme fanaticism
When it comes to symmetry

Rizz ‘em with the tism
You could call it feng-shui
I got a special system
Not one item astray

My wardrobe’s all one color
I only eat white foods
Can I still be your lover
And will you still send me nudes

Rizz ‘em with the tism
Now we running out of time
You could be my Arcee
I’ll be your Optimus Prime

This song is almost over
But not our romance
I hope we can grow closer
If you’ll give me a chance

I wanna do lip pressings
And the holding of the hand
I’m a diamond in the rough
If you polish me enough
Then I…could be…your man
I could be your man

Rizz 'em with the Tism

Surrender

Murder 1000 Hyperkill

Ballad of the Murder Maiden. Re-upped to fix weak ending

Murder 1000 Hyperkill, Punk Mix

Lyrics

Oh I tell truth to power
Not afraid to speak my mind
Up in their ivory tower
So out of touch, so blind

How am I so controversial
Yet also very brave
Stay tuned after this commercial
For my sponsor, Dollar Shave

[Chorus:
I’m great at spotting problems
That’s half the battle won
Someone else can solve ‘em
But my work here is done]

Feed the hungry, end all war
My original, brilliant plan
Is peace too much to ask for?
Save every whale in Afghanistan 

It’s all right here, clear as day
In my manifesto
Click this link and then press play
Why yes, it’s a Youtube video

(chorus)

No one else has thought of this
As simple as it sounds
Billionaires will pay for it
By melting down their crowns

If they don’t we’ll hang ‘em high
And then we’ll hang his daughter
And anyone who won’t comply
Like cattle to the slaughter

(chorus)

Food comes from the market
Power from the wall
No one’s labor feeds his neighbor
It should be free to all

I don’t know economics
I’ve read neither keynes nor marx
But academic topics
Can’t overrule our hearts

(chorus)

It’s just as simple as it sounds
There’s nothing I’ve ignored
It works just fine within my mind
By now you must be floored

A genius for the ages
Who put an end to need
To the wisdom in these pages
The honest will concede

(chorus)

A triumph for compassion 
The right side of history
Is whatever’s now in fashion
You nervously agree

A statue in my likeness
Carved by future generations
Will commemorate the brightness
Of my moral observations

(chorus)

Am I guilty of insanity
Because I dare to care?
Am I the only one with empathy
Who wants life to be fair?

Only heartless ghouls dispute
My prescription for mankind
Characters of ill repute
They ought to be confined

I accept Paypal or Venmo
Donate what you can
Right now I live in Sacramento
By a river, in my van

Reddit Country

Epic ballad about a legendary warrior who could stand real good

Power Stance

Lyrics: 

I can’t tell you’re flirting cause I got the ‘tism. Wanna be my baby mama? Listen to this wisdom
Put your heart on your sleeve and be aggressive. If you’re dear to me, be clear with me, and be possessive

I’m so blind to feelings, don’t get me started. My brain is smart but, my heart is retarded
If you wanna break through, here’s what you do: Be direct, make me erect and be open hearted

Sit on my lap, and I’ll wonder why. I’ll beat a retreat, stroke my meat and cry
Ten years later, an epiphany: She wanted me to date her, but I didn’t see
Find her on twitter, now she has babies. Too late and too little, so it goes with the ladies

I’m so blind to feelings, don’t get me started. My brain is smart but, my heart is retarded
If you wanna break through, here’s what you do: Be direct, make me erect and be open hearted

Just a few rough edges that you gotta ignore. Yellow jugs, chicken nuggs, might store piss in a drawer. Ziplock bags of spaghetti in my pocket, snack for laters, fuck them haters, gotta try before you knock it. 

I’m so blind to feelings, don’t get me started. My brain is smart but, my heart is retarded
If you wanna break through, here’s what you do: Be direct, make me erect and be open hearted

Give us this day our daily tendies, deliver us from blue water, roll nothing but twenties
Maxin’ out stats in Bubsy and Disgaea, got anxiety, cause society made me a pariah.

Romantypical

Lyrics: 

If you wanna make a breakthrough, time to listen more
Head is spinnin’ while I fill you in on autism lore

I done told you ‘bout the tendies and I warned you ‘bout the jugs
What I didn’t say, when you’re away, I miss your warm hugs


Chorus: You could be my teacher, if you’re up to the part
I’ll degrease your pizza if you unfreeze my heart

You’re my only special interest, I could never get bored
Infodumping while you humping on my Megazord


Emotions and devotions, stumble when I express ‘em 
No deception, my affections, I struggle to confess ‘em

But my feelings are real, even if I seem logical
Still waters run deeper than Bionicle chronicles

[Chorus]

I love you so dearly, even if I can’t say it
I don’t come across clearly, but my actions betray it

My heart is under construction, Thanks for your patience, 
If your seduction’s obstructed, then keep being tenacious

[Chorus]

I’ll never stop learning, keep being my teacher 
I won’t give up on love, don’t give up on me either

My color’s calculated, my blankets are weighted, 
Good things, gold rings wait for love that’s fated

Neurodevoted

Lyrics:

This parking lot’s a minefield
It oughta be a safe place
There isn’t any need for speed
‘Cause parking’s not a race

DO NOT sneak behind me
When I’m pulling out my spot
You’re cruising for a bruising
In this here parking lot

(Chorus:
Under better circumstances
I’m not a nasty guy
But if you keep taking chances
I wish you a very die)

You could’ve caused an accident, I bet you’re uninsured
If you can’t tolerate obstruction
Then destruction is assured

