The intro to what may be my best series yet. I honestly don't know where I stand with certain people, certain groups of people, I just don't know. But these tracks, these poems, will express my thoughts. Yeah, it's pretty dark, sad, and depressing, but it's bringing all that dark stuff into the light. Cheers, SWord.

Lyrics: 
Hey.

Maybe this is a cry for help; 
Or hope. 
Maybe this is a collection of letters; 
Could be ones about suicide. 
Maybe this is my worst nightmare; 
Or yours. 
Maybe, I just need someone. 
I don’t know.

Whoever reads this, I just hope that 
You find peace wherever. 
That you find meaning to life. 
That you find hope in something or someone.

Yeah. 
You know, I tried. 
I really did. 
Just for too many years, 
I tried to be there for people. 
But when no one is willing to be there, 
There’s no will in me left. 
There’s nothing that makes life worth it. 
There’s nothing that makes life seem livable. 
So, I'm sorry.
I’m sorry if you’re crying at the end of this, 
Or if you’re heart sinks or you don’t know what to say or feel. 
Just know that I believe that you can do better than I did. 
That you’re better than I am. 
And I honestly hope that you find 
Peace, love, joy, happiness, company 
In the things and people around you.

To all the people that I can call ‘close friends’: 
Just know that I tried. 
And I failed. 
And life is driving me over the edge. 
I’m already over the edge. 
And there’s no way back up. 
I didn’t even have back-up. 
But that’s okay. 
Everything will be okay in the end. 
But this. 
This. 
This is the end for me.

Hey. 

Hey. [Intro]

This is Part II of the Hey. [SERIES]. 

Lyrics:

Oct. 28, 2018 — 6:42 PM 

Hey. 

I uh... 
I don't know how to say this, 
But, um... 
Can we talk? 
Can I talk to you? 
I'm kinda going through a lot. 
I just need someone. 
I need help. 
Is it selfish to say that I want? 
I want peace. 
I want an outlet. 
I want an escape. 
I want to die. 
Everyday, it hurts to live. 
To wake up and make up.
To eat and drink 
To write and draw 
To train and work 
To speak and think
To move and breathe 
To see others laugh and smile. 
I feel as if I'm hopeless. 
Worthless.
As if I have no purpose. 
Is it just me? 
Because I feel so alone. 
So lost. 
So broken. 
So beaten down. 
So bound down. 
Chained down. 
Maybe it's my pride 
My reliance on strength 
Maybe it's my anxiety 
Or my depression 
Or my suicidal thoughts 
Maybe I thought wrong. 
Maybe everyone else is right.
We always seek to be 
With the right people. 
Sometimes, they're close.
But most, they seem so distant. 
People talk about being saved
Like it's life's meaning.  
But what if its not about that? 
I'd rather save others than 
Be saved myself. 
Maybe it's the reason why 
I feel so worthless. 
So out of place. 
I don't belong here. 
I don't belong with all of you. 
More often than not, 
I want to die. 
I want to kill myself. 
It doesn't matter how it's done. 
I just want to be done with life. 
It feels like I don't matter. 
I don't really exist. 
But I guess that's fine. 
That's okay. 
I don't know if it really is. 
I just want to say that 
I'm sorry. 
I apologize for making you 
Think that you knew me. 
I gave off chill vibes, 
But I was going through hell. 
Heck, I still am. 
And I don't know how to reach out. 
My whole life, I've been 
Alienated from everyone else. 
Ignored by those who I thought 
Would be the closest. 
But it's all good. 
Maybe I'm just bad at 
Being a friend. 
I'm sorry for that. 
Maybe I'm just too full of myself. 
Maybe life isn't worth living. 
Y'know, these past few days, 
I've thought of so many things. 
Most, you'd consider to be 
Depressing or sad. 
And you might be right. 
But I'm done with life. 
Done with family and friends 
Done with quality and quantity 
Done with time and balance 
Because there's nothing 
Worth living for. 
I'm sorry if I've wasted your time. 
Put it on my list of crimes. 
Frame me and shame me. 
I probably deserve it. 
It's funny because my life's a joke.
My words go through one ear and 
Out the other. 
I'm the other. 
In the corner, isolated. 
On the edge of being traded. 
Imagine having friends that 
Checked up on you everyday. 
I try to do that to mine, but 
No one wants to do the same. 
I guess everyone 
Wants to be different. 
Deviating from the rest. 
Just hold me close. 
Let me know what I mean to you. 
Because there may or 
May not be another time. 
Maybe time's our worst enemy. 
You may never see me again. 
And if you do, I won't be alive 
To hear you or see you. 
You see, perception of reality. 
The brutal realization of a fatality.
Battling a mental casualty. 
Physically scarred. 
It's so hard. 
I'm struggling to just be. 
I’m struggling to just exist.

