lyrics:

that green coat
in that green room
i see you, i see you
that green coat in that green room
i see you, i see you
those green eyes
in that green bag
i feel so bad, i feel so bad
those green eyes in that green bag
i feel so bad, i feel so bad

bury me, bury me
bury me in my own regret 

i feel nothing at all anymore

dry your eyes, maybe cry
make some more and get what you want
make a noise, scream and shout
i love the attention you give yourself
then you'll cry, maybe cry
did i mention you'll probably cry
maybe then, maybe then
it still means nothing to you 

light a candle for the reaper when he comes
tell him i'm sorry that i treated him so wrong

innocence, innocence
any sense, any sense 

i adore that green coat, in that green room under green eyes, oh

green dreams

lyrics:

fill my grave, haunt the day
til morning light
deepest faith, darkest strength
till morning light

i'm no stranger to the way that you're haunting me
i'm no stranger to the way that you torture me

my voices my choices
i'm terrified
i'll let you choose what's truly on my mind

fill my grave, haunt the day 
till morning light
deepest faith, darkest strength 
till morning light

i'm no stranger to the way that you're killing me
i'm no stranger to the way that you raise your speech
i'm no stranger to the way that you torture me
i'm no stranger to the way you're killing me

i know where you keep your heroin

lyrics:
turn the pages and follow me
in to a book of deep regret
turn the pages and find the source of my strangled pain
time in only a question
time is only a question
time is only a question,
I'm trying my hardest to understand

pick me apart and try and see
the source of my deep anxiety
pick me apart,
my body is only temporary

time is only a question
time is only a question
time is only a question,
I'm trying my hardest to understand

I won't hesitate to find,
good reason to burn you to the ground
I won't hesitate to put my actions in to words

00:00

lyrics:
tell all your friends about me
why am i so insecure
bleeding insanity
you contradict yourself so much more

watch me try
watch me die
watch me try
take my life

i am looking for an anchor
something new to hold on to
needless obsession
no one's thoughts and sounds are true

watch me try
watch me die
watch me try
take my life

paranoiac

here is a little cover of one of my all time favourite songs - all rights and credit go to cavetown, please check him out, his music is incredible

lyrics (by cavetown)
circling around the kitchen
why has nothing changed
feed cucumber sandwich to a pigeon
chipping nail varnish on guitar strings
got a pillow case made out of money
feeling pretty fake when i wake up
tissue paper castle paper caddy
scaly little friend's got my back up

didn't give me time to say goodbye in the way that i wanted to
so honey close your eyes and stay like you're supposed to do
don't you wanna give me time to write another song for you

PIGEON - CAVETOWN COVER

Adderall: [stimulant] used to treat Narcolepsy and ADHD

lyrics: 
comforting monotones
that crisp white silver, those gold aching bones
why'd you have to go so soon?
did you feel the blood leave your exit wounds? 
nothing in reality feels safe, the way your whole world seemed to shake
when you screamed like bronze
to the white, white sky
can you see the new moon from between the bars?

and when my delusions fade
i find myself tripping on batteries again
and the clock that's ticking my name
anything, anything to make me feel sane
and when i attach to reality
just one look up and i'm back on the batteries
adderall, adderall, i don't feel you anymore

and i'll write it on the wall, ceiling, floor
pretending to evaporate into nothing at all
when you're ready you can take it all
you can take it all
will you take it all?

