i wanna learn the clockwork to your head. 
i wanna watch your gears grind. 
your fears and anxieties lingering like an hour hand. 
i'll try to speed them up the best that i can. 
i wanna see every nook and observe every rotation.. 
every rotation of your rawest human emotions. 

second hands clicking like a trigger. 
exploding like the sun. 

i can stare into your eyes forever. 
and i can stare into your mind forever. 
so what am i supposed to do when i don't want this to end? 
when i'd rather be tranquilized with you than do anything else ever again..

dinner and a k-hole

i want to feel the intangible. 
i want everything to be fine. 
i want to trade in my body and 
i want to trade in my mind. 

and i'd lay down in my bed 
when i was just a little kid 
and i'd pray and pray and pray 
about the horrible things that "god" did. 

i want to feel the intangible. 
i want everything to be fine. 
i want to trade in my body and 
i want to trade in my mind. 

trapped in the skin i've been placed in. 
trapped in the skin i've been placed in. 
i'm doing time in my mind... 

just a disconnected piece. 
i am invisible. 

crawling one step at a time. 
sitting on the sidelines. 
i never read the guidelines. 
saying everything is fine. 
i'm doing time in my mind. 
i'm doing time in my mind. 
etc 
etc

invisible skin

well i guess i'm a young adult. and "young adult" is right. because i look a little bit older. but feel fucking immature. i'm just drifting around. wasting my brain power. i'll probably fall back asleep in another half an hour. well i got good grades in grade school. this made me feel accomplished. and i'd play video games and be satisfied when i beat them. but now i don't know how to measure success inside or if i'm driving well on this fucked up crazy ride. well i'm working a couple jobs now. i feel okay when i get paid. but i still feel hollow at the end of the day. they told me follow your dreams you can be anything. a doctor or a scientist or a pediatrician. but i don't know what i wanna be or even my beliefs. i guess i gotta cling to something and see where it takes me. i can travel other countries, try to help out the world. or be a social worker, help out orphaned boys and girls. i can be a hedonist and do lots of drugs. or work a desk job fixing computer bugs. i can pursue money, try my best to be rich. or try to start a family and be a monogamist. i can pursue money, try to get a good career. or i can pursue freedom do whatever i feel. 

i just want to be happy and do what i want, but nothing makes me happy and i don't know what i want. 

sometimes i really wish i was just one of those kids. who has their life planned out. don't live with too much doubt. find a path and keep burning bright, just be content and keep living life. but i could never be like this. my life's one big existential crisis. one day i see the human race and i'm glad to be alive. and the next i wanna separate myself, go far away and hide. one moment i want to leave everything, travel all around the land. and the next i wanna get a place to live with all of my friends. one moment i have faith, and feel spiritual. and the next i feel bleak because i know i'm gonna rot in a hole. and then i try to tell myself that i'm just being dramatic. but then i start to think that i actually have some kind of problem. one moment i will be content and proud of my life and the next i feel depressed staring at the big knife in the dish room as i wash the dishes contemplating my life. and someone will ask "how you doing today" and i'll tell them that "i'm doing okay" but what else am i gonna say? that this pit in my stomach is starting to get way too big and i'm starting to believe that i don't know how to live? but i really am okay because my body's working fine and i still am capable of utilizing my mind. i have some awesome friends, and a couple decent jobs. so why do i feel like i'm gonna throw up? 

well i just wanna be happy and do what i want. 
but nothing makes me happy and i don't know what i want.

life is the stupidest shit but it's hilarious

waking up in an empty room 
I tell myself I'll change it soon 
I've got some things I need to do 
but I'll never accomplish them 

I'm not the best at anything 
I am not reaching all my dreams 
in a world of seven billion 
what's the point of living 