Hey. [Part II]

Fighter 

Lyrics: 
I’m no longer a fighter, 
At least not the one you once knew; 
The world isn't getting brighter; 
Just a little bit darker. 
Friends seem farther, 
Demons just a little bit closer. 
With my thinking, 
There’s never closure; 
I can’t ever find my way. 
For in the dark of night, 
I seek the light o’ day. 
Gone down the wrong road, 
I'm not a prince, just a toad; 
Buried beneath, 
Stuck in Morse code. 
Thought I could go god mode; 
Super strength, all-powerful. 
I thought I was incredible, 
But I'm no Bruce Banner.
I thought I was invincible, 
But I'm no Iron Man. 
More like the Metal Man, 
Meddling in affairs. 
‘Cept life's not fair. 

Already placed in battle, 
Rifle running rattle, 
I’m training like a soldier; 
Thoughts crowding like cattle,
Thought I could hold her;
She's all I can think about. 
Can't get her out of my head. 
Used to feel alive, 
Now, I'm feeling dead. 
This one-sided attraction, 
Self-doubt, large fraction, 
Chemical chain reaction; 
Rejection, it hit like a wall, 
Made me fall; 
Like first king, Saul, 
Can't stand tall. 
Am I a man? 
Can't hold her hand. 
It's like Wendy and Peter Pan, 
Lost in Neverland. 
I feel paralyzed, 
No vice vision;
Fast forward, 
Rewind. 
No direction, 
I'm blind. 
This is my body.
This is my mind. 
Muscle-memory mimicry, 
Chained down, 
I thought that I was free. 
Guard up,  
I thought that I could be me. 

You see, 
I used to be a fighter. 
But I'm tired of fighting. 
I should've enlisted,  
Here, I never existed. 
This story's end, 
Happily never after; 
This decade's end, 
Turning twenty-one; 
My match has ended. 
And I still haven't won. 
Fire's been extinguished. 
Fuel tank's empty. 
No more will in me. 
The pressure's killing me. 
Bout to go off, 
Time's ticking to two; 
These gloves, I'm hanging up, 
I'm finally through. 
Points don't matter, 
The price ain't right. 
I ain't a Mad Hatter, 
I’m down, no flight. 
Insanity isn't my vanity; 
I feel like I've lost my humanity, 
I'm not trying to be a tragedy, 
In all actuality, 
I've reached my capacity; 
Anxiety caused a calamity, 
And, now, this is my reality. 

A fighter no more, 
I lost the war. 
Yeah, I ain't Thor; 
I may have lost my roar, 
But my legacy leaves a lore. 
Unworthy of the hammer, 
I feel like I'm in the slammer. 
Outcast like the Martian from Mars, 
Stone walls and iron bars; 
They say that I should  
Reach for the stars. 
You’ll reach Jupiter in no time, 
Just get on the grind, and climb. 
They say that my writing's good; 
But good was never enough. 
Just gotta act tough, and 
You'll get through the rough stuff.

Decade's End

Fighter

aLIEn

Lyrics: 
Sometimes, you've got to 
Wander till your feet bleed.
Sometimes, you've got to 
Wonder if you're even freed. 

The other day, 
A stranger asked me: 
What does it mean to be human? 
Made up of matter? 
A being with kith and kin? 
Do you have to matter
In order to be? 
To have flesh fused with bone? 
Y'know, it was my dream  
To exist and be known.  

