Audio Recording on Monday night

Schizophrenia

Manic

Audio Recording on Sunday afternoon

Matt

I figured I should do this, an “about me”, a short summary of what I am, of what this is, whatever the fuck you’d like to take it as. This is only a general understanding of myself, or at least what I’d think people would like to know. I’m not exactly sure what format this should be written in, so if it’s organization patterns aren’t cliche enough for you, kindly retire your irrationality.

This blog is a reflection of “I don’t know.” That is the most commonly used phrase, that comes out of my mouth. It’s reflex. I stutter and mumble, and feel like an idiot, so if I throw in “I don’t know”, you can’t hold me to it. You can’t laugh at me, because hey, I acknowledged I don’t know what I’m talking about. This blog reflects lots of petty thoughts, too many feelings, not enough logic, gay porn, and low res pictures. That’s hip right? That’s definitely what I’m about. Being hip. But no, I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what I am. I’m sure that’ll come eventually, maybe not, but no matter right now. I’m Toria, and social occasions are surprise executions. I alternate between being a pseudo intellect, and train wreck of raw emotion. I’m a Pantheist, only because I know you’ll ask what that means. I’m a self proclaimed individualist, despite just labeling my beliefs. Age doesn’t often cross my mind in terms of maturity or in this case, the only thing I can think of is lack of relevance to my age, therefore excuse me for not stating it. I’ve made my fortune on hardcore fetish porn, and an abundant amount of attention on the internet. No. I dropped out my sophomore year of high school, and am currently debating on pursuing my GED online, but to do that I need motivation. I could dive into great depths on what stems my lack of motivation, I could go into detail of the new found hope I do have, my reasons for getting clean, making friends, painting, writing, trying to sleep at night and eat and drink water, and doing all the things you’re supposed to do in an average setting- but I won’t. I want this to reflect me. 

I’ve adapted the concept that there is no definitive right or wrong morals in the world, only one persons perspective on how things should be. This is closely related with people ‘doing the wrong thing for the right reason’ Idea, meaning that there’s really no black or white in the world, just shades of gray,  resulting in my ultra original methodological name, the gray philosophy. (unless you’ve read about the script I’m writing, I don’t expect that to make sense). I’ve been told by alot of people that I’m over analytical, and since analyzing my life, I’m starting to think its true. I wish I could say ‘who gives a fuck’ with some sort or meaning,  but because every goddamn thing worries me, I can only feign apathy. I’m in the midst of changing my attitude to ‘ignorance is bliss’, because without it, I’m stroke-bound from the pressure of social life, family responsibility and those fucking conspiracy theories.

I suppose I could consider myself creatively inclined. No, I’m not up my butt about how bad ass my “art” or writing is, more of I feel the drive to express myself, or spend my time painting rather than playing a sport, or debate club, or any derivative of “other” you can conjure. (ART HERE) (PERSONAL WRITING HERE). I speak openly, bluntly. I censor myself enough to be bearable, but beyond that I talk without thinking. My humor, my way of  speaking, has been called “morbid”, raunchy, dark, etc. But I feel like the vast majority of teenagers spending their days on the internet, have similar ways of tongue. I’ve noticed a trend in coming to me for advice on a multitude of things (ie; drugs, sex, abusive relationships, abortion, feelings, etc), and I’m more than happy to answer to the best of my abilities, however due to my drastically changing moods, it’s rough to always reply. It’s rough to try and help when I can’t even seem to pull myself out of bed and into the shower. It’s just hard. I don’t know. I feel that I can be here for you, and communicate with you about whatever’s going on better than I can tell you what to do to fix it. The drugs though, such as combination, drug related experiences, stories, dosage, etc. is more easy for me to answer, because it’s facts rather than my opinion. Because once again “I don’t know” comes into play, because I feel pressured to save you rather than just give you a little boost or helpful hints. 

I tend to tell stories frequently, sometimes I’m demanded of to tell stories, and I don’t mind. If you request one, and I don’t respond, don’t take it personally, and read one of the many stories I have here. If you want a sex story, or a sex experience, click here. If you’re looking for drug stories, or I haven’t answered your question involving drugs, you could possibly find your answer here. 

A lot of questions I get are about Matt, and what all went on in the four and a half years we were together, and even what’s going on now that we’re apart. You can find stories, and some answered questions here. Please take into account, that it’s a fucking bitch to think about him. About what we had, didn’t have, did, do, went through. It feels like my lungs are being ripped out thinking about some of the things you guys ask me about. And I suppose physical pain is better than mental agony. But mentally induced physical pain is worse than both, if that made sense.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  

Q: How old are you?

A: Ask me off anonymous

Q: What’s your facebook? 

http://www.facebook.com/1800KillYourself

Q: Where do you live?

Missouri. Previously in Wisconsin, Chicago, and Kansas. 

Q: Are you in a relationship with Matt? Are you single?

I’m no longer in a relationship with Matt. I unboarded that train back in February. I’m not in a relationship, but I’m what you would call “emotionally unavailable”. 

Q: What was your drug of choice? 

I was an opiate whore. Heroin and Oxycontin, were my main vice’s. But I’ve done my fair share of experimentation. 

Q: What’s your sexual preference? 

Since the dawn of time for girls on the internet; I am a pansexual. However I don’t label myself as such. Love is love. Sex is sex. I don’t care who you are, what you do, what genitals you were born with- or without-, I love you for you. 

Q: What are your favorite movies?

Here

Q: What kind of music do you like? 

Here

Q: So, you support self harm? 

I support your right to do as you wish with your own body. Would I try to talk someone off the ledge? Yes. Would I forcibly grab them and hold them down, so they wouldn’t jump? No. 

Q: What’s your network?

The Dropout Network is run by Gia and I.

That’s really all I have at the moment. Up for later review. I hope this gives you a somewhat in depth look to your inquiries. 

catatonics