back to the chemists [mastered]

adderall

Ativan (lorazepam): [benzodiazepine] used to treat Anxiety disorders

lyrics:
now i feel like
like i'm you
so i put on my shoes, put on my shoes
put on my head and start again
truth be told, my pain threshold 
only copes with the pain i deal myself
i'm so jealous of all the help you get
i suffer in silence, i suffer in death
make an attempt, best shot yet
don't take them for granted
you take me for granted

smash my head, i saw you walking through doubt
dazed and confused, the smell of air in my blood
the house with beams never brought me good luck

and now i feel like, like i'm you
and now i feel like, like i'm used

ativan

Fluoxetine: [antidepressant] used to treat major Depressive disorders

lyrics: 
distant, dramatic
versatile, and distracted
i feel weak and disgusted
but only at night
no more closing doors, there's something crawling under my skin
self loath perspective
we're thinking too much and need to be stopped

i stared at the wall for far too long
hoping to find a reminder of myself
each step i take is a back track
a relapse on your menthol
the candles in your eyes

drown it out and take a dip in your coffee
it's 10:09 again and i refuse to be scared
opening up again
i think we need to start again
whisper words of irony

back to the chemists
the pills i took didn't mend it
back to the beginning where my life was so very empty
crying eyes, but your chest is no longer heaving
don't lie to me, i see past the prescription you gave me

fluoxetine

Haldol (haloperidol: [antipsychotic] used to treat schizophrenia

lyrics:
darkness transcends, staring out of my window again
slow motion
i stop dead in my tracks
the choice that i'm living is a known fact
you're denying me
unless this skin of mine is sewn to every surface that you see and know
i'm nothing
you see, you know
you follow me home and it's frightening

i hit my head off the sanctuary floor
i failed to kneel before you

the only time i'll get seen to it when i'm having from the rafters
collar turned up, fingers tied up
wrists ablaze, your angry gaze
pull up a chair and look me dead in the eye
what am i fighting for

excelling is exhausting, everything's a strain
empty drained, i'll see you again
excelling is exhausting, everything's a strain
i'm seeing stars, i'm the limelight you crave

haldol

Mirtazapine: [antidepressant] used to treat major Depressive disorders 

lyrics:
what's the point in tomorrow when the sun will rise?
i make every attempt to be born again
assured i listen to every word you say
your words are meant to heal me
not conceal me
conclusion is; i'm on the happy pill

take your time, ease you up
make amends, i'll cheer you down
rise against the dying light
the sun will set and we'll begin to fight

that stern pace that you walk in, do you know that we're all gonna die?
my pain is not just physical
don't tell me it's all in my mind
my hands are rough from the sandpaper i used to smooth my wounds
what is passion?
what is pain?
and what is life when there's nothing to gain?

mirtazapine

Naproxen: [nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory] used to treat pain or inflammation

lyrics:
trickery, false flattery
breaking and entering
do my eyes tell the truth?
they're the window to my soul
the road looks like a wishbone
and i'm wishing to go home

all these words i wish you'd uttered
rain cascades, i dance in my lying skin
i tried so hard to find the moon
i tried so hard to get closer to you

you were my mother
and i was your hero
i was your mother when you were at zero
with your snakeskin eyes
i'm terrified

in these words i say i'm sorry
i hope you can fix me, i know you're not worried
falsely accused, do you speak malice or the truth?

naproxen

Paroxetine: [antidepressant] used to treat Post Traumatic Stress disorder.

lyrics:
there's nothing worse than a raging headache
scratching my skin until my blood is no longer transparent
what about this feeling, this plan in my chest when i don't do things right?
is it not obvious?
obviously not
these video games are insane, i do not fit the phase
ride the tidal wave
down some pills and pass away
what are lyrics without passion?
that blade is sharper than iron
curiosity didn't kill the cat, it killed itself
i lay there thinking about dying in the shower
the wires weren't connected, just like my brain
what have i done so wrong?
it was just a game
a craving poured out into something
the nauseous feeling of being alone
my head is spinning, but no one's home
what are lyrics without passion?
that blade is sharper than iron
curiosity didn't kill the cat, it killed itself
anxiety is caused by the thing itself

i don't tell of my pain
'cause there's nothing you can do
speak, or say
to direct me away from pointing a gun at my head on a london train

paroxetine

Ritalin (methylphenidate): [stimulant] used to treat ADHD and Narcolepsy.