I hoped that my dream 
Would turn into a vision; 
But it vanished. 
My demons, 
They banished me from reality; 
In fact, I realized that 
Demons are my new friends, and 
Friends are my old demons. 

You see, 
They said that 
I was not of dust; 
My mind makes such a fuss. 
My vision's like rust; 
It's devolving, not evolving. 
My body's like lust; 
Love is a must. 
My soul's a bust; 
A desire to be the best, 
Dragging pride across my chest. 

Friends taking me for granted; 
I wanted love and peace; 
Pieces of a hope for 
Something deeper. 
A little bit closer. 
Together. 
You and me, 
We walk past one another. 
You hope to gain a friend, and 
I don't want to be the other. 
But we're more like strangers. 
Our masked identities, 
They create more danger. 
Instinct activated, 
I just want to be  
More noticed than ignored, 
More loved than hated. 
But I'm afraid of 
Being alone. 
Being the unknown. 

But know this -- 
That I feel like I'm an alien. 
Out in the open. 
Closed off. 
I feel like an abomination 
Antisocial integration 
This suffocation
What they say is true 
Almost everyday, 
I'm feeling blue. 
My eyes red, bloodshot; 
Love, I sought
Demons, I fought 
These monsters -- 
They're no longer under my bed, 
They're all now inside of my head. 

You see, 
I don't feel like I'm living
My heart wants to stop beating
So, I've stopped believing in 
This thing that you call hope; 
I don't have any left 
This is the end of my rope. 
Between life and death, 
Heaven and hell, 
I couldn't find myself. 
So, please, just let go of me. 
Cause I'm still wondering: 
Do you have to exist 
In order to be?

aLIEn

Gut Feeling 

Lyrics: 
You want me to be upfront? 
You want me to be open? 
Okay, yeah... 
Here's me being honest:  

You say that I'm blessed. 
But I can barely rest. 
Barely function. 
My ego and my pride scream 
That I need to be the best. 
Pain bleeding at the seams, 
Weakness leaving the body; 
Strength waivers like a beam, 
Energy popping off like steam. 

You see,
They say that I should reach out,
That I should seek help. 
So, help me. 
Because I'm alive. 
My body feels like it's dying. 
My mind's overworking, 
Ominous overanalyzing,  
Complex, abstract overthinking; 
It's such a struggle to thrive. 
Now, it's only instinct to survive. 

Fight or flight, 
Might or moral,  
Darkness or light, 
Night or day; 
It's a constant battle 
Inside of my mind. 
But don't mind me. 
Don't mind my issues. 
Yeah, my life story may even 
Make you grab a tissue. 
But don't let that define me. 
And don’t ask me if I’m fine, 
Cause, no, I’m not good. 
But I'll still tell you that I am. 
I am who I am, and 
It is what it is. 
But I don't know who I am anymore. 

They say that 
Life is short --  
That I don't have long; 
They say that I'm not alone; 
But they're wrong. 
I'm not lonely, 
Just feeling like 
I don't really belong. 
You know, 
I hang with these people; 
They sing songs of praise, 
Under this steeple.  
Socializing feels like a daze,   
And not to sound corny, 
But it all looks like a maze. 
Yet I don't know where I'm headed. 
Heaven or hell, 
Hell or high-water; 
Does it get better? 
Or just hotter? 
Cause I can’t handle this heat. 
Gotta take a seat; 
This God that you talk about, 
I gotta meet; 
I think he sounds neat. 
Interesting, not tidy. 
Heck, he sounds pretty mighty. 
I wonder though, 
Is he a lefty or a righty? 

Most days, I want to die.
No matter how hard I try, 
I feel like I’m on a decline. 
For when I climb, 
It’s like seconds passing by -- 
A race against time. 
But it doesn’t matter  
Cause they say that it flies. 
No space to compromise; 
While I hear my demons’ lies, 
Does time hear my cries? 

