Folks, I don’t put much stock in all that hogwash about 2012 being some sort of Apocalyptic year. But, I’m also an advocate of being prepared. So, just in case the world ends in 2012, here are 10 things you should probably do as soon as possible.

Top 10 Things To Do Just In Case The World Ends In 2012

I know what you’re thinking. That whole Occupy Whatever movement has come and gone. While some may argue that’s true, it’s also why I bring this up now. Because after you’ve been out changing the world, it’s time to come inside and Occupy Your Bedroom.

#OccupyYourBedroom

This week, a video made its way around the Internet of a Texas judge hitting his 16-year-old with a belt. While the video is difficult to watch for some, I feel like it re-ignites an important and ongoing debate in our culture: whether or not we should publicly flog stupid parents.

Dealing With A Problem Parent

Not long ago, The Hollywood Reporter, which is some kind of online smut magazine, published a story with this headline: “Brad Pitt Uses ‘Moneyball’ Promotional Tour to Criticize Jennifer Aniston“.

In Defense of Brad Pitt

As I’ve been telling you, you and I are going to change your life.  Hopefully, you’re up to speed on this, because we’ll be a lot more effective in changing your life completely if you know what’s going on.

It’s Time to Face the Groundhog of Fear

Folks, it’s time for a change.
I don’t mean for me.  I’m happy as a clam who has been invited to a clam honoring ceremony, in which he or she is about to receive an award for Most Delightful Clam.  I can’t think of other circumstances in which a clam would be happy, so that will have to do.
No, I’m talking about you, of course, to you folks out there who are ready for a change.

You Deserve More Than a Crap Sandwich

Dear Dr. Matt-

Hello, My name is Chris and in our High School Biology class, we are doing a project in which we have to interview a certain scientist and make a PowerPoint about that field. I was picked with Gynecologist and I was wondering if you could help me out and answer a few questions. It would be a great help since their are not many Gynecologist out there that have their emails online. If you can help, here are the following questions:

1. What do you do at your job?
2. What type of degree is needed?
3. What types of courses in high school would be helpful?
4. What science skills are necessary?
5. What is a normal day like in your field?
6. What is the expected salary range? (it is alright not to answer)
7. What are the pros and cons of your career?
8. Do you love your career? Why?

If you could answer these questions, it would be great. My project is due on Wednesday, June 15, so if I could get it by then, it would be great. Thanks!

What Does a Gynecologist Do?

Believe me, no one was more surprised than me when Sally Ann Bopkins came to my office this week. You may remember her from my wildly popular snack-sized book, Just Stop Having Problems, Stupid!, a book which is often handed out at the reception desk of many therapists and psych wards.

Don’t Over-Think How Russell Crowe Relates To Cows

I don’t know if you know this, but a crisis can often tell you everything you need to know about a person.  Nothing will separate heroes from idiots faster.  There are plenty of examples in the world to illustrate this, but one that caught my eye recently came from Sanford, North Carolina.

Exposing a Whirlwind of Stupidity

Folks, occasionally people come into my apartment / office looking for a change.  Sometimes it’s a relationship change, or a job change, or a living situation change, or a sex change.  Inevitably, in every case, what someone is actually looking for is a way to change something about themselves by changing something else.

Let me say that again. All of these things that you want to change are probably not the thing you’re actually wanting to change.

How To Change Your Life In One Easy Step

Folks, I’ve been looking at news from around the world, and I’ve been seeing a common theme. That is, a group of people are saying to another group, “We’re mad as hell, and we aren’t going to take it anymore!” The world is awash with protests, and world and local leaders are now having to face the music.

Protests in Egypt, Libya, and Your Nursing Home

Folks, earlier this week, a friend of mine pointed me to this article entitled, cleverly, “Don’t Follow Your Passion.”

“It’s really good advice,” my friend told me.

Now, I took a gander at this article and it took me a few moments to figure out that it was really bad advice posing as really good advice.  Let me give you a tidbit:

Don’t Not Follow Your Passion! Or Not? No.

Folks, it seems like every year we get to a whole new year.  In the past, I know that I’ve said that my only resolution for the new year, if I had one, was to get more famous.  But I’ve learned and grown, and I wouldn’t want you to think that that was my only ambition.

