Started writing this 'album/ep' almost exactly 4 years ago. Many of them were written in sessions with my ex. He mostly contributed with a short melody or some notes - I wrote the rest and recorded them all. 
Always felt like I wanted to get the quality, volume and timing improved, but I don't think that will ever happen anymore. 

I absolutely love these melodies - some of my more creative ones, especially because they don't rely on any lyrics. 

SANGUINE: "Cheerfully optimistic, sometimes to the point of seeming complacent, oblivious, or naive. Especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation."

For years I was sanguine to the bone, yes... 

Enjoy these melancholic and sanguine tunes.

SANGUINE

~i believed when you said i could have both, but now i know
i am about to lose you, were you even mine at all?
it was never easy

i can see you smile from afar, and it breaks my heart
the one thing that could save us would only kill your happiness
and we don't want that

our potential got wasted on a naive promise
i shouldn't have listened, and could've been happy with you~

Last Hope

Never Again [WIP]

very true for most Friday nights during the pandemic. felt lonely, so i'd make my own pity party. didn't know who to turn to. so i went inward, me myself and i. and just feel utterly sad, forgotten, and lonely. a coping mechanism, cause often i would be waiting for attention or affection, but at some point you just stop asking and start.. waiting... wishing..

~there is a way to drown in sadness
it involves catching my tears with a half-empty glass
how to stay afloat? man overboard
i am gasping for air
every sip is drowning me, but who cares...

just another friday night

set the lights to pink, eyeshadow is sparkling, and the tv is playing hand-picked songs
melancholic alcohol liquor-stained sad vibes
that's one way to describe the wreck i am tonight

no, i'm not alone
it's my, myself, and i
and we do what we know best: drown in sadness
keep my head above the water is overflowing
i am gasping for air
one more sip, and i will black-out; who cares...
~

drown in sadness [snippet] vocals

when you're in a constant state of (dis)stress, and your partner isn't the safe haven you hoped they were

~how am i doing? i forgot
it has been surpressed and locked up
because the one who i love, he will not bother
when we have issues, they get smothered

i bury my pain deep underground
scattered everywhere, in the lost and found
the surprise in his eyes when things blow up again
"didn't we handle this already?"
no, you just told me to be happy
and to move on

and if he's that blind, then he'll step on these mines
and trigger me all over again
every blow makes it harder to clean up this mess
but that just won't get into his head
the only way out is through
so disarm, disarm...
the only way out is through,
so disarm, disarm these bombs~

disarm [snippet] vocals

being gaslighted when i am talking about how i feel. when they just aren't willing to listen and create space for your words and emotions. partially because they aren't able to either, but oh they are aware! they just say: this is who i am. so they remain as a rock, no movement or change. stubborn. not willing to grow in their communication skills, cause 'that's not fun'. in the meantime, i am hyper aware what our issues are, and i am trying to communicate them, but i learned the hard way that you can't talk sense into a rock. 

what if people would just put time and attention in their significant other? perhaps then i wouldn't end up screaming in my car, feeling desperate, misunderstood, and yet... still in love. 

~when i speak my mind, are you listening?
or am i a movie you don't enjoy watching?
would you rather skip and turn me off?
how could you call that love

calm down and listen, it won't take long
give it a try, you could even sing-a-long
or would you rather skip and turn me off?
how could you call that love? 

driving me crazy, it went too far
can't get relief, so i scream in my car
should i skip and burn, and turn this off? 
i cannot, i'm in love... 

and i could talk to a wall
the reverb would bounce back more than you ever would
you'd let my throat go sore

looking through the camera, it's you and i
we're a classic drama, next up in the cinemas
baby, pay attention, we are rolling as we speak
it is my turn now, so listen to me~

scream in my car [vocals]

reminiscing those blazing wild eyes that made me crash into love. eyes say it all... also when they are depleted of any light... how i deeply miss the loving looks he used to give me. 

