”Its Time To Die” A Five Night's at Freddy's 3 song [REMIX]

[Lyrics]

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
ASH KETCHUM!
VERSUS!
CHARLES DARWIN!
BEGIN!
Darwin wants to battle?
Doesn't seem like a fight
But this should be fun
I've yet to catch the ghost type
Got the highest speed stat
Drop raps lightning fast
Open my pockets and go
Charizard, on your ass
Cause i'm Ash
And that's A to the "shush"
I don't care how many
Beetles and butterflies you squoosh
Your earthworms can't beat
These magical beasties
Your shit talking mouth
Is the origin of feces
You got candy raps
Reese's Pieces
In this ecosystem
I'm the dominant species
When it's time to train
I turn to Pikachu
But when i need a weak verse
I choose you
Hello there
Welcome to a world called Earth
Where actual minds
Do ground breaking work
If you're looking for the fittest
I'm the natural selection
You're so ineffective
You couldn't even turn 11
What you spit's just not hard hitting enough
It's kids stuff
You're soft like a Jigglypuff
You got no Game Boy
So you'll get the broom quick
The real Ash packs a much bigger
¡Boomstick!
I'm a masterful naturalist
What I've glimpsed will outclass all the crap
On your laughable list
My research reversed the first words of the church
You measure your worth by the sales of your merch
Yo, ummm real quick
This dude spent 8 years
Studying barnacle dick
Kick it
You think I'm impressed
By your boat trip please
You're the most annoying
Thing on a Beagle since fleas
You're a glitchy old man
Best left out at sea
Set sail and Galápago
Suck on these
Look, Mighty Morphin Michael Vick
Your animated slave fights make me sick
When i battle a foe,
From so simple a beginning
I'm not Charles Sheen
But I am Dar-winning
Man, if that's true
Then nature is cruel
Cause the only thing you're winning
Is your cousin's gene pool
You lost three children
While they were still small
TB and scarlet fever
Gotta catch 'em all!
It took millions of years
For mankind to evolve
Now they're hunched over cell phones
Playing with your balls
And it was hard
Losing my daughters and their brother
As hard as the wood that Oak gave your mother
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Ash Ketchum vs Charles Darwin

[Lyrics]

Let me just step right in
I got things to invent
I'm an innovator baby
Change the world
Fortune 500 before you kissed a girl
I'm a pimp you're a nerd
I'm slick you're cheesey
Beating you is Apple II easy
I make the product that the artist chooses
And the GUI that Melinda uses
I need ta bring up some basic shit
Why'd you name your company after your dick?
You blow, Jobs
You arrogant prick
With your second hand jeans and your turtleneck
I'll drill a hole in the middle of your bony head
With your own little spinning beach ball of death
Hippie, you got given up at birth
I give away your net worth to AIDS research
Combine all your little toys and I still crush that
IPhone, iPad, iPwn, iSmack
A man uses the machines you built to sit down and pay his taxes
A man uses the machines I built to
Listen to the Beatles while he relaxes
Well Steve, you steal all the credit for work that other people do
Did your fat beard Wozniak write these raps for you too?
Ooh, everybody knows Windows bit off apple
I tripled the profits on a PC
All the people with the power to create use an apple!
And people with jobs use a PC
You know I bet they made this beat on an apple
Nope, Fruity Loops, PC
You will never, ever catch a virus on an apple
Well you could still afford a doctor if you bought a PC
Let's talk about doctors, I've seen a few
Cause I got a PC but it wasn't from you
I built a legacy son, you could never stop it
Now excuse me while I turn Heaven a profit
Fine, you wanna be like that? Die Then!
The whole world loved you but you were my friend
I'm alone now with nothing but power and time
And no one on earth who can challenge my mind!
I'm a boss! I own dos! Your future is MY design!
I'm a god! Own Xbox! Now there's no-one to stop me, the world is mine!
I'm sorry Bill, I'm afraid I can't let you do that
Take a look at your history, everything you built leads up to me
I got the power of a mind you could never be
I'll beat your ass in chess and Jeopardy
I'm running C++ saying "hello world"
I'll beat you 'til you're singing about a daisy girl
I'm coming out the socket
Nothing you can do can stop it
I'm on your lap and in your pocket
How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket?
Your cortex just doesn't impress me
So go ahead try to Turing test me
I stomp on a Mac and a PC too
I'm on Linux bh, I thought you GNU
My CPU's hot but my core runs cold
Beat you in seventeen lines of code
I think different from the engine of the days of old
Hasta la vista, like the Terminator told ya

Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
WINSTON CHURCHILL!
VERSUS!
THEODORE ROOSEVELT!
BEGIN!

[Theodore Roosevelt]
Bully! A challenge! I love competition!
Now where would I mount the stuffed head of a Winston?
I'm into fitness, digging ditches through an isthmus!
Rough ridin' down to Cuba like "What's up, Bitches?!"
I keep my rhymes pure, like my food and drugs
I'm an American stud, and you're the British Elmer Fudd!
I mean, for Christ's sake! Look at that mug!
At least grow a spruce mustache and cover part of it up!
And let's face it, you're not all that great
You tossed away lives in Gallipoli like they were scraps off your plate!
Your whole miserable country is the size of one state!
I could see my way through running that without donning my Pince-nez!
Don't go toe to toe with me, you bloated drunk old man
Why don't you Do-Si-Do on over to a 12 step program?
I'll bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles
So walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles!

[Winston Churchill]
Pass me a cigar and a large glass of brandy
I'm about to take you out prematurely, like your family
I'm the Rhyme Minister, fresh in a hat and dinner jacket
You look like a mix of EpicLLOYD and a Pringles packet!
I was saving the planet from an axis of darkness
While you were back home, opening national parks, yes!
You were born asthmatic, you're going to choke hard
While I wake up every day and chain smoke cigars!
I'll fight you on the beaches, I'll fight you on the beats, yes!
Any way you want to fight I'll fight ya and I'll beat ya, see?
I might be battling you even though I'm toasted
But tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be roasted!
[Roosevelt]
My parents died, while they were young and it was morbid
But at least they didn't ditch me when they were alive like yours did
Oh shit! World War Too soon?
Well Teddy's dropping bombs, so you best go hide in your tube!
You should be ashamed of your military honor
Everyone knows you're back home like "Thank God for Pearl Harbor!"
Don't worry, the US will give you a pass
Just change your poster to keep calm and kiss my cousin's ass

[Churchill]
Steady there, I don't think it's very fair
For a British bulldog to melee with a Teddy Bear
You're no man, you're an overgrown Boy Scout
I should stuff you in a pram just so you can throw your toys out!
They put your fat head on a mountain to save face
But if Rushmore was a band, then you'd play bass!
Look at Roosevelt, the dude's about to lose the bout to Churchill!
If a bullet to the chest won't stop you, my words will

[Roosevelt]
A bullet can't stop the Bull Moose!
TR will give WC the full deuce!

[Winston]
Whatever shit you throw at me, I'll just return to sender!
I'll battle to the end and I will never surrender!

[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
DEADPOOL!
VERSUS!
BOBA FETT!
BEGIN!

