Instrumental is 'Feeling' by Ichika Nito -> https://youtu.be/0IR-4Uam6Q4

[Verse One]

I'm sick of watching other people live their life the way I'd like to live mine
I wake up it's like a fight against time
Been waiting patiently but no I ain't the brightest in line
Now see the paradox I'm making when I'm writing this rhyme

Is it my place to really fight his design, or is it mine to decide? 
I just wanna spread this kindness inside
Up on a stage where the light is sublime
Not for fame, but fulfilment of my brain when it's rightly applied

I'll be your guide when the road is rough
I've had a few hardships so far  that've got me feeling I know this stuff
Go to suffer, get better, come to notice your soul is tough
We do it together then ain't nobody can hold us off

It's been a while since I've been on my knees and talked to Jesus
Why bother only doing something when I fall in creases,
and then forget about it when I hit my tallest reaches?
We should call a recess when we know that it's all facetious

And it's really awful when we let it come all between us
and assume that everyone else in our stead was born to please us
I'm not a theist, so personally was born a thesis
That it's all a jigsaw puzzle with no corner pieces

[Chorus]

How you doing x4
Yeah it's Ok x4
Just keep on moving x4
There aint.. no o... ther way

[Verse Two]

A lot of questioning of circumstances
A lot gesturing and nervous glances
A lot of pestering and worthless answers
A lack of purpose and an abundance of romances
Got me doing mental gymnastics like circus dancers

If I threw a dart at the map then I'd probably drown
If I pick a fight then I'll probably get all beat down 
If I really rapped from the heart then I'd probably burst
an artery and end up in a hospital lobby gown

Now I'll be honest, I made myself a promise as a kid
when I admonished my parents for what they did
They did become zombies, did not follow their hobbies
And I didn't wanna grow up and father some carbon copies

And teach 'em that it's Ok to just zone out up on the sofa
when the working day is done with and wait 'til the soaps are over
to scream at your fucking partner and buy more shit from a brochure
sleep and repeat the cycle, and notice one day you're older

and haven't been happy ever
so happily ever after ain't coming for you not never
forever it's been distasterous 
barely since you left school have you ever been where the laughter is
parents that are struggling rarely ever just ask their kids

[Chorus]

How you doing x4
Yeah it's Ok x4
Just keep on moving x4
There aint.. no o... ther way

[Verse Three]

Despite all this sincerity, you might be surprised
To hear that I've found clarity, it's like my demons
are dogs that have been anaesthetized and when they wake back up
I promise I'll never heed their cries when they're mad at me

All my features are greyer, I'm getting fatter, doesn't matter
Something deeper than that comprises my battery
Now every week my plans are redevised
I just keep my eyes on what's important to me - not chasing a fantasy

Got real advice from my friends,
and my family, wow, they're doing better,
I've been gradually proud,
I hold my head and stiff my back up more naturally now
I've allowed myself to not-know, so ask me how

[Chorus]

How am I doing? x4
It could be better but I know the weather 'gon be Ok
I'm keeping moving when I'm doing what I doing it's only ever my best 'cause I know that I'm only human
There aint.. no o... ther way

Miscellaneous

How I'm Doing

Beat is Introvert by Blue Wednesday

I took the sad train home
Rode my sorry bike across the dam
Feeling hopelessly alone
It’s all going according to plan

We all love to piss and moan
And make out like nobody understands
Hear your breath over the phone
Timid voice and shaking hands

I got old in a minute
I’m getting stubborn and stuck in my ways
And this hole that I’m digging, is so small
But it’s safe so I’m ducking in place 

I’ve done a whole lot of living now
And only learned that the world’s a fucking disgrace
It’s only trends that are different,
Shudder to think of all the effort that bucking ‘em takes

Far away so far away so
I ain’t had the best start today yo
But I, got a show got a part to play so
Pass the problems ‘round like a hot potato

Far away so far away so
I ain’t had the best start today yo
But I, got a show got a part to play so
Pass the problems ‘round- why? ‘Cause I say so

Need a holiday, some mad fun with guys
Stopped by security, the bags under my eyes
Look suspicious, like I’m hiding something, couple of knives
Staring daggers, and acting like I’m under disguise

No wonder it’s why,
I’m bracing for the thunderous skies,
And not relaxing in the summer with some comforting sighs,
So stoic, always there when people come for advice,
And then struggle to take my own like I’m covered in ice

Rolling the dice, and it’s snake eyes, I huff and I pout
Learn to drive so I can take some recovering route
No more time after work so it’s tough to hang out
No more tolerance for drugs, one puff and I’m out