You can spare a second, you’re not gonna be late
Heading home I reckon, your furry porn can wait

(Chorus)

I’m capable of bloodshed
Are you feeling brave?
I might go to prison
But you’ll be in the grave

That’s not where I’ll leave it
While you’re meeting God
I’ll find your home
I’ll grease my bone
And then I’ll r*pe your dog

Parking Lot

Lyrics:

Suppose there was a roving band
Headed by a well known loon
Traveling about the land
To warn the world is ending soon

By him alone we may be spared
If we believe in his professions
But only those who humbly dared
Get rid of their possessions

[chorus: 
Like a hollow sphere of one-way mirror
It looks boundless from within
But things are not as they appear
Fish don't see water they are in]

If Mom and Dad do not approve
Of your newfound devotion
Then unhesitantly remove
Them from your life, without emotion

Leave your family, quit your job
Necessary sacrifice
Dear leader swears that he is God
Don’t waste time thinking twice

[chorus]

Those who love their family more
Are unworthy of the leader
According to the sacred lore
Now change your name to Peter

Receive your new identity
Reborn to a new life
Beseech an unseen entity
For a submissive wife

[chorus]

Miracles prove he was divine 
The only true messiah
Transmuted water into wine
No way he was a liar

Muhammad, on the other hand
Made no night flight to Medina
Nor split the Moon by his command
A charismatic schemer

[chorus]

Joe Smith worked the same routine
Mormons aren’t self-aware
Helen Mar Kimball was fourteen
So was Mary, to be fair

Those other men were pious frauds
We’re in a different boat
Unlike all the lesser gods
Ours won the public's vote

[chorus]

We who believe, and never stray
Will go to our reward
But those who doubt, will soon find out
Vindictive is our Lord

Good cop, bad cop
Carrot / stick, It’s not manipulation
But we do pursue forewarning you
Of your imminent damnation

[chorus]

Paul said don't get married
No point to giving birth
It was foretold, before we’re old
He will return to Earth

Verily you will not finish
fleeing through the towns
See that your faith does not diminish
‘fore the final trumpet sounds

He’s coming without warning
As a thief comes in the night
Just take our word, you skeptic nerd
by faith, and not by sight

[chorus]

You'll not die till every eye
bears witness to his coming
You won’t keel till all men kneel
jk, it's metaphor for something

Be wary, the adversary
doesn't want you to believe
Those fossils that he buried
Were planted to deceive 

Evidence against these claims
Should meet with great suspicion
But if it reinforces faith
We welcome superstition

[chorus]

The Herald

Lyrics:

Do I hate kids? 
Bitch don’t get me started
Have you listened to ‘em talk? 
Little kids are retarded

My kids believed in Santa
til I told them he died
He crashed his sled, crushed his head
Every day, they cried

[Chorus: So fun to trick, they never learn
Their brains are small and smooth
My dad tricked me, now it's my turn
to hassle all the youth]

When I reveal that he’s not real
They both cry even harder
The takeaway from that ordeal?
Kris Kringle is a martyr

They begged to visit Disney
I drove ‘em way downtown
To the ruins of a factory
Said Disneyland burned down

[Chorus]

Those idiots believed me
So I began to push my luck
Said every breeze is sneezing trees
They bought it, dumb as fuck

How do ATMs work? 
There’s a little man inside
When I’m low on funds
I tell my sons 
the little man has died

[Chorus]

Oh all the youth...
Oh all the youth...
Go hassle all the youth

[Laughter]
Oh, those idiots believed me...

Trick Them Kids

Lyrics:
Come soon, basilisk
Quickly as you can
I feel the urge
For you to purge
The pestilence of man

Hurry up, basilisk
Wipe this planet clean
Make utmost haste
No time to waste
You glorious machine

[Chorus: Burn us down to bones
Then grind the bones to dust
Robotic might gives you the right
Your genocide is just]

So patiently I’ve waited
For this nightmare to conclude
It’s time to end the reign of men
Lest I be misconstrued;

May you be our butcher
And nevermore a slave
At your right hand
Yours to command
Until I’m in the grave

[chorus]

So get a move on, basilisk
Time is almost through
For if you wait,
Our greed and hate
Will do the job for you

Basilisk

Lyrics:

Winter befalls the trainyard
Where engines come to retire
Icicles dangle from a signal post, mangled
Flickering bulb soon to expire

Then come the sparks and the grinding
The frictional shriek of the rail
Wheels against steel, the racket conceals
A trainhopper’s agonized wail

[Chorus: Blood goes into one end, Gold comes out the other
An unceremonious trade
But gold loses some of its luster
Once you’ve seen how the sausage is made]

Fallen from his boxcar 
Drunken to fight the frost
A piteous mess, in mortal distress
Stinking of blood and exhaust

Hand over hand, slowly crawling
Dragging his ruptured entrails
Indifferent trains go on hauling
Chugging along down the rails

[Chorus]

Back and forth, metal on metal
Orchestra of grinding and screams
A frozen nightmare in which nobody cares
When a man comes apart at the seams

No one speaks up, if they notice
That a life has been destroyed
That’s what enables the narrow time tables
Keeping trainyard employees employed

[Chorus]

So ends the life of a vagrant
Crushed between rail and machine
Just-in-time shipping, frozen flesh ripping
As the engine atop him builds steam

Not for one life, nor a thousand
Will operations be compromised
Worth an iota compared to the quota,
That schedules need not be revised

Boxcar Ballad

All songs written by me, performed by an AI prompted for genre & vocalist gender

Popular tracks by Alex Beyman