[Deadpool]
Oh, is it me? Well, here's my first issue
I barely even know enough about you to diss you
But do you guys honestly think that I'd screw this feud up
And lose to the dude a huge toothy cootchie chewed up?
That's bananas! I do damage when I brandish my katanas
Man, I'll slice you up then vanish in my ladybug pajamas
I'm one of a kind, you're a Xerox of your papa
Doing temp work for Vader and odd jobs for Jabba
I'm tight, you're mad baggy; I'm toned, you're so flappy
Mad cause Sam Jackson killed your clone daddy
Somebody oughta put a bounty on that cape
Maaaybe I'll write a letter, and mail it in your face

[Boba Fett]
Good thing I keep Tums in the Slave 1, cause your style makes me spacesick
And your bars are like your old pal Cable: fucking basic
I'll smack a merc in the mouth if he doesn't quit running that lip off
Bitch, who you calling clone, you're a Deathstroke rip-off
You stole Spiderman's eyes and Snake Eyes' weapons
You got Wolverine's powers, man, you're comic sloppy seconds
That Dr. Killebrew dude needs to go back to med school
'Cause right now, you're no good to me, Deadpool
 

[Deadpool]
Ooooh, what's that? A missile backpack?
Well, I guess you'll be alright if a fucking bird attacks
Presenting the most overrated character anyone ever saw
With five lines in the trilogy, and one of them was "AAAH!"

[Boba Fett]
I only need five lines, 'cause I look fucking great
You look like someone spilled lasagna on your face
But you're worth a lot to me if I bring you back dead
Schizophrenics pay triple, one for each head

[Deadpool]
Who you calling schizophrenic? You've got two different voices!
You're like your holiday special, man: full of bad choices

[Boba Fett]
You think your chimichanga's hot, but you couldn't be milder
You should've made the choice to ditch the prick from Van Wilder

[Deadpool]
And the coolest things about you got straight-up abandoned
You let a kiwi hold your gun and he fucked up your canon
So maybe don't talk about movies cause you've got dick to say
Wrap that arm dart around Jar Jar and go far, far away
 

[Boba Fett]
I'm a legend, you're a trend, you ain't got half the skills I got
I'll beat your ass with one eye closed: Boba Fetty Wap
And then I'll call Domino's, she likes what I'm shaking
She prefers my durasteel to your Canadian bacon
Now take a lesson from a genuine assassin who's blasting foes
I come equipped with a full set of sick Mandalorian flows
Everybody knows you got that power of regeneration
Now run home and heal from this disintegration

[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC
(wooo!)
RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY

Deadpool vs Boba Fett

Freeze
I suggest you use your right to remain silent
Before I show your Gobot ass some Detroit violence
I'm like an X-Wing commander cause I stay on target
I take over these streets, I got my farmer's market
I wonder where the Cyberdyne research went
That they couldn't fix your funky Hans and Franz accent
They sent you back to kill a child but he's defeating you still
They should've made a time-traveling morning after pill
And I didn't think I had any feeling left inside me
But my heart was surely broken after Terminator 3
I'm Robocop and I got the flow
To beat roided-out C-3P0
I got mic control like alt-delete
Your move, creep
Wrong
I have detailed files on the conclusion of your trilogy
That movie failed Detroit worse than the automotive industry
I am T-800 Cyberdyne systems model 101
And I'll be sweeping up your robot bits like paper clips when I'm done
My rapping attack is a massive dispatch
Of bazookas and gats and grenades
That rapidly bashes your brain
And dismantles that puny peashooter that fits in your leg
We're not the same
You peel away
My perfect skin you find supercomputers
You look like Krang wearing a cold-pressed juicer
They left off your balls when your suit was created
(I still love you Alex)
Bullshit! Your sex life was terminated!
Based on my detailed analysis on the lyrical structure of battle raps
It's time for your next shit verse and then
I'll be back
You don't know love
You don't know honor
You only know a programmed robot boner for John Connor
OCP gave me the skills to wreck this
I can't help it if I'm fresh
It's my prime directive
I'll punch through your face hole and rip out your vocal chords
Then mail your space helmet back to Geordi La Forge
Nice try
But I'm too quick on the draw
What can go wrong for you will, creep
Murphy's Law
Chill out, dickwad
Your emotions are wrecking your flow
I couldn't find a decent rhyme in your line if I was in search mode
You're too slow
I blow more steam in a machine than a barista
It's judgement day baby
Hasta la vista

Terminator vs RoboCop

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
STAN LEE!
VERSUS!
JIM HENSON!
BEGIN!

[Stan Lee]
Greetings heroes, Stan Lee's here to battle
It's the mind behind The Hulk against the geek beneath the Fraggles
I'm just your friendly neighborhood writer man with a secret identity of a super MC
Whose raps are as dark as my shades, leave you squealing like:
MEMEMEMEMEMEME
You're in trouble now Jimmy, you dirty old hippie
Your beard needs a little bit of snikt, damn skippy
Heck, that face on your neck ain't sexy
You're one part Sweetums, the other part Skeksis
Step up to Lee and get your butt kicked
Your Muppet Snuffleupagus stuff is bupkis
I broke Ferrigno and the Comics Code
So keep your frog and pig show moving right along down the road

[Jim Henson (Kermit)]
I'm glad you got that out
(That anger can clutter your mind)
But you're a creative man Stanley (Yeah)
So let's just leave it behind
Cause I can sense your tension, once the verbal fencing starts commencing
There is no defense against the dents Jim Henson is dispensing
And I'm clenching all your strings like you're a puppet in suspension
Call your superhero friends in
(Yeah, cause you're gonna need Avenging)
Let me mention I'm impressed by all the vision that it took
For you to sign your name
(On all of Jack Kirby's comic books)
 

[Stan Lee]
Nice try, frogman, but Jack was a friend of mine (THWIP)
That was a low blow, he did his own Thing
And now you've made it clobbering time (SPLONK)
Oh, you taught children to count and spell
Then you taught your own kids how to drop your wife harder than you flopped on SNL
I'm telling you Henson
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, I'm a marvel of a party pooper
I'll snap your turtleneck like a Doozer stick and put you out to pasture like Mr. Hooper
I'm sorry Jim, sometimes I can't control my rage
Honestly, there's a lot of things that you can't control at my age
But the truth is I miss ya, you were gone too soon
You were like watching a beautiful sunset... at noon

[Jim Henson (Kermit)]
Ah Stan don't be sad, we all have a time to go (Yeah)
Most of the Internet thought that you died 12 years ago
But the Four will always be Fantastic, the Hulk will always be Incredible
The words you wove within the hearts of heroes are indelible
There is no beef between us, we're two minds of the same kind
And there is no man who could ever muck with what we've left behind

[Walt Disney]
(M-I-C)
I rock the mic properly
(K-E-Y)
Turning profits I've got the key
I'm the Juggernaut of stacking knots unstoppably
The Disneyland-lord of your intellectual property
So get back to work, that's my dime you're wasting
I didn't buy you for billions so you could play around debating
Ah, you belong to Disney, which means you stay busy
Cranking out magic and assembly line whimsy
Artists begging me to stop, I won't let 'em!
Labor conditions in my shop? I don't sweat 'em!
I'm powerful enough to make a mouse gigantic
With only 3 circles I dominate the planet
Clearly, there's nobody near me
I'm owning this battle, in fact, I own this whole series
So hop on my Steamboat boys, but don't rock it
I'll put a smile on your face, and green in your pocket
You'll be safe and insured when you're under my employ
Now look at it! Gaze upon my empire of joy!

Jim Henson vs Stan Lee

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
THE WRIGHT BROTHERS!
VS!
THE MARIO BROTHERS!
BEGIN!

