Relax -- Jessica was a dog and her mistress was my girlfriend Laura. See the black doggie and the cute little blond girl in the picture? That's a representation of Jessica and Laura (but not the real Jessica and Laura).

Seriously, yous guys think of the dirtiest things!

It's a wistful tale of first love, heartache, and pop psychedelia. She was 20 going on 24, and I was 24 going on 16. It was the springtime of 1982; the springtime of the Clash, Simple Minds, The Go-Go's, Marshall Crenshaw, and Soft Cell.

It was a great time to be alive. I was crazy, deliriously in love with Laura, I had more than one or two friends for the first time in my life, I had lost weight, and I had a good AND cool job. 

Okay, so most of our peers smoked heavily, and AIDS was lurking in the background, soon to decimate the gay community, and there was the renewed threat of nuclear warfare from a new Cold War, and there were several bored spies on campus.

But other than that, it was a great time to be alive.

What about Laura? What was she like? Did she really have a polka-dot skirt? Ooh, that's so eighties! What were her measurements? Does she have a sister? And what's with those sugar drops?

You sure are a bunch of nosy bastards, aren't you? Well, you're just going to have to listen to the damn song.

She was a theatrical set designer, a comedienne, and eventually became a labor organizer. Sued a big-assed company and won. 

How cool is that?

Damn cool, bitches. Damn cool.

*Jessica's Mistress* was recorded in 1984 with internationally famous producer, impresario, and tastemaker Jerry Conrad. It's one of the few songs we did that I can still listen to without laughing, cringing, or weeping softly for the loss of my youth. It's amazing what he could coax out of a four-track tin can and a length of twine.

(About the foreign-language lyrics: I know it's crap. My command of the French language was even worse than it is today. *Poursuis-moi.*)

So, what happened to me and Laura? Alas, we broke up. I was, straight up and simple, an idiot. I made every mistake it is possible for a young man to make with his sweetheart, and just to make sure I was doing stupid correctly, I made some of those mistakes twice.

Let that be a lesson to you boys. When a wonderful young woman comes into your life, treat her well, lads; treat her well.

And if you can't do that, at least write a song for her.

---
Additional Note: Two weeks after I posted this, Laura got in touch with me after 35 years to the day when we first met. 

Us obsessive guys keep track of these kind of things.

So, is it love? 

You're still nosy bastards! Just play the damn song, will ya?
---

Jessica's Mistress


Jessica's Mistress, full of love songs
Curly blond hair and sugar drops
Jessica's Mistress, if you see her
Looks at the world, and how it stops

See a girl smile in the park
Hold a girl tight in your arms
If you see her full of love songs,
Hold her tight and love her for me

Jessica's Mistress used to love me
Gave me her secrets and happiness
Jessica's Mistress held and kissed me
Polka-dot skirts and cleverness

Love a girl out of your dreams
Want a girl all of your life
If you love her, clever and happy
Hold her tight and kiss her for me

Cry for Jessica's Mistress, cry for now she is gone
Cry for feelings she told you, cry for you're not the one
See a girl walking away, never to love you again
If you see me, crying and walking
Tell me she's happy, and I'll love again

Maîtresse de Jessica, plein de chansons
Cheveux blondes et dès bonbons
Maîtresse de Jessica, si tu la voir
En regardant tout le monde

Voir-tu un fille heureuse
Aime-tu une fille comme une rêve
Si tu la voir plein de chansons
Embrassez cette fille pour moi

Jessica's Mistress, full of love songs
Dances and makes the stars come out
Jessica's Mistress, bright and lovely
Always a girl to sing about

Meet a girl just like her
Love a girl, make her feel sure
If you meet her, bright and lovely
Sing her a song and tell her for me

                              

Jessica's Mistress

I once had a girlfriend who worked at City Hall in Philadelphia. Her name was Michele, the French spelling, as in "Ma Belle", because *Maman* was from Paris and Daddy-O was from Quebec. Her family lived in Bethel, NY, near Woodstock, home of the world-famous 1969 IBM Data Processing Convention, and some silly rock concert where it rained.

