A soundscape I made in Chemnitz after travelling there for three days without my phone guided by letters written by Nastja Säde Rönkkö. In the soundscape you can hear ambiences I captured on my way to Chemnitz as well as two out of the seven letters I had with me.
photo by Benjamin Gruner

a journey for elsi -soundscape

ah it was all just a dream
Nothing interesting ever happened to me
Nothing came to past
Nothing shattered my sole
Nothing flipped my world upside down

forever floating

yet my body tells another story
bruised skin
yes I have lived
infected pimples on my forehead 
smile more crooked than originally intended
oh how I have lived
all my hair is gone
my womanhood lay on the coiffeuse's floor
green and brown and green
my spirit floats but my body has lived

and yet nothing has happened
since the day I rushed away and didn’t look back

to float / to live

river (Mitchell cover)

billie: All of me, why not take all of me can't you see I'm no good without you

it sucks to be me
it sucks to be me

am I waisting my youth staying in love with you

I know I know I know
letting go of this hope
is what i need to do to cope
I know I know I know
too many emotions in my head
most days I can’t get out of bed
I know I know I know
just a bit of your attention 
is enough to set lose my imagination 
I know I know I know
just a text with three words
boom here comes insomnia

I'm never ever gonna fall in love again
I swear ill never fall in love again
I'll never ever fall in lava lava lava
(bitch why would i fall in lava? I live nowhere near a volcano) 
I'm never ever gonna fall in love again
I swear I'll never fall in love again
it's too much work
my brain constantly hurts

besides I have the most tremendous spectacular beautiful winning smart terrific great amazing phenomenal succesfull strong fabulous
pair of feet 
I will learn to stand on my own feet
I shall learn to guard and focus my energy
become everything i have the potential to be

billie: can't you see I'm no good without you

I wonder what the names are that you call me in your head
to me you’re dead
to me you’re dead
I'm done with being the bigger person
my knuckles turning white and red

weren’t you taught sharing is caring 
weren't you taught all men are equal
mm I see, by all means 
take what isn’t mine
all i have is time

I'm waiting for you to mess up in this game that you have set up
I know I'll lose 'till you’re fed up

I wonder what the names are that you call me in your head

It sucks to be me
It sucks to be me

billie: you took the best so why not take the rest, baby take all of me
fuck it


samples from Billie Holiday's All of me and freesound.org

b-side

1.
I'm pretty sure you're better off without me, honey
no need to be afraid I'll go insane brake your heart no more (what is done is done)
remember all those times I told you you deserved better than me
well, i was right, you’re better off without me

believe me
I didn’t mean to be mean
believe me
if i’d  known what i know now 
I wouldn’t have treated you like shit

quit crying
chin up baby
and start living my own damn life
look out from my window
like the traffic never stop neither will my heart loving loving loving loving

2.
I'm pretty sure I'm better off without you, honey
no need to try and fit in a pretty little box no more (I don't recommend)
remember all those times
you fixed my problems for me 
well, turns out, I better learn to live without you

believe me
I feel like I’ve lost a limb
believe me 
if I'd known that happiness is rare 
I wouldn’t have treated you like air

quit crying
chin up baby
and start living my own damn life

I'm not someone who falls out of love
still kinda like the boy I liked in grade one
my heart doesn't open and close
it is ever growing
sure it hurts when warmth goes to waste but what would be the point of living
if I'd make myself cold and ungiving

losing a limb

the silver lining of my suffering to know
I'm loving you with everything I have to give away
my heart has forgotten how to beat
on it's own with a rhythm soft and trustworthy
how am I supposed to fall asleep alone?
now all the warmth has gone to waste
giving and keeping are not the same
I've heard feelings tend to fade
existing in one place at a time is a 
difficult task for a wondering mind
lights too loud and sounds too bright
you wash my colours away from your bedsheets
I try to unlearn the way that I breathed in the golden cage she built for me

I have a tendency of diving too fast too deep
I bonk my head on the bottom of the picine
you're a fool to believe you could have everything
I'm a fool to believe I could exist beyond my golden cage once so cozy and blissful
this is not about choosing you over her
this is the story of how I fell for you and will forever love her
I wanted to fall I wanted to dive I wanted to bleed
never to hurt never to leave

time heals wounds made of black and white
only neon splatters in my inner fight
is it too late to flee out of sight?

the silver lining of my suffering to know
I'm loving you with everything I have to give away

Elsi Sloan

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