You see, 
I react to your reactions. 
It's like I don't have any options. 
My mind fills up 
Like water in the oceans. 
No freedom for emotions. 
These preconceived notions, 
They stand in the way. 
For when I go through the motions, 
I check to see who’s running away,
And who’s willing to stick around. 
Some days, 
I hope to land on the ground. 
Feet firmly placed,
Heartbeat paced, 
Body braced -- 
For impact. 
This is my breaking point; 
Breaking barriers, 
Breaking bones. 
Waiting for a breakthrough. 
This tunnel vision; 
I can't see well, 
Clearly, I ain't a visionary. 
I know what's my primary; 
My fists and my feet, 
But I'm stuck in this mode: 
Ctrl-Alt-Delete. 
Two times ten,  
Journals and pen; 
Secondary holstered, 
I keep writing the same words. 

You know, 
I have this gut feeling 
That I shouldn't be here. 
People feel more far than near, 
I have this fear 
That I'm going to lose. 
Everyone. 
Everything. 
My mind's like a bomb 
Waiting for a defuse. 
Triggered by the past abuse,
These bruises are my new tattoos. 
In fact, they're my muse. 
Maybe you should take a few steps, 
A kilometre in my shoes. 

They say that 
Life's not a race. 
But I'm strapped in, 
Trapped in, 
These grey stone walls, 
These bars of steel, 
And flickering lights. 
They tell me 
That I'm bent and bright, 
That I'm brave and bold. 
But truth be told, 
I'm living in silence; 
Living in darkness. 
It feels like I'm jumping off 
But without a harness. 

I feel like a ghost, 
A John Doe. 
A wildcard. 
An outsider. 
I don't know. 
This feeling inside, 
It's like my mind's fried, 
My body's tied up. 
I'm always exhausted. 
I feel like I'm falling. 
Falling too soon. 
Calling from the moon. 
No one can hear me. 
No one can see me. 
I don't exist. 
I cannot be.

Gut Feeling

During my hiatus, the one thing that I wanted to do the most was run away and disappear. I physically and mentally couldn't handle my own anxiety, depression, and overthinking. In "Gone Forever", I touch upon the reliance that I had on friends, social media, and pride -- all things that I later realized are the things that screwed me over the most when I put them first. Hope you can relate on some level. Cheers!

LYRICS: 
These thoughts of flying,
I'm thinking of running. 
I'm thinking of disappearing.  
I'm dying. 
I'm burning down; 
I'm collapsing. 
This feeling of falling, 
I can't hold onto life's love, or 
My faith in the One above. 
Honestly, I’m not gonna be surprised 
If I end up in everlasting flames; 
I'm not even the same 
That I used to be. 
I’m covered in chains, 
Not even close to free. 
Still bound to my mind; 
I can't find 
My old self. 
You act like you listen, 
Like you know me; 
But you’re just spitting heresy, 
That's some blasphemy. 
I ain't calling you a liar. 
Just saying that you aren't 
Filled with the same fire 
That you used to have. 
Now, we're like strangers, 
More than before we met. 
It's like I'm always in your debt. 
I always have your back, 
Friends or not, bet; 
You may not think it,  
But we don't deserve grace; 
Especially me. 
Pride is my home base. 
I see life as a race: 
Ready, set, run. 
Heck, I haven't had fun 
Since 1998. 
From the start, 
God sealed my fate. 
I was born late, and 
Told that I was a mistake. 
I always say that I’m great, 
But never mean it. 
Now, I just fake it 
Till I make it 
To the end. 
Not many friends left, 
No idea if I'm going the right way. 
Just gonna be running, no rest, 
Putting in work, I'm here to play. 
Aiming to be the best, 
Can't afford to be last; 
Gotta be strong or fast, 
Gotta be second to none. 
Go big or go home; 
That's my motto. 
That's my code. 
I'm in this beast mode; 
Extreme power, 
Shower of glory, 
Tower of praise, 
I’m on fire, 
I’m ablaze. 
You see, 
Society's built on approval; 
Truthful honesty removal. 
Safety, sanity, security, 
Promised privacy, 
Lost all of those once online. 
Showing off the dine, 
Snapping the wine, 
Gone is the Vine. 
Adobe on the Gram, 
To love is to follow; 
This mask ain't got a soul; 
It's just hollow. 
Facebook ain't better; 
Like to be an antisocial network, 
Look, I ain't bitter;  
Except on Twitter; 
As for the Snap, 
I seek to avoid it.  
Media’s like Thanos, 
I feel like I'm Ronin; 
I'm off the grid. 
I'm running. 
I'm breaking ties 
With some good people; 
What happened to the good times? 
Wednesday, I'm just fine. 
Friday, I won't find. 
Sunday, I can't fight. 
Fake friends leave me; 
Alone, no one believes in me. 
Intuitive instinct, 
Don't take me to the precinct; 
I might just end up extinct. 
Forever gone. 
Gone forever.

