this song is about my struggles with depression and relapsing, also I walk outside a lot and I didn't notice the flowers that have bloomed, I guess I just thought they were similar to me in some ways, so there ya go. I wrote it one afternoon, edited it, and a week later, here it is on SoundCloud. I'll do an in depth explanation on the lyrics later but it's still free to your own personal interpretation. :) blessed be

acoustic, life experience, depression, anxiety, mental illness, coping, metaphor, independent artist

flower

upbeat take on using optimism to cope with derealization, dissociation, time blindness, trauma, psychosis/schizophrenia, and panic attacks

HO.LO.GRAM

it's about how I feel like I'm too ugly to go out in public or to interact with people, like in every way. personality wise, emotionally, especially physically. so I wrote a song about it last night and I just figured out chords for it.

ugly

planets

insecure

ghost hunter

springin outta sleep's gettin so much harder
gladly summer's clocked out for the long term
tempted to fall in the mechanisms
when's it winter? cuz I'm gettin bitter, yeah

I try to go out and walk on concrete
But sometimes I'm feelin way too dizzy
So I just pull out my phone instead
So I ain't in my head, but the sun still sets im

broke and broken, fairly growin
spendin all my time doin nuthin but losin my mind
but it's not over yet
I'm feelin nervous but I still got time
wish the seasons got me feelin fine

seasons

originally about having to space out during work because of the long hours during shifts with boring easy tasks but it ended up being more general and I like it better how it is now.

time's gone

F G7 Cmaj7 A7


(4x) Chorus

tell me what i lost when i was worried about losin you


(Bridge)

Lost my string but that dont mean i gotta lose my passion


Satisfaction is what i got when i saw you go past me


Out that door, I got the floor now I aint lose my cool 


so tell me what i lost when i was worried about losin you


Chorus

(4x)

Tell me what i lost when i was worried about losin you


(Verse 2)

Kiss me on the lips then tell me how i dont mean nothin to you


Cry about it when i build the courage to finally say screw you


Almost through all of the things you went and put me through


Now think about what you lost since i aint worried bout losin you


(Bridge)

Lost my string but that dont mean i gotta lose my passion


Satisfaction is what i got when i saw you go past me


Out that door, I got the floor now I aint lose my cool 


so tell me what i lost when i was worried about losin you


(Verse 3)

Tell your mom how you love my thong but dont love my facts


Tell your mom how you hate my face but just love my ass


Kiss it twice, dont tell me thrice to leave and dont look back


It aint my fault the couch all you got since now you lost my cash


Out that door, wish you had more

Almost through, what'd i lose by losin you?


Chorus:

(12x) Tell me what i lost when i was worried about losing you











what i lost

verse 1
i cant get the sound of your voice out of my head (out of my head)
i keep thinking back to things that you said
is it this is it that, am i over thinkin
am i bad am i good, oh, which one are you thinkin
do you think about me?
do my rose colored glasses make it hard to see

bridge
dont wanna beat around bush
there are many to pick and choose
but i find when i do its you
theres so much time
to get around the mines
but i hope that we still cross the finish line

chor 1
is it bad that im wondering whether im starting to fall
is it bad that im guilty of wanting to love you
wanting to love you

verse 2
its only been months since we talked
memories fade but the feelings stayed
did we stay the same
i wish i could tell you how weird i feel for wanting to be with you
the want to be friends, feel the need to be more
but to ruin everything , the guilt would be sore
youre too good to be true, wish there was more that i knew about you so i could tell you the truth
but im scared you'll get to know me and not like what you see
cant help that i long for the day our eyes meet

chor 2
is it bad that im wondering whether im starting to fall
i keep hoping but i know hope wont get me that far
with time do you think you might see me in this way too
is it bad that im guilty of wanting to love you
wanting to love you

to love you
wanting to

wanting to

dont lie to me
you act like you know what truth is
lookin at me like you think im stupid
try but its useless

you know you cant lie to me
i cannot help you if your two faced
listenin gives me a headache
when you talk the talk but you cant cover the tracks

[verse 1]
i want it back
the times where i thought you were a real
a loving smiley face, theres more than one
it bleeds right through your eyes
another second wont suffice of seein you 
lie lie lie
hide hide hide who you really are
your cowardice, audacity to say you have what you really want

