August

We've upgraded from the "crappy phone recording" to the "somewhat better cubase recoring"

Lyrics:

my voice is far
a distant dream
held by a memory.
that blue haze
felt warm to me
back when i felt a thing.

the chase, the glimmer in the night
deep breaths, the way it felt to smile
loose ends i couldn't wait to tie
this body isn't mine

tell me who 
you're speaking for
i didn't think those words
i reached for help
you buried me
kept me from all i love

the stars, the way i came alive
the feeling that my heart could set a fire
the beauty in ambition and the fright
the color in my eyes

how did it get so cold

This Body Isn't Mine

Please this is the funniest thing I've ever made

CoD with the Boyz

I didn't know that I wasn't the same
Holding myself in particular ways
Watching for words that would wrongly convey
Learning to hide me to make you feel safe.

Now I'm rewriting the story thus far
Refuting your version of how things are
Watching you wrestle to cling to your truth
Words of opposition spell danger for you.

If you didn't see then it wasn't real
If you didn't like it then it disappeared
If you didn't want it then it wasn't real
If you didn't like me then I disappeared.

Fight, or Flight,
Or Freeze or Fawn,
You gave me
My fear response.

Trapped in your garden and bristled with shame
You placed upon me to shirk off the blame.
Pulled at my roots when I begged you for rain
I was in trouble, I was in pain.

If you don't see it then it isn't real
If you don't want it then it disappears
If you don't like it then it isn't real
If you don't want me then I'll disappear

Fight or flight
Or freeze or fawn
You gave me
My fear response

When you screamed, I dematerialized 
Traded your horror for my paradise
That's when I learned I could close my eyes
Nothing left to fear.

If I can't see it then it disappears
If I don't like it then I disappear
If I don't want it then I disappear
I close my eyes and know I'm safe in here.

Fear Reponse

All my life I thought I
Was alone in my mind
Then I would be proven wrong
With you in my eyesight
I still never realized
There was somewhere we belong

Forever I’ll feel i’m falling down
Trapped inside the underground
Wondering if I could truly ever mend
Dismantling the world I’m in
Desperately to comprehend
How the pieces ever come together in the end
 
Searching in my prison
For any mechanism
Something that could lift me out
I have what I was given
And that’s shame and dereliction 
Weapons made of fear and doubt

My reflection never fits
My eyes don’t have me in them
Always feeling like I’m severed into pieces
Holding parts of me at bay
Living days in separate lanes
Wondering why I can never seem to stay the same.
   
Never seem to stay the same

Mirrors are messengers
I see the truth
I live in fractions 
That shattered my youth (x3)
Mirrors are messengers
I see the truth
I live in fractions
I’m shattered by you.

Mirrors

When I was too young 
I knew that I was wrong
That I would have to learn
To survive on my own
That I just wasn't worth the time it takes to nurture
And I started to hear you
I thought it was games
Like ones we loved to play
(That's all it was)
The chess set on the table
Beaten by a fable
(You made it up)
Worlds inside my head
Build to keep me safe from
What's inside the black room

Tried to calm our body
Tried to ease our mind
No amount of stories helped us sleep at night
I needed connected needed some protection
(You just didn't try hard enough)
From what's inside the black room.

I could write a book in languages I made
But I couldn't decode the looks on all their faces
I just want to solve the feelings I can't explain
(Get a grip, you are being dramatic)
Like what's inside the black room.

Listen to your teachers, parents and your preachers
You aren't a believer you are a deceiver
Preying on the people praying at your steeple.
There's nothing in the black room.
I should pull this rug from underneath your feet
Tear apart your castle, rip you at the seams
Take over your body, force it back to sleep
There's nothing in the black room.

I don't wanna hear it anymore

I don't think you have the choice

I don't wanna feel all this remorse

I can hear it in your voice

How can you say that this is fabricated?

I'm losing my mind and I know it I know it I know that i

Burned us at the stake before we got to trial.