Philadelphia's City Hall is an amazing building. I first saw it when I was about four, with my Mom. It is one of the most amazing pieces of architecture of its age, topped by William "Billy" Penn, dressed just like he is on the Quaker State oil can. It is the king of City Halls.

Philly -- home of the Hoagie, the Cheesesteak, and the metasyntactic marker *jawn* -- has gone through a lot of changes, but, you know what? City Hall is still standing there. It just got a major cleaning a couple years ago. Even got a colonoscopy and some dental work, too.

So there it is, all high and lonesome, the most serenely regal of buildings: City Hall.

Lyrical Content: I think it's good. The parts about the singer's girlfriend could be re-worked, but I'm not sure there is any fine or jail time associated with getting someone through the night. As for "that little girl of mine"? C'mon, it was written over thirty years ago -- don't judge. And, really, does "that grown-ass woman who stays with me because she has extended her consent to me" sound all that much better? I think not.

Indeed, we often think of each other as our special little girl or boy. That's how babies get made, you know. Sick, innit?

Michele and I did not make babies, though we sure practiced a lot. She is now living in the shadow of City Hall in Los Angeles with her husband, a gentleman from Nevada -- where they like their whiskey and their a's hard. Los Angeles has a fine lookin' City Hall, but it's no match for Philadelphia's!

City Hall was recorded at Electric Jerryland Studios circa 1986. Okay, it ain't Mitch Easter's Drive-In, but whaddaya want? Jerry brought in the goods. He made 4-track portastudio music sound almost as good as The Boss' *Nebraska*. 'Nuff said.

---

City Hall


Another day begins at City Hall
The sun comes up and shines on City Hall
People in cars and trains
Buses and air-o-planes
People come to work at City Hall

There's a traffic rush to City Hall
Tickets from police at City Hall
Men and women work all day
Serve the people for their pay
People that we know at City Hall

City Hall overtime
That little girl of mine
Puts in a long, hard day
When she comes home to me
I treat her 'specially
She says she's gonna stay by my side
As long as City Hall is standing there

Students of the arts view City Hall
Old and young feed birds at City Hall
People from far‑off lands
People with local plans
Spies and tourists visit City Hall

The office of the Mayor's at City Hall
Cops and robbers all at City Hall
Laws that they write and break
Bribes that they give and take
These things happen, too, at City Hall

City Hall office suite
Love's wearing out her feet
She's working hard and long
And when I hold her tight
She gets me through the night
Love can't be wrong if she's safe with me
As long as City Hall is standing there

The sun goes down, it's night at City Hall
They turn off all the lights at City Hall
People go home in trains
Buses, cars, air-o-planes
'Til tomorrow comes at City Hall
'Til tomorrow comes at City Hall
'Til tomorrow comes at City Hall

A Sight for Deaf Ears         

City Hall

This was a first-take at Electric Jerryland. It is more hypnotic than anything I've written. It's also a sad song about how love dies. While Jerry and I were trying to produce a rough version of a song, we found ourselves trancing out.

I think I overdubbed three of my voices on the thing. I don't know. I was floating above my body, being tortured by the Hell Demons from the 22nd Dimension.

It came in a period in which I had an unbroken streak of failed romances, including the two best I ever had. Then there were the dead-end jobs, the surly 20-year-old bosses, and the insurance scam that swindled me (and quite a few other guys) out of more money than I could afford -- but those, fortunately, were not matters of love. Still, I felt like I would be on the love-go-round *forever*, endlessly repeating the same dumb mistakes. I would be fated to be the smartest kid in the 87th Grade and still wouldn't be able to know how to act around the 85th Grade girls.

As with most of my stuff, I would like to re-write it some. I knew that I nicked the central metaphor, "love go round", and eventually tracked it down to Gordon Lightfoot's *Cotton Jenny*, which is a much happier song. Besides which, Mr. Lightfoot is a much better songwriter than I am. The lyrics below are a partial re-write. If you follow both, you'll see that the written lyrics are a considerable improvement, but could use even more.

The song as it eventually appeared made a "love-go-round" sound like the Buddhist wheel of Samsara, complete with an endless series of rebirths.

And you know what? I *have* been on it forever. You see, Buddhist afterlife really *is* hell.

Enjoy your stay.