~once the brightest part of my life, now has died
i was blinded by the purest of light, the way it shined
it captivated me in so many ways, i was yours
before anyone else had the chance, i was lost in your eyes

and oh, how they sparkled.. twinkling across the room
it's what got me attracted to you, to you
the way you looked at me, it said more than words ever did
oh the light was so brilliant
it was the brightest i had ever seen

strike a match on my worn-out heart
creating sparks for the both of us
strike a match on my worn-out heart
and warm it up before it stops

cause now it's dark
pitch-black dark~

strike a match [vocals]

when the relationship has put you through so much emotional distress, that it kicks in sabotage coping mechanisms - but in the end, the only way forward is together, and this time, this final final time, we feel strong. we feel fireproof. 
and, it's about wanting to stop resorting to this burnt down graveyard of bridges and such, and to just have healthier ways of dealing with relationships.

~we are two sides of the coin we flip
will we stay or do we call it quits?
let's flip it and watch it drop, and i'll shout out your name
cause my answer will always stay the same

walking on a graveyard of bridges
the embers became my aesthetic
touch me and you'll get burned, and I'll scream out for help 
cause in reality, i want to escape
and in all honesty, just take me away

there have been countless accounts that we both burned this to the ground
but we proved we are fireproof, and that proves more than enough
you see red when you fight, and i'm not nice when i ignite, 
but we proved we are fireproof, and that proves more than enough
we proved we're fireproof, and that proves more than enough for us two~

Proof [vocals]

my emotions are very complex with this song. i am reflecting on living in two places, and my challenges of living in either of them. drama still has its way of chasing me around, without stirring it up myself... and i wrote this after i was confronted with mean social energies and not being able to rely on my closest friends to make me feel safe. where can i turn to? if my first home is hostile and where i cannot escape my enemies, and where the second home is my dream, but i need my heart to be fully convinced to take the leap. 
so i just remain in between. and slowly i'll heal, and i'll know how and where i belong most. 

~it is just another night in Autumn, and it's time
to retreat, they have defeated me, i'm dying on the inside
holding onto a hollow dream, i wish to fill with life
but i'm still in the exile, stuck between my anxieties

of course i can see the gentle souls, tugging at my sleeves
but i have loud enemies, and they conspire openly
i want to go to the other side, it's got three beating hearts
waiting for me to cross
but I'm not ready

(Ooohhhhh aaahh)

it's not so much the wish of death, but wanting to reset
but i'm unsure what i'd get
so i keep living instead
and fantasize of banishing those who wish harm on me
maybe somewhere six feet deep
i could finally rest in peace

i can see two realities, and i've lived out this hybrid of low lands and mountains in my purgatory
a few more things are left to do, before i can move on
making amends with my demons
and pray for salvation~


departure [vocals]

it has been a week.

~through the hazy train window you appear as a ghost
rest in peace, the person i love the most

your lips spell out "i love you so much"
i watch you disappear as my train departs

but you have never left
my mind and heart wish that
we will lock eyes on our next train ride
i will be waiting to return home

didn't just lose you, but the entire city
souvenirs include tissues and self-pity
it hasn't been a week, but you're ghosting me
i'm better off dead, cause i still stare at my phone in case you will call me

cause you have never left
my mind and heart wish that
we meet again and you want more than friends
i will be waiting for us to grow, heal, and rekindle
to return home~

passenger [soft vocals]

it has been 6.5 weeks

~held onto you so much, i made it my mantra
"i'll try until you let go", i would've stayed forever
so cutting off my two hands was the only way
now i'm sick with phantom pain.... 