Just another psychopath on the path of destruction aren't I?

The Black Room

Locks on the door to keep me inside
(If I hold you here we might survive)
Locks on the door keep me paralyzed
(I can feel her racing against time)
(Scared if she leaves, and scared to react)
Why won't you let me fade to black?
(Apologetic hands on the latch)
Give up the ghost to get me back.

I am liminal
(Can you hear me, can you hear us we're calling out)
Let my blood run cold
(Are we phantoms I feel myself fading now)

Locks on the door will keep us alive
(There must a be a better way to fight)
Locks on the door to keep out the tide

(I can see the ocean in her eyes)

I hear the song
Ticking of clocks
Shadows on walls
Heartbeats and calls
From down the hall
Burned in my skull
Ripped from my home
Once and for all
I've had enough
I think I'm done
Bury it all
it's just in my blood.

I am liminal
(Can you hear us we're calling out)
Let my blood run cold
(Are we phantoms, I feel myself fading now)

I've always dreamed I could speak to the dead
That I could walk in between
Lifting the cage ripping out of my skin
Now they're speaking to me

I am liminal
(Can you hear us we're calling out)
I can't hear you now.
Let my blood run cold
(are we phantoms, I feel myself fading now)
I'm a phantom now

I always dreamed I could speak to the dead
Now they're speaking to me.

Liminal

There is something wrong with me
I am mired by this grief\
It shouldn't have been you
It should've been me
I saw you as a haven
But I took up all the space
It shouldn’t have been you
It should've been me
And if you couldn’t go on
Knowing how similar we are
How could I ever contend
With the choir in my head
And I saw you as a mirror
When we shared our skeletons
But if If you couldn’t survive it
Then I don’t know how I can

You were too young
You thought that you were wrong
That you could never learn to survive on your own
That  you were never worth the time it took to nurture
And I just didn’t hear you.

Yes, I blame myself for this
Due to all my selfishness
It shouldn’t have been you
It should’ve been me
You were drowning in the depths
Sending signals that I missed.  
It shouldn’t have been you 
It should’ve been me

How could I ever atone
Not for the all things I’ve done
But for all the times I knew
That you needed someone
(you needed someone too)
Inaction is still action
Silence was my crime
(there was nothing you could do)
And if I had any courage
Then you might still be alive. 
(You know that’s a lie don’t you?)

I’ll always miss the way
You laughed, the way you sang
The way you made it better
Systems in your brain
I would wake up with you
Coffee in the rain.

Valhalla

Exulsansis

You are safe with me
A thousand little horrors haunt us
 When we sleep but I can promise
You are safe with me
With the light that I am holding
As we shake against the molding

Hush now
Darling
I keep them at bay
Those thoughts make
You oh so afraid
I keep them at bay
Safe inside our haven
At least for today

You are home with me
A thousand steps on broken tiles
Made it worth all of the miles
You are home to me
I can see you in the kitchen
With your worries and your visions

Hush now
Darling
Tell me that you’ll stay
Here in my hands
Smiling at your name
The moniker we made
Safe inside our haven
At least for today.

Hush now darling
It’ll be okay
If the worst comes
Find me in the fray
Seek me in the willows
Where the roots may break.
We will be okay.

Willows

I have always 
Dreamed of more
Thought the earth was kinder
Before I felt its storms
I built fires to keep me warm
Now there’s nothing left to burn
In a world that’s keeps its scores

I burned everything it took
To save me from the dark
Now  when I see your light
I just can’t recognize its spark
I’m too scared to look 
Because the universe is sharp
If I feel it I might fall apart

Every time my fire goes cold
I close my eyes and I pretend I’m home
Where the paint is always new
Where someone who loves me never leaves me black and blue

I learned to erase myself
To keep my body safe
Made these lives inside my mind 
To keep the pain away
Now I’m scared to look
Because all I can see is shame
If I feel it I’ll never feel safe

Lullaby Lily

Valleys in my vision
Tell me what I’m missing
I am made of wishes
Not my own, but vivid
I have swum through oceans
Lived outside of moments
I can see the distance
Between me and my many faces

Free me from myself

Discord in my mindscape
Pushing back on blind faith
Up against these nine blades
For fear that it’s not safe
I hear all the voices
I can’t keep it noiseless
I can’t hide It’s pointless
I was never given choices. 

