Hannah, here is your birthday song, it took too long, in fact five or six years,
But Hannah it's still your birthday song, so sing along, and don't resort to tears.

Belated birthday song,
A belated birthday song just for you.

Hannah you can sculpt and paint, and gyrate to Beck and sing blues till you're coarse,
You've got sisters Lizzie and Faith, they're in good health! One likes to ride a horse,

Belated birthday song,
A belated birthday song just for you,

Hannah you have ginger hair, and skin so fair, so it's best to stay outta the sun,
And you're a total non-smoker, so you'll live longer than an Albanian.

That's if he smokes,
I don't know the average life span of an Albanian.

Belated birthday song,
Belated birthday song just for you!




Hannah's Belated Birthday Song

It's me and Nick Cave against the world, baby.

Some People In The World Are Selfish Little Pricks

An unreleased song from the Beastie Boys regarding the joys of a UK Christmas in 2019, those time travelling mother flippers. LYRICS ARE THUS:-

So Christmas is here and you know what that means,
Being brassic, it’s a classic a traditional theme,
Waking up to black skies in the freezing dark,
Spending half your fucking morning defrosting your car,
Go shopping in town and fight the urge to kill,
Coz hell is other people at the M and S shopping till,
Cheer yourself up with a gingerbread latte,
Then sadden your spouse with a gingerbread fartay.

You watch Die Hard on the first of December,
Coz it reminds you of the Christmas’s you wanna remember,
Some people say Die Hard ain’t a Christmas story,
But you can’t trust people, coz people vote tory,
Which brings me to Christmas lunch,
You got your racist Uncle drinking and you got a hunch,
That soon he’ll be talking about immigrants and Brexit,
But you can’t punch family, so you just accept his shit.

At Christmas, gotta accept all the shit/racist shit at Christmas

It’s Chrimbo again so your mama’s on the Bailey’s, 
She’s only had half a glass and she’s already acting crazy,
She’s suddenly emotional about the death of  Patrick Swayze.
And your Dad’s had seven pints, so he’s going kinda hazy,
Charades is suggested but everyone is lazy,
So Monopoly is played but your brother’s looking shady,
You ask him if he’s cheating, and he acts like a baby, 
So you tell him he’s adopted coz his real family hates him.

The Queen’s on at three and will she address the mess
That Prince Andrew caused at Pizza Express?
And anyway, it wasn’t him because he couldn’t sweat,
I mean I’ve seen better interviews done by Fred West,
Now it’s five pm and time for the new Toy Story,
And soon the whole family is farting and snoring,
And you reach out with joy for another beer,
Coz it’s merry fucking christmas and a happy new year

Christmas, yeah it's christmas gotta accept all the shit at Christmas

Accept It, It's Christmas

Gemima's Birrrfday Song

What Would The Spice Girls Do? V.2

My friend Karl you have a Hitler hairdo (and you carry that shit off with aplomb)
You teach young kids how to put on condoms (but you're registered so I don't call the cops)
There's been rumours about some knicker sniffing (innocent until proven guilty)
And on top of all this you're just a ruddy great bloke (and I wanna put my penis in your dreams)
You like university challenge, and why shouldn't you?
We discuss the merits of female contestants in a sexist way sometimes
But Karl, Oh Karl - It's Your Birthday

Here follows some of my favourite tweets of yours

Wengers coat is ridiculous#punditry
There's a Frankie Fryers in Shrewsbury! Let's all get the train now!
Susanna Reid looked a bit nice this morning
At least they have Stella. Oh wait, it's flat and shit.
Ain't got no beef with the#queen but that was fucking boring
#Fuckoff#Tory#Conserative

Karl, oh Karl, (it's your birthday, happy happy birthday)

K is for kindness (of which you have abundance)
A is for agility (you always end up on all fours)
R is for reliability (because it begins with R)
L is for love, the love I have for you, you big tall sexy bastard

Karl, oh Karl (let's all dance on your birthday, let's all sing on your birthday, it's your motherfucking BIRTHDAY)

It's as plain as the nose on eggs face.