I'm losing my grip 
I'm feeling worthless 
squandered potential 

been here 25 years 
I thought by now I'd be 
effecting people's lives or something 
be someone important 

but I haven't done much 
it's impressive just to leave bed 
I'm amazed when I actually 
do something productive 

her dilated pupils stared into my soul 
i was 17 in a blacklight room with no control 
she told me about her life 
she said she felt like 
squandered potential 

my friend she tried to kill herself a couple weeks ago 
she used to paint and draw, she was one of the best artists I knew 
but she got weighed down and lost control of herself 
she didn't have a safety net or help from anyone else 

I don't know how she feels 
but I pretend that I do 
she probably wants a different life 
and I think I do too 
squandered potential...

squandered potential

sometimes it's hard to breathe 
sometimes it's hard to see the truth of anything 
sometimes it's hard to feel good about your life 
sometimes it's hard to feel good about your life 

sometimes it's hard to feel 
sometimes it's hard to understand what is real 
sometimes it's hard to feel good about your life 
sometimes it's hard to feel good about your life 

i am fading away 
i am wasting away 
etc

sometimes it's hard

i am 25 and so stupid 
everything that i do is so selfish 
the world is warming up 4 degrees now 
why should i even bother 

i woke up feeling so manic 
is it the last day of this shit yet 
i ate a pretzel and said i was fine 
driving in my truck i'll see you later 

i am just a run of the mill human 
just another mindless consumer 
i can't wait to spend some more money 
i need something to eat, i'll see you later

c u later

sometimes i need a friend 
sometimes i need a friend 
most times i act like i don't need anyone 
but sometimes i need a friend 

i live in a house with 8 other people 
most of the time they are surprisingly quiet 
sometimes i hear them having fun 
i don't wanna deal with them, i'll just stay here in my room 

sometimes i need a friend 
sometimes i need a friend 
most times i act like i don't need anyone 
but sometimes i need a friend 

jay always tries to make small talk with me 
i don't say much back, not usually 
maybe i'm just a product of new england 
maybe i am just a total asshole 

sometimes i need a friend 
sometimes i need a friend 
most times i act like i don't need anyone 
but sometimes i need a friend

new england asshole

moved to another new city 
i probably won't be here very long 
texas, utah, oregon, what's next 
still don't really know my rights from wrongs 

i feel tired 
i am losing 
overwhelming 
i can't do this 

i'm leaving a trail of broken dreams 
life is never really what it seems 
i fall in love everywhere that i go 
i fall in love with people i don't know 

i need outside 
validation 
choke me harder 
and i'll feel okay

people i don't know

i don't know how to talk to you 
i don't know how to ask you if you're okay 
my friends always feel the need to tell me things 
seems like they're just happier than us these days 

well i don't know how to talk to you 
i don't know how to be there when you need me 
it feels like the only time you see me 
is when you turn your head to the side and look at me differently

well last night 
i think i lost my patience 
last night 
i got high as the expectations 
last night 
i came to a realization 
and i hope you can take it 
i hope you can take it 

i'm too good to you 
i'm way too good to you 
you take my love for granted 
i just don't understand it 

i don't know how to talk to you 
i just find myself getting lost with you 
you make me work too hard for you 
and i still can't get across to you 

well last night 
i think i lost my patience 
last night 
i got high as the expectations 
last night 
i came to a realization 
and i hope you can take it 
i hope you can take it 

i'm too good to you 
i'm way too good to you 
you take my love for granted 
i just don't understand it

too good (drake)

22 years past and i didn't know what to do 
i screamed and screamed and jumped out my mother's womb 
crying and screaming i felt just like a fool 

16 years later and i didn't know what to do 
i screamed and screamed my heart out to a girl that i knew 
crying and screaming i felt just like a fool 