Free me from myself

Voices in my head
Tugging at my threads
Clocks tick, bells ring
I am listening

Clocks

I can't fill that space you left
Heavy bones and empty breaths
Why shouldn't I be laid to rest?
If you couldn't do it, I can't

Breathe in this air
(In this air)
I can't see when you're not there
(you're not there)

I always held to little hopes
Evening rain and coffee cups
That look in their eyes every time
I loos my mind
"You're Fine" they say "It just takes time"
If you won't hear me, I won't

Breathe in this air
That sleeping bear
That you won't see
Til I'm not there
That far off stare

I can't breathe
I've fallen in the raging sea
I can't breathe
Anymore.

Coffee Cups

I sit alone
Stuck in memories of the past
I'm calling out
But my voice just echos back

Every day I wake up with that terror in my eyes
Searching for a spark in me that I just can't revive.

I sit and dread
Every moment that comes next
This little threat
Only barely holds my head.

Every day I try to tell you I don't feel alive
And all i'm getting back is that I never really tried.

Falling

This was my lost friend’s favourite song of mine. Rest in Valhalla, Solomon.

My voice is far
A distant dream
Heals by a memory
That blue haze
Felt warm to be
Back when I felt a thing

The chase, the glimmer in the night
Quick breaths, the way it felt to smile
Loose ends I couldn’t wait to tie
This body isn’t mine.

Tell me who
You’re speaking for
I didn’t think those words
I reached for help
You buried me
Kept me from all I love

The stars, the way I came alive
The feeling that my heart could set a fire
The beauty in ambition and the fright
The color in my eyes.

How did it get so cold.

this body isn’t mine.

I know exactly where I messed up lol.

———

If I were a fire, would you feed the blaze
A high reaching pyre, get lost in the flames
Cuz right now I’m ice, frozen in place
Waiting to shatter and fall through the lake

Oh I know you wanted more
I promised you mountains and gave you a chore

If I were a fire that you dared to hold
We’d be much mightier than heaven and earth
But I’m in the water just counting my breath
Reaching for skies that got lost in your wish

And I know you wanted more
I promised you mountains
And gave you a chore.
Yes I know you wanted bliss,
I promised you valleys sealed with a kiss, 
But I was remiss.

If I were a fire
Would you pour the sand
And maybe tomorrow
We’ll try again
Cuz I’m not as  strong
As I used to be
And I’m not so sure what
That means for me.

i know i wasn’t good enough.

There is no way out of here
I see your face in that empty mirror
All I have are all your words
Wishings and wantings and dreams of a cure

Please wake up tomorrow and sing us your songs
We’ll laugh how it was just a dream after all
And you’ll never question again that you’re loved

So won’t you come home
Back to the evergreens
Back to that hope
And all of those things you know
That we’re all gonna make it somehow

That light so bright it radiates
I felt that warmth sitting under your rays
What I’d give to be that place
A shield from the shadows the end 
To your pain

Please wake up tomorrow and sing us a tune
We’ll laugh at the oceans that swallowed us too
And you’ll never question the fire in you

So won’t you come home
Back to the evergreens
Back to that hope
And all of those things you know
That we’re all gonna make it somehow

So won’t you come home?

Evergreens

If you like bad phone/audio recordings of mostly-completed-but-not-always songs where I'm sad a sad kid on a keyboard, boy is this the page for you.
I have zero idea how to make things sound good all i know is how to be sad.

Ellery Price

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