lyrics:
cloudy mind
this only comes at night
when it's there in the day it doesn't eat me so much
distraction is a thing that i'm no good at
when i try to leave it only comes straight back
you know i
you know i'm falling for myself

yeah, desperation strikes again
and i attach myself to my cynical thoughts
don't bring me down i'll only bounce back up
you only need me when you've been let down
you know i
you know i'm falling for myself

and i wish the ground would eat me up
because i know in my heart the world won't miss me that much
it's curtain call and i've been held up
won't you come and see me take a bow
you know i
you now i'm falling for myself

you can't fix me so i'll fix myself
sit around and wait for you to burn in hell
whilst simultaneously dealing triple nine
thinking's strange when you're sick and alive

ritalin

Triazolam: [benzodiazepine] used to treat insomnia.

lyrics:
it's darker now and the stars are glowing
it's later now and my confidence is growing
somnolence, dependancy 
i stay awake so that i can breathe

stay and watch me fall apart
i can't wait to see your face as i tear you apart

the blank tv never smiles back at me
slurring speech and your prophesies
i hate your prophesies

somlelance, dependancy
i take you now so that i can sleep
i take you now so that i can't breathe

it's not the worst that it could be
i'm not the worst that i could be

triazolam

Valium (diazepam): [benzodiazepine] used to treat Anxiety disorders and alcohol withdrawal. 

lyrics:
i don't wanna think, i don't wanna know
i don't wanna feel like i let you go

i don't wanna think about the sky that's blue
or how i'm feeling high off the toxic glue fumes
fill my lungs and curse my eyes
i only see what's in plain sight
negligence aside, i think i'm feeling alright
although the grass is greener on the other side
i'm repeating myself, every song sounds the same i'm no indifferent from anyone anyway

the grass is too green, and the sky is too blue
the best things in life only come to a few
the sky is too blue and the grass is too green
the best things in life surely don't come to me

it's back to the beginning. you said i deserved to be treated like royalty, so put me on every medication you can give me. it's not the most poetic way, but at least these are my raw thoughts. subside the pain with more pain, every possible method. subsequent trips to the operating theatre. i'm a performer, my home is the table. feed me those chemicals, maybe that will boost my feelings, nothing will be mundane when i'm brought back to the chemists, again. so slaughter my thoughts, tell me who i'm supposed to me. i would do anything for you. it's just because you're acting your age, and i feel twice as old as i never was. loneliness is impending but weakness is sickening. my skin is crawling and my blood is boiling. i never wanted to be this fragile.

valium

Ziprasidone: [antipsychotic] used to treat Paranoia.

lyrics:
i'm afraid i have to leave
why would you walk out on me?
prophecy, drowning in the deep 
i asked you once or twice
the wallpaper's peeling before my eyes
i hope i don't sleepwalk, i'm terrified
i hope i don't sleepwalk i'm terrified of being afraid
when the nightmares start, don't think too much
don't doubt yourself, don't think too much
cross my heart and cross my liver
i'm done with thinking that i'm better
might as well just say good riddance
look in the mirror and be forgiven
have some heart, lay aside your arms
i forgive myself

when sorry isn't enough
and regret isn't done
dwelling isn't fun
it's time when it's time
we're not made for time

have some heart lay aside your arms
i promise you 
i promise you we'll make it through 

(woo)

ziprasidone

but what really is happiness?

lyrics:
nothing but ringing in my ears
i dance to the sound of my beating and broken heart
once again i felt nothing and no pain
i year for a feeling more than this
i swear every hour i grow colder
watching your eyes from every corner

tell me now who will win give yourself over now before i loose my skin
tell me now if in the wreckage i will find myself alive
routine acquaintances, the sudden urge to gouge both of my eyeballs out
routine acquaintances, the beating, the bleeding 
for something more than this 

picking up my ticket for the long day ahead, tired in every aspect
suddenly i'm nervous for replies
the 12am anxieties i always try and hide

the dreams have begun again 
the dreams have begun again and i'm fading away

nothing to do, nothing but ringing in my ears and the dreams that start up again
these sentences, these words that just appear in my mind
i'm fading