2 more years passed and i didn't know what to do 
i screamed and screamed about death on the floor of a hotel room 
crying and screaming i felt just like a fool 
crying and heaving i felt just like a fool 
again 

well my eyes still cry every once in a while 
it's bound to happen but it always makes me feel like a child 
and in my day to day world the screaming doesn't stop 
but instead of screaming at the air i learned to sing songs 
it's a step up, i guess it's more respectable and formal 
and it helps to make my brain and thoughts feel more normal 
so if i'm a lousy singer i'm sorry for the noise 
and if men don't cry i was never one of the boys anyways 

and i've got no clue what my future holds 
i get so down i get caught up in the noise 
i think about my dreams and i try to work hard 
but the reality is is that i'm way too far 
i get the feeling that i am not enough 
and i am crying in my head but i'll pretend that i'm tough 
i guess i'll just try to trudge right on 
i guess i'll sit down and write another song 
and 
i don't know anything 
but i wish that i did 
i'll try not to give up 
i don't want to give in

if boys don't cry i was never one of the boys anyways

i want freedom, not a boss that comes in a forty ounce bottle of anything or taped scotch paper 
i eat meat and drive trucks and shoot guns and don't trust in the federal government to solve our problems 
you might think i'm joking, but i'm not a republican 
call me when your president pulls out of afghanistan, because that's the day i'll get a cell phone number, and you can call and leave a message on voice mail that day 

i fell asleep smoking so i'd wake up on fire, because that might get me out of bed for a while and back into battle with the things that i breathe, and the holes in my brain, and the way that i think 
and if freedom is doing what i want, well that means i gotta know what is, not just what it isn't. so i'll dig up the dirt and i'll throw down some seeds, because the world needs more spinach, not more motherfuckers like me

we are all compost in training (ramshackle glory)

i hate my body most times 
the flesh i'm stuck in is burning 
i can't relate to most people 
or maybe i am just so stubborn 

sick flesh 
and dying friends 
and broken hands 
and stupid things 

and mixed up feelings or something 

flying in the top of my mind 
dissociation has always been my life 
call me a bitch and smack me in the face 
i just need something that is true and honest 

sick flesh...

sick flesh

i'm dandy
i'm dandy
i'm fine and dandy
dandelying

follow me through this empty lot
a lot of it is dirty but a lot of it is not
i swear
but now i forgot
i write my name down and burn it on the spot
i wear my hair so messily 
and golden bones sprout out of me
but i'm just a weed, a contagious disease
i don't comprehend why they all talk to me

i'm dandy
so dandy
i'm fine and dandy
dandeyling

i grip my teeth, i grab my sleeves
the radio ladys on to me
she knows i hide my gold bones underneath 
the dandelion patch because

i'm so dandy
i'm so fine and dandy
dandeylying

my body is covered in honey
i can't see the honeybees
clmbing in and out of me
my eyes are covered in dandelion leaves
i'm drooling, feeling it
my head goes dark and let's me sit on a rock
that reminds me i gotta reach out to my family to say

i'm dandy....

i split my lip and my blood tastes just like candy
i'm dandy...

dandelying (qwuh cover)

everything feels kind of like a missed opportunity
and i'll try to get myself up but i'm weighed down so much

and everyone will always do so much better than me at everything

everything that i used to like now just feels like i'm asleep
and i'll try to get myself up but i am immune to your touch

and everyone will always be so much better than me at everything

and everyday's a lifetime but there's so much time i waste
and i try to swallow my pride but it's written on my face
and i get so fucking jealous but it's pointless and childish
and when i wake up so lightheaded i wonder just how much time is left

another pity party for me

everything feels kind of like a missed opportunity

pity party (with qwuh)

life is the stupidest shit but it's hilarious (bunny love cover by qwuh)

thinking of the changing leaves in new hampshire
the pink house my parents painted when I was a kid
the old house on the hill, it always made me scared
but despite the nightmares I was safe there

but it's not my home now, I can't go back there
and whenever I visit it's not the same in new hampshire

waiting for the bus to berlin from zagreb
gonna spend a couple weeks with these new friends of mine
can't wait to eat falafel and drink club matte 
I wasn't there long but the city makes me feel alive

but my visa's almost up, I gotta leave soon
and besides i'm sure that things can't always be this good