Dr. Matt’s Contract With The Internet

Recently, I spent some time in Belize doing some humanitarian work.  You see, while there are some villages that are geographically isolated and don’t have access to the internet, Belize hasn’t typically been poor enough or problematic enough to attract a celebrity the way that some African countries can.  Therefore, I decided to give these villages the benefit of a celebrity visit.

Snake Doctors Are Highly Marketable

With a busy schedule of public speaking and celebrity endorsements, I haven’t had time to take a lot of appointments from clients.  However, the other day, a client walked in that I hadn’t seen in a while.  He’s the one that I call Freddle, and since I was making up names for him, I thought it appropriate to give him some more, so you may remember him better as Freddle Dolly-Parton McMannohaggonbaum, which, let’s be honest, is far more interesting than his real name, which I’m actually starting to forget.

People Who Set Your Value Suck

Hello Dr. Matt,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, though what we have is a long-distance relationship. Before we finally hooked up, he was broken-hearted because his ex left him. Then, after a while being together, he told me that he loves me and that he no longer loves his ex. When I hacked his email—I know, I’m bad—I saw email trails and chat messages of their love, all recent.
I cant tell him what I saw.  What am I gonna do?

Is it okay to betray a betrayer?

Folks, I read a recent article that said what you probably already knew, that parents love their fat kids less.  Now, the article admitted that parents probably don’t know this, but their actions said it all.  When it came to the fat child, they were less likely to help pay for college or university, and less likely to buy the fat teen a car, even if they might do so for their thinner children.  Couple that with the fact that a child who is much more overweight than their siblings is probably influenced by genetics, considering they were raised with the same diet, and you might have a bit of an unfair situation.

Your Fatness Is Keeping You From Stuff

Ellen DeGeneres!

I know you’ve been waiting for the right time to invite me, Dr. Matt, onto your show. After all, you don’t want to have me on too early, and upstage an upcoming actor like Tom Hanks, but you also don’t want to wait too long, and jeopardize your career. So, I’m here to help, by telling you that the time to have me on your show is right now.

That’s right. Before you know it, you could be sitting down with the most famous doctor in the world without an actual doctorate. I’m offering this distinct honor to you, Ellen, because I see great potential in you. I really think you could make something of yourself. I’m your biggest fan, so it seems only fair that I allow you to tell me the same thing.

I look forward to your phone call, Ellen DeGeneres …or a phone call from one of your underlings to my secretary. Either way, Ellen, I’ll see you soon.

Hey, Ellen DeGeneres!

Brian sat in my office for about 10 minutes while I thought about what to say to him. You see, I had decided to fix Brian. And, so far, Brian was not an easy person to fix.

When Brian came into my office over two months ago, it seemed like he had a fairly simple problem. Everything in his life seemed to be going exactly right, yet he wasn't feeling happy. This was perplexing, for sure, because whenever things are going right for me, I'm completely happy. For instance, I've been on a sabbatical, which is a fancy word meaning "taking a break from doing the divine work of making everyone's life better". I haven't been taking on any clients (except for Brian), and I haven't been as much in the public eye. Taking a sabbatical was right for me, and it's kept me perfectly happy.

So, it didn't make sense that Brian would be doing things that seemed like the right ones, but wouldn't be feeling so great about it. Of course, this got me thinking, which is why I'd been sitting there for a good 10 minutes while Brian fidgeted on the couch. If doing the right things makes you happy, and Brian wasn't happy, then--

"Brian," I said, "I think I know what the issue is."

"Yes?" he asked.

"Brian, have you ever seen Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis?"

Brian frowned. "No, I don't think I have."

"Well, let me break it down for you. Bruce Willis is like Superman or someone like that, and has the ability to see ghosts and read peoples minds by touching them, sort of like Captain Picard on X-Men, and anyway, the thing is, he doesn't really know he has superpowers. He just thinks he's some average cop who just happens to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time. But because he's always subconsciously denied his superpowers, it makes his life miserable. It's not that there's anything wrong with his life, it's just not the life that he's supposed to have. It's not a life that really reflects who he is, which is a guy who can always defeat the terrorists not just with his superpowers but with his clever witticisms, which always makes those terrorists do the wrong thing. Am I making sense to you, Brian?"

"Um..." Brian seemed a little lost, and I could tell that I'd really given him something to think about. I was glad that Unbreakable had popped into my head. It's a character I've always identified with for some reason. I don't know if it's because of Bruce Willis's good looks or his quiet charm, but slap a mustache on that guy and it could be a movie about my life, if you substitute super-strength with the super-ability-to-fix-people and you substitute a weakness for water with no weaknesses whatsoever.

