If I Had A Million Dollars - Parody By Pete Brewster And Tony

Welcome Back

If you wanna be a winner, clap your hands
Or sit back, be a loser and milk your glands
If you wanna win some dough
get on dumber than the show
and try not to make yourself look like an ass

Circus Fanfare

This one got a lot of flack, apparently. What's your take?

Aaaaaah

Because you are so dumb
it turns me on
Because you are so dumb
ah

Because you double pass
It blows my mind
Because you double pass
ah

Questions old, questions new
Free Beer challenges you

Because you can't get through
It makes you cry
Because you can't get through
ah

Because

*Dumber than the show*

I'm dumber than most
A carless answer
puts me at a loss

Behind Hot Wings' eyes
An encyclopedia lies
He's a formidable foe
On Dumber Than The Show

I'm never gonna pass again
I can't get away with plasma
So I know this one had better count
'cuz Hot Wings ain't a fool

Should've called Friday just to play Joe
Can't waist this chance that I've been given
So I'll guess Dan Marino
And hope we tie at zero

dumb (dumb)
dumb (dumb)
dumb (dumb)
(now that you're dumb)

Careless Answer

Written by Jessup and Tony in Lansing

The legend plays on, 
He's a chippewa Alum
And his secret Twitter’s “huskerdoozi”

Trivia gets played, but it doesn't get him laid. And you never hear him turn gloomy. 

With a jackpot growing more
27 hundred dollars more
from the last moment he had stopped winning.

That 90 second clock was a worrisome tok when the winner had come down to timing.

Hot Wings is right, most of the time
Coming back from the hallway of silence
As trivia goes, he's better than most. 
With his thinking pen of concentration

In a musty old hall
In Grand Rapids they played
What the locals call The Intersection
Oh trivia, it’s said, it’s dumb, but not dead
When the Hottest of Wings keeps on winning!

Edmund Fitzgerald

We sing only the finest of Free Beer's cuisine choices. Can you guess all of them?

HOLIDAY CHALLENGE - 12 Foods of Free Beer

Monday, Monday
Begins the week
Dumber than the
Show trivia starring Hot Wings
Monday morning couldn’t guarantee
A win by free beer, Maitlynn, Steve, or Kelly cheese

Every other day
Every other day of the week he’s free (yeah)
Even though he’s sitting there
And all the others had their share
Nobody picks him anyway

Monday Monday
It’s hot wings day
Dumber than the show
Tri-V-I-A
Oh Monday Monday
Oh Monday Monday

It’s a stupid game anyway

Hot Wings Trivia Intro

(I’m not a little dumb
But I’m a little more than dumb
But really, I’m not actually that dumb
But I am)

Little timer that is ticking
90 seconds
It watches over you
Try your luck on
Dumber Than The Show
Not to put too fine a point on it
Breathe if you think that you’re gonna vomit
Try your luck on
Dumber Than The Show

I have a secret to tell
Keep your game from going to hell
You can pass, but remember
No points scored if you are a dumbbell

So contestant, listen to me
If you want a sweet victory
Be smarter than the show member
Or languish in infamy
So far, free beer’s the worst
And Hot Wings ain’t in first
It’s pretty sad

Little timer that is ticking
90 seconds
It watches over you
Try your luck on
Dumber Than The Show
Not to put too fine a point on it
Breathe if you think that you’re gonna vomit
Try your luck on
Dumber Than The Show

(While you're at it,
Welcome yourself by saying
“Hey Bud” when you are on)

Try your luck on
Dumber than the show

Bird House in Your Soul

Written by Jessup "What Did We Learn?" Camacho

I got my first real answer
Called in at the right time
Dialed 'til my fingers bled
They all giggle at 69

Me and a bunch of fools
Answered five questions and tried real hard
I double skipped, my vision got blurry
Should've known, I'd never get five

When I look back now,
90 seconds seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice,
Yeah I would've chosen Free Beer
That was the worst game of my life

They all giggle at 69

Giggle at 69

Idiot Justice League

Written by Aaron in Wisconsin & Tony in Lansing

Albany, and Nashville, ooh you always go to
Wilkes-Barre and Portland, Jersey Shore and Harris
Green Bay and Grand Rapids
Baby, why don't they go
Indiana?