thinking about Emilie
she always meant a lot to me
her loud laugh and big heart
maybe I gotta go to palm springs soon

i just wanna cut through all the bullshit
i wanna know all your secrets and your deepest fears
how many more people can I fit into my small heart
until i finally don't feel so alone

how many more people can i fit into this small heart

fucked reality (choking victim 1992 happy hardcore rave edit)

the days are getting colder but I’m melting like the snow
That piles on the house as if it’s gonna take control
I guess that it does anyways winter makes me so depressed
But when the summer comes back I’m still feeling like a mess
and I get into my car because I’ve gotta go work more and I need more cash
And these dark days have me saving up like it’s the apocalypse 
I need enough so I can escape I always am looking for a way out 
But I feel so trapped in this fucking race I never wanted to be a part of it 

And 

I bought a milkshake and cried
I’m not really sure why
I ordered a side of fries
I think I wanted to die

And at HEB I stared into the aisle like a horror movie
Contemplating suicide as I picked up my broccoli
Am I normal? is this normal? Just gotta act like I’m fine
But when I’m overwhelmed in the grocery store I think I’d rather die	
I feel bad these days for most of the week  
Saw a friend of mine and I could barely speak
I’m sick, I’m stunted, I make bad decisions
There’s people who care but I’m never with them
I isolate myself but I don’t know how to do anything else, I guess it’s how I was raised 
Sitting all alone in all my younger days
And now it’s still the same

i bought a milkshake and cried

when you see the mom you have
And when you can understand 
That she can’t help 
She can’t help herself
She can’t help anyone
It’s the genes in your blood
You are cursed you are nothing
It’s the genes in your blood
You are cursed you are nothing
Forever
You are broken 
Forever
Forever
Nothing will get better
Nothing will get better
Nothing will get 
Nothing will get
Nothing will get 
Nothing will get better now

nothing will get better

born to die in berlin (ramones)

In the berghain garden I feel calm and i don’t care about anything
In the berghain garden I can pretend I’m not a loser and a failed musician

And I wish I could be there now
Yeah I wish I could be there now

In the garden
In the garden

In the berghain garden people always buy me drinks it makes me feel like I am charming
In the berghain garden I can forget that my life has become a scattered mess

And I wish I could be there now
Yeah I wish I could be there now

In the garden
In the garden

berghain garden

i wanna do something irresponsible tonight

staying at Ali’s house again
In the north side of the city
Sprawling out in the living room
the kitchen’s small but it’s grown on me

We met through some mutual friends at a nightclub
i remember we talked one on one for a few hours
during that time I wasn’t meeting many guys I actually liked
So I was pretty excited when we instantly got along

Ali’s always so smart
Sometimes he’s talking to me about stuff I barely understand
Like some crazy computer stuff or science theories or whatever
I respect that
Especially because most of my talk is some shallow shit

And we’ve been through a lot together
The past couple summers
And we stay in touch
When I’m not around
I know we both struggle a lot with melancholic stuff
So we’re always making stupid jokes to distract each other

staying at Ali’s house again
In the north side of the city
I’m not sure why he always lets me back
But I’m glad to be here again

staying at Ali’s house again
In the north side of the city
Cooking up indomie noodles again
He makes fun of me because I don’t cook them properly

Ali’s a lot cooler than he realizes
And he’s always helping his friends out if he has the energy and means
I appreciate all our long rambled discussions
And when he’s blasting teenage emo music just annoy me

Long walks by the river together 
Showing me some Indonesian foods
I hope someday we can go to Jakarta
and I can see the city that spawned you
I hope we stay in touch for the rest of our lives
Because I don’t meet people like you that often
You are my brother and I love you
Let’s stay strong as much as we can, I think we’ll make it through

ali's house

in a grave i will be free
in a grave life will be easy
in a grave i will be free
in a grave there's no anxiety

in a grave i will be free

wasted days

diy personal tunes by a person that moves around a lot and gets bummed out a lot. all songs home recorded.

bunny love

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