Jonas Mekas:
The pain is stronger than ever. I’ve seen bits of
lost Paradises and I know I’ll be hopelessly trying to
return, even if it hurts. The deeper I swing into the
regions of nothingness, the further I’m thrown back
into myself, each time more and more frightening
depths below me, until my very being becomes dizzy.
There are brief glimpses of clear sky, like falling out
of a tree, so I have some idea where I am going,
but there is still too much clarity and straight order
of things, I am getting always the same number
somehow. So I vomit out broken bits of words
and syntaxes of the countries I’ve passed through,
broken limbs, slaughtered houses, geographies. My
heart is poisoned, my brain left in shreds of horror
and sadness. I’ve never let you down, world, but
you did lousy things to me. This feeling of going
nowhere, of being stuck, the feeling of Dante’s first
strophe, as if afraid of the next step, next stage. As
long as I don’t sum up myself, stay on the surface, I
don’t have to move forwards, I don’t have to make
painful and terrible decisions, choices, where to go
and how. Because deeper there are terrible decisions
to make, terrible steps to take. It’s at forty that we
die, those who did not die at twenty. It is at forty
that we betray ourselves, our bodies, our souls, by
either staying on the surface or by going further but
through the easiest decisions, retarding, throwing
our souls back by thousands of incarnations. But
I have come close to the end now, it’s the question
will I make it or will I not. My life has become too
painful and I keep asking myself, what I am doing
to get out of where I am, what am I doing with
my life. It took me long to realize that it’s love that
distinguishes man from stones, trees, rain, and that
we can lose our love and that love grows through
loving. Yes, I’ve been so completely lost, so truly lost.
There were times I wanted to change the world, I
wanted to take a gun and shoot my way through the
Western Civilization. Now I want to leave others
alone, they have their terrible fates to go. Now I
want to shoot my own way through myself, into
the thick night of myself. Thus I change my course,
going inwards. Thus I am jumping into my own
darkness. There must be something, somehow, I feel,
very soon, something that should give me some sign
to move one or another direction. I must be very
open and watchful now, completely open. I know it’s
coming. I am walking like a somnambulist waiting
for a secret signal, ready to go one or another way,
listening into this huge white silence for the weakest
sign or call. And I sit here alone and far from you.
And it’s night and I’m reflecting on everything all
around me, and I am thinking of you. I saw it in
your eyes, in your love, you too are swinging towards
the depths of your own being in longer and longer
circles. I saw happiness and pain in your eyesand
reflections of the Paradises lost and regained and lost
again, that terrible loneliness and happiness. Yes,
and I reflect upon this and I think about you, like
two lonely space pilots in outer cold space, as I sit
here this late night alone and I think about all this.

reflejo/el espacio entre nosotros

aque lloque nopode mosver

un minuto, nada mas

homo sapiens

drowning to death

nobody

auto tune

burnt

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anteayer

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