In recent years, the internet has become paradoxical.  This supposed unlimited space is cluttered to the point of being smothering.  I found that I became anxious claustrophobic in this space because I was no longer communicating with people, but instead virtual representations of them on whichever social media platform was used.  No real conversations were being had.  The misleading articles, biased news stories, and misinformation that has been forced down our throats over the course of the past four years have almost radicalized us, desensitized us.  It's as if we've become mere caricatures of ourselves.  In this relentless noise, it seemed impossible for me to feel heard, or to hear others.  It made me think about whether or not I even wanted to speak.  In the end, though, we each have thoughts, emotions, experiences, and wisdom worth expressing.  We each have a story to tell.  And, even if others refuse to listen, choosing to speak is always better than choosing to be silent.  I hope to hear yours too.

Sleepless Thoughts

In many ways, this is the first legitimate song that I wrote.  It seems fitting, as it's where the story begins in the tracklisting.  Although it's a song about childhood memories and nostalgia, it's ultimately a song about innocence.  For me, I struggle to grasp the idea that ideas of youth and innocence aren't things that can be stolen or lost forever.  As I talk about memories, it's almost as if they're frozen in a single period of time, unable to be brought into new contexts, or used for personal growth in the present.  As someone who feared growing up, maturing, and taking on responsibility due to my rough childhood, it makes sense.  But, as I've learned the hard way, life doesn't stop simply because I want it to.  I had to learn to take the different pieces of myself, both the idealized and despised, and try to reconcile them to see who I truly am as a person.  And, though I'm far from loving that person, I'm getting closer every day.  My hope is that those around me are doing the same.

Blue Swings

The past follows all of us, no matter how hard we run from it.  So did mine.  I found myself ruminating over the mistakes I made and the trauma I lived through.  I won't go into details on that, but nightmares were common.  Dissociation kept me from experiencing the present, and bouts of rage were common.  I couldn't keep from being constantly anxious, and thus this song reflects the chaos of that time in my life.  I share this expression with you as a part of my story, and to contrast it to the present.  It took me a long time to crawl out of that pit, but I'm here now, and so are you.  If you are in that place, don't ever feel like you're alone or not worthy of the peace you deserve as a human with intrinsic value.  You're not alone.

Ruminations

This is another song that will be on the full LP when it's finished.  This is dedicated to my wife, Paige.  She is my soulmate and my best friend.  I'm blessed to spend the rest of my life with her.  I've never known anyone more generous, sincere, honest, and dedicated.  She's never given up on me, and so I dedicate myself and my music to her.

For You

To be alive is the greatest gift, but also the greatest hardship.  Living is not simply an act of not dying, but a conscious decision.  To live is to choose to affirm the intrinsic value of oneself, and this choice should be vocalized more than it is.  It is so much easier to give up than to persevere, to falter than to stumble forward, and to lie down than to stand up.  But, the fact that you are all here despite everything is miraculous to me.  I hope it is for you too.  We are alive together.

Today Is The Day

This is a cover I did of Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls for my wife, Paige.  I've played this song before, but it's become special in our relationship.  The day before I proposed to her, I took her to a Goo Goo Dolls concert and they played it.  I'm unbelievably thankful for Paige, and so in love with my best friend.

Iris (Cover)

Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is Paige's and my song.  We've listened to it together numerous times while dating and used it as our first dance on our wedding day.  It's a song that carries so much emotion.  For her birthday, I decided to cover it for her.  Hope you guys love it!

Chasing Cars (Cover)

Isn’t it all so bittersweet and complicated?
All surprised when the rug pulls out from underneath?
I haven’t been sleeping well the past few weeks
My mind presses match to kerosene
Under blue light, I scroll mindlessly
I get sick to the feeling of vulnerability
My emotions haven’t served me well and my intuition traps
And the world grows farther away as I approach the next serotonin lapse

I haven’t left my house much this year
Been trapped inside my own head
I look outside and don’t see much hope
And in the mirror, someone I don’t know
The world has up and gone ballistic
So, I do my work in silence
Keep the fire alight and hold it close
Let no storm shake my inner repose

Can any of us feel known in a proxy?
I harbor so much pain that I feel empty
Gutted and washed out
I can’t think about tomorrow without pushing it out
Who’s to say they have the best intentions?
I’m so far gone I can’t listen
The child battered and scarred still tries to adjust
And hold fast to hope because he must
But though I’m too scared to let you in
I’ve been through hell and I know what it is
So, just know that when I say I care, I mean it

But I’ve got to keep on moving forward
And crawl to walk
To remember the conscious choice to my dying breath
To know I'm not the victim, burn down the complex
And be at peace knowing I'm not the object
Not just passing through, never fading away
I’ll burn to the end of the wick before I cave

Because potential isn’t lost and there’s still time to change
And running from our shadows won't be an eternal chase
And if we're all just some unheard scream
In a blur of feverish apathy
And if there's only one thing I can relay
Never give to the world the one thing it can't take

Andrew George Blaise Schmidl