Rewind Redux

Gone Forever

About a month ago, I told everyone that I was finished with SWord, specifically releasing spoken word poems because I felt that there just wasn't enough support for it. But part of me doubted that this would last long, so I told myself that it was a hiatus. I lost my motivation for creativity and pretty much everything in life, whether it be exercise or eating. I was in a low, dark time of my life. And to make matters worse, I felt that my friends simply didn't care because they didn't reach out. So, I turned to isolation, cutting myself, and physical self-abuse; fortunately, it was music that kept me sane and alive. Anyways, "Ready or Not" is a poem about making a return. My comeback, if you will. I'm back, and so is my creativity. Hope 2019 has been blessed for you. Cheers to the rest of the year!

LYRICS: 
No one's ever ready for the comeback. 
That frequency rewind feedback. 
Still grinding with my wolf pack. 
Like white stars in the dark night, 
Fearless and unafraid, 
We take that far flight, 
Aim for that mad fight; 
Yet everything still feels wrong, 
Nothing really feels right. 
I don't really belong, 
I never fit in. 
I'm not a sit in, 
I'm a fire starter. 
Gotta aim to rise higher, 
And fight harder. 
Behind this fury, 
I'm fuelled by my shadows. 
Thought that I could be calmed
By the warm, gold meadows, 
But I felt a cold rush rising. 
Like vast open oceans, 
I keep my emotions
Deep within;
Deep down under. 
Metaphysical blunders. 
I'm going mental; 
Overthinking... 
I feel like I'm falling. 
This feeling, 
I feel like I'm sinking. 
No control of these thoughts; 
I thought that I was strong. 
But I've been dead for so long. 
Alive isn't the same as living. 
I wish I could move on, 
But I can't. 
My past is unforgiving. 
Some say that I need to pray more; 
But they see peace, not war. 
Into pieces, I've been broken. 
How I feel is usually unspoken. 
Honestly, I ain't tough, 
Just going through a rough time. 
This steep climb. 
Mountains may not be endless, 
But I feel so worthless, 
Like I ain't got any value; 
I used to think it was me and you, 
I don't wanna be a bother; 
Thought I could be your brother,  
But family means little. 
Just don't belittle me. 
I just need a hiatus, 
With me, myself, and I. 
Just don't hate us.
I might disappear; 
I might kill myself. 
But don't worry, 
I have no fear of death. 
Take deep breaths. 
Voluntary apnea. 
Look it up. 
I'm having insomnia. 
I'm more lost than ever. 
Imagine being alone forever. 
That's how I feel. 
I'm going through crap; 
It makes hell seem real. 
Some say that I should pray more, 
But I can't kneel. 
These knees weak 
From cuts and scars, 
Never hitting peaks; 
I punch walls, and 
Slit my wrists, 
Where blood speaks. 
It seems like I've lost my voice; 
Might as well keep my mouth shut. 
Tongue stuck in my gut, 
Instinct says to punch and kick. 
I wish people would respond 
As if I was sick, 
But it looks like 
No one's willing to stick around. 
This weight's getting heavy; 
My back feels like it's breaking. 
Each week, I'm faking. 
This mind, it's isles afar; 
This face, it smiles; 
The truth is that I'm miles away. 
Roads of rocks and roses,  
Pricked by thorns of perfection. 
Picked up by isolation, 
I'm prone to negativity. 
No idea what's reality. 
I've lost control of my creativity. 
These avenues of withdrawal, 
I can't handle it all. 
I'm on my own. 
Lone wolf mentality; 
I hunt and kill alone, 
Ain't got a pack. 
No one'll cut me some slack. 
Don't know if I'll get back on track.
No one's ever ready for the comeback.