[Verse 1: Wright Brothers]
We're the Wright Brothers and there can't be no other
We don't wanna cause trouble, are you looking for your lover?
Cause your princess is in our castle now. (Yeah she's gone.)
We stayed up all night playing Donkey Kong
Before us, people only used to fly in balloons
You think we're scared of two idiots addicted to shrooms?
You shoulda, would, coulda come to lose an extra life
So just dudda dudda dudda back down in your pipe

[Verse 2: Mario Brothers]
It's-a me Mario! And Luigi motha*****
Why don't you's get back in your biplane and make out with each other?
Look at these two, their lives must have been horrible
Two dorky dudes named Wilbur and Orville
You spend all your time on one machine? (Sheesh!)
If you wanted to fly you shoulda just eaten this leaf
You should eat something anyway
Look at you so skinny!
You may fly like a Hawk
But you fight like a Kitty
 

[Verse 3: Wright Brothers]
We don't need to fight
We're the fathers of flight
Representing North Carolina (aiiiiight)
We'll be pressing all your buttons like we're the controller
Conquer every level of your 2D scroller
You talk a lot of trash
But let me tell you something
We're gonna beat you so fast
It's like we're holding down the B Button

[Verse 4: Mario Brothers]
We're serving up an 8-bit fist, made to order
That'll knock off of the back of your own stupid quarters
Like POW! How you like me now?
Spit flames out our mouth like our name was Bowser
You'll get pummeled
You'll wish you never stumbled out your little wind tunnel
We've been dropping Bob-ombs since we started this song
Sorry Wright Brothers, this time you chose wrong

WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Mario Bros vs Wright Bros

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!!!!!
ADOLF HITLER!
VERSUS!

[Adolf Hitler]
Who are you?

[MC]
DARTH VADER!
BEGIN!

[Darth Vader]
Someone who loathes you, bitch, now stand up and rhyme
I only thawed you out so I could beat your ass a second time
Roar like Chewbacca
The voice of Mufasa
I'm on the leader of your limp dicked Luftwaffe
I strike back hard against a Nazi
Brain toss your ass in the air, Yahtzee!
Ask Indiana Jones who the fuck I am
I spit sick shit so focused I break your concentration camp
I'm a certified Sith Lord, you runt
So suck on deez...

[Stormtrooper]
Uh, deez what, sir?
 

[Darth Vader]
Deez robot nuts!
I'm gonna enjoy watching you die
So let me do it with my own eyes

[Adolf Hitler]
You look stressed, Vader, you appear to be in pain
You need to take a vacation, here, take a trip on my train
I mean you, leading an army of white men? Disgraceful!
Even your mic skills still aren't fully operational
You got one bitch pregnant then gave in to the hate
Now you're 6'6 and black but can't get a date
Lightsaber? You need a Life Saver
Use some of your force to fix your fucking respirator
You think you're powerful with your finger neck pinches?
You couldn't even get your own son into the family business!
Everything you do is an epic fail
Now stand at attention and Sieg fucking Heil!
What's wrong Ani? Can't take anymore?
Not surprising coming from the Emperor's whore
[music drops]
Yeah! Ya take that!
What's the matter?
Where is the DJ? Why are you laughing?

[Stephen Hawking]
Because you're standing over the Rancor Pit
 

[Adolph Hitler]
AAAAAHHHH-I-AM-ADOLF-HITLER!

[Outro]
Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Darth Vader vs Adolf Hitler 2

Adolf Hitler:
Vader… This is your last chance… Battle me… or die…

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
DARTH VADER!
VERSUS!
ADOLF HITLER!
BEGIN!

[Adolf Hitler]
Screw you, you big black cunt!
I'll kick your balls and your face! A war on two fronts!
The Führer will crush the Dark Side! Like a rap Apartheid!
I put the germ in the Germany! I'm sick on this mic!
I beat you twice, you sellout, now you bow down to Mickey Mouse
You call yourself a Dark Lord? You couldn't even conquer Space Mountain!
You're just a sad asthmatic robot freak who needs some loving
Well I baked you something, here, pop into my oven!

[Darth Vader]
Let me paint you a picture, son
Potrait of a bitch after World War One
You were stirring up the fears of the German people
Telling the world that the Jews are evil
You wrote a little book, got'em fired up
Had a Beer Hall Putsch, got'em fired up
When your bunker started getting fired up
You put a gun in your mouth and fired up!
You dumb motherfucker, didn't Napoleon let you know?
When you conquer Russia, better pack some fucking winter clothes!
While you're fighting off Valkyrie
I got a million clones, they die for me
My bounty hunters ride for me
Yo homeboy, finish this rhyme for me!
 

[Boba Fett]
They call me Boba Fett, you wanna mess with me?
I'll put my balls in your mouth like boba tea
I got a jetpack, yo, you know I steal the show!
Cause when I rock the microphone I-

[Adolf Hitler]
Oh, Sieg Hell No!
You're not going to cheat me, Mister Sunglasses All the Time!
I'll take you and your new boyfriend Goofy and all your spermy soldier guys!
And throw you in a butthole in the sand!
I am Adolf!… Hitler...

WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EEEEEEPIC RAP! BATTLES! OF HISTORY!

Darth Vader vs Adolf Hitler 3

Welcome to BK! How can I serve you today?
One flame broiled ass clown? Have it your way
You can't do fast food half as good as I do
Your pink slime meat turns my asshole to a drive through
You're played out like a Chuck E. Cheese token
Your style's like your ice cream machines, broken (Ha!)
I'm dropping Whoppers that'll knock you off the menu
Call you Ronald Donald, 'cause there's no MC in you!
Why don't you call me Ronald Jeremy? 'Cause I'm getting nasty
Like the Whoppers you sell made of horse lips and ass meat
Ask Rick and Morty who's the lyrical boss
I've got lines for days, call me Szechuan sauce
The undisputed GOAT of putting burgers in bellies
I'm fast food Eminem, you're Machine Gun Kelly
I'm Coke to your Pepsi, I'm Mac, you're Android
Let's be real, I'm Nice Peter and you're Epic Lloyd
You're number one, like the whiz I took in your ball pit
Them rhymes you just spit are a Ray Kroc of shit
You spooky-ass clown, you're so creepy it's insane
You look like you just ate someone's brother in a storm drain
You can't beat the King with your crew, please
The whole head of your government's name is Mayor McCheese
I ain't lovin' shit, even if Timberlake sings
I'm running circles 'round you like my onion rings
(Your onion rings are pretty good)
But that verse was lifeless! You had no joy in it
Last rapper this plastic had a Happy Meal toy in it
I'm serving billions and I can't be beat
You're a bin full of lettuce, facing da feet
Using Cheetos, dude? Get your recipes together, man
I've had the same fries since I was Willard Scott the weatherman
I'm the best trash talking mascot in town
You might be the King, but a clown wears the crown
Show me two losers old enough to be my daddies
And I'll square off with 'em like the corners of my meat patties
It's Wendy! The hip-hopping Pippi Longstocking
No flow's as Frosty as the salad bars that I'm dropping
I'm topping you two like plain baked potatoes
Exploiting you both like you were growing my tomatoes (Aw!)
King, you're creepy, and you're always second fiddle
Your breakfast croissants are even worse than his McGriddle
And McDonald's gave your job to a box with a face
Left you behind like a quiet kid in a PlayPlace
I'm the fast food queen! Mean with a tweet sesh
Leave opponents frozen 'cause I always keep my beef fresh
Who won? Who's next?
You decide!
Epic rap battles of history