North of Bob and Tom
There's a place called Kokomo
That's where you wanna go
to see a GOOD morning show
Playing trivia live
Free Beer prepares random questions, five
We will follow along
Shouting answers gets you banned for life
Down in Kokomo

Albany, and Nashville, ooh you always go to
Wilkes-Barre and Portland, Jersey Shore and Harris
Green Bay and Grand Rapids
Baby, it’s a live show (Ooh, I wanna Live Show in Kokomo)
We'll get breakfast
And then we'll watch the show
That's where we wanna go
Supporting Kokomo

Contestants, please, stop picking Kelly Cheese 

90 seconds each
You can pass if you’re a dummy
Double up to save time
A way to win is brevity
You can choose whose there
Sit in their empty chair
That senile look in your eye
Gets the jackpot winding way up high
Way down in Kokomo

Albany, and Nashville, ooh you always go to
Wilkes-Barre and Portland, Jersey Shore and Harris
Green Bay and Grand Rapids
Baby, it’s a live show (Ooh, I wanna Live Show in Kokomo)
We'll get breakfast
And then we'll watch the show
That's where we wanna go
Way down in Kokomo

Kokomo

Hot Wings Social Media Minute

Written by Kelly Cheese

Hello, there
The contestant of my nightmares
The idiot in the background of the show
The unsuspecting victim
A body I could bury
I can be a serial killer if I want

And you will never find me
Keep giving me contestants
And when I play I’ll say,
Please say that again
Please say that again.

We picked you, picked you

WHERE ARE YOU?
Our trivia contest 
I can not seem to hear you on the line
Are you still on bluetooth?
Is you speaker phone turned off
Turn you’re radio down in the background!
Oh there you are, let’s do this
You've got 90 seconds 
One of us will ask you 5 questions  
You can pass if you don’t know 
And we’ll back come to the question
But if you tie, then It will go to times 
It will go to times

 Don't waste your time squirming
You’re already compost behind my shed
We picked you
Don't waste your time squirming
You’re already compost behind my shed 

We picked you...

We Picked You

With Hall of Fame Pete and Brewster

Godspeed you lucky idiot
You have made it this far
Now please turn down your radio
That knob inside your car
Because you sound like a dumb dumb
Waiting to hear your voice

Although it makes our friend, Kelly, moist
Makes her feel moist
Your idiocy makes her moist

Free Beer, our idiot father
And Hot Wings are to blame
For we have to explain to others
of their stupid names
How could we like something that’s called
Free Beer and Hot Wings Show?

And call ourselves idiots by choice
Call it by choice
We call ourselves idiots by choice

Born to play a trivia game
You have 90 seconds to fame
Once forever, repeat never
Win and your life will not change

O, Dumb by nature, Dumb, are ya’?
Dumber than the Show Trivia
Like a chickpea glistening, oh we
Know it is quite obvious

God speed, you lucky idiot
God speed, you lucky idiot
God speed, you lucky idiot
God speed, you lucky idiot

Godspeed, You Lucky Idiot

Hike ‘em up, Gregg
Alright, y’all...This is all his idea
You know that, right?
So if he shows ‘em good and proud
He might start an Only Fans
Ohh, he might break the internet
Here it comes, here it comes
Cheek, cheek, rising cheeks
WOO!

Kelly postin’ thirst trap
June dump on Instagram
Free Beer busted by Kayla
Like he's like starin’ at the sun
Free Beer’s got skin in the game, bettin’ his keister
Tommy screwed him mighty good
It’s so hard not to stare

At that Greggy Tonk Badonkadonk
Pullin’ fabric tight, makes you wish it were a thong
Got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee, slap ‘em hard, and tell Daryll
There oughta be a law ‘cuz they’re white as cole slaw
Lord have mercy, thankfully we didn’t see his schlong
That Greggy Tonk Badonkadonk

We don’t care about hot takes
We don’t wanna hear from Steve
Maitlynn, Kelly, and Tommy
We don’t wanna hear them breathe
Drivin’ everybody crazy
We wanna see the post
Gregg, you better have delivered
We can look, but we can’t touch

That Greggy Tonk Badonkadonk
Cheeks squeezing tight, makes you wish you were a thong
Got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee, slap ‘em hard, and tell Daryll
There oughta be a law ‘cuz they’re creamy like cole slaw
Lord have mercy, thankfully we didn’t see his schlong
That Greggy Tonk Badonkadonk

(original "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" by Trace Adkins)

Greggy Tonk Badonkadonk

Parody of Hot Blooded by Foreigner

Well, I’m large walking
Check it and see
My legs extended
At least 100 feet
So lookout baby
‘Cuz I’m movin’ real fast
I’m large walking
I’m large walking!

