The Thinness Between Word and Song

Who I Was; Starting Davidson 

Leaving Dallas:

I loved her like my mother;
Davidson is just a wonderful dream.
What I took to be my brother,
hanging in the cellar
was just a lady dancing,
and I was lost in her long black hair.
There was a wire whip and scars;
I cry every time I see
the sun; it hurts
to laugh and smile sometimes.
My heart spilt asunder leaving Texas,
and a city of fantastic fakeness,
that I can’t leave all at once.

Dallas:

North Park, where everyone wears polo and khakis,
Danny G and the Band light up the mall;
Trumpet and alto sax; “Summertime”
Old standards that make the white
heads swoon. Fill the glass
With greenbacks. I know
everyone by name, invite them 
to the MAC near West Village
where everyone has a story
and money and are beautiful.

We be so beautiful and cool
   hip and romantic
		The Conduit, MAC
Angry Dog; Café Brazil until at least 2:00 A.M.
Southside on Lamar
Matt’s Studio on the roof, empty
bottles and smoked filled rooms
Sonic Youth and Audio Slave
We are high – minded and gracious
Open to black whites Hispanics
and Asians. We only discriminate
on people not as intriguing and talented
As ourselves. Who can’t laugh
At nothing or strike a pose.
Articulate something about the human soul.
Nikki’s pink and blond brown hair
Shauna’s head wraps, Danny’s Armani glasses
Me, who at any moment may give them life,
Make our nights immortal, put our stars
Into the sky to burn, hotter and brighter – 
We make constellations.
We are fun and eclectic we have grace,
Sangfroid. We perfect the art
Of effortlessness. And, my God,
We are so real. We have overcome
Problems danced with suicides
And addictions. Fearless from kissing
Death, 250 pills and a razor
Our eyes flash dangerously with truth
And darkness. We wear
Our scars proudly. We chatter up and down
Both sides of great topics. Bands
movies, and cookies. We don’t offend
Easily. We aren’t offended.
We flick each other off with a kiss
Punch each other and massage the bruise
We can ride moonlight rays into the sky.
We are friends to the night.
Our cell phones never die.
We drive fast testing the limits of shiny cars
Flashing lights and our own adrenaline.
We are invisible whirlwinds. Touching everything,
leaving nothing the same. We so cool
That we is we; we don’t even need a name.

DeSoto:
I speak and I bless the air,
with my rune covered speech.
When I am happy, the sun shines,
and trees threaten to burst
Like green sunflowers.
When I am sad, it rains;
Driving through Desoto
Going over Cockerel Hill
Windshield wipers clicking in time
with eyelashes blinking tears away.

I had never imagined being sixteen
Would leave me so jaded
That when I sucked the rich crumbly earth 
I would taste the grubworms hidden underneath.

Stanford University with palm trees opening
Like the eyes of the Jewish girl, after our first kiss.
Memories of 5th Ward Houston, Texas:
The dice falling on my Uncle’s crap tables,
Hitting the green felt like a babies rattle.
How every lawn had a broken rusted car,
And children’s feet were scarred
fom stepping on shattered beer glass.

At sixteen, I read Tolstoy, Il Prince, and I was The Courtier
I had shaken hands with the President.
I had written every poem that I ever wanted to write
I had tasted every chitlin I had ever wanted to taste.
I had won contests; nabbed lights and applause;
and GianCarlo, you wouldn’t believe how I had sinned.
At night I would feel the weight of every heart
I had crushed, every promise I had broken
Every dream I had given up; spinning around
the blades of my ceiling fan, scattering like moonlight
across my room.
I would lay in bed and not want to get up.
Wondering what more life could have to offer.

For I had stolen the wheel chair and I was an Eagle Scout.
For I had partied in a mansion, in the vangaurde of a city
Of  1.2 million people, and I had milked the cow.
For I had rocked out at The Door and could screw, chop, remix,
And recite anything from deadprez to Jay-Z
For I had been recruited to sell weed and I was stand up and straight edged.
For I had lived many guy’s fantasies and had tasted forbidden fruits.
For I had prayed and been delivered and heard the voice of God.
For I had been loved and respected, envied and hated.
And my God, I was so real.