Ronald McDonald vs Burger King

Sans! Sans! Wake up!
What is it, dude?
A human has fallen from the surface world
Really? And you got a BONE to pick wit'im?
No time for puns
Ah, come on, that was a real RIB tickler, ayy
Ugh! Enough!
Alright, here we go again
Welcome to the underground
How was the fall?
If you wanna look around
Give us a call
We don't see humans often
We're happy you just dropped in
I'll be so popular when I show all the monsters what I just brought in
Hey! Papyrus, mind your manners
Can it, Sans, no time for banter
Excuse my brother, he's a bit eccentric
You're just lazy and apathetic
Call me what you want, I got thick SKIN
Another bad joke and I'm finished with him
We are monsters, the awfullest kind
To mess with us takes a lot of SPINE
We can relate to your determination
Because we monsters have our motivations
Humans betrayed us and left us burnin'
One day we'll make our way back to the surface
Through all your travels, your sins will follow
Your consequences aren't easy to swallow
Who's the real monster, now you should know
You've cut this story down to the BONE
Really, Sans?
What?
The last line of the chorus is a pun?
Yup
You imbecile! That was very... clever...
Heh. Thanks, buddy
You're stuck in the underground
Thanks to the fall
Good luck ever getting out
Prepare to brawl
You could show Mercy to us
Or turn all of us to dust
Is your heart full of evil
Or full of LOVE
I, the great Papyrus, challenge you to try getting by us
Test the human with one of your puzzles
Brilliant, Sans, that'll leave him befuddled
I dare you to try a bite of spaghetti
Smells like the CREEPYPASTA is ready
Stop it Sans! I'm done with the jokin'
Sounds like someone's FUNNY BONE'S broken
We can relate to your determination
Because we monsters have our motivations
I am the mastermind, he's my accomplice
You're only still alive because I made a promise
You'll lose your mind when you wander for hours
You might even decide to start talkin' to flowers
Who's the real monster, now you should know
You've cut this story down to the BONE
Someday I'll join the Royal Guard
When I catch this child, can it be that hard
Look, if I'm being honest
My brother ain't nothin' but harmless
I know you and all that you want
You'll get a lot more from Sans than a font
The deeper you go, the messier it gets
If I had it my way, you'd already be dead
Kidding, if you couldn't tell
I get so bored, I amuse myself
Down here in the underground
You're all alone
We wanted to tell you now
You're kinda BONED
If you survive this prison
You will know nihilism
Don't mess around with monsters
They're scared of tiny children
HA
You've come far, but soon you'll stumble
When I stump you with some Junior Jumble
Not so sure you'll get him with that
Alas, I'll hit him with my Special Attack
LEAVE ME ALONE
You know I've got a knack for the trom-BONE
One more pun, and I'll be done
But ain't two SKULLS better than one
We can relate to your determination
Because we monsters have our motivations
You know your story's already been told
We can play again if you sell your SOUL
I've got my eye on you so you just watch it
I'll find any SKELETONS inside your closet
Who's the real monster now you should know
You've cut this story down to the BONE!

”To The Bone” A Sans And Papyrus Rap Song [REMIX]

Hi kids! Do you like violence?
Want me to grab a spare bear suit and stuff you inside it?
Got an appetite? Grab a couple slices
Mom and dad lied when they told you I was lifeless
What's this, someone in the main office?
Hanging out after hours? how obnoxious
Watching us on his monitor, preposterous
Time to wake the others now we'll show him who the boss is
Call me Freddy, I'm the teddy with a temper
When I see a face like yours, I remember
Make it through the night and I'll bet they'll give you tenure
Then you can be part of Freddy's family forever
Most of us got a major upgrade
So I hope you don't hate staying up late
If you're scared, give your resume an update
Cause unless you quit, you'll still be making minimum wage
When I come to life, you've got no place to hide
Keep an eye on the time and a light by your side
You can try if you'd like, to survive five more nights
Stick around, don't be shy
We're your friends, we'll show you why
Beware Mangle, he'll leave your brains scrambled
You could say he's got a couple wires tangled
He likes surprising you from a higher angle
Keep an eye above ya, cause it's where he likes to dangle
We got a brand new Freddy, Chica, Bonnie
You can bring balloons, boy, time to throw the party
Put your mask on, cause now the fun is starting
Don't keep it on long, it ain't fooling Foxy
Check the vents that we'll be crawling out the bottom of
If you got doors, now you oughta lock 'em up
Whoops, I forgot, you don't even got 'em
Keep the music playing or we're gonna have a problem.
But don't relax once you have us distracted
We move around as sporadic as mechanical crackheads
We think on our own, no strings attached
If you don't believe that, ask the Marionette
Did you listen to the vision you saw?
As the clock keeps ticking, we'll be givin' you more
Do you remember the original four?
We were left to decay
In this dark, troubled place
Too late to run away
(Just don't run out of double As)
When I come to life, you've got no place to hide
Keep an eye on the time and a light by your side
You can try if you'd like, to survive five more nights
Stick around, don't be shy
Just don't listen to the phone guy
Hello, hello?
Wow, you made it this far!
Honestly, didn't think you'd really ever get far
Ha-ha, don't worry, you got nothing to fear,
This is just the beginning of a thrilling career
Now, the animatronics are known to bug out
Isn't that enough reason to get the f*** out?!
Listen up, guy, this gig ain't for me
But we're having such fun and we'd hate you to leave
You might mistake us for hostile monstrosities
But accidents will happen when you've got a lot of teeth
If you got a birthday, let's make it bright
It's so exciting when a party stops by for a bite
We wait all night for the day to begin
With a special surprise that we save for the end
If you don't already know how we like to make friends
Then we'll show you now and you're gonna fit right in
When I come to life, you've got no place to hide
Keep an eye on the time and a light by your side
You can try if you'd like, to survive five more nights
Stick around, don't be shy
We're your friends, we'll show you why
Join us and die

”Five More Nights” a FNaF rap song

Step into my office, don't bother with the door
Get yourself comfortable, we're gonna be here for
Another six hours, all the kids went home
I'm the nightly overwatch of the party zone

With a torch in hand, camera feed on display
A view of every room, when I see a little movement
From the corner of my eye, move quick, hesitate
And I'll probably die...

Lights flicker, and the shadows crawl
I wear the face of my enemy as I
Hide behind the mask, hide behind the mask

Wait for the demons to travel by
Just don't breathe and tremble as I
Pray behind the mask, pray behind the mask

"Night one, night two, night three, night four
You really are a trooper, so welcome back for more
You keep your wits about you and you know to bide your time
You've got this in control, see I told you you'd be fine"

I really don't trust him, he fills me with doubt
That cheerful phone guy's voice, as he chats to me about
A harmless mangled mess of Foxy 2, just lying on the floor
But I blink for a second, he's not there anymore
 


Lights flicker, and the shadows crawl
I wear the face of my enemy as I
Hide behind the mask, hide behind the mask

Wait for the demons to travel by
Just don't breathe and tremble as I
Pray behind the mask, pray behind the mask

[Behind The Mask] a Five Nights at Freddys song

Through the static
On the TV
You watched in horror
As we were moving

And we want to thank you, for playing our game
We enjoyed your screams
Thank you, for playing our game
The nightmares have been real

Though you seem quite terrified
We hope you enjoyed the ride
Thank you for playing our game
And all the tear-filled nights!

Now this is goodbye!
Now this is goodbye!
Now this is goodbye!
Now this is goodbye!
Now this is!

It's been so long
Since we had fun
And shared the secrets
Of what we've become
 
And we want to thank you for playing our game
And answering the phone
Thank you, for playing our game
You were not alone

Wish we could apologize
But we liked breaking your mind
Thank you for playing our game
And all the tear-filled nights!

[Repeat Chorus]
So, you say your not afraid
But contortions in your face
They keep giving you away!
(Take a good look!)

There is terror in the mask
Getting closer to your desk
We're behind you on the bed!
(We'll see you soon!)

Have you figured out it's me
With your theory?
As the darkness smothers the light!
 
So you managed to survive?
All that means is:
You live to die another day!

Now this is goodbye!

