I've lost everyone..

I lost my family after my mother decided to hurt me. My adorable, precious little sisters. Gone. My little brother, a bit odd but still a loveable person. My stepdad, although he had his issues he was there for me most of the time..

I lost my friends. I've withdrawn from friend groups and friends because I'm afraid of being hurt. As soon as I feel like something is gonna go wrong.. I leave.
Nick, Sydney, Maki and Lily. I'm sorry.

I lost my boyfriend.. I knew he was struggling. I wanted to be there but.. clearly the feeling wasn't mutual. 
"I don't want you to suffer with you."
I love you. I would go to the ends of the Earth to see you smile. All those times you said "until death do us part".. did they really mean nothing..? Nothing at all??

I don't see any reason why life is worth living anymore. Either I leave or they leave me. No one actually stays. They promise but it's futile, they never have true intent to keep their word.. I'm hurt. I'm shattered beyond repair.. I hate November. I hate May. I hate July. I hate myself.. I hate living.. I hate waking up in the morning knowing I mean absolutely nothing to the people I would sacrifice my life for. I have no one. Why didn't I realize it sooner..? I came back for him but I wasn't enough..

Why was I surprised..? 
I knew it was going to end up this way.
There's no reason that anyone would want to stay with someone like me. Someone who has spiraled down into a deep depression. An unending nightmare.  I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy. It's been years. Literal fucking YEARS. Since I've had a healthy relationship with my family. Since I've had friends that actually care about me like I care about them.. a partner who doesn't make false promises. "until death do us part".. don't lie to me. I still love you, I probably will forever. But I know that you're gonna move on immediately. 

Why is it always me..? I thought 2022 was supposed to be better. I wish I had killed myself before the clock strung midnight on January 1st of this wretched year.

I suppose leaving with silence is better then saying goodbye.. it hurts. It stings. 
It burns. I feel like I'm going to throw up. All my pent up stress and anger is finally going to drive me to the edge that I've been waiting for. I knew it was going to happen.. just not this soon. Not like this..

ǃ~ϲlօɾíϲɑ~ǃ(クロリカ-さん)