“How many hoops do you have to jump through just to get a meeting with the Chief of Carbonated Beverage? We met with his gatekeeper for five hours and learned all the numbers. And I said to him: ‘If you could give one-sixth of one percent of one percent to my organization, would you do it?’ And he considered it for a moment. He looked at me and said: ‘We are going to go ahead and proceed with rejecting your proposal.’ So the rest of the meeting was awkward, which is the same outcome you’ll get without lobbying, so why bother? ‘Why bother lobbying?’ I asked. And he pointed to the sign behind him and started reading: ‘If you want a free ride, you’ve got to pay for it first.’”

Free Ride

“I was a famous music producer. But the haters and tattletales said the sub-bass was too mainstream. Too suburban. Too Buzzcutronica. My mom started calling me ‘Dubstep Mario.’ Ever since, there’s been a habit of me surfing the internet and scaring people. I became a person on drugs. People started calling me ‘Junkie Mario.’ That’s how it was for awhile. I was scared every day. I joined dangerous gangs and I got my head chopped off. My assailant started calling me ‘Headless Mario.’ My friends weren’t too excited about my new look. They thought it was weird. But one girl told me: ‘It’s smart. You changed it up.’ We’ve been together now eleven years.”

Dubstep Mario

“My mom came from Nicaragua and got her nails done at this French salon. The guy next to her saw me decimate a bunch of cocaine, and said: ‘That’s a tough motherfucker right there.’ I said: ‘No problem. You can call me Monopoly Plus.’”

Monopoly Plus

“We’ve been together for two years, but I’ve recently moved in with my girlfriend. And I’m finding it hard to fully comprehend how difficult it is. I’m doing my best to convince myself that she’s not a Preoccupied Philosopher of Her Own Sublime Style. She studied philosophy for three years, and even though she’s a philosophy master, she’s always melting down whenever any of her ideas get criticized. Amanda checks all the right boxes. She likes fringe ideas. She hates mainstream culture. And she sees incredible amounts of suffering in the world. But it seems like she only has the capacity to inflict that suffering upon other people.”

Amanda

“I was in Germany last week for a science fiction and literary festival, and there were these two guys on stage who did nothing but talk about how amazing they are. One of them had a ponytail. The other one had a ponytail. I sat in the front row. I tried to ask them about their art, but they just grunted and cocked their heads at me. I felt really foolish. And when I finally spoke to them later that night, I had a lovely little verse prepared: ‘When cooler heads prevail, and you’re not yet one-hundred years old. When you witness the triple whammy of infinity, and you cry out for a familiar face. I will appear to you, savoring the fruits of your birthright. Let my vengeance be your pillow. And justice your deathbed.’”

BoNY Readings