Words echo through me
all i do is pretend
how do you feel
when reality's unreal
   your swallowed by the past
your face is a broken mirrored mask.
  How do I relate
  when everything is fake
all i do is try
believing my own lies 
   its really no big deal 
when you cannot feel.

I'm a liar

Did I forget
or did I never have it?
So full of nothingness
the only thing I regret
is that I live at all.

Death escapes  me
 
Did I forget
or did I never have it?
So full of nothingness
My only thing I regret
is that I live at all.

Crisis actor

always regretful
and so unsuccessful
always the same things
and my hope is faded
whatever, i tried 
i cant seem to get by,
i shoot my best shot.
i know my best
just wont be enough.

it always takes too long
 everything just goes wrong
my hopes and  dreaming
is always self defeating
sad and so lonely
its the same old story
I know and I trust
that my best just wont be 
enough

my faults ran deeper
than i ever knew
I found the wasteland
I built inside
I found when
pieces of you die
only the worst parts
of you survive

Misery

FALLING DOWN.
FALLING DOWN. 
AGAIN.
DISFIGURED AND CORRUPTED,
ALREADY AT THE END.
AT THE END.

REGRESSING TO A POLLUTED RUIN.
I SLEEP ON HAUNTED GROUND,
HOPELESS & DEATHBOUND.
CLICHE.
ONE TRICK.
NO HOPE.
FANATIC.
I JUST MAKE ME SICK.
BAD JOKE.
PATHETIC.

I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS.
I DIDNT BUY NO TICKET.
I WANT OFF THIS RIDE.
FOR THE SHOW TO END.
 
IM RUNNING ON BORROWED TIME
DISTRESSED AND HALF ALIVE
BETTER OFF BEING LEFT BEHIND
I JUST CANT WAIT TO DIE.

REGRESSING TO A POLLUTED RUIN.
I SLEEP ON HAUNTED GROUND,
HOPELESS & DEATHBOUND.
AVARICE. 
OPRESSION.
TORMENT. 
DECEPTION. 
UN-ENDING INFECTION.
WITH NO INTERVENTION.

Ruin

I cant last another minute
or do another day
but its already been so many years

++++
First track with the DX7, used sampled drums for a change too.
++++
Collapse tapes arrived yesterday I have hand stamped them all  + began creating the booklets  - Each tape + booklet is unique + numbered.

Brood

Archon

Whipped up another dance track.
I needed a break from the emotional devastation that comes with writing the usual CG tracks. Mental health is in the trash.

Defeat

My mind is ablaze with madness. I have had a rather difficult few weeks, I really struggled to compose this track, and in the end this was all improvised, then collected & re-interpreted & turned into what ever this song is.. More than anything this was just collecting a bunch of miserable frequencies rather than any type of song. That's how it feels. I wrote 5 or 6 sets of lyrics and they are just insane rambling. I was reading suicide letters and tried to include something from them to help honor and validate these poor lost individuals who chose to give up. None are  directly quoted but absorbed and folded in.

I used a microphone in the studio to feedback into the recording to emulate the sound of the screaming metal of a passing train as it narrowly misses you. I miss walking along the train lines at night.
I used this, along with drowning  everything(almost) in chorus  & reverb straight from my mixer to tape, also purposefully including clipping and blown out audio to curate the awful hopeless, last ditch, atmosphere.

I want to give up on music, I have before. I don't think trying to absorb my misery and then turn it into something else is useful.
but I don't know what else to do.

And its called Necrophilia because I'm the dead one fucking itself.
I ruined many good opportunities. I'm addicted to misery.
Maybe I should have called it Auto-Necrophilia?

Hardware: X32, Guitar, bass, JP-08, DX7, TR-08,  Feedback noise mic. 
Send help
+++++++++

There is nothing left that i ever want to see
my dreams are dead
there is nothing to achieve
god is dead
there is nothing to believe
No help is coming
no one will ever miss me.

I just want to be 
someone else
please god
save me from myself

give me a drug                
that feels as good 
as blood
its the perfect drug
there is no drug 
as good as blood
if there ever was a god
i need you to know
that i need you now
save me from myself

there is nothing left
that i ever wish to see
my dreams are dead
there is nothing to achieve
god is dead
there is nothing to believe
No help is coming
no one will ever miss me.

Necrophilia

Some electronic music.

Artwork for the upcoming album is nearly complete.

Hardware used, MKS-50, DX7, JP-8000,

I am completely devoid of any feelings. Cant write anything with any meaning,

Club Meat

its time to give up on my dreams 
its time to pretend that i am someone else
I know I'm nothing special
I know I have got nothing much to give
but it still stings
when its sinking in
it still stings
when its sinking in

failure is all i've ever known
being out of place is where i fit
and it still stings
every day i live

im sick of being sick
Im sick of sadness personified
im sick of living 
im sick of living with myself
and it still stings
when it all sinking in
and it still stings
every day i live

its time to give up on my myself
its time to give up like i never have before
it still stings

Failure

Clinic

something is eating me inside
i think iv buried myself alive
the blood within is reaching out
and i always think of suicide

Collapse

I made this over three nights, i got totally cooked on a plethora of drugs first two nights and cleaned it up on the third

Reward Circuitry - [Chlorine Gargoyle Remix]

it sounds alive
but its dead inside
i had some hope but its gone
i had some hope but its gone

Close to having enough tracks to 'finish' my demo tape which I will be hand making and releasing soon..

All the info about recording this track in cringey detail is on my insta..

SLUGRIMACE

unsightly things infecting my dreams
totems of despair littering my brain
im falling to pieces in a giant tomb
built from (a million) pieces of you	
and when I looked into your eyes
and I saw both sides 
im not sure which one of us had died
but i know im not alive
and the only thing i know 
is that i feel dead
i feel dead

i burnt the sage
but the ghost wont go away
never wanted 
and never needed 
like a sculpture 
of shit
I cast it out and throw it all away 
picturez of nothing
letters written to no one
in an ocean of shit
notes in a bottle 
in an ocean of shit

Grotesque Totem

Its coming back now
all at once
and its more than i can take
i have seen it all slowly come apart
and now im sure that I will break
all the lies and misguided eyes
have finally broke me down
all the friends have turned their backs
and im suffocating underground.

what will it take.
to get anything from anyone.
what will it take 
to get anyone to help.

how quickly can you turn you back
on someone that you loved
If they could simply disappear
would anyone come look?
If i could disappear.
I would.
If I disappear.
please dont come look.

Rape Of Harmony

RUIN CD+Cassette @ Inclub records
Collapse Cassette Available on bandcamp.
Lo-fi goth.

Chlorine Gargoyle

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