we had the best talks the first time that we broke up
when someone tells you who they are, believe them and just give up
but no, i begged for more time, knowing the ending
and you called me brave, but in truth, i was pretending 

guess I always knew
you'd be happier alone
cause you told me, and showed me
over and over again...
but i wouldn't listen 

and if i could rewind the amputation 
i would rather stay severed, consequences
but once I heal my hands, i might hold you again
if you swear to listen~

phantom pain [WIP]

upon writing this, it had been 3 weeks

~same fights, same diagnose 
same band-aids with undying hope
we never really stopped the bleeding

check your breath, feel my pulse
we'll always choose for bitter or worse
cause now the symptoms seem a part of life

and you never asked me questions, to map out my emotions
isn't that right? 
and when i would share my pain, you'd say that i only complain
isn't that right? 
no, it's not right. 

and the more that i think of it
in fact, we were making each other sick
healing began when i quit
and i gave you all there was to give
but like you said, love is not the fix
guess we're better off like this
i hope you get better
(cause it wasn't right, no, it's not right)

a fever you can't sweat out is what we used to sing out loud
you would never put your fun at risk
i know you loved me but
your actions didn't show it off
i was not high on your bucket list

on the couch i'm crying
next to me you started napping
isn't that right? 
and though my nose was bleeding
you just tell me to keep breathing
isn't that right? 
no, it's not right. 

and the more that i think of it
in fact, we were making each other sick
healing began when i quit
and i gave you all there was to give
but like you said, love is not the fix
guess we're better off like this

i hope you get better

Better (Off) [wip vocals]

it has been 2 months.

a brutally honest song from me to me, to talk some sense into myself- with memories that only i have. 
see, last week it felt like my healing came to a halt, and dreaming of him didn't help either. needed to remind myself why i am better off, and why this was the only way. and why i probably should never give him another chance, even if he'd ever change and reach out. because could i be with someone who knew what had to be done, but chose to avoid and ignore our issues again and again, hoping it would just improve on its own? someone who couldn't have reflective and healing conversations, but would use these opportunities to look for the shortcut or skip button, angry out of his mind that he wasn't having fun during these important moments? 

there were so many reasons to end it. what could ever become a reason to try again? i'd love to be given one. until then, i'll remember why we're apart, and hope that it quiets the heartache. 

~Two months in, and I miss him so
But Astrid, remember why you had to let go

He said (July 2024):
"You make it hard to be loved, you are to blame
Look at your own behavior, you are fucking insane." 
And my reply was that his words would have consequences, "Don't be mean for the sake of it"
He said "That's fine, cause I'm over it"

These things were said by the man I loved, I know that it's bad
No one should have to wait for affection to make its comeback
5 years is quite the wait, though he warned me he wouldn't change
Remember Astrid, he never wanted you in the first place

He said (February 2020):
"I won't be as happy with you as when I'm alone...
We are in love now, but eventually we will crumble"
He was right, not once or twice... we lost each other many times
The needed change never came, he'll forevermore stay the same 

So before you want him back,
Remember all the things he said
His goals didn't match with yours
That's okay, but just stay away
And remember all the things he'd say
Before you ask him back

Astrid, you are better than that... ~

Before You Want Him Back (Remember) [wip vocals]

it has been 5 weeks of no contact, and almost 3 months since everything changed. february marks the first whole month that i haven't spoken to him since i met him.

more and more i am realizing that i am mourning the city, my future, and envisioned lifestyle, besides mourning him. i mean, i lived just as much in vienna, as i did back here, for 1.5 years. and i wish wish wiiiiiissshed this could've been forever. i love everything about that city. i am so sad. and i have felt super furious with him, because if we could've made things work, if we could've just given each other the attention and energy that we required, maybe we could've made it work. 
being back in NL is weird, cause i've had a vienna focus for 5 whole years. everyone in NL always heard i was about to leave, and everyone in vienna heard i was planning to move there. so having to build a life again in NL is quite the anti-climax and not what i wanted for 2025. i don't know how to root here AND feel better. so yea, i had to write about it.

my sad love letter to vienna...

