What victims are looking for is a “savior” who will make them feel better—a dark knight in shining armor, a saint, a real mensch. But just like with a storm, no one has control over how another person feels about their life—not even the saviors. No matter how many rain dances, prayers, or “rain, rain go away” songs are performed, nothing can make the storms go away forever.

How to Change the Dynamics of a “Victim and Savior Relationship"

I want you to reflect for a moment on the following questions: What’s the first thing you do when you feel uncomfortable? And what do you do, or avoid doing, when shit hits the fan? Now I want you to ask yourself, how are those behaviors working for you? Are you finding the fastest way to safety and comfort, or do you actually work through the issue that arise? Do you throw a fit, or do you overwork yourself?

Crisis or Growth Opportunity? Seeing Difficult Situations As Gifts Towards Self-Fullness

Whether we see the fault in others or in ourselves, we’re missing the bigger picture: relationships are systems, and each person in a relationship deeply influences the other’s capacity for emotional flexibility. Lasting growth begins with learning to observe ourselves in our relationships, being aware that problems do not reside within individuals, but rather in the interconnections between them. When we see our relationships this way, our goal becomes to understand how we may be contributing to our challenges in the ways we interact with others when issues arise. It can lead us to take personal responsibility in our lives and stop playing the blame game.

How To Take Responsibility Without Taking Blame

It’s a simple fact of life that everyone is guaranteed to experience unfortunate circumstances, some more severe than others. Most of the time, these circumstances make us anxious. There are countless things that we must do on a daily basis that we don’t necessarily like, and unfair things will happen to all of us, regardless of who we are. By attempting to shelter the people we love from the natural process of life, we rob them of the ability to develop the strength and resilience they need to overcome challenging circumstances.

The Mistaken Belief That Kids Must Be Sheltered From Difficult Emotions: What Parents Need to Know

There’s a term in Freudian psychoanalysis known as the pleasure principle, which is the instinctual seeking of pleasure and avoidance of pain in order to satisfy biological and psychological needs. According to Freud, the pleasure principle is the driving force guiding the id, the most basic part of ourselves. Freud compared the pleasure principle to the concept of the reality principle, which explains the ability to delay gratification when a situation doesn’t call for immediate gratification. Whether it’s saving for that future dream house, choosing a healthy lifestyle now to stay healthy as you age, or putting up with a difficult job to help boost your career for the long term, delayed gratification can yield tremendous returns while helping you develop a tolerance for waiting. According to Freud, the id rules the behavior of infants and children by only satisfying the pleasure principle; there is no thinking ahead for the greater purpose. Children seek immediate gratification, aiming to satisfy cravings such as hunger and thirst, and seeking whatever they want in the moment to ease their discomfort.

The Benefits of Delaying Gratification: Are You  Avoiding Pain or Living With Purpose?

Here is a cheat sheet on simple steps to building better boundaries. I have compiled this list as a quick reminder for how to set limits in your closest relationships. Let this serve as a reference for when you need to be reminded of this when the going gets tough.

7 Simple Steps to Building Boundaries in Your Most Important Relationships

Allow me to give you some quick advice. Let’s say your family dog just died: “Just stay positive, at least he/she isn’t in pain anymore.” Maybe your grandma is dying of cancer: “Just be positive, she lived a long life.” Maybe you ran out of money again and don’t know how you’ll pay your rent: “Just think positive thoughts that the money will show up in your account.” Or, perhaps, your marriage is on the brink and you can barely stand looking at your spouse’s annoying face: “Just be positive that it will work out.” Are you catching my drift? We live in a sunshine and roses, “stay positive” culture; even if something pretty bad happens, we’re pressured to look at the bright side before we’ve even had time to process what happened. I understand the usefulness of looking at the silver lining, and I’ve definitely pushed myself to see it at times. But I can’t help but wonder, when does staying positive as a healthier way to deal with difficulties turn into a means of avoiding the difficulty altogether?

Being Positive: Another Form of Avoidance?

Have you ever felt like going into hibernation to get away from people—especially those closest to you? When love and closeness get to be too much, the last thing you want is to be around people. They feel like an allergy and threaten your individuality. You begin to think those grizzly bears have the right idea to hide away up to 7 ½ months, cozy and alone in their caves with no problems or emotional burdens. It does sound pretty nice, doesn’t it? Especially when you feel like you’re constantly carrying the weight of others on your shoulders, being overly attuned to their needs and ignoring your own.

When Love Feels Like a Burden: Unpacking the Truth About Fear of Intimacy

Holding on to pain doesn’t fix anything. Replaying the past over and over again doesn’t change it, and wishing things were different doesn’t make it so. In some cases, especially when it comes to the past, all you can do is accept whatever it is you’re holding on to and then let it go. That’s how everything changes. You have to let go of what is hurting you, even if it feels almost impossible to do. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self—a self that isn’t defined by your past, but rather by who you want to be. Oddly enough, painful feelings can be comfortable, especially if they’re all you know. Some people have trouble letting go of their pain or other unpleasant emotions about their past, because they think those feelings are part of their identity. In some ways, they may not know who they are without their pain. This makes it merely impossible for them to let go. If you find it hard to let go of the past, a bad relationship, grudges etc. below are twelve important tips on how to let go so you can free yourself.

Important Tips on How to Let Go and Free Yourself

Run, walk, squat, bicep curl, row, sweat, wipe face, drink water, grasp for air, repeat. This is basically all I’m thinking about during one of the many workout classes I attend every week. My gym is in the center of a Miami town known for its mega-mall filled with high end stores and throngs of window shoppers. Whenever I’m in the mall, where my gym happens to be located, I’m usually surrounded by women and men who look like they should be on the cover of a fitness magazine, rather than sweating it out with mere mortals who eat regular food portions and have more than 10% body fat.

Acting for Self: Making Choices Based on Your Values Instead of the Latest Trends

I hear a lot of financial success stories. But as much as I enjoy them, I often find myself wishing I’d hear more emotional success stories. I ask myself questions like, Can we be financially and emotionally successful at the same time, or they mutually exclusive? We all love those rags to riches stories, where people make it out of poverty and find a way up the ladder of financial bliss.

Emotional Success: Your Secret Weapon for Fulfillment in Life

Dr. Ilene S. Cohen is a marriage and family therapist that is currently working in private practice as well as an adjunct professor in the Barry University Department of Counseling.

Dr. Ilene S. Cohen

Popular tracks