"Anyway, Brian," I said, "the point is we need to find what the life is that you've denied yourself. Something that you've retreated from, or 'taken a sabbatical' from, if you prefer to call it that. While there's nothing wrong with the life you have, it's not necessarily your life, the life that's going to make you 100% Brian, up until you find out Samuel L. Jackson is a crazy mass murderer." (SPOILER ALERT: Don't read the previous sentence if you haven't seen Unbreakable and don't want it ruined.)

"So, what is that life, Dr. Matt?" asked Brian.

"Well, let's find out," I said. "There's no reason to rush things, Brian. After all, we've got all the time in the world, and if we fix you too soon it impacts my residual income." I stood up. "You think about it in the meantime, and the next time we meet, we're going to change your life forever."

I let Brian go and re-scheduled our next session. Then I went to watch some Bruce Willis movies, because it's something you can do as much as you want on your sabbatical. I tell you, this is the life.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

A Sabbatical For My Sabbatical, Part 2

Folks, I’ve been taking a sabbatical for the first part of this year, which, as you know, is a traditional practice for someone like me who normally does the holy work of bestowing sacred teachings to the masses. Such work can take a lot out of you, as there are a lot of masses, so I decided to take it easy for a while and sabbatical it up big time.

The nice thing about a sabbatical is that you can work if you want to; you just give yourself an excuse not to for most of the time. In other words, it’s like attending a university, only for professional people and not lazy hippies.

Anyway, I decided to open my office to clients for a short time last month, and I had a new fellow walk in by the name of Brian.

Brian had stress written all over him. He looked done in enough that if you gave him a gentle shove, he would topple over. To test that theory, I gave said shove and he immediately fell over backwards onto my couch.

“What did you do that for?” Brian asked me.

“Please don’t question my methods, Brian, I’m a professional,” I said. Brian looked me up and down as if he’d never seen a man in flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt and sun hat, which, as you know, is the traditional sabbatical uniform.

Rather than get into Brian’s obvious visible judgment of my appearance, I decided to talk to him about his other issues, or at least the one that brought him in there.

“The question you should be asking instead, Brian,” I said, “is just what the heck has got you so worn down.”

“I don’t know,” said Brian. “Everything seems to be going right. That’s what’s so weird about why I feel this way.”

“Start with what’s right, then,” I said, reaching for a glass of strawberry lemonade that Midgie had made earlier. Today’s lemonade was extra good, which I usually took to mean she was buttering me up for something. However, I’m not a man who resists being buttered, no matter the reason.

“Well,” said Brian, “my life is actually pretty good. I have a great family, and I have a great job. It pays well and it’s a decent schedule. My house is beautiful, and I even have the dog that I always wanted. I don’t understand what else I could put in that mix to make it more great, but… something doesn’t seem quite right.”

“Well you don’t look right,” I said. “Have you ever thought about going on a sabbatical?” I thought for a second, then waved my hand. “Don’t answer that, that might be something you have to earn,” I continued. “Tell me what doesn’t seem right.”

“I don’t know,” said Brian, “but I’ve felt tired and uneasy. Every time I get promoted in my job, I get more and more anxious, even though I know I can do it, and I like the work.”

“Brian, if all we had to do in order to be happy is run through a checklist of publicly-accepted happiness-generating activities, you’d be happy as a clam that is happy from his happy clam checklist.”

“The thing is,” I continued, “none of those things on your checklist have to do with who you are, which is what a happy life is all about. And by the look on your face, you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about, which is where the problem is. Someone gave you a formula for happiness that is just plum stupid, which is how you can be unhappy even in the happiest of circumstances.”

Brian, like many others who had sat exactly where he was sitting, just looked at me with an expression of pure confusion.

“Look at it this way, Brian,” I said, “you yourself have found a logical flaw in a belief system you have. You have no ‘reason’ to be unhappy, and yet you are. As a result, you’ve concluded that what’s wrong must be you, instead of the premise of that belief.”

I let that sink in as I emptied my lemonade. Getting treats from Midgie was one of the unexpected bonuses of going on a sabbatical, and some treats were extra special, such as activities where we invited our friend Kate. Just the same, I was getting restless on this sabbatical, and I figured I should probably get back to a full work schedule again. But for some reason, the thought of doing exactly what I was doing before wasn’t that motivating. I couldn’t imagine any pinnacle greater than the kind of work I do, so this was a bit confusing, but that’s what sabbaticals are for: to wait around and not think about stuff until you get bored enough to go back to what you were doing before.

