Coping Diary: My Name Is Cola

Today is the start of something new, it will be tough but hopefully rewarding. Most of today has been spent in bed crying, in the early afternoon I got out of bed to catch the train to see the Villa lose 2-0 to the Albion in a shameful display. Afterwards my brothers drove home but my dad and I went to Star City for a drink and a bite. It was mostly just silence after the football match. He's my dad, he can tell something is up but we just don't have that kind of relationship. He was wondering why I was sneezing so much and I told him it's because I stopped taking antidepressants, which he never knew about in the first place. He didn't seem surprised and he moved subject quickly. At Costa I got a large hot chocolate, and it turned out to be much larger than I thought. It was like drinking out of a bowl. When I got home about 7pm I decided to record this song for you all. I know I can't sing but I need to get my emotions out there somehow and this helps me cope with everything. I will be trying to keep this up as a kind of blog and who knows maybe eventually I'll have enough to record an album and maybe find a singer and drummer to help me. Sometimes it will be music I've made over the past few years, sometimes it will be from scratch. All the lyrics will almost like a diary, what I've been up to and my thoughts on things.

I have plans for tomorrow at least, the weather has been nice and I haven't been feeling the cold so hopefully I can dress a bit more freely. Hopefully can get some nice photos of living animals and dead animals (nando's innit) and I will have a nice day out with my friends.

20190216 - crying coping

https://imgur.com/a/EqLTXLQ

Today was a good day. My brain is fried from making myself socialise. I woke up early feeling good but still had my daily cry.
We went to Dudley Zoo and Nando's afterwards. The lemurs were definitely the highlight of the day, such friendly creatures. I felt like crying when we saw the orangutans. All of the animals had something off with them but the orangutans were quite visibly depressed. The giraffes kept licking metal.
I am looking forward to the week coming. Emily wants to see me for a bubble tea date and I have a leadership programme to attend for the navy. I think next weekend I will have a quiet one and try and rest my head, I will try to get another song done for Wednesday. Until then,

20190217 - Habitatualism

Today was a good day, I achieved everything I set out to do and I'm making little steps each day. Yet I'm struggling to understand what it's all for, the emptiness inside me does not depart.

20190219 - clearing cover (grouper)

I do this to blog about my life, but truly nothing has happened in my life. Today I woke up, tidied and cleaned the kitchen for a house viewing and then I spent all day making this. Now to enjoy my evening doing nothing and waiting for to be appropriate to sleep.

Yesterday I didn't do much either, I went to football and offered to play as goalkeeper. It is my natural position, we won convincingly and I got man of the match. I probably didn't deserve it as I did let in a goal I should not have done. After the football game I went back home and waited until it was appropriate to sleep.

20190221 - Dream dreams forever

What has happened this week i can't really remember a whole lot of nothing to be honest, i've been to my lectures i've been to the gym three times a week and slowly getting there on the weekend i went to my dad's house to spend time with my dog Ellie. I am still struggling to cope which is why it's been so long since the last track and for some reason i forgot that distracting myself and making new songs does help me cope somehow so i figured i should go make one today.  I suppose it has been a good week, mainly because of the weather i guess. On monday i went to the pub after lectures with coursemates so that was an enjoyable evening. I haven't really been productive at all which will come back to bite me but im not sure how much i actually care. Football we won 6-5, i played in goal for the first half and because of the nice weather i wore shorts which turned out to be a bad decision as i know have quite bad marks on my knees and elbows from the turf. I feel like i am letting a lot of people in my life down because i isolate myself, i wish i could be a better person for them but it seems every time i care about someone future me ends up with only regrets and so i need to protect myself and for me that means isolation

I will admit i tried to copy beach house at first with this one luckily i can't sing. Also as the last track was just guitars i made this one just synths

Coping Diary: My Name Is Cola

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