bridge shii

I done outlived half the block on instinct alone
missed funerals cause I was too paranoid to come home
bad timing saved me wrong place became right
that one moment I hesitated kept me alive that night

they got murals I got memories that dont fade
I see their faces every time I turn the page
we all swore the same oath ride or die
but Im the only one left to question why

I remember when forever felt like fact
now I walk past corners where we used to be at
ghosts in every spot blood under every name
survival aint victory when you the one remainin

Marcus went first summer 03
stupid argument wrong corner he was twenty three
I was supposed to be there but my girl made me stay
sometimes I wonder if that guilt ever goes away

they called me paranoid for checkin exits twice
said I was movin different losin my edge one night
maybe I was maybe thats what kept me breathin
while they kept that same energy now they barely a reason

Dre caught his case in 06 double life
wrote me from inside said he wish hed thought twice
I sent money when I could but the years stretched long
last letter I got he said dont wait move on

I dont count blessings I count close calls
every scars a decision every breath through walls
forty aint wisdom its just accumulated cost
its knowin exactly what I gained and what I lost

my knees hurt my mind heavier than its ever been
I got sons growin up in a world I cant defend
still wakin up angry that its me and not them
still askin God why he drew these lines so thin

I run into mothers who dont look me in the eye
like I stole somethin by not layin down to die
I got no answers just the shame that Im here
pourin out liquor for ghosts year after year

used to be ten of us deep on any given night
now its me alone scrollin through old pics by the light
of a phone screen faces frozen forever young
Im the elder now and I barely thirty somethin

the block look different when you the last one standin
every corner got a story and they all demandin
that you remember that you carry what they couldnt finish
Im exhausted by the livin when the dyin was instant

they say I made it out but Im still checkin rearviews
still flinch at sirens still avoid certain avenues
still got numbers in my phone that ring to nothin
still hearin voices in my head that wont stop comin

I tried therapy once lady asked what I was feelin
I said lucky and guilty she said that need healin
but how you heal from bein the exception to the rule
how you process that you lived cause you broke played the fool

I think about the nights I chose sleep over the street
the parties I skipped the beefs I let retreat
every time I swallowed pride every time I walked away
them little coward moments thats why Im here today

and I hate that hate that weakness was wisdom
hate that survival meant betrayin the system
we built our whole lives on never backin down
but everybody who stood tall is underground

so whats the lesson die with honor or live with doubt
keep it real to the grave or find another route
I chose breathin and I live with what that means
Im forty with a conscience heavier than eighteen

pour one out if you need to Ill just sit here quiet
I survived the war but Im still in the riot
dont call it change when I move different now
Im still that same kid just the only one who made it out

forty years deep and Im still processin the weight
still negotiatin with God about my fate
still wonderin if Im livin or just slowly dyin late
still here still breathin still carryin that freight

forty

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