(Photo credit: Alex Dunn)

Words:

In my genes I have my father's depression and my mother's anxiety. These diseases blend together the way my parents did, unevenly. At times I am overwhelmingly happy around beautiful people and other times I am as ugly as I feel. When I am ugly, it is called expressionlessness.

Like my father, depression cuts into me slowly like knives that are sharpened to get the point across or an endless ether of unfulfilled relationships with people I cannot trust, no matter how much I may want to. It's a quiet sort of sadness on my father's face that won't leave mine alone, silent acceptance to seem less unbecoming. I share varicose veins and I plan to leave this world the same way I came into it, screaming out of irritability, for the sole sake of irritability and nothing else.

As for my mother, we are both anxious messes and as a result are manipulative people. I cannot let anyone live their life unless I specifically know how they are living their life. I so deeply engrave myself into the air bubble of the lives of those I love and I take and take and take and take until there is no more oxygen, ultimately suffocating love for a quieter space. I share eating habits and a distraught sense of self due to both of us being abused at young age by someone we didn't know well enough. Never fully in moments, hours will pass like seconds and simultaneously we will complain about all we have to do.

But nothing will ever finish. We will always be the same people, meant to spend our lives repeating the same mistakes and falsely labeling it as growth.

I am the blend. I have expressionlessness. 

expressionlessness

"i lost my childhood to you"

i will spend my life in your room, realizing that all i'll ever be is a victim of your body. 

i lost my childhood to you 
i lost my childhood to you 
i lost my childhood to you 
i lost my childhood to you 

my, oh my, how i have lost. a part of my self is gone.

FEAR NOT - i lost my childhood to you

"you are what i want"

Photo by Jonathan Baron

you are what i want [version]

you are what i want

how i feel about you || why it matters

Critter & Guitari Organelle + pedals through logic || November 2017

a minimalistic musing about you

written & recorded on my four-track 12.9.17
dedicated to the snow falling for mercury during retrograde

words:

i love you
i'm no one
the snow falls
i'm someone

i'm stuck in retrograde
i'm losing my perspectives
it's loving reassurance that nothing ever ends
i thought you were no one
i thought i was someone
my car broke down that night
to show me i was no one

i love you
were you no one?
the snow falls
are you someone?

were you someone?

i love you mercury

recorded 2/16/18 in the hours between 12 and 5 am

a Craigslist missed connection
https://newyork.craigslist.org/search/mis

"I wait, do you understand that??? - w4m"

I don't know what else to say
I say a lot, don't listen to that
But still, all the same 

.....

You say something and then 
I am waiting, for you 

It hurts, it really does
SOMEDAYS, I CRY STILL

I am learning to believe 
The opposite of what you say 

This hurts it really does 
I'm getting use to thus treatment tho

I don't think I will ever be given the chance 
To SHOW You, I Really Do Care, For You 

And that thought hurts
It hurts a lot 

Cause I have loved you
Since I met you 

And all I wanna do is love you
The best that I am capable of 

I wish, I could show you my best 
I wish, I was Givin a chance 
To say show express 
I
Love
You


Will someone please explain this mission to me so that I may have a fighting chance 
Am I not worth the effort???, or am I worth it???, or am I just another frame in your game???
Still waiting on the day He sees my frame and equips it for play 

I love him
And I am so much inpain 
Waiting and loving him
From the sidelines 

*sidelinedchick*


And still
I write you
Regardless 
How I feel

Missing loving 
You 
Always 
Even through 
My heartack

I wait, do you understand that??? - w4m (missed connection)

Recorded on a Sunday morning in May 2018

i know i must work, but today i want to be in love and today i want to bask in the sunlight

for now i want sunlight

rotten apple cores

quiet demo of a song for the next LP. used my four track as a pre amp and i think the track sounds pretty warm overall

"sarah knows about my bias"

sarah braids her hair when
we drive to long island
we're gonna dance with white kids
she asks if i'm angry
she's crushin on a white boy
his parents are racists
sarah knows about my bias
she pulls at her skin 'til she bleeds

sarah don't be angry
my words are but caution
remember all the last ones
how they never really want ya
said you're better off pregnant
than him learning spanish
sarah do you remember
the one month you didn't bleed?

how it wouldn't mean a lot to him
you had to tell it all to me
sarah i'm not crazy
he'll look at you differently
cuando vas a entender
my words are not violence
privilege is blinding
she pulls at her skin 'til she bleeds

oh sarah,
cuando vas a entender?
nunca vas a querer
pues nunca vas a entender

sarah knows about my bias (demo)

For Helen

Words:

i am writing from astoria
first snow of the year
and it's girls day
and all we've got is time
breadcrumbs and time
but what i want is you
all i want is you
here on the front lawn

long live the breadcrumbs
the stillness of my mom
live with me forever
in the garden where i'm young

come on eat the flowers
they can live with you forever
lets grow old together
like all we've got is time

long live the breadcrumbs
the stillness of my mom
live with me forever
in the garden where i'm young

live with me forever

FEAR NOT OURSELVES ALONE

https://fearnotourselvesalone.bandcamp.com

formerly:
https://personalitydisorders.bandcamp.com/
https://closets.bandcamp.com/
https://secretestcrush.bandcamp.com/

blush bloom breath

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