(Ripped-off stock photo: Hunter Kids, circa 1930.)

---

Love-Go-Round


She wouldn't stay, I wouldn't go, she ran away, I wouldn't know,
See you on the love-go-round, see you on the love-go-round

She came a month, I stayed the Spring, always together, did everything,
See you on the love-go-round, see you on the love-go-round

I took her hand, she took my heart, happy until we came apart,
Take me to the love-go-round, take me to the love-go-round

We saw ourselves more than we saw any living thing we could recall,
See you on the love-go-round, see you on the love-go-round

[Instrumental break]

All Summer long, all Winter, too, dreaming about things we would do,
Dreaming on the love-go-round, dreaming on the love-go-round

I played for her, she sang her song, she sang it right, I played it wrong,
Singing on the love-go-round, singing on the love-go-round

Looked in her eyes, rainbows and stars, forgot about sutures and scars,
See you on the love-go-round, see you on the love-go-round,

She looked at me, I tried to say, “I did my best, you had your way”,
Trying on the love-go-round, losing on the love-go-round

[Instrumental break]

Did what I could to get her back, I lost myself in the attack,
Lost you on the love-go-round, lost you on the love-go-round

Once we didn't need one single word, silence is now all that is heard
Quiet on the love-go-round, quiet on the love-go-round

She came alone, already there, I said "hello", she really cared,
See you on the love-go-round, see you on the love-go-round

She went away, I cried and cried, why must it be, love always dies?
Dying on the love-go-round, dying on the love-go-round

[Instrumental break]

I go alone, already there, she says "hello", I really care,
Really on the love-go-round, really on the love-go-round

She went away, I cried and cried, how could it be she really died?
See you on the love-go-round, see you on the love-go-round

[Instrumental break]

She couldn't stay, I wouldn't go, she went away, I’ll never know,
Lost her on the love-go-round ... See you on the love-go-round
See you on the love-go-round ... See you on the love-go-round ...

Love-Go-Round

"We all make plans, and God laughs"
Attributed to Rambam, a.k.a. Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon; known as Moses Maimonides
Jewish doctor and philosopher, 12th century CE


Sara was an awesomely cute Jewish girl. Yes, Dean Friedman, cuter than even *Ariel*, and ten years younger than her. She had an instant crush on me, probably the only young woman to do so in, oh, about 300 years, or however long I've been chasing gurlz. 

Her friends had pushed her (literally) to approach me to tell me that I was the cutest boy she had ever seen in, like, *forever*. She was blushing, shy, and radiant, all at the same time, and I felt like I was in the presence of a real-life Jewish-American Fairy Princess.

I was on Cloud 23. I didn't even think of having sex with her for at least ten minutes. And after about a half an hour of conversation I was ready to start making baby name lists with her.

She occasionally looked over at her friends, who were mostly all giggling. All of them were worthy of any young man's fancy, but I only had eyes for Sara.

Sara, tell me you want me!

And then:

"I'm going to Israel for a year on Monday. This is my going-away party."

I was *verkelmpt*. Reality, Y U hate me so bad?

At that time in my life, I was falling in love at a rate of about five swingin' chicks a week, but this was a real Vise-Grip Of The Soul. Before long, I showed up at Electric Jerryland Studios at one AM with a bad case of songwriter's blues.

Jerry reluctantly put the dogs outside for the evening and mounted another tape on the spindles while I poured my broken heart into his long-suffering portastudio.

It's been 35 years. I often wondered how it might have turned out between us. Sara, you have haunted my dreams forever! Or at least until I fell in love with another young woman a couple of months later. But it still took a suitably long time to get over you, more so since we only met once and exchanged one phone call.

I hope you've had a superb life. L'chaim, baby!

Photo Credit: "How to Get a Shy Guy #4" from WikiHow (http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Shy-Guy)

Why the hell didn't this exist when I was in my 20s? And whose ass do I have to kick?

---

Sara (Write Your Name)


I went out to as club to hear some friends play
Took a girl who got bored, so she didn't stay
Then I saw Sara standing there,
Big friendly eyes and passionate hair
I walked over to her and asked her to dance

Sara, write your name with each beat of your heart
Sara, write your phone number, you're top of my chart
Sara tell me you want me
Sara tell me you love me
Sara write your address with each beat of your heart.