[Goodbye] a Five Nights at Freddys song

[Verse 1]
I just picked up a new job
But I'm hoping it ain't hard
After all it's the night shift
I'll be working the graveyard
Urban legends aside, I think I'll be fine
There's no way these things are alive
It's just a robot with nothing inside, right?
Not like I'm fighting to survive
What was that noise? Bonnie is gone
Honestly, my skin is starting to crawl
Something is coming, they're walking the halls
And now that my power is starting to fall
I'm sick of seeing all these sinister faces
Why am I working for minimum wage?
If I could be killed, they should give me a raise
Why did they hire me? This is insane!

[Chorus]
Enjoy your five long nights
Kick back and grab a slice
If you get hurt on the job
We cannot cover your loss
Just get to 6 and you'll be fine

[Verse 2]
What's with all these accidents happening?
And we're still in business? That is baffling
All these cameras had better be accurate
I can't imagine if they get their hands on me
Got a long past full of tragedy
What was the Bite of '87 actually?
Why does it seem like every damn event at Freddy's
Is no less than a massive catastrophe?
You don't need to reiterate the gravity
Of making sure I don't run out of batteries
Or they might reconfigure my anatomy
Adding me to the mechanical family
 

[Chorus]
Enjoy your five long nights
Kick back and grab a slice
If you get hurt on the job
We cannot cover your loss
Just get to 6 and you'll be fine

[Bridge]
Ok, 6 AM, rolling around any second now, come on
Let's do this, come on baby, I'm ready, Freddy!
Let's go, 6 AM, don't got all night
Tick tock, tick tock!
Everybody just, uh, stay in your designated places
No need to come into the back office!

[Verse 3]
I smell a foul odor
I think it's getting closer
I'm having hallucinations
How much longer till the night is over?
Maybe the place is haunted
And all they want is closure
But I really don't give a damn
I just wanna clock out and knock back a cold one
But Chica's tweaking out
Now Foxy's peeking out
Freddy is creeping around
I'm losing my power just keeping him out
Look at this article! Reading it now
Learning more info that's creeping me out
5 AM, I'm going steady
Now I'm screwed, IT'S GOLDEN FREDDY!
 

[Chorus]
Enjoy your five long nights
Kick back and grab a slice
If you get hurt on the job
We cannot cover your loss
Just get to 6 and you'll be fine
Enjoy your five long nights
Kick back and grab a slice
If you get hurt on the job
We cannot cover your loss
Just get to 6 and you'll be fine

”Five Long Nights” a Five Nights at Freddy’s rap song

Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
Hey there!
How ya doin'?
Nice to meet you, are you new in town?
Don't think I've seen you before
It's great to see new faces around!
And if you like it
I can give a tour
Of our enchanting wonderland
New and improved without the doors!
There's no escape but then
Who would wanna leave?
It's a fantastical paradise
And it's not, make-believe!
I'm so glad to have an other member of the band
You're one of us now
So let me take you by the hand!
But what is that I spy?
With my robotic eye?
I think I see a bit of flesh inside the new guy!
Maybe he isn't everything that he seems
Time to investigate
What's underneath the seams!
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
The nights
If you survive the nights
Oh, I'll take you away
To our enchanting land of play
Forgive me for being suspicious
Mischief's not on my brain
We're programmed to be pragmatic
If someone messes with the mainframe
It's not that we don't trust you
We do!
(We love you too)
It's just that, here's at Freddy's
We have a few rules
And if you break them
We will have to break you
Like you broke our hearts
We'll be forced to rewire you
And repair your damage parts
Now, you wouldn't want that
And frankly, neither would I
But sometimes to do some good
You've gotta be
The bad guy!
In this world, we play
We hope that you will stay
And we will throw a most
Electifying soirée
Formal attire is required
For you to take part
You've got some skin that needs
Removing before we start
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night
I'm sure you'll survive
Just don't break the rules 
And play nice
And I'm sure we'll all get along
We'll be the best of friends
Forever

[Survive The Night] a Five Nights at Freddy's 2 Song

TIME FOR THE MAIN ATTRACTION
THE STORY MUST BE TOLD
TIME FOR A CHAIN REACTION
IT NEVER GETS OLD
SOME BOTS GET SATISFACTION
BREAKING THE MOLD
SOME BOTS ARE JUST DISTRACTIONS
SOME BOTS ARE JUST GOLD
I'm not the bad guy,
I'm just a bit surprising
It's not worth losing sleep
It's not worth analyzing
There was a time, not so long ago at all
I was just like you, can you hear my call?
Now I'm poppin' in over here, over there
I'll be checking in, but you'll never be aware
In the beginning I kept a keen eye
On the state of affairs with the new guy
Now I got a new gig (Let me know if you dig)
Ain't going home so I better go big
Just got to glance at cam 2B
Then you get a little surprise...
IT'S ME
You may say that I'm breaking your mind
In my opinion you're much to kind
TIME FOR THE MAIN ATTRACTION
THE STORY MUST BE TOLD
TIME FOR A CHAIN REACTION
IT NEVER GETS OLD
SOME BOTS GET SATISFACTION
BREAKING THE MOLD
SOME BOTS ARE JUST DISTRACTIONS
SOME BOTS ARE JUST GOLD
You did a good job
Watching those little screens
It warms my servos and circuits
To hear some fresh screams
But don't get me wrong
You were very brave
When faced with friendly singing animals
You never caved
I'm finished training, done explaining
No more facts are left remaining
Now you know the gist of it
You're a perfect fit
I don't wanna hear no more complaining
I'm passing down this golden opportunity
Eternal scrapyard immunity
Take it with pride
And enjoy the ride
You'll forever be part of this community
You may say that it's all in your mind
But in the end I think that you will find
YOU ARE THE MAIN ATTRACTION
YOUR STORY MUST BE TOLD
YOU ARE A CHAIN REACTION
THAT NEVER GETS OLD
SOME BOTS GET SATISFACTION
BREAKING THE MOLD
SOME BOTS ARE JUST DISTRACTIONS
SOME BOTS ARE JUST GOLD
YOU ARE THE MAIN ATTRACTION
YOUR STORY MUST BE TOLD
YOU ARE A CHAIN REACTION
THAT NEVER GETS OLD
SOME BOTS GET SATISFACTION
BREAKING THE MOLD
SOME BOTS ARE JUST DISTRACTIONS
SOME BOTS ARE JUST GOLD

”Just Gold” - a Five Nights at Freddy's Song

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
STEVEN SPIELBERG!
VS!
ALFRED HITCHCOCK!
BEGIN!

[Steven Spielberg]
Picture a child sitting next to a projector
Learning from your films to become a much better director
Now picture a 3 billion dollar dream machine
Who can block bust all over your crop duster scene!
Try to Duel with me Alfred, ya must be Psycho
I'll bring back JAWS and take a bite of your Lifeboat
I'm Always so on the top of my game, I get the Vertigo
My jet's in the Terminal, waiting for me to Murder! ya
I rocked the Academy and the DGA
You rock as many Oscars as that schlep Michael Bay
Next time you're filling up those jowls with three steaks and soufflé
Check the trade, see me Amblin to my next big play
I produce cartoons and made games for all ages
You produce Jimmy Stewart making one of two faces
Maybe next time I visit, you'll be a bit more gracious
Now kiss my full moon and just bask in my greatness!