You will have to run a race
To stay with up with my pace
Hey bud, you oughta know
That I move so glam
Looking like a Slender Man
But hold on a sec, my knees are a total wreck

Yeah it sucks to move
In and out of a Chevy Cruze
GMs and Jeeps, too
At the auto show, it’s painful to peruse

But then I’m…large walking
Check it and see
One of my steps for you equals 3
Starting fires in my corduroy pants

I’m large walking
I’m large walking!

(Large walking)
Each and every day
Odometers measure me

Large Walking (Hot Blooded)

Lyrics:
It’s 8:40-ish on a weekday
Inquisitive minds are abound
There’s an old man sitting next to Kelly
Who’s last seen shaking fists at the clouds

He says things like
Hüsker du, and repeats jokes
The world’s biggest boring machine
And he’s always relating things back to cars
But we couldn’t be without Hot Wings

La de da ditty da
La da ditty da da da

Here is your song, you’re the trivia man
Here is your song for today
Well, we’re all in the mood for a winning streak
So here’s to one more victory

Trivia Man

Lyrics:
STEVE IS ON THE HOT SEAT TODAY
HE IS GONNA PLAY
DUMBER THAN THE SHOW TRIVIA

IT’S NOT HOT WINGS OR JOE
NO WAY
KELLY IS ON TOMORROW
PRESSURE’S ON STEVE
OH HEY

BETTER NOT SCREW UP
AND LOSE ALL OF THE MONEY
AND IF YOU DO
FREE BEER WON’T LET YOU FORGET

(special appearance by Marv Albert)

Steve Intro - NBA Theme w/Marv Albert

Lyrics:
His eyes are cold and restless
And his wounds have almost healed
From every time he lost the game
Whether cheating or for realz
‘Cause he knows he’s smarter than them
In 90-second intervals
When the Idiot's on the hot seat
For Dumber Than The Show

It's pulsing blood
It’s five questions
It’s the roar of a texting crowd
It’s the white in the knuckles
The pass when he’s stuck but
It’ll come right back around
It’s edge of your seat
It’s “can you repeat?"
It’s excitement on your radio
It’s the Ah’s and the Um’s
And downs and the ups
And they call it Dumber Than The Show

It’s a chance to win dough
Against Hot Wings or Joe
And they call it Dumber Than The Show

Rodeo

Lyrics:
Free Beer went down to Georgia
He was looking for a soul to steal
He was in no rush, but he cast his sights
On someone with the right appeal

A sweet a southern belle, he found,
Playing fart noises ad nauseam
Free Beer brought her to the mothership and
She became one of the Idiots

In her first week, Kelly was compared to Patty, Selma, and Marge,
But at the end of one quick year, she stole everybody’s hearts
Then Free Beer said “it’s your lucky day”
And thrust her onto the throne
“Hot Wings is out, so step on up,
You’re playing Dumber Than the Show!”

Fire off the questions, one by one
High stakes will make it hot
Don’t fret, or flinch, you have only one chance
So give it all you got
Kelly’s gonna make it worth your run
If you win, you’ll be high on the hog
And if you lose, Kelly gets a corn dog.

Kelly Intro - Free Beer Went Down to Georgia

Lyrics:
Politics, potpourri
Sports, science, history
Hot Wings and Joe
Showcase how much they know
Every day, callers
Try to outsmart the hosts
Live here on the Free
Beer and Hot Wings Show

Dumber Than
The Show Trivia is on the air!
90 seconds for us to compare
Who's dumb or just impaired

Joe's only weekly
Hot Wings can be streaky
If he's faced with someone
From North East Pennsylvania
While the pot grows
Hot Wings wins most the shows
But then when Joe steps up
Well, the gang is all screwed

Dumber Than
The Show Trivia is on the air!
90 seconds for us to compare
Who's dumb or just impaired
Who's dumb or just impaired!

Gummy Bears

Lyrics:
Thank you for calling the show
Put on your thinking cap, here we go
Free Beer will throw you
Through a gauntlet of five questions

And if you pass a question
It will come back around again
If you don't know
It may help out Hot Wings or Joe
Or the time will determine
Who's dumber than the show

Golden Girls

My Dumber than the Show Trivia intro songs and bits from the Free Beer and Hot Wings Morning Show. Included are all which aired, and ones which did not. Thanks for listening!

Tony in Lansing

Commercial

Free Beer Scramble

Lyrics:
Trivia
Trivia

Scramble words right into my heart (hoo hoo)
I’ve called a hundred times before the game starts
Trivia rattles my brain (yeah yeah)
I’m really nervous ‘cuz I can’t call again
Turn down my radio
And hold on tight
I hope I correctly answer all five
No, no cheatin’ - use my head
I’m not dreaming, I’m on the radio playin’

Dumber than the show trivia
With Free Beer, Hot Wings, Kelly, Joe, and Steve-uh
Dumber than the show trivia
Following this, an ad for shaving balls
Dumber than the show trivia
My pride will swell or crumble to oblivion
Dumber than the show trivia
Thanks for taking my call
Now go wait in the hall!