She said she had to go, but she changed her mind
Her ride home decided to leave her behind
We talked until two, and I asked for a date
We exchanged numbers on a foam plastic plate
Who needs to drink or to dance when you're falling in love?

(Chorus)

We went out and we knew that we had a good thing
Sara cried when I asked her if she'd wear my ring
We got married and that band played the tunes
We made a kid on our honeymoon
Someday he'll meet a girl, and ask her to dance

(Two choruses)

Sara (Write Your Name)

In my life, I met a lot of people who I left go of for one reason or another. Mostly, my moving from Philadelphia to another town (Chico, CA; Madison, WI; Northampton, MA), and having to come back for reasons of protracted illness. 

I still regret those losses. 

Don't get sick in America.

---

When a person is alone, all roads lead away from where they are.

Away. Just away.

Photo Credit: Infatuation0000 from Deviant Art.

---

People That I Miss

People that I miss, left them far away
People who I know, but I didn't stay
Faces on a map, days and years behind
People I let go of, memories I find

Who I loved and left, wanting, needing me
Who I loved and left, calling, missing me

Loving hearts I broke, I broke mine in turn
People that I miss, still I never learn
Faces in my mind, voices in my ears
I walked on in time, walking through the years

Who I loved and left, wanting, needing me
Who I loved and left, calling, missing me

People that I miss, lost them far away
People who I knew, but I had to stray
Places on the road, days and years behind
People I let go of, memories and time

Who I loved and left, wanting, needing me
Who I loved and left, calling, missing me

People that I miss

People That I Miss

Terri was not a young woman who I was in love with.

Yes, I know it makes you sad, but there's a good story behind it.

She was the girlfriend of my friend Paul. They were still in high school and I was recently in college.

Terri was absolutely adorable. She was also intelligent, seemed to like everybody; and everybody did, indeed, love Terri. Most of them were young men.

Young women loved her, too, because she was dating Paul and their own young gentlemen wouldn't dare transgress the Code of High School.

I, for one, was amazed that a girl could be that popular and not be a complete stuck-up bitch. In fact, Terri was the very antithesis of stuck-up bitchery. It just didn't fit in with what I had seen in the movies. 

The movies wouldn't lie to me, would they?

Yes, I was *that* naive when I was young.

So I decided to put myself in the shoes of an imaginary geeky guy who wanted to make Terri his steady. I, for once in my life, had a girlfriend, and even *she* liked Terri.

Do people still "go steady"? Probably not. Not even in 1983, dagnabbit. It's all "Netflix and Chill" these days. Kids get away with murder! At least my generation had to make do with "VCR and Hide From Mom And Dad".

Terri was also young enough that my usual horny-geek songwriting wouldn't really work. So it really was a stretch. But I was equal to the task. Paul and Terri were counting on me!

And Jerry said it would do me good, like eating liver, studying Latin, or taking LSD.

It's a cute song. You'll like it. And if you don't, what kind of a cynical hard-hearted creature are you, anyway?

So, what became of Terri and Paul?

Terri married a different guy than Paul. I guess she's about 50 now. And best of all, she has still got it goin' on. Fifty-somethings often just lose all their love for life. Not Terri!

Paul went to New York to study acting and then out to Hollywood. He's been in many movies, several of them critically acclaimed, and has been on a TV show for about eight years now. He does comedy and drama, and also writes better songs than I do. Holy carp, is he talented!

Who says that completely imaginary songs don't have happy endings?

---

Terri's Laws


Studied Engineering and Technology
Studied Quantum Physics and Cosmology
Took a lot of Psychopharmacology
Majored in the Physics of Biology

Studied all the laws of the universe,
None of them made any sense to me
'Cept everybody wants to love Terri,
Everybody wants to love Terri

Met her in the science lab Monday;
Took her to the cyclotron Wednesday
Saw her in the telescope Friday
Asked her to the movies on Saturday

Studied all the rules of the opposite sex
None of them made any sense to me
But everybody wants to love Terri
Everybody wants to love Terri