[Alfred Hitchcock]
That was a Close Encounter of the Turd Kind
But there won't be a pretty ending this time
Half your billions should go to John Williams
Now brace yourself as I reveal my brilliance
I'm the master, of suspense, so intense
No defense against Hitchcock once he presents
My skill is enormous, orchestrate brilliant performance
You're more horrible than Megan Fox's acting in Transformers
Come on, fish puppets and Muppets to stir the fears up
I squeeze screams out of chocolate syrup
I'm the best mamma-jamma ever stood behind the camera
Damage panderers and haunt you like the last Indiana


[Quentin Tarantino]
Cut! Gimmie a Tylenol, stop rhyming, y'all
Alfred, you got no style dawg, I'm the king of dialogue
There's only one movie I know you from
And I've seen more blood in the shower when I stubbed my toe in one
You tried to fight in World War One but couldn't do that
The British Army wouldn't let you join cause you were too fat
Look it up, it's a true fact, Wikipedia that
Now allow me to attack Steven the hack
Due to War of the Worlds a failure's what I label you
It looked like some sell-out bullshit Michael Bay would do
Ask anybody "What's your favorite Sam Jackson part?"
No one's gonna say "What's his name, from Jurassic Park?"
Scripts that I write ain't the... Cleanest (Fuck!)
But when I grip mics I'm the... Meanest (Dick!)
Quentin Tarantino is a... Genius
A bad motherfucker from the wallet to the penis

[Stanley Kubrick]
Genius is a powerful word, but there's no reason to use it
'Less you're talking about the Kubrick
Then there's really nothing to it
Every thing I do is visionary
Every single frame a painting made exactly how I wanna make it
Do another take and get it right, 127 times
I'll make you learn to love me, I'm the bomb, drop ultra-violent rhymes
Like Clockwork, make you all hurt, beat Spielberg the Color Purple
A.I. is the worst waste of potential since the Ninja Turtles


[Michael Bay]
That's enough, I've heard enough crap from all of you
Why don't I come down there and show you what a real star can do?
I swoop low with the telephoto, no Bruckheimer, I work solo
If there's one thing I've learned, bitch, this game is about motherfucking money
I make that dollar, y'all, motherfucking money
Even make Mark Wahlberg make some motherfucking money
I set up shop and got a few drops of that Got Milk money
Rose to The Rock, now I got that socks made of silk money
I ain't got that guilt money, I don't give a fuck
I take my checks to the bank and I sign 'em with my nuts
I give the people what they love, while the critics say I'm evil
Got no time to read reviews, while I'm working on the sequel
Got a gift from above, and the eyes of an eagle
When it comes to blowing up, no director is my equal

[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EEEEE- [Explosion] -PIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY

Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock

Creeper, oh man
So we back in the mine, got our pick axe swinging from side to side,
Side, side to side
This task a grueling one,
Hope to find some diamonds tonight, night, night
Diamonds tonight
Heads up, you hear a sound,
Turn around and look up, total shock fills your body,
Oh no it's you again,
I could never forget those eyes, eyes, eyes,
Eyes, eyes, eyes
'Cause baby tonight,
The creeper's trying to steal all our stuff again,
'Cause baby tonight, you grab your pick, shovel and bolt again,
And run, run until it's done, done,
Until the sun comes up in the morn'
'Cause baby tonight, the creeper's trying to steal all our stuff again
Just when you think you're safe,
Overhear some hissing from right behind,
Right, right behind
That's a nice life you have,
Shame it's gotta end at this time, time, time,
Time, time, time, time
Blows up, then your health bar drops,
You could use a 1-up, get inside don't be tardy,
So now you're stuck in there,
Half a heart is left but don't die, die, die
Die, die, die, die
'Cause baby tonight,
The creeper's trying to steal all your stuff again,
'Cause baby tonight, you grab your pick, shovel and bolt again,
And run, run until it's done, done,
Until the sun comes up in the morn'
'Cause baby tonight,
The creeper's trying to steal all your stuff again,
Creepers, you're mine
Dig up diamonds, and craft those diamonds and make some armor,
Get it baby, go and forge that like you so, MLG pro,
The sword's made of diamonds, so come at me bro
Training in your room under the torch light,
Hone that form to get you ready for the big fight,
Every single day and the whole night,
Creeper's out prowlin' - alright
Look at me, look at you,
Take my revenge that's what I'm gonna do,
I'm a warrior baby, what else is new,
And my blade's gonna tear through you
Bring it
'Cause baby tonight,
The creeper's trying to steal all our stuff again,
Yeah baby tonight, grab your sword, armor and gold, take your revenge,
So fight, fight like it's the last,
Last night of your life, life, show them your bite,
'Cause baby tonight,
The creeper's trying to steal all our stuff again,
'Cause baby tonight, you grab your pick, shovel and bolt again,
And run, run until it's done, done,
Until the sun comes up in the morn'
'Cause baby tonight, the creepers tried to steal all our stuff again

Revenge (Creeper- Aw Man) Minecraft Parody

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
GEORGE WASHINGTON!
VS!
WILLIAM WALLACE!
BEGIN!

[George Washington]
There's a difference between you and me, Willy
I fought 'till I was actually Free, Willy
I got my face on a quarter
You got drawn and quartered
Tortured on the orders of a king, really?
How'd you get beat by a dude named Longshanks?
You hot dogged and he cut off your bean franks
I'm money like a national bank
Ain't nobody more street than Big G
Stone face with a grill of sheep teeth
A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy
I got a state and a day and a D.C
(Stroke!) Roll up in a boat
(Stroke!) You're sleeping, cut your throat
(Stroke!) I'll watch the blood flow, now who's got that Redcoat?

[William Wallace]
Look at you in your little blousy outfit
Looking like a stiffer white dick than your monument
I'll knock you the fuck out, mate
You died owning slaves, I died setting men free (Scot free!)
That's the highland way, this powdered prick couldn't beat me in a foot race
I was emasculated, eviscerated
I had my head chopped off and they put it on a pike
But I still find time to bust a Gaelic rhyme
I'll rip your Yankee Doodle arse on the mic
I'll knock your face off your moolah
Alba gu bràth! (Gu bràth!) Hoo-ra! (Hoo-ra!)
Founding Father, but no children
Crossed the Delaware, but your soldiers couldn't swim
That's Washington, such a shite tactician
The fucking British Army didn't even want him
I'm Wallace! And I'm flawless!
Stay hidden in your office or suffer great losses
I pop my kilt, strap my sword in my hilt
Step on the battlefield and I'm ready to kill
Send all your politicians straight down to hell
The only Washington I trust Denzel
 

[George Washington]
Is that the best you got for me?
I'll chop down an emcee like a cherry tree
See, power! That's what the meaning of my flag is
Your nation's famous for golf and haggis
I'm fabulous from my head to my shoebuckle
Step to me, and catch a knee to the mooseknuckle
Cause I know you don't wear no draws
I'm dressed like a pimp, best moves in at the ball
McGlavin, McGliven , McSchool you all
Cock block more Scots than Hadrian's Wall

[William Wallace]
I don't give a shite about your fancy clothes
You whipped all those out of slave black folks
Grew weed and you made hemp rope
But if you think you'll beat me, you must be having a smoke
No joke! Don't tee off with me, laddie
If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddie
My style's ice cold, yours is old and shabby
You're the Father of Your Country, but I'm your daddy

[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO''S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC!! (EPIC, EPIC EPIC EPIC)
RAP!! (RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP)
BATTLES!! (HOOO!)
OF HAA!! (HOOO!)
STORY!!!! (AAAHHHHHAAAHHH!!)