Ready Or Not

THIS MORNING,

I woke up,
Feeling kinda blue and grey;
I wanna stay, but I wanna leave;
I think I believe in myself,
Or so it seems.
Self-esteem so low,
I wish I had more confidence;
But that's only in my dreams.
If only it wasn't me on my team,
I'd save up my wealth,
I'd keep up my mental health.
But my demons, they got stealth;
They be like ninjas in 1600.
Don't kid me,
I can't get rid of them.
It's like the devil's sitting with em.
Angels have fallen,
My body is collapsing;
My mind is broken,
And I'm just tryna
Keep my emotions hidden.
I hide in my mask,
This masquerade is so whack.
I know no one's got my back
Except me.
Oh, I won't bother you;
I'll do it for free, no worry;
Everyone's in a hurry,
I thought my time was worth it.
But no, it won't suffice.
There's a price for sacrifice;
I ain't a lamb, but damn,
I know what it's like to be
Sent to the slaughter.
I'm not like my father's daughter.
I don't study and I ain't smart;
I train hard and I got heart;
But I'm set apart from the rest.
My best ain't ever good enough;
Got stuff Imma never tell,
No one really knows me well.
Not tryna undersell my work;
But I don't like what I write,
It ain't quite good anymore,
And neither am I.
I just wanna dream and fly,
Feel the wind passing,
Feel the rain pouring,
And smell the smell of petrichor.
See, I woke up this morning,
Feeling kinda blue and grey;
But that's okay.
At last that's what I say
When people ask me how I'm doing.
They don't know my thoughts,
And they don't wanna listen.
I guess I just have to take a shot,
And fly with it.

THIS MORNING (uncut)

FLY

Gotta touch the sky,
Soar with the stars,
And reach for the moon;
I hope to make it soon,
I'm tryna be a shooting star.
I wanna shoot my shot.
I try to spit like what I write is lit;
I know I can't sing or rap,
I can't even make beats that slap;
I'm just tryna be someone I'm not.
See, I've got an ego and pride
Like an Uber with a rating at five.

They say that the key is to
Leave a good impression;
But I rarely wear formal
I'm usually dressed up in sweats;
I wish I didn't have to fake normal,
Telling people I'm alright;
I feel dark in a room full of light.

Nothing is ever as it seems;
You see, I don't dream,
But I do wish that I could fly;
Gotta buy time,
And find the right start.
I know it's hard to believe,
But I'll have to die trying.
I spent nights crying,
And days, I was still hating myself;
Hating my poor mental health.
I went through static times:
Checking my rhymes,
And timing life's flow.
Hit a dilemma,
I chose to leave taekwondo.
Heart's sinking,
I think fast and I act slow;
Don't think I'm simply okay,
Nothing I say is just for show;
All my thoughts are on display.
My balance is displacing;
I'm on a chase
For some mere understanding.
I faced my fears,
But I'm still broken.
I'm constantly writing,
But these words are now spoken.
I've kept my mouth shut until now,
I've got my reason.
See, real's a rarity;
Honesty ain't a policy,
Gotta make it a reality.
Fake friends with fake intentions,
Send that back to detention;
Have I got your attention yet?

I look in the mirror,
And I hate the reflection;
I feel my demons creeping,
And now, I'm stressing,
That's the effects of depression.
So much on my mind,
Maybe I need a therapy session.
Lemme ramble and vent:
I dunno where all my friends went,
But I've still got my fists;
Landing punches like Bruce Lee,
It's the darkness against me.
This is no time to flee;
I just have to be stronger;
I just need to have
The fire of a fighter,
The will of a warrior,
And the heart of a human.