[bridge]
im not on my knees for you
just to beg for you to choose
its a battle that im not gonna lose

so tell me for the last time that you love me that you care
when you know that if i wasnt there that you'd be happier
dont lie to me

take all of my clothes
i wont need em where im goin
and the stains from you arent going there with me
dont lie to me
lie lie lie
hide hide hide, all you want
you cant lie to me

[outro (2x)]
once again, the trust times ten, at least it wasnt eleven
to talk to you to smile and laugh the times i thought was heaven
you brought me back to earth when you revealed all your true colors
listen i dont need a friend like you
but it hurts to be a lover



dont lie to me

when all is riddled in my filth
i break and fall limp
because i dont mind my mind 
and i dont have time to live a life

and  if i find someone to hold me
when all i can do is cry
and if i tell them to leave me and to keep an open eye
then i'll wait for the impending death of mine
cuz all alone i will lie

and when you tell me you love me
and all you can do is cry 
i wont shed a tear
nor dry your eyes
i dont care
i dont care
i dont care 

bleed for me to see your presence
scream and plea for the warmth of mine
and when i resist you must harden your core
but when i see it fit, i will take from yours

when i want it, how i want it
i dont want to exhaust myself for the air that you breathe for me

and  if i find someone to hold me
when all i can do is cry
and if i tell them to leave me and to keep an open eye
then i'll wait for the impending death of mine
cuz all i alone i will lie

and when you tell me you love me
and all you can do is cry 
i wont shed a tear
nor dry your eyes
i dont care
i dont care
i dont care
i dont care

i dont care

Em G Cmaj7

too much of you now my heart is racing
spent a lot of time, a lot of time just chasin
the feeling, getting over my heartbreak
time without you makes my heartache

all this buzz out of control
my soul it knows im searchin
god its tough to want your love
and not get so addicted

Em Bm Cmaj7 

luhv drvg, got me on it frequently
thought about it and you got me thinkin deeply
hold me close and tell me how much you love me

Em G Cmaj7

so i can play it on repeat im like a zombie
sleepy when your gone and im lookin for you constantly
fantasize bout the next time we talk so i can never tell you how much that you make me crazy
lately 
getting dizzy
luhv drug, got me on it frequently

[instrumental]
Em Bm Cmaj7 (2x)
Em G Cmaj7 (2x)

all this buzz out of control
my soul it knows im searchin
god its tough to want your love
and not get so addicted

Em Bm Cmaj7 

luhv drvg, got me on it frequently
thought about it and you got me thinkin deeply
hold me close and tell me how much you love me

Em G Cmaj7

so i can play it on repeat im like a zombie
sleepy when your gone and im lookin for you constantly
fantasize bout the next time we talk so i can never tell you how much that you make me crazy
lately 
getting dizzy
luhv drug, got me on it frequently
luhv drvg, got me on it frequently

luhv drvg
got me on it frequently
luhv drvg, got me on
luhv drvg, got me on it frequently
luhv drvg, got me on it frequently

luhv drvg

G Cmaj7 Eb
i dont know how to deal with my emotions
it feels like i dive  into the ocean 
every time i try
i start to lose my mind

wish i had the ability to forsee
or to read the minds of the people i see everyday
hopefully good things will come my way

but i get so anxious cuz of the unknown
feel the need to have control
the shadows of my fears follow me wherever i go

and i cant help but notice the little things
i constantly avoid my feelings
cuz their too huge for my body
gotta write out and see em for myself

i dont know how to deal with my emotions
it feels like i dive  into the ocean 
every time i try
i start to lose my mind
it gets me everytime

love is too strong and too soon to aknowledge
stress is complex and it comes from every nook and cranny of my life
the feeling wont subside

i overlook my depression
im always second guessing myself every second of the day
cant talk out of fear of sound strange

and i get so lonely and so angry that its hard to function
and i cant face my fears just right cuz i might just cease to exist 
and i havent been able to look at myself in the mirror
wish that i could see me clearer

im drowning im drowning

i dont know how to deal with my emotions
it feels like i dive  into the ocean 
every time i try
i start to lose my mind

wish i had the ability to forsee
or to read the minds of the people i see everyday
hopefully good things will come my way

but i get so anxious cuz of the unknown
feel the need to have control
the shadows of my fears follow me wherever i go

and i cant help but notice the little things
i constantly avoid my feelings
cuz their too huge for my body
gotta write it out and see em for myself

i dont know how to deal with my emotions
it feels like i dive  into the ocean 
every time i try
i start to lose my mind
it gets me everytime

