This song was written after seeing/hearing about several girls i'm friends with speak on relationships that fucked them up due to the abuse and manipulation. If you're in an abusive relationship in which you're questioning your happiness please get the hell out of it, you deserve better. 

Lyrics

She wonders if he loves her
is it because she's broken
when she's a token because she's a trophy
but no one listens closely
because she's beautiful, but she's hate herself

she's behind on bills, but she's lives for wealth
so she pops those pills just to wake up in the morning
to go to that 9-5 that's so fucking boring
because she's bored of her life
the thing she tried take a dozen times
because once she gets home that when she become's frozen
she lost her personality, from the lexapro
they think she's just boring and bitter
but she's the most adoring, and she won't quit to find happiness
happiness in love, happiness in trust
which results in her poor heartbroken
the abuse and manipulation, she's starting to adapt to
because she finds comfort in the one who hurts her
but she deserves better
she deserves so much better

She wonders if he loves her
is it because she's broken
when she's a token because she's a trophy
but no one listens closely
because she's beautiful, but she's hate herself

She's drunk off love, high of hate
because the look in his eyes, brings her to their first date
So she forces herself through pain, because she doesn't realize she's not happy
she thinks she's too much to maintain, so she keeps quiet
she's thinking of leaving but has to hide it
so she just sits in her bed with tears down her eyes
with those red lines on her thighs
because she wants to be treated like a prize
but everyday she wakes up she just wants to die

because she hates herself.

Broken (prod. DatBoiDJ)

This is the self titled track for my upcoming mixtape December 21st.

Lyrics:
December 21st, day I get lowered into the dirt
I'm just a selfish coward tired of flirting with death
Because she a mess that results in a fucked up head
I'm tired of being pressed up against this bed
Cuz I have no fucking energy left
Because my life starting to feel like i'm playing jeopardy
I just don't think this shit was meant for me
Not to be overly dramatic, I just think it's best
Cause you can't miss what you forget is what I keep telling myself
so I push my friends away so I can't seek fucking help
Because I don't want them to see me the same way I see myself
I'm already overwhelmed with the pain that I dealt
So I just roll in the deep end of my mind like my name was adele
Lock myself in this room like a fucking jail cell
Because every day I fell fucking trapped, with no way of getting out
While these nigga's walking around to get some clout
I'm over here trying to find reasons to love myself
Or else the date I set in my phone two years ago will become a reality
Because you see this date has no significance
Not a birthday, or a holiday
But the worst the day for my friends and family
that'll hit them harder than an earthquake, but i'm the only casualty 

Because the work days are the worst days
So I sip on cough syrup, because the demons thirsty

All I think about is myself, so I callout every other fucking day
Without thinking about my coworkers struggling, that pray I'll show up
But I can't do this shit, when all I want to do is throw up
These thoughts, sucked the fucking life out of me
It's gotten to the point I can't speak to my parents clearly
I'm severely fucked up, and I don't think anyone can help me
All the self destruction, will just end up with me lonely
I'll die by myself, with a mind this corrupt
Because I've got a blurred reality
I feel like I'm lost inside a body, that I know isn't me
I can't even help myself and that thought is fucking scary
So now that's you've listened to this diary
All I want to say, is on December 21st, everyone i'm sorry.

Because the work days are the worst days
So I sip on cough syrup, because the demons thirsty

December 21st (Prod. Oni)

Everyday that goes by I want to take my life
and every dollar spent, I try to feel satisfied
Because I'm struggling to get by, I'm struggling to get by

I went to get help, I tried therapy
But with a bottle still in my hand, I realized it might not be meant for me
Cuz no matter how much I vent, these demon's won't leave
When every panic attack gets harder, just leads to me struggling to breathe
When every night gets longer, and I start to get less sleep
And every single plate, leads me not to eat
Because I'm sick of myself, I'm sick of living
So I hide behind the smile to make sure what's inside of me is hidden
Because once everyone see's inside that's when they start leaving

Everyday that goes by I want to take my life
and every dollar spent, I try to feel satisfied
Because I'm struggling to get by, I'm struggling to get by