Wake Me Up - WHAM!

Lyrics:
Whoa (dumber than the)
Dumber than the Show

If you’re lucky to get through all right
Better guess well and put up a fight
If there’s a tie game
Counting seconds determines fame
That’s how you play on Dumber Than the Show

Maybe this won’t last very long
If I say “pass pass”
From the starting gun
Maybe I’m just really nervous
But I’ve come this far
And I’m sweating worse than Joe

I don’t care what consequence it brings
I am happy to play Joe or hot wings
I want to win bad
Either way, I’m satisfied that
I was able to play dumber than the show

Whoa (dumber than the)
Dumber than the show

The Longest Time (unaired)

Hot Wings Shower Karaoke

California Love trivia intro, co-written with Brewster

California Love w/Brewster

Dumber Than The Show Trivia intro to They Might Be Giants' classic "Birdhouse in Your Soul"

Lyrics:
I’m a little dumb
I’m not a little dumb
But I’m a little more than dumb
But really, I’m not actually that dumb
But I am

Little timer that is ticking
90 seconds
It watches over you
Take a run at
Dumber Than The Show
Not to put too fine a point on it
Breathe if you think that you’re gonna vomit
Take a run at
Dumber Than The Show

I have a secret to tell
Joe and Hot Wings answer real well
They never let the time run out,
Pass-Pass
Or reach the end bell

So contestants, listen to me
If you want a sweet victory
Just be smarter than the one they spell
I-D-I-O-T
Google is Infinite
And if you use it,
No one’s impressed

Little timer that is ticking
90 seconds
It watches over you
Take a run at
Dumber Than The Show
Not to put too fine a point on it
Breathe if you think that you’re gonna vomit
Take a run at
Dumber Than The Show

While you’re at it,
Welcome yourself by saying
“Hey Bud” when you are on

Birdhouse in Your Soul (unaired)

Lyrics:
I fumble with my phone, dial and retry
1-800-947-3979
And get the busy signal every single time, oh
The jerk who gets in, says his first time calling
Sit down in my chair, and then I start bawling
'Cuz all I want to do is play my favorite game

Dumber Than The Show
Not a way to make a living
With Hot Wings or Joe
Take an answer if Free Beer's giving
It's "green eggs and ham"
But the question's right above it!
Hooked on Phonics didn't work for
Gravy Daniels, did it?

Trivia!
Brought to you by Big Plasma
Also "Helium"
Is an acceptable answer
It's your time to shine
Get all five correct and don't pass
Turn the Minister of Flavor
To the Minister of Sadness

Trivia!
Shout your answer, "Jeff" or "A Deer"
Tie it at zero
Cannot wait to be a hero
How do magnets work?
I don't want to talk to scientists!
.......

9 to 5

Lyrics:

Oh my God, Becky,
Look at their brain
It is SO BIG

It must be, like, one of those
Savants or something
It’s just so…GREAT!

I like big brains and I cannot lie
You idiots can’t deny
When the game is tied
Going 5 for 5
Then they go to check the time
You get sprung
Turn the radio up
‘Cuz you know the questions were tough!
Hittin’ the dump, they’re swearin’
Free Beer’s turning into Karen
Oh, hey bud, you’re getting a warning
From a forceful scorning
Although they got a warning,
That brain they got (makes Hot Wings horny)
I like the brains thick and juicy
So make that juicy fatter
I’m about to splatter
Beggin’ for a piece of grey matter
So Fellas (Yeah!)
Ladies (Yeah!)
Do you like Dumber Than The Show? (Hell yeah!)
Use it (use it!)
Use it (use it!)
Use that noggin up
Baby Got Brains!

Baby Got Brains

Hot Wings did his own selection, and crooned it himself.

I've been on fire, no one can stop me but you
It's my empire, the winning streak continues
I've never dreamed I could lose to somebody like you
And for the record, I've never said Husker Du

What a wicked game to play, you called in anyway
Now I wish you all the best, win or lose, I digress
What a silly thing to say, you "Passed" when we asked your name
Whether you're a hit or miss, I still get paid for this

Now I'm dumber than the show (this world is only gonna break your heart
Now I'm dumber than the show (this world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody can play more than once

Tony in Lansing

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