i ate like 30 cookies last night that my mom baked
they made me feel like shit, but that’s ok
‘cuz they were hella tasty and you only live once
so live it up, live it up, live it up

oatmeal and walnuts
butterscotch and milk
it’s so good, yeah it’s so good
if you haven’t had one yet—you should 

w01 yolo cookies

i wanna be yr friend

i wanna pursue friendship w/ you
how i'd like to be part of yr crew
i wanna know all the things you do
'cuz maybe we could do some things together

i wanna be yr friend
whoa oh whoa oh oh
i wanna be yr friend
i wanna be yr friend

w02 let's be friends :)

i went to a shrink to analyze my dreams
but all that she told me is “quit smoking weed”
i went to my dealer and told him the news
so he went out and bought me a new pair of shoes 

w03 a song about my brief stint in therapy and the events that followed

hey bb, i really wanna be
be yr twitter girlfriend
will you be my twitter man?

‘cuz yr a qt, and i really wanna see
see yr twitter glans
and hold yr twitter hand

there’s so many ways to say “i love you,” anyway,
in 140 characters or less
if you want, i’ll show you a few
i swear i won’t unfollow you
yr always trending in my heart
so please let me be yr twitter girlfriend

w04 #twittergf

the existence of our feelings can get us down
when the reason for us living is nowhere to be found
‘cuz we’re born then we go to school to get a job
to work ‘til we retire so we won’t have a job

but the meaning of life’s not dollar signs or letter grades
or how waste one can get, or pretending to be sane
it’s about personal hygiene, it’s about good posture
it’s about sharing with friends and drinking lots of water

and qt pictures of otters and reading harry potter
and wearing mothy sweaters and eating acid blotters
and donating to charity and watching documentaries
and reading blogs on tumblr about smashing patriarchy

that’s how to live life rad
so live life rad 

w05 live life rad (this one sucks)

hey, i think that you look cool today
i thought the same yesterday
and i’ll think the same for every day to come

yeah, i told all my friends i think yr rad
golly, i even told my dad!
and i’l tell everyone every day to come

i know it’s hard, so hard i’ll try
i know it’s hard in the eye

hey bb do you wanna be valentines?
it’s a stretch but i really wanna make you mine
hey bb do you wanna be valentines?

quick, i just wanna say i dig yr kicks
and i wanna say i think they’re sick
and i wanna say i think that you are too

w06 love song for st. valentine's day

i hate dr. pepper
i hate dr. pepper
i hate dr. pepper
i hate dr. pepper

maybe some day he will die
or at least retire
either way he’ll be out of my life
and i will be happier

(i hate i hate i hate i hate)

my grandma likes dr. pepper 
but she’ll never understand

w07 dr. pepper

skinny armed and dangerous

my arms are too skinny to go swimming
sometimes i wish i could go swimming
i feel sour so i’m going to take a shower
but showers don’t help me feel better

i wash my hair once every three or four days
and i hope nobody thinks that’s gross
i could wash my hair more often
and i could probably start working out

my heart is a muscle the size of my fist
and my fist is a fist the size of my heart
and i wish that my heart would stop caring
about all the trivial things that make me feel like i’m smart

i want to be an organ donor and donate my heart to jesus
and donate my fists to satan’s face
i haven’t used either to any meaningful extent
since i quit playing baseball in eighth grade

w08 skinny armed and dangerous

minimum wage

$9.19/hr is this a fucking joke?
$9.19/hr i will always be broke
$9.19/hr please just kill me now
$9.19/hr how now mao brown cow?

how now mao brown cow?
how now mao brown cow?

w09 minimum wage

song against sex pt. 2

there’s not much to do in a community college kid’s room
that is, unless you wanna watch cartoons
there’s not much to do in a community college kid’s room
that is, unless you wanna watch cartoons

Count Swagula