zerosan

Piano Harbor

It's been a few months since I've posted anything and while part of that was my dealing with school and facing the WORST writers block yet, part of my absence was also prompted by my quitting my antipsychotics. This may have prompted the writers block, now that I'm typing this out, huh. 

It DEFINITELY prompted another psychotic break that burned HOT and BRIGHT and FAST like the stars I believed I was talking to. This bright, intense break stood in stark contrast to the slow-burning first one. I thought there was only one shade of psychosis for everyone and I'd just have my harmonious hallucinations pop up whenever I got too stressed. It was honestly the ease and gentle nature of my first break that prompted me to stop taking my medication. I could handle anything that came my way, I already had! 

I was incredibly wrong. This October proved the most intense, thought-provoking, traumatic, and surreal 4 weeks of my life. I will NEVER stop taking my medication without a professional's guiding hand again. The hallucinations identified themselves as celestial bodies, extraterrestrials, even "Jesus" at times (INCREDIBLY confusing for an athiest with eastern religious interests). There was one moment where the hallucinations made it appear that I had caused a supernova because I looked up at the night sky without "permission" from the voices in my head. That I was filling our surrounding space with black holes because I could not stop looking up. 

Psychosis is STILL one of the biggest mysteries in modern psychology, despite "madness" and "hysteria" being among the first recognized abnormal mental states. Since the first psychotic break, I've been trying to musically simulate what psychosis FEELS like. 

With my Desert of Delusion album, I tried to paint a picture of the varying storybook-like genres I had experienced during my eight month break. With "Downtempo Decay", I tried to simulate the decaying nature of reality as it is substituted with increasingly absurd delusions. Now, with "Pseudo Psychosis", I've found that I've replicated the experience of having audible hallucinations(through the dialogue) while simultaneously expressing the fluid nature of reality (through the line of melody). 

The first vocals are positioned dead center, between the ears. This is to represent your internal monologue. Audible hallucinations, when inside the mind, are like dynamically-voiced thoughts that have specific positions in the head. As the song and psychosis continue, though, these positions become muddled. While it's initially easy to tell the difference between your own thoughts and the hallucinations, soon there isn't any way to deiscern between the two. That's where people get hurt. 

Those in the depths of psychosis are actually much more likely to harm themselves than harm others. 

This was, possibly, my most challenging track yet as all of the dialogue matches exactly to hallucinations I have had, save for the introductory singing verse. That just sets the scene as it represents the last coherent and stable line of thinking before madness hits. 

I'll probably come back later and add more context to the dialogue but I was really excited to post this as much like with Desert of Delusion and Downtempo Decay, the creation and posting of this track has helped my processing of the traumatic event IMMENSELY! I'm now completely at peace!!

Also, in my mission to demystify stress-induced psychosis, feel free to leave any questions below and I'll be happy to answer them to the best of my experience!

Mastered by https://soundcloud.com/izero-7-9 !!

Pseudo Psychosis

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thank you so much!!

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