When I start to get too high, and these thoughts get to scary
They start to traumatize me, like my name was carrie 
But it's just me in this shower, with the blood all around me
Where no one here's my screams, except the demon's that surrond me
As they dance around laughing, and stomp on my grave
and auction off my casket, so my body won't be saved
I fall down this hole, and they just stare and wave
Til I wake up and realize it's just the damn despair that enslaves me

Everyday that goes by I want to take my life
and every dollar spent, I try to feel satisfied
Because I'm struggling to get by, I'm struggling to get by

Because if I end it, will my friends forgive me
If I end, how much will my family Reminisce my existence 
Will they reflect on our last conversation, and wish we weren't so distant 
When will the greiving stop, and every one be coexistent 
I'm sorry I tried, but I'm finally concieving 
That this life's not for me, and now everyone know's my reason
This whole thing was for you, now that I'm finally leaving

Everyday that goes by I want to take my life
and every dollar spent, I try to feel satisfied
Because I'm struggling to get by, I'm struggling to get by

Outro (prod. 3owon)

Black families

They think black families are about the cookouts, but I gotta speak about some shit that they don't talk about
Like how they hide behind mascunlity so they don't have to show the pain inside
Or the denial of the shit that goes on in my mind
Depression, insomnia, and anxiety, all these illnesses ain't really inside of me
Because that can't see it, yet they look up to some God to heal me, how ironic
So I stay up late, smoking on this chronic, looking at a blank phone
Asking myself should I fucking end it, if I go through with it pops gonna be dissapointed he won't see me in heaven
Some fantasy, that I don't even believe in. But since I believed that shit when I was seven, I'm a liar. 
So I put on a fake smile, even though I'm in need of dire care
I try therapy, and they send me where?
To get pills that I know I'll take advantage of when shit gets rough
This the shit they drilling in my brain, because the help I really need just drives me insane
I'm on a road with no fucking purpose of where to go
Pops ahamed because I'm not like these other folks
Got a goood job, getting a good degree, so he just pretends to be 
Happy with a son, who secretely a fuck up, who has no dreams to see
I'm drowning, I'm drowning, in this fucking sea
I'm counting, I'm counting, til this case I plea
This case that ends up being my life, the thing I tried to take twice
Because no ammount of sympathy can make up for this fucking vice
That I'm living, because every single day I'm giving false hope
To my friends, family, and even my inner demons who have all gave me reasons to stay
But I can't stand to have to struggle through another fucking day
Because instead of asking what's wrong, they say I'm acting out
So I apologize and say i'm tired when suicidal thoughts on my mind
Or else i'm catching an attitude, when in reality I'm setting a date on which death will greet me
Because I can't live anymore, or else I let down my self
No I can't live anymore, or I let down everybody else


So we have to cope with weed, and a bottle of hennessy
To stop us from stompin on that throttle
due to the suicide tendencies
That the rest of our families can't see, they just can't see

Black Families (prod. grand camp beats)

Mama I'm sorry, mama I'm sorry x8

I know it hurt you when I told you to hide the medicine
I know it pains you seeing me this bad again
I'm sorry I don't reply whenever you talk to me
I'm sorry I can't satifsy you and pops and make you proud of a son
Shit, I wouldn't be proud of me either
My thoughts are starting to get louder than this reefer
Where being high only makes things worse
I'm sorry I won't get the meds from the nurse
I'm sorry I won't get the meds from the nurse
But nothing can heal this hurt
Nothing can heal this hurt
It's been 10 years, and i'm getting lower into the dirt
6 feet under, death's finally greeted me to come over
To the side in which my happiness may come alive
Because I can no longer deal with this fucking pain inside
So it's time to kill the demons in my mind
I'm sorry everyone I left behind