HAPPINESS

this album is about the consequences of your actions

welcome to suicide heights

LYRICS:
we all have our enemies and mine is myself
we all have our fears and mine is myself
it’s been a year since i gave in and went back to the chemist
with a heavy heart, soul burden art, i took all that they gave me and look where it left me
this loathsome shattered heart i use to create art has left me
the wills of forgotten temptations
lack of sleep, too many dreams
have created a damaged vessel my soul abides in forever
although my reflection remains the same
my lifeless body stares and shakes
doing anything to take my mind away, from the hell dealt on my pathway
stars blink, the moon twirls, ash transports me to a paradise world
although this is your war to fight, and mine to win
to stop surpassing my emotions would not let you in
my nausea runs through my tea-tainted blood
i can’t suppress my emotions anymore
i need to stop surpassing my emotions and begin to create once more
through these eyes, see all
my head crawls and my legs are sore
where can i find the solution to my withdrawal?
i don’t know who i am anymore 
i hate this skin but the healing comes from within
i’m just like the others
dig my own grave
to reflect and sit
once more a shattered soul,
my lips are dry and my feet are sore
i can’t find escape anymore, no matter what
i’m always lost
it’s time to change
it’s time to create again
this time,
i don’t know if i mean it
we all have our enemies and mine is myself
we all have our fears and mine is myself

SUICIDE HEIGHTS

ASCENSION

LYRICS:
cubicles that scream my name
i’m tripping out of my mind again
i hate the inevitable way i’ll mess things up again
at last the height has taken its toll
i’m not afraid of death anymore
there’s only so much pain you can drown away
and as the awful rain subsides
i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing

surrounded by the green
i wish i’d spent my childhood climbing
instead of fantasising about dying
the broken gate, straight roads ahead, it’s all a haze
i swear i forget more every day
is it when i feel this way, or is my brain in constant pain?
and as the awful rain subsides i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
i’m standing

and as the
awful rain subsides i’m standing deep in my shallow pride
it was food for thought i thought everything came true for me i thought
everything was on a downwards spiral i thought
i saw my nightmares unfold before my very eyes
looking down from suicide heights
the sickening towers loomed before my very eyes

LYRICS:
i hate how i always break down in your arms
i’m sorry i always break down in your arms
the constant repetitive beat of your heart
i’m sorry for my selfish love
and i’m so alone i don’t even have a shadow
oh, i’m so alone i don’t even have a shadow
in death central

fluoride and such that’s controlling our minds
chemicals in our water that keeps us behind
am i just your fantasy at night, or do you still love me in the daytime?
i hate how i always break down in your arms
i’m sorry i always break down in your arms
the constant repetitive beat of your heart 
i’m sorry for my selfish love

and i’m so alone i don’t even have a shadow
in death central
and i’m catching redamancy doubt out of here
AND I’M CATCHING REDAMANCY DOUBT
I DON’T HAVE A SHADOW I’M SO ALONE
OH, I’M SO ALONE I DO’T HAVE A SHADOW
NO, I’M NOT ALONE I STILL HAVE A SHADOW
NO, I’M NOT ALONE I JUST DONT HAVE A SHADOW
NO, I’M NOT ALONE AND I STILL HAVE A SHADOW

DEATH CENTRAL

LYRICS:
high side slumber life
the alcoholic sleep
i promise i understand addiction more than you think
high side slumber life
the alcoholic sleep
i hope i don’t get too caught up in my morphine dreams

the truth only hurts the weak, so i carved the channel tunnel on my arm
(i was thinking on my feet)
you can’t blame a broken soul
i just want my art to flow
red from my veins
as you inject me up again

high side slumber life 
the alcoholic sleep
i dance in the ashes that fall at my feet
too dazed to realise the time
am i really having fun?
you don’t know how much you crave the feeling
until it’s gone