Brian shook his head. “Dr. Matt, I couldn’t think about anything to change, really. What would I even do differently in my life?”

“That’s not the problem,” I said. “The problem is that humans evolve. Some humans evolve quicker than others, and some humans do everything in their power to evolve as slowly as possible. But, for you, you’ve come to a point where resisting your evolution is consuming all of your energy. It’s not about what you do differently, Brian. As I said, this is about who you are. This is about being something different. What you do as a result is irrelevant.”

I could see that this got Brian’s wheels spinning. “But… what would that be? What does that even mean?” he asked me.

I rubbed my mustache. “I’ll tell you what, Brian. I’ll take you on as a client, and we’ll figure it out.” I figured it was easier to tell Brian that than to tell him I hadn’t the foggiest how to answer that question. Sometimes, when you don’t know something, stalling for as long as possible is the best strategy.

I ended our session and scheduled another one with Brian for a month later. I figured I might as well get back to work. Of course, in the meantime, I headed to the kitchen for more of that tasty lemonade. Midgie always picked up fruits from the cart that a local guy, Gustav Streiff, set up by the farmer’s market. I’m glad she had such an aptitude for making such delicious fruit drinks and smoothies, because I never seem to know the first thing to do when Streiff hands me lemons.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

A Sabbatical For My Sabbatical

"The next time we meet, we are going to change your life forever."

That was what I had said to Brian the last time I'd met with him, and here he was again, sitting on my couch. Normally, I don't think much about just what the heck I say to anyone, but since I'd been on a sabbatical, Brian was the only client I'd seen. So Brian kept getting stuck in my head like that alien worm in that "Star Trek: Khan" movie.

Now, when Brian had told me that he was unhappy even though his life was happy, I had assured him there was another life he needed to have. I told him he was probably like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, and any day now he would discover who he really was and start saving some children while avoiding swimming pools.

The problem is, no matter if all that was true, none of that seemed to be sitting right with Brian, or sounded right when the words came past my mustache. Normally, pretty much every word that travels out of my mouth sounds dead-on, and it was irritating me that solving Brian's life had me so pickled.

"Brian," I said, "I give up."

Brian looked a bit confused. "You give up?"

"Yep. You see, Brian, everything I've said to you should have been the right thing. Most clients come in here, and I just say the first thing that comes off the top of my head, and then kablam, problem solved. It's either that they need to stop being an idiot, or they need to stop acting like an idiot, or they need to stop thinking that they're an idiot."

"Okay," said Brian. "And what about me?"

"It's obvious I don't have a plum clue about you, Brian. And I always thought I had an answer for everything. I gotta tell ya, you've really ruined my life."

"I'm... sorry?" Brian stuttered.

I waved his comment away. "I wouldn't be sorry. Sometimes life needs some ruining. And then what you do is you let that life go and you make a new one. It may look almost identical to the old one, but the difference is that you know something different about that life. So how you treat it is going to be a heck of a lot different than before. I used to think that what defined me, Dr. Matt, was that there wasn't anything I couldn't solve. But maybe what really defines me is that there isn't anything I'm afraid to face. Also, my mustache."

"But what about me?" said Brian. "I still don't know what to do about my life."

"I haven't the faintest, Brian. I'm sure it's simple, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is. And for whatever reason, that seems perfectly alright by me."

Shortly after, Brian left my office. He tried to start a debate about paying for the session, but I'm not running a charity here.

I went downstairs and found Midgie, who had just finished making some of that tasty strawberry lemonade, and handed me a glass like she'd been waiting for me.

"How did it go?" she asked me.

"You know, Midgie, it went pretty well," I said. "In fact, I think I might get back to work, and give the world a lot more of me. Regardless of what the world thinks it wants, it's really the best for me. I'm glad I did this sabbatical. I learned something about me, and I did it without anyone else's help. I learned that I'm not afraid to face anything."

Midgie put down her glass and smiled.

"I'm pregnant."

A Sabbatical For My Sabbatical, Part 3

Satirical author and blogger Dr. Matt gives advice on relationships, sexuality, life, death, pet ownership, and mustache grooming.

You can ask a question to Dr. Matt on SoundCloud, or on the Facebook fan page.

Dr. Matt

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