(Spoken:)
Now when I was in college, I learned that there were
four fundamental laws of the universe. They were,
-- Energy equals mass times the speed of light, squared;
-- Every action has an equal and opposite reaction;
-- All open physical systems lose energy through Entropy;
... and ...
Everybody wants to love Terri

Fluid pressure changes during kisses
S-A Node goes "pop" and heartbeat misses
Forces of the atom make the Earth move
Forces of my heart are things that love proves

Studied all the laws of both Physics and Love
They're making just a little sense to me
Now I think I'm gonna love Terri
Everybody wants to love Terri
Now I know I really love Terri,
(beat) ... I love Terri

---

Photo Credit: Why, if it isn't Kari Byron from the Mythbusters, and doesn't she look yummy!

I'd trade 100 Paris Hiltons for one Kari Byron. No, wait -- I'd trade 455 Paris Hiltons for a metric pound of Kari Byrons. And so would most the the viewers of Mythbusters. Boy, is she cute. And smart. And *cool!*

She's kinda like Terri was. She looks a little like Terri, and her name also sounds a little like Terri. 

So she'll be standing in for Terri today. And what a fine understudy she makes!

Terri's Laws

Oh, gaaawwd, we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. 

This was the first song I ever wrote in my life. I was about 19 at the time. Jerry accepted the challenge from our friend Tom's Mom -- who was a popular comedienne and musician in the early 1960s -- that he could make a songwriter out of me in about half an hour. 

And the rest, as they say, is history.

There's a spooky part to this, which wasn't recorded. We re-wrote some of the verses in the mid-1980s when Donald Trump was becoming (in)famous. We decided to pretend that in the future, Trump -- hahaha -- became the -- you'll love this part -- Trump became the president! Isn't that a laff riot?

It was originally about taxes in the song, but I've left it in the Official Lyrics.

Prophecy! I hate it when that happens. 

Also, that's actually the National Anthem in Latin. 

Well, part if it, anyway. 

---

Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est


Had a girl in 'Frisco, and was she impressed 
When, after I kissed her, un-re-pressed 
I said now! 

Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est, 
Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est 

My folks live down in Philly, they had me for a guest 
I shocked my parents silly, when I expressed 
That...! 

Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est, 
Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est 

(Bridge: Latin phrases) 

My old priest in Brooklyn, Latin he professed 
He transferred back to Hackensack when I confessed 
That...! 

Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est, 
Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est 

Had a talk with my Congressbeing, Donald I detest 
He told me that he's president, but I protest 
Cause...! 
 
Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est, 
Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est 

Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est, 
Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est 

Te Cano Patria; Candida, Libera, Te Referet 
Perverto Devium, Coitam Maximum, Fandango Sprechen Sie, 
We-ee Are So Sad 
PLAY BALL!

---

Photo Credit: Makin' recreational, inter-species, non-reproductive whoopie. 

Of course, when human "furries" do it, it's perverted, obscene, and disgusting, and also part of any good Science Fiction Convention. 

Just take my word for it.

Post Coitam Omni Animal Triste Est

Note 2018-11-08: Okay, I did my do-do diligence and tried to find my co-author. So I'm putting a ten-spot into a special escrow lock box for him and you are now welcome to hear just how hard I sucked.

I have quite a few new songs and they are actually a little more grown-up now. Not that I have matured any. I blame Niagen, Round-Up, and Wild Root Cream Oil. 

Still can't unlock *I Get Up* for reasons of copyright. Drop me a line, and I'll probably send you a Secret Link and put a buck into that lock box. 

Thank you. 

We now continue with our Expanded Introduction:

Needless to say, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY DAVID TWERY AND A COUPLE OF HIS FRIENDS. 

Except for "I Get Up", in which case, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY MARY LEE WOODWARD AND POSSIBLY A COUPLE OF HER FRIENDS.

The photography has been heedlessly pilfered from any of several art websites. I am using it under the Fair Use clause of US Copyright Law. In the event I decide to sell these miserable excuses for songs, I will license or replace the artwork. If any of the artists wish me to take their work down, I will comply as soon as I get the e-mail. It's strictly decorative and I have endeavored to credit the artists. Besides, Soundcloud would just show my ugly mug and what fun would that be?

Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.

David Twery

Popular tracks