Kinves Out

A jivety-jive track with some jivety-jive vocals made entirely by conniving machines that seek to reduce humanity to nothing more than robots of flesh and bone instead of wires and bolts. 

Misfortunate Secretary

A figure dressed in black was seen trespassing on several properties in the neighborhood last night. Fortunately no serious incidents were reported this morning but the severed stems protruding from the freshly planted peonies and rosebushes along May Street are the cornerstone of breakfast conversation at the Canyon Café.

Flowers For Your Birthday

You probably don't want to eat the potatoes.

Baby Boy Blues

Greetings to all you jogging junkies! I know you're all very excited for Saturday's Jogging For Jesus 5K and I want to make sure you've all been made aware of the updated route. As you all know, the original route ran along every church in the Downtown Area. Unfortunately we will no longer be able to pass by the First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) due to a young man who seems to be mentally unstable and refuses to leave the Church's curb. Although he has only ranted and raved at passersby so far, it appears he could become violent. He has been described to the authorities as a male around 20 years of age of an underwhelming height with a long, outdated haircut. They will be monitoring the rest of the route in case the crazed man decides to migrate to another church. A map of the new route can be found in all participating churches. Anyways, good luck out there and have fun!

God's Gutter

Hello everyone and happy Saturday!

I hope you all had as much fun at the Jogging For Jesus 5K as I did. Congratulations to the Johnson family for taking 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 54th place, way to go! As we head into September (boy does time fly!) I'd like to remind you that it has been declared STD prevention month. We will be holding several seminars at the church over the next few weeks designed to educate our youngsters about the dangers of sex in hopes of saving their delicate souls from eternal damnation (and herpes!). Exciting! For those who don't know, this decision was made after Billy Johnson was caught listening to an extremely inappropriate and distasteful song entitled "Sin City" (what a dumb name!) on the morning of our incredibly successful 5K. I don't presume to know the ways in which our Lord and Savior works but perhaps Billy would have done a smidge better than 54th had he not burdened himself with the weight of sin. Anyhoo, I've attached the track to this email so you can all pray for Billy's soul accordingly. I'll see you all early tomorrow morning, have a wholesome evening!

Sin City

A cover of Jubilee Street by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

Jubilee Street

I Am The Engineer
I Am The Overseer
I Am The Cattle Gun And
I Am The Steer

The Engineer

The Engineer (Intro)

Hello all!

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the brief newsletter hiatus. Sometime in January, I decided to take an evening stroll and I must have taken a wrong turn because I soon found myself lost in the most ungodly of places! I was surrounded by the humongous, rust ridden towers that stretched towards the heavens like one thousand wicked Babels. Tattooed heathens in black leather garb slunk about the litter filled streets and shouted the most obscene things! Enormous black rodents, wet with the runnings of garbage, scurried beneath my feet; signs of the plague that will undoubtedly befall that impious land. The horror was such that I hardly recall how I escaped, though I've no doubt it was by God's majestic hand.

Anyways, I am thrilled to be back in our merry little town, with our merry little church, filled with merry little people (no offense meant to dear Mr. Elridge who, as you all know, suffers from dwarfism). Though it seems that there is no pressing news to announce, I am delighted to inform you that the church is offering 50% off of our splendidly reviewed Remedy For The Thin Skinned. This is a limited offer so don't wait, buy! Buy! BUY! Details for ordering can be found in the attachment above.

Best wishes to you all and I will see you on Sunday!

P.S. Don't forget that this week's Sunday service is crazy hair day!

Remedy For The Thin Skinned

Hello all,

     I'd like to start by clearing the air between myself and Mrs. Mulligan. As you all witnessed last Sunday, her and I got into a rather heated argument concerning the victor of the crazy hair day contest. Although your votes brought me and Mrs. Mulligan to a draw, I thought it only right that I won the contest. After all, I spent hours preparing! I used an assortment of mixed media, glues, dyes, and even went so far as to shave parts of my head! Did she think that those bald spots would grow back the next day? Did she take any such bold measures to style her hair? I think not! In fact, I wouldn't have even called her hair crazy, I would have called it flamboyant, perhaps eccentric, bot certainly not CRAZY! It was my impression that she had won so many votes on the grounds that her aesthetically pleasant planetary themed bob was pleasing to look at! For that, I give her credit. But, was this imaginative, aesthetically pleasing looking hair day? No! It was CRAZY hair day, and no one looked so crazy as I with my dangling fishhooks, multicolored duct tape, and bald spots. However, I understand that many of you don't agree with me and that is why I have officially crowned Mrs. Mulligan the winner of crazy hair day. Congratulations to her and I hope she's pleased with herself.

     Now, for more important news. Mr. Hatridge has begun a petition to have our beloved Terminal Bitch painting removed from the apse of the Church. Mrs. Aldridge has also begun a petition to shut down Mr. Hatridge's petition. She argues that the painting, though violent and somewhat dark, is purely metaphorical and must not be removed from its place above the altar. Mr. Hatridge denies this and has called it, "Ugly, misogynistic garbage," and even tried to tear it down himself last Tuesday. The Church Board will wait for the outcome of these petitions before determining the painting's final resting place. Please refrain from vandalizing the painting in the meantime.

That is all for this week's newsletter. Thank you all for your continued attendance and may the Lord smile upon you

P.S. - For the unobservant among you, I have attached a digital copy of the painting above so that you may make up your own mind.

Terminal Bitch

Body Is A Bone

My name is Britton Lohse. This is a collection of some songs I have written, recorded, and played live in a basement for that special Lo-Fi basement sound we've all come to love so much. Nothing beats the subtle ambiance of a toilet releasing its contents through the pipes above your head. Enjoy.

britlohse@yahoo.com


Britton Lohse

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