Karl (Oh Karl) It's Your Birthday

Happy birthday to my good friend Stephanie,
Bitch is so fly she got planes acting jealously,
Bitch is so hot she got the sun saying ‘woe is me’
Bitch is so cool she don’t need ice in her g and t

Not to say she’ll refuse your offer though,
Bitch so polite she make the Queen sound like Nee-Yo,
Manners cost nothing so please and thank you,
It’s your birthday song Steph here come the chorus too…

Steph it’s your birthday, gonna drink some rum for yr birthday (this is somewhat of a chorus)
Hey Steph, it’s your birthday, gonna drink some vodka for your birthday, 
Hey Stephits your birthday, gonna drink g and t for your birthday (being that it's slightly different to the verse)
Hey Steph it’s your birthday gonna drink some whiskey for your birthday

Happy birthday to my good pal Steph Moore,
Girl got a quim the opposite of a car door,
Being that it’s quite petite and not tall,
When I say not tall, I mean it’s really really rather small.

In fact a car door is probably a bad analogy,
I didn’t really think that one through, my apologies,
Talk of Stephs quim; I ain’t seen it though,
So no need for all those green eyed looks is there bro?

Steph it’s your birthday, at least it will be when you first hear this, (no need to get jealous motherfuckers)
Hey Steph, it might not be your birthday, but let’s drink like it’s your birthday (I ain't seen no flaps)
Hey Steph, maybe it’s Christmas, if so then have a nice Christmas,
Hey Steph is it your birthday? Coz I told everyone it’s your birthday! (bring in the ukulele)

Happy birthday to my good friend Stephanie,
I thought you might like the sound of my ukulele,
I play a few chords then all dem girls scream,
They mainly scream ‘Shut the fuck up and can you please leave!’

Ha – ha, I’m only joking bro,
My uke brings in all the bitches and the fly hoes
I digress too far from my first point,
Happy Birthday Steph – and have a goddam good one!

Steph it’s your birthday, gonna have a good time on your birthday,
Hey Steph, it’s your birthday, no pressure but we gotta have a good time, (y'all got look liking you're having a good time people, so start moving or sumting)
Hey Steph, it’s your birthday; I hope that’s been established now
Hey Steph it’s your birthday, so motherfucking happy happy birthday

I like the way you work it...


Steph In Da Club

CHORUS
Ready, Freddy, Go - it's Christmas Time,
Ready, Freddy Go - screw mistletoe and wine,
Ready, Freddy, go it's for some festive glory,
Ready, Freddy, Go - let's go watch Toy Story

Sup byatches, I hope y'all ready,
For this festive tale about a dude called Freddie,
I call him Disney cuz he cuter than Gizmo,
He like to cruise round town looking proper biz, though,
His Mama, she a singer and she is never flustered,
She can play a mean guitar, I tell you man, she's mustard,
She likes to eat jam a lot and that ain't a euphemism,
And her mama is a total hot piece of ass organism.

CHORUS

Stop, collaborate and listen,
Freddie is back with a brand new edition,
He got blonder hair than the whole of Scandinavia,
He got so many moves, man he's our new dance saviour.
His Daddy knows how to bust a floor or two,
And Freddie catching on coz his moves are so smooth,
Freddie got the yummy mummies  saying there is none finer,
They all wish that he came out of their vag- loving relationships with a partner.

CHORUS

Ready, Freddie, Go - It's Christmas Time

Elizabeth, I heard a rumour abt ya, I hear you’re leaving your country of birth,
And Lizze H, if this is true about ya, then let me tell you about the size and the girth,
Of the city, that you’re absconding to, I say city but in actual fact,
It’s a province that is divided into five municipalities and one regency. (WIKIPEDIA)

So anyway Jakarta is about 255 square miles
That’s pretty girthy, yeah it’s pretty big,
And you like big girthy things all over you face, so I think that you’re really gonna like this place.

It’s for you
It’s made for you

Elizabeth, you sexy kickbox angel, you almost beat the living shit out of me, 
Lest we forget, now you can kill someone, thank Christ for diplomatic immunity,
Lizzyshizzle, have I ever told you your England's answer to Tina Fey,
Because you're smart, yeah you make me laugh, and at times I’ve wondered if you were both gay.

I’ve got more comparisons but I’ll leave it there,
Because you’re a unique character,
Just like everybody else in the world, but they don’t get their own unrhyming song

It’s for you

L is for lovely, being that you are so (lovely like a rainbow made of kittens)
I is for imagination, being that you can imagine ( a rainbow made of kittens)
Z is for zzzza la la la la la la
Z is for what the other Z said,
Y is for you, did I mention somewhere else in the song that I wrote this song for you?



David Molby