A lot of hobbies that I’ve shelved for the time being,
Seeing's the feeling of fearing failure is hard to convey,
In favour of saving of money, to up and go sightseeing,
expanding just by being, and marking the day

Misc

Far Away So

Beat by @leemindme

Feel like the clocks ticking
I need to stop drinking
Start exercising, go to the opticians
The last couple of years have felt a lot different
A lot of stirring the pot, now the plot thickens

It’s not auspicious
I went from having all the energy in the world
To barely enough to wash dishes
And clean clothes
Chasing a bunch of lost wishes
My free throws these days are just not swishes

Writing lyrics in the fog of the glass
Quick to remember the bad ‘cause it’s all in my past
Got released just to trip again and fall on my cast
In a pile of responsibilities all on my ass

Got knocked down, see, got back up and I got stitches
I didn’t bring receipts, but I got pictures
Alcohol withdrawal’s giving me hot itches
And 99 more problems than I got bitches

Don’t recognise the underdog in the mirror
Still in my blunderyears, yeah my awkwardest era
And I got a lot to be thankful for, my target is nearer
I miss the mark and I’m afraid it’ll all disappear or

Maybe I’m thinking too much
Maybe I don’t understand
And spread too thin and snapped
Like an old rubber band
So dramatic when things ain’t going according to plan
‘be yourself’ seemed like such an important demand
But you can’t, you gotta be functioning in society
That’s why I’ve decided to be punching in my sobriety
I’ve had at least a couple of people in my life who’ve come to rely on me, admire me
And in turn they inspire me

To better myself
But I wouldn’t bet on my health
I got zip-locked weed turning dead on my shelf
And no hip-hop creed or inherited wealth
Or scrolling on social media, ever did help

We’re all connected by the bad
That effects us unequally
Searching eyes, begging a stranger to come and speak to me
Tell me ‘bout their life, lessons they could be teaching me
Stretching out a hand, I reach into the scenery

And wham, brick wall, a painted facade smacks me
Road runner giggles holding a can of ACME
Acrylic and then a cartoon mallet swings and attacks me
Tube doors open I’m slipping out of my fantasy

Walking dead, barking talking head,
Looking bargain bin, markings burned into the ground of every car park you in,
Sick of paying compliments, sick of arguing all the time with people online who lack basic competence

But still have all the confidence, all the shakers and movers,
Stake their savings on currencies made on their computers,
And wanna be just like their favourite YouTubers
And not David Dunning or Justin Kruger, 
What the news huh?

Some loser went and shot up a school again, guess that’s cool again
Conservatives fucking over the poor again
nother deadly virus is on the loose again, and looming missile crisis,
Fucking tie us a noose again

Can barely think, try escaping to entertainment,
As a kid to block trauma that’s where my brain went,
School taught me pray: “Hail Mary” and “amen”,
But games taught me there’s whole worlds waiting

Where I can win, and explore when I get bored and I’m sad, I can be glad that I’m actually a hero
Factually at zero, but that don’t matter to me when I’m hacking a slashing, you could call me a weirdo
But the caption of he highlight reel of my life,
Is that I know what I like,
So you can take a high dive and belly flop
Looking at me wide eyed, but why lie,
If I wanna rock triple denim tie dye
Nobody can tell me stop

Seldom do I ever have a better experience when I fall on my butt than when I follow my gut
So you can sit and spin, sip your own medicine and wash it down with a frown as you swallow my nut
Motherf

Clock's Ticking (Prod. Lee)

Beat by Ryini Beats

[Verse One]

I’m having trouble adjusting
Social skills have been rusting
As dust settles down in my mind
I’m getting better at trusting
That must count for something right?

Always rushed in,
What’s the use of discussions, it always turns out like a light
It’s nothing,
Why do I act so flustered then,
If I ain’t got nothing to hide?

Self-destruction (thrusts in),
Swirling vocal percussion, as I’m laying tucked in at night,
One thousand cuts to tough skin still sucks
My suffering has just served to roughen the knife

It’s disgusting,
I’ve tended to lying and bluffing 
In the stuff that I type
You think I’m laughing out loud, and kissing and hugging,
While I’m thinking “fuck my life”

[Chorus]

Momma didn’t raise no quitter but she shouted a lot
Father made mistakes and hit her, we all pouted and fought
Things are Ok, I made my own way, and flavour of mistakes, from the chaos that I’ve wrought,
I’ve ended up jaded and bitter, how could I not?