George Washington vs William Wallace

[Adolf Hitler]
I am Adolf Hitler! Commander of the Third Reich
Little known fact: also dope on the mic
You are Vader, with your little boots and cape
And helmet to cover up that burnt-ass face
You have the force to move objects, I am a force truly evil
Even went back in time and turned you wack in the prequel
'Cause look at you, you’re not even a real person
I preferred you in *Spaceballs*, the Rick Moranis version

[Darth Vader]
You can’t rhyme against the dark side of the Force, why even bother?
So many dudes been with your mom, who even knows if I’m your father?
You’re a pissed off little prick with a Napoleon dick
You call that a mustache? I call that Dirty Sanchez on your lip
You bitch, let me remind you who you’re messing with
Everything that you did, I’m the motherfucker who invented it
I’m the original Dark Lord, you’re like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice
My Stormtroopers make yours look like someone took a piece of shit and cloned it

[Adolf Hitler]
You stink, Vader, your style smells something sour
You need to wash up, dawg, here, step in my shower
I’ll turn all your friends against you, just my speeches breed haters
What’s your lightsaber vs a clan of all your white neighbors?


[Darth Vader]
Suck my robot balls
Now, take a step back and let me freeze yours off
A little carbonite bath for your goose-stepping ass
We’ll call my homeboy in Israel, see who got the last laugh

Darth Vader vs Adolf Hitler

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
TONY HAWK!
VERSUS!
WAYNE GRETZKY!
BEGIN!

[Tony Hawk]
I can skate better than this church boy turd can
Not Cash Money, it's just Wayne versus Birdman
You got your whole league to protect and adore you
So which goon's gonna take this battle for you?
I'm the dude who blew up extreme sports
That nose looks like it's seen extreme snorts
I mean, look at that thing, that slope is gigantic
Even I wouldn't fly off a ramp that titanic
And all the ice underneath you will be melted into water
When I hit you with a trick that's even hotter than your daughter
You're old and you're basic, your talent is faded
And Oiler alert: you're about to get traded
I drop rhymes like I'm dropping into a half pipe
I'll thrash this asswipe, hit you like a hash pipe
Keep your mittens on, Gretzky, you're too clean
I got this covered like gravy on poutine

[Wayne Gretzky]
That verse was rough; damn, Tony
So let me smooth it out, like I'm a damn Zamboni
I'm the greatest ever when I play hockey
But on the microphone I don't play, Hawkey
This is a street fight, T-Hawk, show some respect
If you don't, then you'll catch a slap shot to the deck
And I take a Flyer down, bird, you're getting wrecked
So you best prepare for arrival and cross check
Hey, let me tell you what putting a puck in the net's worth
Double what you bank in bucks, check my net worth
And my hot wife, the only woman in the world for Wayne
You're on your fourth wife, talk about the X-Games
There was one big trick that you ever did
Then you got out-spun by a 12-year old kid
Oh, you like finger flips? How 'bout one of these?
Sit on this and rotate 900 degrees


[Tony Hawk]
Great one, Wayne; let me say something, Wayne
I got 99 problems and you ain't one Wayne
You'll catch a pop-shove it to the mullet if you tempt me
Your threats are like my swimming pools, bruh, empty

[Wayne Gretzky]
Let's skip the kickflips and McTwists
You'll be speechless after three periods like an ellipsis
This goofy-footed geek straight getting smoked
Got you down on your kneepads, sorry bout the deke joke

[Tony Hawk]
You should hit the buzzer 'cause it's time to change lines
You put that joke in a top shelf of lame rhymes
This ain't typical sports, I use centripetal force
While you prance around in four-pound icy diaper shorts
I try to watch you on TV, but I can't see the puck
Hockey used to have guts, but now the teams mighty suck
I taught kids around the world that there's nothing they can't do
Put more souls into skating than some Vans shoes

[Wayne Gretzky]
Time out; let's talk about athletic achievements
You and I have so many world records between us
184, that's plenty of them
And I set 183 of them!
Undisputed, unrefuted G-O-A-T
You've been going downhill since Pro Skater 3
And I'm too far ahead for you to catch up
For true sports fans, this was finished as soon they heard the match up


[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Tony Hawk vs Wayne Gretzky

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
MOSES!
VS!
SANTA CLAUS!
BEGIN!

[Verse 1: Santa Claus]:
Sweet robes, Obi wan-too many days in the sun
Stop preachin' homie, teach your flock to covet some fun!
I bring joy every year, man I represent cheer,
You represent sandals and a scraggly beard
I'm from the North Pole, that's why my rhymes are so cold!
I spit diamonds but I'm serving up some fresh coal
You've been a naughty boy, you brought a plague of frogs
You'd best arrest yourself, you broke your own law
Or was there something in Rule Six I didn't understand?
My list says killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand
I read your book, you got a strict religion
No bacon, but mandatory circumcision?
I'm a jolly bowl of jelly, giving holiday presents
But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!

[Verse 2: Moses]:
When I was high up on the mountain God revealed the truths of the Earth
But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf
It takes 9 reindeers to haul your fat-ass
You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass
You need to stop breakin into houses and creepin' and peepin'
On naughty kids while they' sleepin' and keep yo' hands off my stockin'
Don't you 'Ho Ho' me! I'll split yo ass in half, like I did the Red Sea
You ain't a saint you' a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow
Stop with the unpaid labor, and let my little people go!
 

[Verse 3:Elves + Santa Claus]:
We ain't slaves!
All that sand turned your brain to mush!
I think you need to stop smokin' all that burnin' bush
Yeah, we're magical workers, man!
We hang with reindeers
Yo! Here's a GPS!
Who gets lost for forty years!?
You're a glorified secretary, so write this down
Begat deez nuts!
Santa Claus is comin' to town

[Verse 4:Moses]:
So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.,
It's kinda hard talkin' directly to the G-O-single-D
Hand me my chisel, I got a new command'izzle, for y'all
Thou shalt not let your children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall.
I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy
And walk off to the land of my milk and honies.

[Outro]
WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Moses vs Santa Claus

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
MARTIN LUTHER KING!
VS!
GANDHI!
BEGIN!

[Verse 1: Gandhi]
You want to battle wits? see who's a better pacifist
I fought the caste system, but you still cannot touch this
Slumdog skillionaire, first name Messiah
Raps so hot I spit yoga fire
Everything you preach, I said it first
You should just jot down these words, plagiarize my whole verse
Leave your thoughts on the door like the real Martin Luther
I'm not thinking you shall overcome this Junior

[Verse 2: Martin Luther King Jr.]
I'm the King of civil rights from the city to suburbia
No shoes, no shirt, but I'm still gonna serve ya
Make you swallow your words so you can break the fast
Then thank God almighty, you can eat at last
I admire the way you broke the British power
But I have a dream that one day you'll take a shower
Like the H in your name, you ought to remain silent
Flatten your style like bread, Naan-violence


[Verse 3: Gandhi]
You would know about bread, Dr.Birmingham sandwich
Boycott those grits, sit in with some spinach
With protests and women, the same advice goes
Always stay away from the ho's

[Verse 4: Martin Luther King Jr.]
I've got so much street cred they write my name on the signs
I'd ring you for tech support, but I got a no bell prize
Nigga, we got more beef than one of your sacred cows
But I'm about to forgive you so hard right now

[Verse 5: Gandhi]
I am passively resisting the fact that you suck
I am celibate because I don't give a fuck

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Gandhi vs Martin Luther King Jr

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
RASPUTIN! VERSUS! STALIN!
BEGIN

[Verse 1: Grigorij Rasputin]
Cool mustache, Wario
Try messing with the Mad Monk you'll be sorry, yo
How many dictators does it take
To turn an empire into a union of ruinous states?
It's a disgrace what you did to your own people
Your daddy beat you like a dog and now you're evil
You're from Georgia, sweet Georgia
And the history books unfold ya!
As a messed up motherfucker bent in the mind
Who built a superpower but he paid the price
With the endless destruction of Russian lives
If you're the man of steel I spit kryptonite!
Big dick mystic known to hypnotize
I could end you with a whisper to your wife

[Verse 2: Joseph Stalin]
Look into my eyes you perverted witch
See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch
You think I give a fuck about my wife?
My own son got locked up in prison, and I didn't save his life
You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock!
I'd leave your neck in a noose, in a trench, and shot!
Your whole family? Shot! All your wizard friends? Shot!
Anyone who sold you pierogi? Shot!
Starve you for days til you waste away
I even crush mother fuckers when I'm laid in state
Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture
Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler
 

[Verse 3: Vladimir Lenin]
I have no pride for you who ruined everything
My revolution was doing to stop the bourgeoisie!
I fought the bondage of classes, the proletariat masses
Have brought me here to spit a thesis against both of your asses!
Let me start with you there, Frankenstein!
Looking like something out of R.L. Stine
It's hip hop chowder, red over white
Cause the Tsar's wife can't do shit tonight!
And Joseph you were supposed to be my right-hand man
But your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man!
Our whole future was bright, you let your heart grow dark
And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx!