Maybe this is just a confession;
But this mind, it's a weapon;
It cuts into my body
Like the blade I used to sever ties.
All I really want is to not sigh;
To rise and to grind,
Nothing less.
You'd best be believing
That this year is my comeback;
I'm finally on track,
And I'm ready to fly again.

FLY (uncut)

SHOT

Broken bones,
Bloodshot eyes, I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Losing sight of my meaning,
I can’t find my purpose;
Something’s amiss.
I’m losing touch with reality;
Scared of losing my identity,
Of who I am.
Who am I?
I am who (?)
You say I am.
Or so it seems.
I’m bursting at the seams
At the cost of my mental health.
Am I losing control of myself?
I’ve been losing consciousness.
Maybe I’m losing confidence;
I’m a loner, so it makes sense.
These past couple of years,
I’ve been yearning for
Anything but a bad blunder.
Wondering who my friends were;
Deterred, I became depressed;
I felt more alone than ever,
More boned than never;
More prone to anxiety attacks.
I lacked accountability;
So, I sought some support
And saw an opportunity
To shoot a shot of possibility.
I took a shot to ask out this girl;
And despite the whirlwind of emotions,
I set up and stepped up,
And she said yes.
Yeah, 
We’re still going steady and slow;
And though many don’t know,
What we’ve got is quite amazing.
But life’s been a maze;
A raze of destruction;
A haze of sadness and frustration,
Self-hate and low self-esteem
Cause no one is ever as they seem.
You see,
Early 2019, I was feeling ill.
Recovering, I had popped pills,
And hit a bit of an overdose.
I wanted to hit comatose,
Have a fake high and a real low.
I chose to show my tough side,
And hide behind a façade;
No matter how sad I was feeling,
I’d bottle up and smile,
With a mind miles away in a utopia.
Y’know, no one’s ever noticed,
My head in the gutters;
I just hang my head
And mutter to myself.
See, I’m sick of suicidal thoughts,
When all my demons call my shots;
I’ve pulled a gun to my noggin,
Not too proud of that moment;
But all this crap is hoggin’
Space in my life.
They say to face my fears,
But I can’t save my tears.
Nobody’s willing to hear my flow.
I can’t know the unknown;
All I’ve got is my phone,
And a list of my rhymes.
Wishing of memories and old times,
I’m stuck in the past;
Gotta last one more power play.
Here’s to hoping that
Tomorrow’s better than today;
I can’t really say that it’s gonna be,
But there’s gotta be a way.
My will’s getting weak, but heavy;
Tryna live right with honesty;
And honestly, real is a rarity.
The ability to say how I feel is
Barely an open opportunity.
So, I guess, here’s to 2020.
I don’t have perfect vision,
But I see the world as it could be.
I’m not a committed Christian,
But God has saved and blessed me.
And I’m not much of a poet,
But writing’s my creativity.
I’m no longer a fighter,
But I still fight demons
Every single day in my head.
Some nights, I wish I were dead;
I just wanna be free.
But there’s people in my life
Who made me realize that
Life ain’t about me.
So, shoutout to them.

SHOT (uncut)

sick (Lyrics)