[Verse Two]

And I’m trying real hard
No more cigarettes at the bar
No more drinking,
Or getting so mad
Don’t wanna end up like that

I’ll just focus on the art,
Not a partner who’s a sofa apart,
I’ve broken my heart, I don’t want to look back
And think that’s the best I ever had

So I pace around the yard (in the rain),
Get counselling to tame that racing my brain does, chasing all the facts
Erase some mistakes and replace some bad habits,
I need a bit of faith, to change the way I act

Lest it all goes dark,
And I become some recluse, armed with an excuse to hide my face behind a mask,
“How’s it going?” “Hey don’t ask”
Don’t they say “touch grass”

No Quitter

They ask me how i am, i just say i'm fine
lately i'm a plain guy
operating like an A.I.
backing up my save file
in my head killing everyone then resetting
i'm insane
why? i just shift the blame
life's a strange a ride
i've cried and made way too many grey skies
to play nice and stay lying low in my hay pile
there's a needle in my brain changing the way it's wired
my face tired, and i pace back and forth in my place
whiteboarding a trace of all my morbid mistakes
and all the torment it takes to stay on form in this race
that's so important to chase
in the daylight
it seems wrong but far as effort i ain't got much left so either way is right
i see a loose end of the tunnel in my ray of sight
and every goal is a sporting event watching the players fight
i swear there's like

6 billion other motherfuckers like me
who dunno what they're doing, not knowing where they're going and questioning who they're knowing, just assuming that we're screwed and i agree, when nothing left works then whos gonna hire me?

All you other motherfuckers like me, mulling round in matrix moments hooked to an IV because its way more fun when it's all said and done to look down the gun, not just close your eyes and see

i had this weird realisation life is passing
im only twenty three
but see thats three more than i ever believed i would achieve way back then
when i considered leaving
weep or grab a napkin
i dont need your sympathy but you'd be forgiven if you thought that i seemed i needed it the way that ive been rapping
the truth is im a never have had who never wanted for much just a dad who calls back when i ask him
i only grant happiness, im the genie of the lamp that ive been trapped in
the track that backspins, glass up on a matress, nails on a chalkboard just having this accent
im on a tangent
not how i planned it
but its candid, talking in past tense
see through this mask like a massive glass fence
"man im okay, im fine"
and watch man's mental health decline in a kinda abstract sense

It's sad there's so many motherfuckers like me

Like Me

Everybody that I know
I hope you're doing well
I've been kinda up and down lately
could you tell?
I've been looking for something
to save me from myself
I fell off a wall, cracked
and theres nothing underneath this shell
except a lot of hopeless energy
I'm having trouble allocating
I've been stuck inside the house
I know I've got a talent waiting
and the thought of using it
always gets me salivating
yet the thought of losing it's
weirdly kinda human looking out into
this crazy world and who's in it
the people that I'm choosing a future with
is strange and kinda validating
i guess the thought that I'm not alone in the how
im gonna figure all this out
makes the doubts im facing fade and

I just wanna say
while im still alive today
I've been vilified and rated
I've been loved and I've been hated
I've been on top of my game and I've been played with
and pray if I'm still alive tomorrow
different day but same shit

what I want ain't crazy
I want plain love, I dont need a serenade,
but it seems that i let people put too much on my plate,
don't wanna worry bout what you're doing when you come in late,
i want something low key,
want someone to hold me,
not to go accuse me of abuse and then control me
i guess ive made some pretty bad decisions when im lonely
i think i should really start listening to my homies
and put some higher standards on what it takes to know me
take what life throws me, yeet it back like "kobe"
i've been cleaning up my act, yeah im on a decent track, back to making decent tracks, speaking facts they're my plaques and trophies

I should prolly tell my therapist i rap
I'm going to find out why i obsess on this and that
Been pessimistic but it's crap being so far away from my family, and I'm especially missing Dad
my little brother and sisters are growing up without me
want them to know that when i think of them I do it proudly
and I'll be more in their lives one day if they allow me
I hear they only have good things to say about me
Don't know why though I just dipped
Felt like I was escaping, now I'm busy racing to my crypt
The only thing I had that made me glad ended up making me sad, was a shit relationship
so i dont have a home
and i dont have a goal
and i dont have much money
oh what an injured soul
it's still a touch funny
im like bugs bunny running
away from Elmer Fudd
but I'm filling both their roles

Still Alive Today

I had a new feeling
So while I’m truth spilling:
I don’t wanna lose you
I’ve been too willing
See prior to now
Had a habit of tying me down
I’m too eager with people blue pilling

I grew into a villain
A version of me
Such the people that I loved drew aversion to me
Became addicted to things that were encouraging me
Chasing thunder and always where the hurricane be

...