~My body is here, but I still remember
Can't live in the now, cause this ain't Vienna
My mind jumps back, to what I once had
I am so upset

Cause I'll never be able to return home
I loved everything there in district four
More than I loved you
Just as you did too

And thank you for showing me around
But fuck you for letting me down
Thank you for showing me around
But fuck you, it's all over now

Didn't know better, one foot out the door
Enjoyed the clouds, migrating back and forth
I never loved, a city this much
Even more than us

Cause I left my heart in Vienna

But I'll never be able to return home
Too many memories in district four
Oh how I would love to go back in time...~

District Four [wip vocals]

wrote this to cope with the end of a '5-year migration' as i call it, going back and forth between two cities. it's the soundtrack to my investment and commitment to wanting to spend most of my days with someone who has now become a stranger again. i listen or play this on the piano, and alllll the flights and moments i spent traveling flash before my eyes as a movie.

i look back and see a woman who was tireless, loved with her entire being, and always chose to stay, cause she could materialize hope out of thin air. 

but i also look back and see immense repetitive heartache, insanity, loneliness, deprivation of affection, and false promises. i believe he loved me, but did he like me? i wonder. 

i get asked why i stayed this long - and i tried to leave numerous times. it was on my mind all the time. i was just waiting for a change. i loved everything else about my life and future, except... the person in front of me, i guess... but what if he wakes up one day and decides to invest time and effort in me? i was stand-by in case that would happen. 

but i do see myself giving up almost everything in my life to be with someone who got bored of me 1 month into our relationship and cared most about themselves and their lifestyle. they disregarded me and our issues that needed attention. and now that i am gone, their life, which they'd protect and maintain whatever the cost, stays fully intact: sad proof that it never changed to fit me to begin with. he never needed me. he never wanted me. and the absurd thing is that he told me from day 1. i was just too blind. 

and my life? it's completely changed yet again, and i have to start over, nestling back into where i am from. the migration is over. it still feels like a reflex though, to flap my wings and ascend; but my home is gone.

the saddest 5 years of my life.

Flying (The 5-Year Migration)

i was always the only hopeless romantic... until i found my match. 

now we're making sparks together.

(referring to my other song, Hopeless Romantic: https://soundcloud.com/alteretla/hopeless-romantic-wip)

pyromaniac [vocals]

while falling in love with the biggest anomaly of my life, i found myself triggered by old hurt and patterns a few times - more than i should. being conditioned in feeling or thinking a certain way is hard to unlearn, and quite confronting. especially when i am very self-aware of what is happening. and it made me sad, cause i'd think: ugh, i am still feeling that same old punch, that same stab, and same burning sensation in my chest from this tiny little hiccup. but my body is used to go in immediate overdrive and think in certain ways. i have 0 armor left to take any hits. no buffer. every bump i will feel intensely. and that is why i need to heal - gain back my armor, so i can be the best partner to an amazing person. 

and do note that i won someone over before, and then i lost him right after. i could barely make him smile - it often felt like he loved me, but didn't like me. love and affection felt earned through achievements, participation in their lives only, and showing interest. we were the worst match. 
and in this new seemingly healthy relationship, i sometimes react as if i'm still in the previous one. that is unnecessary and something i need to heal and grow away from. that same old punch... needs to fade away. hurt less. and eventually, not hurt at all anymore. 

~same old punch
through my chest
emotional distress
never truly left

and one small thing
can ruin everything
no armor left
instant distress

i can't make you smile
that's what i do
i win you over
and then i lose you

i keep up appearances
growing thicker skin
requires patience

cause one small thing
can reset everything
no armor left
to love you at my best

i can't make you smile
that's what i do
i win you over
and then i lose you~

same old punch [vocals]

the sound of your voice [wip]

epilogue

bloom

it was never ever easy

all i wanted

together

intro to another album. written in December 2022

~and i'll cry just a little
i have been here before
i'll go insane hoping things will change
when we run in fucking circles

and i'll cry just a little
i am having deja vu
every day and night, so many fights
waking up with tears in my eyes

endlessly you won't talk to me
you move on instantly
practically that's very easy
but i'm still where you left me

how will we ever grow
how could i be fine
when you don't mind?
how will we ever grow
how could i be fine
when you don't mind to take the time?

