Meds & Beds--Austin Jones

I think night time is the worst part. Too much sad music dancing around in my head along with words better left unsaid, words that make me feel dead. That’s the thing about depression, it doesn’t give you time to think or a choice, it hits you hard and fast sweeping through you and leaving this hollow trail wherever it has touched. And it touches all of you, digging into your heart and embedding itself in your head like a memory you just can’t forget. And it is the darkest memory you will have ever seen, because that is what depression is. It is the darkest things, the shadow of who you are and you find it to be the only thing standing by you in the end, so you take comfort in it. Self-harm, self inflicted pain, and you do those nasty things to yourself because they told you that by you being alive no one gains? That is a lie, and they don’t hear your gruesome cries, because who would want to hear something so sad? So broken, so dark. It’s as if we only hear what we like yet we spit out words as if they were knives, and they are. They are knives to the heart, creating a passage to the deepest parts and stabbing repeatedly as you go through your day. What is worse than self-harm, that’s easy, self-hate. Because no matter how many times you cut your skin you cannot change what it is. It will always heal, and our reflection will not. Or have you forgot? That what you look like does not define who you are, that there is more to what’s inside than all those lies. Just because someone says you are fat does not mean that they know the number on the scale, it only means they have seen what they wanted to see. And maybe they say that they don’t want to see it, and that is okay, because no matter how much hate they spit out, they will not change. But you, you can. You can grow stronger than the land that surrounds you, the walls you’ve built up, only you can tear them down. And maybe you need a little help, and that is okay. It is okay, because if it brings you one step closer to showing what’s within instead of relying on your own skin, I would spend all day on my knees tearing it down brick by brick, stone by stone. You are worth so much more, and you are not a bore. Those kids that teased you, I know what they’re looking for, they’re looking for an escape, an exit from their own self-hate. So look up at the sky because it never leaves your side. Stop living in the shadows and stand up for yourself, you are worth it. You are so worth it, and you are not done. You are just beginning so fight, fight for what’s right. Only you know where to go, so go in long strides or even small steps, your life is not a test where you either get an A or a F. Escape your own mind and live outside, because you have built these walls so high you cannot even see the light, but maybe there’s a crack. Take a look at that, there is always an opening, so find it and take your life back. You are worth it, and that is that.

Oli

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