[trouble seeking burdens like me
climbing the heights in withering bodies
my only hope was expanding in the drop
so my body wouldn’t look so small
when i had hit the ground]

MORPHINE DREAMS

LYRICS:
oh, homesickness
the one thing i truly long for
the comfort of feeling at home,
homesickness

i wept on the floor with grief
for the things i’d never lost, leave me be
is this my mind or is this me?
the familiar feeling of my insides turning inside out

take it away

the ticking of the clock won’t get it’s grip off
and to set myself on fire would hurt less
then to hear the echo of your voice in this emptiness

take it away
unbearable pain

i can but dream of falling asleep
‘cos when i fall asleep i’m terrorised by bad dreams
don’t leave me i need to be strong
IT’S NOT EASY BEING THE ONLY ONE

HOMESICKNESS

LYRICS:
and as the rain doth clear, my thoughts are still here
but the ground has disappeared
and as the rain doth descend, on my heavy hand
i find myself still reaching out
for an anchor, for umbrellas 
to keep my vessel warm
and when there seems no end, my journey has only began

the rain falls down and washes me away
i can’t believe that i feel like this every day

window sills and marching bands
difficult is the task at hand
lift my eyes up to curtains black
fear my only friend i welcome at last
to the open, to the darkness,
to the blinds that i never have the strength to life
to the halo above my window pain
come see the storm that’s about to begin

the rain falls down and washes me away
i can’t believe that i feel like this every day
every day

REVIVAL

LYRICS:
and with the poisons on my lips
i hate waking up like this

my mind is like a kelidascope 
all the colours that i see
all the people round me that i wish i could be
the awful useless, clueless being
living inside my head
shouting colours at my bed
sure a sign that i’m not dead 
but my body will soon be enough yet

and with the poisons on my lips 
and the daylight breaking in
at least the morning has control
more than i did so

and with the poisons on my lips i hate waking up like this

PERPLEXING CONSCOIUS DECISIONS

LYRICS:
i’ll never reach your expectations
who are you to say?
my body in the ground, you’re watching
waiting for that knock on your door
so “don’t you dare ever hasten”
“far too young”
then don’t be raising expectations
death has us all on his list

i’ll never reach your expectations
who are you to say?
death has us all on his list

carpet floors, this is no hospital home
far too young to be cold, complacent
constant;y complaining
constantly blaming
in your sick lungs
the place is cleaner than i thought
especially since everyone’s died…

i’ll never reach your expectations
who are you to say?

I’M IN THIS HOSPITAL HOME
THE LONLINESS LASHING AT MY WALLS
THE DAREDEVIL GRIN
SEEKING PAIN WITHIN
PLEASE COME KNOCKING
KNOCKING
KNOCKING
I’LL NEVER REACH YOUR EXPECTATIONS

HOSPITAL HOME

LYRICS:
they say you reap what you sow
so that’s why nothing i plant ever grows
turmoil, pollution
my black dog, it threw me
stays put like a good boy
comes whenever i don’t call
but i don’t want this pet anymore
tossing and turning all night long
it barks, i wake, it barks, i yawn
but i don’t want this pet anymore
my black dog does more harm

but who else could i give it to?

see me on it’s leash
bound so tight that i can’t breath
it’s collar must suffocate it
but what else can i do, but feed it?
my only fuel
drains me like a vampire cartoon
i’ve nothing left, to care for this pet

i just don’t have the guts to put it down

one night it attacked me
all up my arms it scratched me
once my only friend
but now it drives me round the bend
sinks its teeth right in
this is not a companion
BUT I DON’T HAVE THE GUTS TO PUT IT DOWN
NO I JUST CAN’T BARE TO PUT IT DOWN