and maybe then i'd smile a little more
love is all i'm asking for
we could break the cycle easily
communication is key

endlessly you won't talk to me
you move on instantly
practically that's very easy
but i'm still where you left me

how will we ever grow
how could i be fine
when you don't mind?
how will we ever grow
how could i be fine
when you don't mind to take the time?~

Where You Left Me

believe it or not, but a very hopeful and healing song to write. the past few weeks i've been in hibernation - going through some kind of transformation. healing isn't linear, and i've wondered numerous times how to speed it up or how to activitate it. and then, it just happens, in ways i didn't even recognize it. but i think i made a few big steps forward again. forward thinking is the way - all that i intend to do! mourn what is dead, sure, but most importantly: celebrate life and make it how you want it to be. onward i go.

being a certain way for years, and being with a certain person for years, leaves marks - and i am figuring out what are those marks, and what is really me. i sing about who i was before it all, but i do believe we never return to an older version of ourselves, but just keep evolving. but it makes you wonder - how much did this relationship shape me, and what parts do i want to keep?

~forward thinking
almost, getting there
i am aching
to bury what is dead
and that includes phantom parts of me

forward thinking
i can almost see
who i could be
if i could bury 
all my hatches, daggers, swords and axes

who was i before it all
and who could i become
how to move on? 
~

forward thinking [vocal wip]

one lap around the sun.

original instrumental song: https://soundcloud.com/alteretla/phantom-pain-wip

wrote this song 10 months ago, shortly after booking my life-changing flight to asia. 

life really has changed since then. 

the phantom still exists, and this sad feeling ambushes me from time to time (i can still dream up vienna in technicolor). it always comes with a deep frown - what would i have done if i had learned these lessons? about myself? i wish i had known, but at the same time, it was necessary. this break-up led me to experience a nourishing and fun love instead. 

this year made me realize that no one was ever at fault: we were just not right for each other. our resentment had grown like a fungus, staining and suffocating us, and ultimately it was good that we ended it. we had to create to alternate branches to allow ourselves to become our happiest selves. 
but brancing like this, was like cutting off a limb. 

i am getting sick of the word 'healing', but it's my word of 2025. 

no worries: my limb has grown back. stronger than ever.

Phantom Pain [vocals]

Big Emotions, Small Waves [WIP]

Hugs 'n Kisses

~if that's what you want, then i'll let you go
i won't be fooled no more
it's just what i wanted, but you never got it
i stayed in this flow for you
guess it's time for something new

time after time i have felt the same
let's go our separate ways
we are both hurting, will end up with nothing
i know that we'll be ok

and I'll look back to sunny days
when our lives were careless and free
an angel sent from up above
helped me through stuff with his love for me

flash-forward to the day we found out
we blew all we cared about
life will be different if you are not in it
sad thoughts i won't allow
i owe you happiness now

and I'll look back to sunny days
when our lives were careless and free
~

Sunny Days

october 2020 
i can proudly say that i wrote this whole song while either being tipsy or slightly drunk. that's a first!

~*never thought that i would be this hopeless
guess i am not good on my own
never thought that i needed romance
so much, that i am writing this song*

i want the handwritten notes
things that show me that he noticed
what i like, what i love, and what i want

make him pay attention to my sweet brown eyes
and not to mention, everything else inside

you can give me all your love, go ahead and try
take a shot at this hopeless romantic
make me feel fine all the time, nothing is too much
for the overly hopeless romantics

i give affection and space
long nights together and catch-up dates
cause i like when he does what he loves

make him pay attention to the subtle signs
it's an obsession how to keep him mine

do i ask too much?
it's obvious, i love love
~

hopeless romantic

i started sharing my songs in 2016 - i've been writing and composing a lot longer, ever since i got my keyboard in 2004. upgraded my keyboard in 2021

Melancholy of a Girl

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