That night I almost killed myself
The knife flashing like perch right underneath
The lake’s calm surface.

For I had wrestled with demons and climbed Jacob’s ladder.
For I had fallen in love with a girl 2,000 miles away
Whose name was Mariana, which means “The woman more beautiful than a sunset.”
For I had finally seen the green light
And started running towards it at a terrifying speed
And I haven’t slowed down yet.


Who I Was; Starting Davidson

Emperor Penguin

Ive been frozen in the suburbs for 19 years
without a parka on. Slippin on black ice, all white,
all boy school; Goin between two worlds in one city,
without a snowmobile – I was snowdriftin,
with friends chasin snowpowder,
brain freezing, trippin on ice, hangin down to our knees
wonderin why these white lines were makin nose bleeds?
And why Im behind this dumpster hidin from the police?
Shocked at the world behind popped collars and khakis.

Last month Giancarlo threw himself in front of a train.
Unable to flee suburban gated caged communities.
An atlas on piano he couldn’t shrug the weight.
Didn’t get to see 21, so we pour liquor,
gettin drunk tryin to make tears freeze-dry quicker.
I was trapped in a blizzard and thought he was still alive,
but its so cold in the snow you can’t feel people dying –
And even though my fingers are forever stuck to this pen,
my frost bitten hand can’t ever write him back in.

Crazy to think last summer we were snowdriftin;
Goin to the conduit, mac, and west village,
with shauna, danny, cour, and nikki.
We were all so young, so talented, and so damn hungry
Our eyes so wide we couldn’t watch TV.
My pen’s so charged I short circuited the electricity.
On frozen dark nights I’ve taken the stars and replaced them with black ink.
They call me young Dante cause I’ll show you the way,
And tell you bout them other things.

How I walked 8 blocks with a lonely lady who was an amputee,
but got her daughter into college cause of her infirmity.
Her story made me want to cry, it was beautiful to see
how her love for life transcended her vulnerability.

But I kept my face turned up, so hard and icy
Had to keep muggin them cause they keep muggin me.

Emperor Penguin

You’ve Never Been This Happy

It starts with a pin turning in your lower stomach
Mercury shooting from your belly button to the south pole
Of your twin gas lantern dewlaps. From the belly to the balls
Tingling all the way up the shaft, then shooting straight up
Your spine, alarm cars racing between cells and blood vessels
Til your eyes light up and your legs clench together
And you look around and realize there is no where to go
Your mother is far away, the stars are like buttons,
The bonfire is blazing, it is cool in the Mexican mountains
There are ants walking on cactii, just two feet away
so you start fiddling with your jean zipper
Tryin to switch on that light-bulb, until your poor pecker
Makes winter disappear like a groundhog
And suddenly you are warm, and brave,
And turning in circles, killing those ants
Grand theft auto style, hitting the flame, making them flare
Up like stars, your piss is golden, and just keeps flowing
Like the Rio Grande, hitting the dry dirt with a platter,
Confusing the earth with errant rain, and you hold your cock
Like a first prize blue ribbon and you let it go,
Head tilted back roaring like a lion, a wild kangaroo,
Eyes shining like mad men in Canada
Balls light as pigeon feathers, feet spread apart,
Digging into the dirt like an ostrich,
Your left hand turning your johnston like a doorknob
Waving it up and down like a matador cape
Getting the last drops to melt like snow
You start to remember every other piss
You had ever taken
The first time you peed outside of DCPC,
And the cops drove by, and you ran away
With your dick still out and peeing at the speed of light
Hitting your pant leg, going around like a sprinkler
 or outside of the Senior Apartments
Your best friend standing watch, out under a full moon
Glowing with liquor and the pound of music
Down at the court, in the middle of the court
While people walked around you, under halogen lights
Outside where you could feel the wind, 
The clean earth beckoning your bones
The bonfire smoking in Mexico
The stars like a thousand pinpricks in the sky
As you shake your leg like a rabbit
And give a last few offerings to the gods.


darryl-ratcliff

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