it gets me everytime
it gets me everytime

deal

Dmaj7 G7 Cmaj7 Amaj7/A7
i stop
and i stare 
and i look and i glare
and i breathe
and i see everything around me

and i smell
the breeze
and the trees
cuz people see me
and i think that im having a panic attack

fill the buckets and walk up the stairs
take a walk and sing when i can
i think they fail to understand
im not normal

keep in mind the words that i say
i cry and i fear so i pray
that all the pain goes away
and stay formal

i taste the insynchroniscities
i feel the thoughts growing inside of me
that i dont have enough time to realize

that im not where ive been before
im lookin for somethin more
than this deep heavy pit that i choose to ignore

i stop and stare and i gaze
at the notion im one trip away
from a mistake i dont mean to make
and everyone seems to fade away

and i smell
the breeze
and the trees
cuz people see me
and i think that im having a panic attack

five things just five
but i think i might die
if i dont get to work on time
or if i say words and skip a line
or fail to sympathize
or i cry too much this time
this is crazy my life feels like a lie

i stop
and i stare 
and i look and i glare
and i breathe
and i see everything around me

and i smell
the breeze
and the trees
cuz people see me
and i think  the bees are chasing me down

i stop and stare and i gaze
at the notion im one trip away
from a mistake i dont mean to make
and everyone seems to fade away

dont fade away
please fade away

name five things

i get you think im lonesome
without your love felt homegrown
but i worked myself to the bone
for this heavy load on my soul

and all that i still hear from you
is that change is what your used to
now that your all on your own
but your promises are counterfeit

mmm their counterfeit
your promises are counterfeit

i still see you
in the corner of my eye
and you walk around our town
and make your friends your chauffer

your voice is made of copper
aint gonna hear your two cents
you should feel like a nuisance
cuz your life worth about 2 shits

and im long gone
better stop callin up my phone
cuz i been left you alone
so you can rot in your zone without me

you never need me for that
cry about your own mistakes
that you never want to fix
just keep sittin their useless

and all that i still hear from you
is that change is what your used to
now that your all on your own
but your promises are counterfeit

mmm their counterfeit
your promises are counter feit

counterfeit

even when we were alone your promises were counterfeit

counterfeit

D B7 G A7 D
movie girl
i want you to be my movie girl
stayin up all night
tv screen so bright
but i wanna look into your deep blue eyes

movie girl
dont u wanna be my movie girl?
talk throughout the night
candle light on the side
i wanna see you smile

i was scared to look in your direction
you turned me to stone with your blues
but the way that you laugh and cover your face
made my buttery heart melt in two


D D7 G A7 D

talking with you felt so cheesy
but then it became smooth, so easy
like somewhere along the way we connected

how i felt so fast feels outrageous
but the warmth of your smile is contagious
cant escape the thought that i need to see more of you

D B7 G A7 D
movie girl
i want you to be my movie girl
stayin up all night
tv screen so bright
but i wanna look into your deep blue eyes

movie girl
dont u wanna be my movie girl?
talk throughout the night
candle light on the side
i wanna see you smile

will you smile with me 
in your deep blue sea

movie girl

Dm F

Do you recall the last words you said to me
After dusk hits light, do you remember me
Are you bored of not letting out your frustrations
Are you tired, tired of not losing your patience

Gmaj7 F

When you close your eyes, do you lose sight of our imperfections
When you reach REM sleep, does my voice pierce your ear drums
As you breathe does the laughter linger in your lungs

Gmaj7 A7 F
When you dream, do you remember me?

Gmaj7 A7 F Dm
(3x)
When you dream, do you remember me?

Gmaj7 A7
Am I in the back of your mind, like you are in mine all the time.

Dm F
[instrumental]
Theres so much to say but we've run out of time
I've grieved so much I cant bear to cry
And i know you dont care
Even in proximity you weren't there
No one ever loves as much as I do

Gmaj7 F

But when you close your eyes, do you lose sight of our imperfections
When you reach REM sleep, does my voice pierce your ear drums
As you breathe does the laughter linger in your lungs

Gmaj7 A7 F
When you dream, do you remember me?

Gmaj7 A7 F Dm
(3x)
When you dream, do you remember me?

Gmaj7 A7
Am I in the back of your mind, like you are in mine all the time.

when you dream

19yrs old • singer/songwriter
music for you to relate to & enjoy
~~~~
ATM: working on an album now. until I publish and distribute it as planned, it'll be available as is on SoundCloud.

antonnie

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