Think about the choices I’ve made and still yet to
Think about the pain and be thankful I still get to
Finger on my brain and work up a bit of strain
Treating life as a game whenever I have headroom

I feel a bit of me’s strange, like it’s shutting down
Like the corner store in every F'ing town
I’m getting old, I’ll never amount to nothing now
The crashing waves on every edifice jutting out

Turning rocks into sand, into dust,
We don’t like it but we understand that we must
That’s why we seek love, a touch of hand into lust
Into something to be accustomed to
a plan I can trust

So the planet is F'd yeah 
Damn it it sucks
A bunch of amateurs at the top mismanaging us
Often in their arrogance disparaging us
Do you feel the winds of change or a challenging gust?

I used to be a commie
Used to think probably we could make things better if we spoke more guidance
But the downside of that's there’s a lot more mouths now open beside us
Hoping to find us

Saying pro life this and woke mind virus
To dope-eyed kids in broke down silence
Suppose I guess I’ll nope out next
Not before I blow a kiss at those tired eyelids

As I was trying to say, this feeling is new
I’ve never met somebody as appealing as you
Never met someone as self-revealing as you, to me
So truthfully I’ll be seeing this through

At least a few weeks or some months to a year
I really want it to work so I’m struck with this fear
That you’ll see me be down and up disappear
And just to be clear, that’s probably fair

So I’m investing
I don’t need no next thing
All my eggs in the basket
Open about my past
You got a question just ask it
Straight to my face no texting
You don’t have to be constantly interesting

You don’t have to be anything that you’re not
There’s always some ish that we could do better
But baby you should be happy with what you got
What we got is a lot if we can put it together

Vow to always respect you
When I’m not in the best mood
I can be blunt like I was born in a test tube
Maybe I’m on the spectrum, maybe I could be less rude
But you protect me, I’ll protect you

We’re both winners, both full figures
Both had to roll with what our old folks gave us
We’ve both spoke whispers, you know smoke lingers
Both got blisters on our fingers and so much emotion in us

Feel the clear breeze in the cold rain
As the sun sets, that’s my cocaine
When we undress and there’s no pain
And I feel your fingers tug on my gold chain

Through the mud and the cuts and crises
Couldn’t pick a better mate for the high seas
We’ve been through a lot of change but I think we do ok
For some people that were made in the 90s

So let’s build a better future, just us
A menagerie of things that bring us joy
We can throw away the things that disgust us
You can paint a picture and me I’ll sing the story

It’s goes: once upon a time
There was a dotted line
A boy decided to sign on, it said:
On the condition that she’s mine with to while away the time
I’ll love her like I got rhymes in my head

‘Cause we both put on a smile
When we’re going through a trial
But we spiral like there’s 5 minutes left
We could both use a Joseph to find us a bed
Take denial and replace it with kindness instead

I don’t know why you adore me
But I could list the reasons I do you until we’re 40
And keep ‘em coming when you tease and say “more please”
Now that we found eachother no more lost Dorothy’s

Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees
And sometimes there’s a party and forest fire
I just hope I make you happy the way you make me happy
F whatever’s left, turn the chorus higher

New Feelings

Lyrics:

[Intro]

My head's spinnin',
It's on a sui-cycle.
Come on, do as I do...
Do as I do. (x6)

[Verse]

Do you ever have a dream
that you cannot seem to grasp?
It's a challenge you're damned to seek the past,
And you scream as the madness eats your raps,
It would mean that your fantasy collapses.
All you ask is the balance keeps intact,
and it passes the malice free of tax.
What you lack is a fallacy of acts;
even in passion you can't concede the facts:

You're a coward empowered in your head,
if you could you would shower in your bed,
stay frozen inside of your home and hold out hope that one day they'll pay for the things they've said.
But they won't if you stay upset,
gotta break down the walls that they protect.
You may forget the stress along the way,
the song just plays, project and spray 'til the staves are wet.

Get up, shake the crowd.
It don't matter what you say just make it loud.
Forget the patter when you play it takes an ounce
of fake prowess, fuck takin' a bow- take the chalice, make them proud.
This game's imbalanced and you could do it better.
Move 'em through it and do it to the letter.
Get up and groove and do remove your sweater,
screw the cheddar- never lose or let up, bounce.

But this promo's motivational.
It goes slow-mo, so rotational.
It's soul-crushing, a slow combustion of smoke and gushin'
but it's so insatiable.
I can't help what I'm dealt yes;
I'll never get wealth 'cause I'm selfless.
Delve into my psyche, you'll likely find my sense of self grimy and helpless.

I got issues like a magazine,
And I unload 'em 'til the clip's through,
'cause they've been dogging me, a bad holiday like a Shih Tzu (heh).
And I don't know the answer,
All I know's the show is going faster,
as I'm growin' old a solemn bastard
I think to fix me I gotta try to fix you.

