Polaris is the god of going to the bathroom. In a plane separate from the mortal world, he struggles against his twin sister Natura, the goddess of letting piss and shit fall out whenever and wherever.

Polaris And Natura

I stole a microphone from the local university to do this one up nice.

Polaris And Natura (Remastered)

Teamed up with my old friend Lownote McGravelly to record this ode to ol' Poopus.

Listen to Rude Tales of Magic. It's really good.

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/down-for-the-count

Lyrics:
Bearowls and Owlbears
Are they covered in feathers or hair?
They exist in defiance of god
And their creator is… well, let’s say that he's odd

His name is Poopus
And he’ll give you a fright
His name is Poopus
His left hand’s on the right
He cares for the owlbears
With a heart of gold
He’s 400 years old

Poopus

A bunch of squirrels stole my recording equipment and I had to go on a quest to get it back and make these songs! Anyway...

SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 3 OF RUDE TALES!

Mother may be dead, but she lives on in this song. She also may not be 100% dead. It's not clear.

Lyrics:
She’s the mother of the woods with a warm, blue glow
And she knew things that we didn’t know

What would happen to us if we failed her test?
Was it worth all of this for one night’s rest?

Mother, did you tell us the truth when we asked you the questions weighing on our minds?
Mother, were you bad? Were you good? Did we do what we should? What did you have to hide?

Mother, did you feel pain when we watched you bleed out?
Mother, you killed yourself and you’re a seed now.

Mother

It's a whodunnit! It could have been anyone. The bitter butler? The murderous matriarch? The mysteriously normal stranger? Everyone is a suspect!

Lyrics:
It’s a whodunnit? Could it be Milker or Bunny? Maybe the twins or Pubic; that goblin doesn’t give two shits.

The late, exsanguinated Lindseyngham was widely hated. His butler, Pigsly, can’t even die since master forbade it.

Could it be Sloan, the betrothed of the now deceased? Maybe the new guy? No, he’s the picture of normalcy.

Was it you? Well, it wasn’t me. Could it  be a v-v-vasectomy? Or a vampire? No, it couldn’t be. Maybe there was just a lot of blood in his pee. 

Milker? Pubic? Sloan? The twins? Bunny? Pigsly? Or maybe… could it be?

Vince Lindseyngham has died. Whodunnit? It’s up to us to decide. Whodunnit?

Whodunnit?

I’m back! And I still love Rude Tales of Magic! I don’t know how you would be hearing this if you weren’t also a fan, but you should listen to it. This is a folksy little tune about our friend Kebin.

Lyrics
Baby-faced, goat-legged, centipede freak
Eyes that are bigger than an SUV
Better run for cover from the hell beast
we call Kebin

Kebin is a horror, there can be no doubt
One little touch will turn you inside out
Demons even scream and shout
When they see Kebin

K to the E to the B-I-N
If you ever wanna see your family again
Then you better run like the wind
From Kebin

Kebin

New song number two! I couldn’t stop thinking about how Moira Thousand used to be Moira 999, so I wrote this song from the perspective of the thousandth man she killed. Enjoy!

Lyrics
Moira Thousand, Moira Thousand
Moira Thousand, Moira Thousand

She broke my heart when she broke my spine
Before me she was Moira nine hundred ninety nine
I love you Moira, won’t you be mine?
Before she you was Moira nine hundred ninety nine

The most beautiful woman that I ever did see
Was the owner of an inn in the Soaking Valley
I was just young man on the city guard
She took my life and she took my heart

She had big strong arms, like a bag of snakes
And bright blue eyes full of red hot rage
I was so entranced by the way she fought
I had thought this was my chance to take my shot

So I laid down my sword and shield
I stepped up to Moira and I kneeled
I said, “Marry me, Moira! Let’s have a great big wed–“
Before I could finish… she cut off my head

Moira Thousand, Moira Thousand
Moira Thousand, Moira Thousand

Moira
You’re the love of my life
Even though I’m now a ghost
I still want you to be my wife
Moira
I am begging on my knees
At least metaphorically
Since I don’t have legs now

Moira Thousand, Moira Thousand

You broke my heart when you broke my spine
Before me you were Moira nine hundred ninety nine
I love you Moira, won’t you be mine?
Before me you were Moira nine hundred ninety nine

Alopaden