a cover of tucker theodore's (much better) song. listen here 
https://antiquatedfuture.bandcamp.com/track/i-wasnt-waving

lyrics:
Oh no, I wasn't waving
Oh no, only drowning
O Lord, I wasn't waving
O Lord, only drowning

So I dropped from the ceiling
And drift gently
Down to the ocean's floor
O Lord, come and free me
With winter's gentle winds
Whispering down the shore

I wish that you could see me
Living gently
Among the reeds
I guess that I always knew it
Where I belonged
Underseas

O Lord, I wasn't waving
Only drowning
For you to see

But my sight
Now is much better
With this glass lens
Between you and me

Oh no, I wasn't waving
O Lord, was only drowning

d3mo ep

"i wasnt waving"

int3rlude

ashley

seventh heaven

dr. mclellan's waiting room, april 2002

sampled kwame brown on this joint. shoutsout #bustlife. also bolero song called mana fatita

neospirituals

sons of isaac, sons of ishmael

a night we'd never forget

its hard to comprehend how you were able to put up with me. now that i reflect on it, how you were willing to put up with the awful things i said to you, just in general how awful i was to you, for so long. i was very, very unwell. but that'll never excuse it. only now, 11/28/23, 3 am, have i really come to understand that you loved me. you told me that you loved me. but i guess i didnt really understand it. i dont think i can ever really feel loved. even writing that now, i still question it. i dont understand how someone can love me. its something that, just doesnt register for me. maybe thats why ive made so many mistakes. i dont know. my thoughts are all jumbled. its ironic because, my whole understanding of existence and reality is based around love. but love is something i have so incredibly failed. i am deeply ashamed of a lot of things. i want to try again, but then i remember the things im ashamed about, the ugliness, and i think, i don't deserve to try again. i dont know. it feels selfish, and within me, i know its selfish. am i really pursuing the love i so idealize? or am i really just driven by the biological imperative? that feels ugly to me. it feels ugly because i was horrible to you, and to pursue something else, with someone else. its selfish. i know its selfish. i know it is. and i am incredibly sorry and i am deeply ashamed. i was very unwell. i am very sorry. it is selfish. and i am sorry. i think, thats the best i can do now. to just be sorry. theres a great ugliness to me. i know. a selfishness. i dont know how i can fix that. or if its even possible. because, biv, the way i treated you. it makes me sad, it makes me sad it really does. because i wish it wasnt that way. i wish it wasnt biv. but it is. and i dont know if its something i can fix. but above all, just know, that i am sorry, okay? 12/1/23. sorry, and deeply deeply ashamed. its a guilt and a shame that i deserve. i know. im sorry. its a guilt i deserve. a guilt and shame i wont ever forget. 12/10/23. im really sorry biv. its really difficult remembering things. it was awful. it makes me feel awful. its awful how bad i would get. its awful and i dont know how u put up with it for as long as u did. and im really sorry. im really sorry i didnt trust you. im really sorry that i never really opened myself up to you. i didnt try hard enough. i dont try hard enough. because ultimately, thats what it is. its my fault. um. its like, hard to think right now. because my mind goes all over the place sometimes and its hard to keep track. but, i guess my main point is that, i wasnt wholehearted. in the sense i didnt try hard enough. its all gross, thinking about this. because its very loathsome. i just didnt let go. i wasnt wholehearted because i dont let myself let things go. truthfully i dont know how to change that about myself. i wish i wasnt that way. im just really sorry. im sorry for the shit you had to put up with. it was awful and insufferable. its just all awful. im really sorry. i am selfish. because a thought i just had was that, i wish you had hurt me too. because it was always me that was hurtful and difficult. and you never were. in my head, i wish you were, because then i'd feel less bad about myself. thats a really selfish thought. because you were perfect and you never were bad to me. it really is selfish, because you were perfect. im sorry. its really hard to know what to do now. because it feels like i dont deserve to try again. it feels disgusting for me to want to try again. because of how awful i was. it feels very very wrong. it feels very wrong. it feels very wrong and disgusting and it is selfish. im sorry and im guilty but i'll always be unwell and difficult and i dont know what to do. i can't let go. i don't know what to do, without it being very wrong and selfish. okay i'm almost hitting the character limit on here. i'll leave it at that. i'm sorry biv. 

dedicated to you.

long brown hair, like a princess.

Play the guitar, play it again, my Johnny
Maybe you're cold but you're so warm inside
I was always a fool for my Johnny
For the one they call Johnny Guitar
Play it again, Johnny Guitar

What if you go, what if you stay, I love you
What if you're cruel, you can be kind, I know
There was never a man like my Johnny
Like the one they call Johnny Guitar

There was never a man like my Johnny
Like the one they call Johnny Guitar
Play it again, Johnny Guitar

two, the same thing

johnny guitar

i might cry single

i might cry

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

chapel hill single

chapel hill

where did you go when you kissed me goodnight? 
you didn't walk home the same way you did last night 

you were dancing with me, but i saw you flirting with her 
were all those pretty words you whispered to me, 
meant for her, meant for her? 
so tell me 

momma said you were bad, and I should leave you alone 
you had a playboy’s reputation with all the girls you know 

so i've got to know, just where i belong 
am i just another girl? 
are you leading me on, leading me on? 
so tell me 

momma said you were bad, and i should leave you alone 
you had a playboy’s reputation with all the girls you know 

so i've got to know, just where i belong 
am i just another girl? 
are you leading me on, leading me on? 
so tell me

who do you love?
i wanna know
i wanna know

carnival christ

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