I'm sorry everyone I left behind

Mama I'm sorry, mama I'm sorry x8

I'm sorry to my friend's who loved me til the very end
The one's who couldn't even pretend that my pain was nonexistent
The one's who showed me the love to try to fix it 
But no one can heal me, not even myself
Life hasn't appealed to me for years, even after trying to get help
But it was never the help that I needed
No, never the help I needed
I just couldn't find a reason
I couldn't find a reason
Everyday I keep myself alive longer, it's like i'm taking a beating
They keep telling me to stay strong and I'll conquer
But every step of happiness I get feels like I'm cheating
I don't deserve to be happy, when everyday's a bad day like conker
I don't deserve to be happy, says these damn thoughts that wander
At night when I try to connect the dots, to try to see the picture
December 21st, may come quicker
I'm sorry everyone who's seen me at my worse

I'm sorry to everyone who i've hurt

Mama I'm sorry

I'm Sorry (prodbymane)

mama i promise I'll try not to cause you any trauma
I'll put the drama on myself because I don't know where else to go. 
I have a car outside on the road that i may crash on purpose, but it's not your fault so don't blame it on yourself. 
My hands are shaking I just wish I could still be a kid when monsters lived under you bed and not in your head. 
Because now you can't pull the cover up to hide from them they're always there. 
If I told you that you would just tell me "It's okay, you need to know GOD is always there". That's why I kept to myself because that's not what I need. 
I used to fake being religious just to please you. But all this shit i'm saying now you just say is a lie because apparently i'm just a liar 
put me through some dire straits. We're just brothers in arms makin money for what? 
To spend it on shit we don't really need, or pay for a date for someone you don't really care about, or to get a taxi cab to bring you around the round about 
because you're not in the mental state to drive on your own. 
It was so much easier as a kid, because once you start understanding the world it gets worse. 
When you have family members stealing from your mothers purse just to get drugs that you can't get from a nurse. 
Or having to see your best friend get carried off in a hearse because they were prounounced dead after a suicide attempt. 
Except I was that best friend and I'm still tempted. But after seeing your best friend cry that shit hurts more then a bullet. It's not worth it again so man screw it.

Interlude (prod. miyamigo)

She said friends aren't for problems, go seek therapy
I'm only saying this because everything say has to be said carefully
I'm scared to hurt you, i'm scared to hurt you
You're just a burden to me, clinging onto me heavily
Why are you doing this, is it out of jealousy?
I still remember the day you started comparing me
To your ex, I guess that's how you really see me huh
Just because I want to kill myself doesn't mean it's because of you uh
That's funny, because when I fucking needed you there you were no where to be found
"We have a different perspective of friendship" we're never going to agree
She always said that so ignorantly, but couldn't see the significance 
Because I can't do this anymore, the questioning of my happiness
as of lately I've been on the fence, of which road to take
my life, or to partake in seeing what rest is in store for me

Well I took your advice, I took your advice
You said I always told my friends lies, that's why they had this view of you
But even my therapist said, cut her out of your life
What's the purpose, of putting love into someome who shows no effort
I just had too much love for you like a sheep to a shepard
Your talk was always cheap, with an half ass apology
But ever since that shit happened I can't see you the same
Because put all my effort trying to build you up
To try to get you to love yourself again, but at the end of it
You just tore me down
You tore me down

You went back and forth, and back and forth
Between your head and your feelings to stop the emotions
But didn't think of the hurt, which was the cause of the commotion
Because it was always about what you said, and not the shit that you did
Actions speak louder than words, as you switch up out of self satisfaction
Towards the end I just wanted a friendship, but you left me for each and every boy
That you happened to mention
You're happy now, I guess you don't need me
As of lately, I've been starting to see through your lies more cleary
It's been two months, I guess you've been busy
I guess that's why you gave up the effort, and put on a front
But now I've just grown weary
To see you do this to someone else, who I care about dearly
Because he see's you the same way, I saw you and that's what fears me


I don't love you anymore
And I mean that sincerely

I Told My Therapist About You (prod. gloomy snake)

I got the sadness in my eyes, the happiness in my smile, I haven't been happy for a while no
I got the sadness in my eyes, I think I'd rather die soon