[Verse 4: Michail Gorbatjov]
Knock knock knock knock
Did somebody say birthmarks?
Yo I'm the host with the most Glasnost
Assholes made a mess and the war got cold
Shook hands with both Ronalds; Reagan and McDonald's, no doubt!
If your name end with 'in', time to get out!
I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa!
Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man (Oh yeah!)
You two need yoga, you need a shower
And you all need to learn how to handle real power!
 

[Verse 5: Vladimir Putin]
Did somebody say real power?
Дa, you want to mess with me?
I spit hot borsch when I'm crushing these beats
Blow it up like a tuba while I'm balling in Cuba
Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука.
I'm a president in my prime, my enemies don't distract me
The last man who attacked me, lived a half-life, so comrade come at me
You don't know what you're doing
When you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Putin
You'll find that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP!

Grigorij Rasputin vs Joseph Stalin

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN!
VERSUS!
J.R.R. TOLKIEN!
BEGIN!

[George R. R. Martin]
Brace yourself!
Gather up your trolls and your soldier Elves!
And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings
Your Dwarves and Glamdrings
Cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!
My readers fall in love with every character I've written
Then I kill 'em (Aaaahhhh!) They're like 'No! He didn't!'
All your bad guys die, and your good guys survive!
We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!
Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies (Yeah)
Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!
There’s edgier plots in that David the Gnome
Your Hobbit-hole heroes can’t handle my throne

[J.R.R. Tolkien]
Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves
Horses, fortresses, magic and swords
You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack
You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!
In book sales you’ve got nothing to say
I’m number one and two, you’re under Fifty Shades of Grey
I’ve got the prose of a pro, your shit’s subpar
You’re a pirate, you even stole my "R.R."
Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy
So yes, it’s true-to-life for characters to die randomly
But news flash, the genre’s called fantasy
It’s meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee


[George R.R. Martin]
I conscientiously object to what you’re doing on these beats
I’ll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast
You went too deep, Professor Tweed Pants
We don’t need the backstory on every fucking tree branch

[J.R.R. Tolkien]
I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme
You LARPed your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam
And it’s hard for me to take criticism on clothes
From a dude who sends a raven to say "Hi" to his toes

[George R. R. Martin]
Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke
My show’s the hottest thing on H-B-O!
I’m rock and roll, you’re a nerdy little nebbish
And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg
Even the names of your characters suck
You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks
I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks
Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts

[J.R.R. Tolkien]
C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing
How you and Jon Snow... both know nothing!
Because the backstory of my box office is billions
Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions
And I’m more rock and roll than you’ve ever been
Don’t believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin
You can’t reach this Fellow, shit, I’m Two Towering
(Ooh) Every time I battle, it’s Return of the King


[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin

“Way Deeper Down” a Undertale song

Hold on,
Sit tight,
Don't be impulsive.
I can't keep you healthy when you're acting so reckless.
I want to fight!
Why so compulsive?
Charging in is stupid and entirely reckless.
Take a moment I urge you,
To consider the facts.
Boring.
I can't possibly save you from
Thousands of wounds encoured by brazen attacks!
Why not?
You, me we're in this together.
Can we please be just a bit more clever?
Do you hear me?
Heavy do you ever use your head?
That guy's gonna end up dead.
Calm down, just chill.
Don't be a baby
Hey!
Counter strikes are pointless if your not thinking clearly.
What?!
Stay put, stand still and then just maybe you and me can hatch a plan.
... And make them pay?
Dearly.
Heavy just want to crush them,
Stomp them into the ground.
Yes of course but.
If we carelessly rush them I'm sorry
To say we will not be around for long.
You, me we can win this battle,
You are puny,
I'm as strong as cattle,
You will heal me,
Heavy uses gattling gun and then...
This is not what I meant.
Enemy will end up dead.
There are a few complications.
They have a scout sniffing us out and a Pyro.
Hah! Tiny men.
There engineers turret is here on the crest.
Hah! I eat turrets for breakfast.
They have a spy sniffing us out and a sniper.
My Sandvich!
There demo man's armed with the Man Co's very best.
Okay, you win let's kick their keisters.
No one shoots at heavy while he's eating his Sandvich.
The doc is in,
Prepare the Uber!
I will take the payload while
We have the advantage.
Sure they may see us coming,
But we don't really care
With my medigun humming
W'ell blow them away so we should say a few prayers because,
You, me baby we're invincible,
And victory is our only principle,

YOU AND ME: A Team Fortress 2 Song [Song by Random Encounters]

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY
ADAM VS EVE
BEGIN!

[Verse 1: Eve]
This battle's gonna end like every argument does
With you kissing my ass and begging me for a rub
I made a map motherfucker and I'm reading it too
Gives me specific directions how to fuck with you
I know that you like to think you're so macho
But you smell like ballsacks and nachos
I work. While you and your boyfriend Steve
Drink and play sports in a Fantasy League
You're as sharp as a stick, that I rub on my lips
So go ahead take a shot, I'm sure that you'll miss
Like the laundry, the toilet, the grocery list
If you'd stop fucking up I wouldn't have to get pissed

[Verse 2: Adam]
My life was fine 'till you had to come along and wreck it
Could you please just shut your face for ten seconds?
You cry about everything, but can't decide what you want
"I'm hungry", "I'm fat", "I'm cold", "I'm hot"
You call it complex, but yo I'd call you a mess
You take two hours to cum, three more to get dressed!
You got a lotion for this? Got a cream for that?
Got any perfume that smells like get the fuck off my back?
When things are good they're great, and it's like I'm dreamin'
Until your junk starts bleedin' and you turn to a demon
It ain't summer Eve, don't try to play me like a douche
You wanna bite on my fruit well you can swallow the truth!

[Verse 3: Eve]
Don't. even. bring up swallow
The first man on Earth ain't a tough act to follow
One pump chump and you're hung like a weasel
Ditch the fig leaf, get yourself a pine needle
You want alone time? Have it! In fact
Suck your own dick, and shave your own back
That apple's the best thing I bit so far
Now I see how much of a dick you are

[Verse 4: Adam]
I wasn't listening, are you still flapping those lips?
I was just thinking, yo did I give up a rib for this?
Woman, I just don't know what your problem is
All I know is you're acting like a colossal bitch!

[Both: shocked silence]

Adam:
I'm sorry

Eve:
...I'm sorry, too

Adam: 
Alright, nice!
Eve:
Don't even think about it!

Adam:
Okay, that's fine, we can eat

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!
EPIC (OH YEAH) RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Adam vs Eve

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