I arise
I can barely open my eyes;
Getting the motivation to live
It takes multiple tries.
Yet I'm a perfectionist;
Even with friendships
I try to fix em all
Anything but guilt trips.
But I stand before you,
Guilty of my crimes;
The failure to forgive and forget,
I'm racing against time/death;
Recognition is my drug
Approval is my meth.
I ain't addicted,
But that's what they all say.
My airways are restricted;
I'm suffocating.
It's so hard to breathe.
It's so hard to find the right words.
It's like when parents talk about
The bees and the birds.
Except the bees who buzz
They don't buzz for too long.
But that's just my luck.
When things get fickle
My vision's not as sharp as a sickle.
I get sick.
Well here I am; I'm sick.
I'm sick of going to a haven
Where I'm not supported.
Some days, I wish I was aborted.
Y'know they talk about salvation
But their atmosphere, it has no elevation
I'm sick of all this religious exasperation
They talk about heaven like it's on earth, 
But it's not.
Nothing's the same.
I'm surrounded by flames
My struggles feel like torture
My mind binds itself with chains
Anxiety and depression like water
Cause when it rains, it pours.
So I ask
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'd say that I'm a hard Christian,
But I'm a casual skeptic.
A vision for the world;
I've got glasses, full optics.
I ain't blind yet
But I can't find the right path.
Tryna find love
But rejection meets me above.
When push comes to shove
Social isolation's a crapshoot.
Conformity's the root
Of my sickness;
Pride as the priority
To my stubborn thickness,
My thick skin.
But don't skin me alive;
I'm already dead
I'm a misfit
Stuck in this crowd
I still don't fit.
Just wanted to make them proud,
But I found out that
I'm just a disappointment.
I'm going freaking mental,
I'm a freak.
Gotta seek some saving,
Somebody save me
Don't slay/play me
Cause in this game of life,
I'm a fighter.
I spit flames, I'm a fire starter
Mercy? I don't barter.
It's all become harder
I ain't soft with my emotions
But my heart's heavy.
And honestly
I'm done with opening up my heart/my mind;
And I find that 
These fake friendly faces,
They have no place
In my marathon run
Maybe I just want to be
Close to someone.
Open some closed doors;
But they shut my voice down.
I wanted to make them happy,
But they make me the villain;
I'm just another Prince Vegeta
I ain't Krillin
But life's really killin’ me.
See, I don't take it at face value.
But let's face it, I'm a loner.
Not a stoner,
But I get high.
I don't dream,
But I do wish that I could fly.
Blurred back to reality
Withdrawal is my plea;
Pain is my cry
And painkillers are my wings.
Cause even when death sings
Sore stature stings,
And isolation lingers.
So often, I've tried to kill myself
But it seems that I've lost count on my fingers.
So many dark corners,
Yet I still can't find meaning.
Can't find someone to lean on.
I've tried to love others
More than myself.
I just wanna see my friends
Doing better than okay.
But these days,
Why is life so hard?
Early July,
I lost my uncle.
Didn't think I'd cry,
But I broke down bawling.
This past couple of weeks,
I felt so weak
I was basically crawling.
My mind's been stalling
Head full of commotion
I don't like to show my emotions;
Especially when I'm just
Going through the motions,
I'm an empath that
Hides in the darkness;
Some days, I can't focus;
Some nights, I feel hopeless.
My friends? Oh, they don't notice.
And this isn't an exception,
Only an acceptance.
Accept the worst and
Strive to be the best.
You see
I wish I was a better friend;
Cracked structure? Full mend
Sideline support? Full send
My friends?
They say that they'll let me bend,
But I end up broken.
They're too busy
Too bothered to check in.
All these young capbois rising up
Shooting stars,
They spitting bars
But all the fame's
Going to their heads;
Be consistent, they said.
And they were right
But they simply got
Lost in the light

Music: “Happiness Does Not Wait” by Olafur Arnalds

onerous EP

Sick

4 AM (Lyrics)

It’s four in the morning.
I’m holding in my tears. 
All my fears, they fill the room.
All my mind wants to do is roam;
But my mouth, it spews foam.
Those pills that I swallowed,
They numb the pain;
They dumb my brain.
My senses, I cannot find.
I’ve lost my voice;
I’ve lost my mind;
I’ve lost my wits.
This crap, it’s like the slits.
Stress stops short-term as 
Blood flows free from my veins.
You see,
Some tell me to give God the reins;
But I can’t find him anywhere.
Where is this Spirit?
Because my spirit’s dying.
My dreams are still flying.
But my hopes are long gone.
I’ve hung a rope ‘round my neck;
I’m a freaking wreck.
Sinking into oblivion,
And friendships? 
They’re all oblivious.

[Background music by Hans Zimmer, “Afraid of Time” (#9) from Interstellar]

4 AM

Spoken word poet. Struggling in silent letters.




---
All work that I have released and posted are written, edited, and performed by Andrew Choo. Copyright License by Creative Commons (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/).

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