[Chorus]

Peace.

Do As I Do

Little Things [Demo]

​This song is about the frustration found in trying to create something that I'm ultimately satisfied with - something perfect. It touches on my fear of lethargy, something imbued as a curse by my high-school report cards. It talks about my overall goals.

Watch the music video:
https://goo.gl/zqyqQq

Produced by @muletherapper

Lyrics:

[Verse One]
Now I ain't perfect
But I've been trying to work at it
So hard that I almost short circuited
So scarred from my post
Go so hard on the ropes
In the hopes that you wouldn't notice the circus net
I'm a pretender
A repeated offender
Of believing in dreams
That I don't have the means the render
instead of peaceful surrender
I seize the beast in the mirror
Proceed to feast on an era
That's free to release its splendour
I'm so blessed
So focused on what's next
That I don't cross necks with the jokers who try to choke us
Cause folks just
See hocus pocus emboss effects
In these lost texts
Come and watch Josh flex
But I can't find the time to find the answers
To the questions that are forever filling my stanzas
In this thick expanse never given the quickest chance
To ask so please run some suggestions past us
Here's a list that I've been keeping:
How come I no longer have good dreams when I'm sleeping?
How come I'm always living for the weekend?
How come when I'm nowhere near some bugs I can still feel em creeping?
How come I never finish what I'm speaking in the fear that somebody perceives me as a freak and
How come I never finish what I always never begin?
How come I got all of this my headphones in bed alone repeating?

[Chorus]
I'm stuck in a limbo where everything is fine
And I know what I'm into, and it's all intertwined
So I can ignore the urge to scorch the earth with my words
if i just sit and drink this wine
But we're living on the thinnest time
And we all want victory before we hit the finish line

[Verse Two]
Now I ain't struggling
but I've been onto something
it's hit the tip of my tongue for
many mondays in abundance
And I don't have as many fun days
as i did back with my cousins
in the summers as younger
hopeless blunder-amount-to-nothings
I used to believe any mountain could climb above it
And while i still do
been a bit of a switcheroo
because you pick the picture and pitch of the summit
and it's cheating if you keep on repeating
beatings you know that you can stomach
I'm an idealist, don't expect you to be damn impressed
but i am gonna see my dreams manifest
I know that I ain't fearless
but imma keep going and either keel over from realness a real mess or stand the test
And when i hit the age of wisdom
when all of my pages written
and i'm sipping aged whiskey from a cistern
i would like to brand my chest
after all the panicked stress
with the things that got me there
so that i don't miss them
I'm meandering
i got a plan or ten
to rock the planet
but i'd settle for some granite on my mantle
and a fan or friend
or a banner stand,
my candle wax is still ample just watch the ampersand

Avery

Perfect

Cover art by SANTACS.

[Lyrics]

(Hello God)
(Hello?)
(Is anybody there?)

We're just swimming in space,
singing the hymn of creation, in an embrace
A foul mouth has an imminent taste
But I'm forever swayed by your feminine grace

Never lacking lustre
Past the cusp of asking
If anyone really has to suffer
(Hello God)
Only when it's fell apart
there's the only introspection man can muster

Spontaneous plans combust
Every funeral is cancerous
Oh what a beautiful planet we have
Turn the plants to dust

Asking 'Do we have a purpose?'
Separated from the cattle by the urge to determine whether
there's a fella up there just waiting for him to surface
So we can pay him some service, yes

So we're going up to find him
The very act of which is dividing
Do we stay in hiding?
Holding out hope for guiding light
in the interplanetary cemetery in the night

Oh oh oh oh
Turn the page and,
is it a disgrace to be Pagan?
You can believe whatever lets you live
until death bereaves you of breath when you're ancient

Enter innovation 
Some people think that we're in a simulation
'Cause if we're ever gonna get to that stage ourselves
It must be programmed into our brainstem

So what's the basis for anything?
Is it the trail of every penny spent
I'll tell you what - whatever it was, or is,
or 'cause of whom, they ain't left us many hints

These are human impediments
It's what all my music's set against
If you think that you knew about said events
It's only you who'll be blue in sediment

If I can make my path then
I'd say my soul onus is to be laughing
Spread happiness in my passion
Through this kinda weird and raspy-type rapping.

Hello God (prod. by Zeiss)

​Investigating the big questions, a run-on freestyle to introduce you to me. Hi.

Watch the music video:
[Coming]

Produced by @muletherapper

Introducing

I write music as a form of personal therapy. Feel free to listen, too.

Avery

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