Nice of Aesop to invite us to breakdance, eh Luigi?

The House

(Verse 1 – Yo, the Setup)  
I was the firebug king, torchin’ rides left and right,  
Québec plates poppin’, lightin’ up the night.  
Whole province smellin’ like a barbecue gone wrong,  
Till the squirrels put my name in their little red song.  
Non-contributor list, yeah, I made the cut,  
No tribute paid, thought I was too tough.  
Then I hear the rumble—three Harleys so mean,  
Hells Angels raccoons, straight outta your worst dream.  
Jimmy revvin’ mad, Johnny built like a tank,  
Franky in the back yellin’ “I ain’t signin’ that, crank!”  

(Chorus – Squirrel Panic Attack)  
Now I’m in the precinct cryin’ like a fool,  
“Lock me up quick, them squirrels ain’t cool!”  
Pay the bushy mafia or get rostered for life,  
Every nut you skip is a stab from the knife!  
Crows laughin’ overhead, ravens stealin’ my fries,  
Mice in the vents plottin’, I see it in their eyes!  
Jimmy, Johnny, Franky—0.1% crew,  
Bottom rocker “Raccoon City,” top rocker “Fuck You!”  

(Verse 2 – The Two-by-Four Symphony)  
Door explodes—BOOM—Jimmy’s got a plank,  
Two-by-four swingin’ like a drunk lumberjack tank.  
“FUCK!”—smash—my TV flies through the wall,  
Goldfish doin’ backflips, lamp doin’ cartwheels, y’all.  
Franky’s dancin’ around like a hype man on crack,  
“Hit him again, Jim! He still owes the pack!”  
Johnny don’t talk, just lifts my couch one-handed,  
Found my pill stash—flushed it, now I’m stranded.  
They refill my drawers with Québec’s finest green,  
Hash bricks so fat they need their own zip code, scene!  

(Chorus – Squirrel Panic Attack)  
Now I’m in the precinct cryin’ like a fool,  
“Lock me up quick, them squirrels ain’t cool!”  
Pay the bushy mafia or get rostered for life,  
Every nut you skip is a stab from the knife!  
Crows laughin’ overhead, ravens stealin’ my fries,  
Mice in the vents plottin’, I see it in their eyes!  

(Verse 3 – Tribute Time, Nutty Beatdown)  
Jimmy spins the board like a helicopter blade,  
“Time to pay the squirrels, fire boy, upgrade!”  
I’m like “Acorns? Cash? What’s the fee?!”  
Franky grins, “Both, plus your dignity!”  
Squirrels in the trees droppin’ invoices like rain,  
One hits my forehead—boom—instant migraine.  
Johnny cracks his knuckles, the sound like a gun,  
I start stuffin’ twenties in a hollowed-out bun.  
Too late—rostered! Marked with a red X,  
Now every squirrel in the province wants my neck!  

(Bridge – The Great Nut Chase)  
I bolt out the back, trippin’ over my cat,  
Jimmy’s two-by-four whistlin’ “Where you at?!”  
Squirrels zipline from branches, ninja-style drop,  
One steals my shoe, another steals my sock.  
Crows dive-bomb, ravens mug me for change,  
I’m runnin’ through alleys lookin’ deranged.  
Cornered by the trio, bikes block both ends,  
Franky shrugs, “Shoulda paid, my friend.”  

(Verse 4 – Snitchin’ & Twitchin’)  
So I sprint to the RPD, screamin’ at the desk,  
“Arrest me now, my life is a mess!”  
Confessed to every fire, every match, every spark,  
But mostly I’m beggin’ for a squirrel-proof cell in the dark.  
Guard laughs, “Kid, you’re scared of rodents?”  
I whisper, “You ain’t met the ones with cutts and motives.”  
Now I flinch at every rustle, every chatter, every squeak,  
Paranoid legend—dude who got owned by critters for a week.  

(Outro – Moral of the Fur)  
Pay your squirrel tribute, stack them nuts real high,  
Or Jimmy’s two-by-four gonna teach you to fly.  
Raccoon City’s just a patch, but Québec’s their yard,  
And the squirrels run collections—believe me, it’s hard!  
From firestarter boss to a twitchy lil’ rat,  
That’s the ballad of the dude who forgot where the tribute’s at!

FireBug.

Masked Down

2025-12-12-203143317_13122025.m4a

It was nice meeting you, human.
Blunt-bye.

(i'm not sorry)
Little fact: the *click* beatbox sound is actually my voice recorded.
In a shitty mp3 format. Yep.

<a href="https://theartistunion.com/tracks/9a207c" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Download for free on The Artist Union</a>

WEEDGORE (Drop It Like It's Bergentrücking)

art by http://green-hill-zone.deviantart.com/art/Punkin-Soup-184068021

Sources: 

"Pumpkin Hill" from Sonic Adventures 2
"Norf Norf" by Vince Staples

nice of the princess to invite us over for a breakdance, eh luigi?

Rumpatump

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