Where has happiness gone, I check the calendar everyday like it's a damn milestone
As I look at a date on a phone, on December 21st that say's in big letters DON'T
No please don't do it, you can make it Andre, please don't do it woah
You got big dreams, please persue it, but it just comes back to me sayin screw it
Shit, I mean what even makes me happy anymore?
When waking up every morning becomes a fucking chore, due to this neverending storm that won't leave me alone
Because it's all pourin, so I try to put on a fake smile so I can finally reform
Act like I'm better, when shit's gettin worse
Maybe this smile will carry me til the day I'm getting carried of in a damn hearse

I got the sadness in my eyes, the happiness in my smile, I haven't been happy for a while no
I got the sadness in my eyes, I think I'd rather die soon

I mean shit nigga do you really want to let your friends down again?
The one's who show you love til the very fucking end?
Can you afford to see your best friend cryin at the side of your bed?
Who had to show your own fucking father, a message sayin his son might be dead. 
Well nigga, maybe you really are fucked in the head
Because after all the tears shed, and blood bled you still rather die huh?
The only way you can fucking apply yourself is if you high huh?
Well if you came here to kill I guess you gonna have to die too
But just think of think shit that happens when you finally breakthrough
When you finally breakthrough

Cuz you can really make nigga, I promise you got dreams that will make you bigger
But if you really want to end this, you still gonna pull that trigger 
But just know that your ignorance is bliss, because if you really go through with it you gonna be missed
You got a niece and nephew you'll never see get big
You gonna have family one day with some beautiful kids
But nigga you really gotta be the bigger man here, so please just wait another day and realize you wanna live

Sadness (prod. by slumped)

I come from a loving home, til it comes to these thoughts when I'm alone
Pops don't understand why I lie in bed all day, he can't understand why I want to take my life 
the way I did back in 2013,and now that I'm 20.
They realize the pain, the pain that's lived in me since I was only 12 years old
Every since, I've just been a heartless soul. Who lives alone, with no place called home
Telling them to hide the pills starting to feel more like a chore then a cry for help.
Because it's too fucking hard to show the one's who birthed me into world, that their son lost the appeal. 
To live
So I tell them I'm okay, I just didn't get much sleep to try to find a reason to get them off my case.
It's gotten to the point I can't look my own mother in her own face
Because she sees the pain in my eyes, so she tries to find a reason to find a smile
But nothing comes out, and it's been that damn way for a while
Pops want's me to get pills, pops wants me to get pills
But I know as soon as they get in to my hands I'm gonna be poppin em till my mind stop hoppin
Until my heart stoppin from beatin, without telling anyone the fucking reason
Because I don't want anyone to help me, for I can't help myself
I'm just a pyschopathic selfish motherfucker with no dreams for himself
So I send everyone a message saying I love you, and keep saying I'm sorry 
Til I realize everyone starts to fucking worry
I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't even know if I want to hurt myself
But when my mind takes over, I can only think of my farewell 

My farewell

Will I go to heaven or will I go to hell
I don't believe in angels, I don't believe in blessings
But I believe in demons, for they live inside my prescense 
As they fight my mind for the acceptance, because they want to be loved
But my head fucking hates them, so I try to cut off the entrance
Which lives me in a bed, holding back pills with resistance
As I feel myself transcending, through this battle I see a message
That says "don't do this, please call me I love you" 

So I try to lessen these thoughts and know the hurt that will occur
But I can't see the screen anymore, everything I see is just a blur
As I try to speak on the phone with this fucking slur
With my friend who tries to give me reasons why I should want to live
But every word that comes out I feel myself leaving
Til I stop replying, and my heart stops beatin


How can I believe in God, with this much on plate
Well shit, it makes sense why I've been missing meals but
No one should have to comptemplate if their life's worth living
or think they'd be better off leaving 
with the concern about the ammount of fucking grieving 
of hurting anyone else, including themselves
when it's fucking time for their farewell

Their farewell

Will I go to heaven or will I go to hell
I don't believe in angels, I don't believe in blessings
But I believe in demons, for they live inside my prescense 
As they fight my mind for the acceptance, because they want to be loved
But my head fucking hates them

Lost In My Mind  (prod. conekt)

I'm a rapper and songwritter from Panama City, FL. I'm not giving up til the youngin makes it

AWALFL

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