BLACK DOG

LYRICS:
the cool nights surrender, blood flows through my open window
they said prevention is better than cure
so go and let me mess up my life some more
but now’s the time to take control
i need control, to have control
but my violent thoughts are uncontrollable

i miss the benzo bliss
the tears erupt fall down my lids
a self distractive void
seek no refuge make no noise

oh, those hazy days
the sun is out but i’m feeling gray
i want the lies to stop
panic, fear, my heart once stopped
beating out my chest,
but, oh believe me, i live for this
yellow euphoria i feel it now and i don’t want it to go
apologies, scattered lies,
i wish i did’t have this awful pride
but with the end in sight 
i cling to my future with bright eyes
would you believe me
or even try?
i learnt more today than in school years gone by

i miss the benzo bliss 
the tears erupt, fall down my lids
a self destructive void
euphoria is all i want to find

EUPHORIA

it is time to leave the towers
i have learnt my lessons
.
.
for now at least

LYRICS:
my soul is in deep anguish 
how long HOW LONG?
just like David 
I call out in despair
to a being 
I’m not even sure is there
clarification or even a sign
horrific nightmares of violence
time after time 
and as the rain turns to snow
my heart begins to thaw 
I’m still not sure who I am
anymore
but this journey of mistreated youth
was the only way to learn the truth
I saw the 
anti christ that lives under your roof 
now I must escape to where 
the towers loom
although dependency is a tenant
I pick up the remnants
of emotions, dreams, hopes, surprise 
but even after all of this time

I’m still alive  

we all have our enemies and mine is myself
we all have our fears and mine is myself

DISSENSION

LYRICS:

red train driving through the night
i saw my reflection in the skies
sat me down, lets talk for a while
the taste of the scene was just like bile
maybe i’m too in my mind
deaf, dumb, and colourblind
looked at myself one more time
and i said

IT’S JUST A DREAM
it isn’t real

your chest feels heavy
and so does mine
like my body being eaten by parasites
i dreamt of my rosary beads last night
lost them in a fight with almighty high
but there is still so much time
i’ve made many plans to end my life
but power comes from the bathroom floor
where i’ve broken down 
too many times before
took myself to the mirror
faced my biggest fear
it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be
like the evil creature he sees in me
looked at myself one more time

IT’S JUST A DREAM
it isn’t real


FEELINGS COME FROM 
SOMETHING NEW
YOU WANT MORE FREEDOM
I JUST WANT YOU
FEELINGS COME FROM 
SOMETHING NEW
BUT MAYBE FEAR HAS ALWAYS BEEN TRUTH

ITS JUST A DREAM

VIVID DREAMING

👁IT'S JUST A DREAM👁
to celebrate Vivid Dreaming's first birthday I went back to where it all began and reworked the original demo I did three years ago (think it's the last thing I posted on here wow)!! You can find the shiny studio version over on my Spotify, it's very different from both of these demos but I love it and am eternally humbled to have been given the opportunity to record it in a studio alongside the wonderful Legion Management. I do feel though that the demo really captured how I felt when this situation was happening and that's what's so special to me about that song. I'm awful at explaining how I feel and often struggle to understand my emotions, so being able to create a track that kinda put things into words whilst musically bringing that atmosphere to life (echoing/ambient effect reflective of loneliness, soundscape synthesiser similar to one I'd heard in a film that just came out, face paced to symbolise how out of control I was at the time etc)was so releasing. I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who's been supporting Vivid Dreaming (all versions) these past few years, it means the world to hear people resonate with it too like this awesome cover by my Norwegian musician friend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HjkH-vZoxs, it makes me realise I'm not alone in how I feel and we're all in the same storm, just different boats. Until we wake up, enjoy this re-wroked demo, pass on the passion and remember you'll get through this -it's just a dream 👁

Vivid Dreaming

VIVID DREAMING [re-worked demo]

👁
pass on the passion 

independent alt artist and poet
👁

dissenter

Popular tracks