Jerrlyse

(originally posted on my tumblr!)

I think you forget that I’m not like them
I don’t always tell you that you’re the best
You don’t often hear me say your name to your face
But I remember that was never the case

I don’t think you realise I was always yours
I may have been an asshole, but it was all because
I got a little sad and you got a little lost
It was a phase, I never got past it though

For so many nights
I watched the shadows fleeing from the light
I can’t say I blame them, the brightness hurts my eyes
The shadow always kept me company until the sunrise

All I’m trying to say is that I don’t know
I suck at saying sorry
but I’m sure you know that twice as well as I do
so I don’t have to tell you
I bang my head against the wall for shame
But I don’t blame you

I never could forget all the finer parts
The colour of your eyes and the way you pause
When I would say I need you
The thing is, I still need you
I dream of pushing you against the wall so I could breathe you in

And for so many nights
I watched the shadows fleeing from the light
I can’t say I blame them, the brightness hurts my eyes
The shadow always kept me company until the sunrise

I think you forget that I’m not like them
A little misdirection won’t do me in
Tricks of the light won’t work so well
'cause I don't need to see you to know you're there

For so many nights
I watched the shadows fleeing from the light
I can’t say I blame them, the brightness hurts my eyes
The shadow always kept me company until the sunrise

I never could forget all the finer parts
The colour of your eyes and the way you pause
When I would say I need you
The thing is, I still need you

Chasing Shadows

(originally posted on my tumblr!) 

I keep having this dream about clothes
threadbare, unraveling at seams
I feel like floating, drowning
in a violent stream of sounds
Seems somebody is holding me up
I can taste the water from my lungs
seems somebody is keeping me up

The tower so high, the places I fall
The top where you stand, where you see it all
The mountain is far, the river is cold
The blue in your eyes has darkened to coal
And now we know 
It takes two to fall

I keep pushing my feet as I run
breathless, dizzy with the fear
I see afternoons bathed in the colours
of bruises and sunsets and fire

It seems somebody is falling behind
I can feel the stitches at my sides
Seems somebody is waiting for a sign

The tower so high, the places I fall
The top where you stand, where you see it all
The mountain is far, the river is cold
The blue in your eyes has darkened to coal
The lost and not found, the games that we know
The light and the shadow, the story untold
And now we know 
It takes two to fall

It takes two to break and bend
and though I cannot see the end
I will run and reach the end if you wait for me
Promise I’ll meet you there
It takes two to heal and mend
It takes two to breathe again
Still unsure how far it goes, but I see it clear
the shadow is closer again

The tower so high, the places I fall
The top where you stand, where you see it all
The mountain is far, the river is cold
The blue in your eyes has darkened to coal
And now we know 
It takes two to fall

It Takes Two

Hid from the light, hid on my own
So this is what happens when it all goes wrong
Lost in those eyes, lost in that song
Wondering what happened to the one I adored

I guess it’s too late for it now
Might as well run ‘til my feet give out

The wind on my face feels good as I race
Toward that horizon, toward saving grace
I’m still much too jaded, a little unrestrained
But it’s better than nothing and playing it safe
Because I’m a little alone
And a little afraid
And a little messed up
And a little ashamed
But the wind on my face keeps me awake

Tried to find to peace, looked high and low
But there’s always something that always goes wrong
Lost in the dark, but I know that song
't was something I wrote from the days long gone
Here I’ll concede to the harsher of days
I’m sorry I’m weak and I’m strong enough to break

I guess I’m too late for this now
Might as well stay and let it all out

The wind on my face feels cold as I stay
Looking for that horizon, for that saving grace
Am I still much too jaded? Am I still unrestrained?
Is this better than nothing? Should I play it safe
Because I’m very alone
And very afraid
And very messed up
And very ashamed
And the look on their faces keep me awake

I guess it’s too late for it now
Might as well run ‘til my feet give out

The wind on my face feels good as I race
Toward that horizon, toward saving grace
I’m still much too jaded, a little unrestrained
But it’s better than nothing and playing it safe
Because I’m a little alone
And a little afraid
And a little messed up
And a little ashamed
But the wind on my face keeps me awake

Hid from the light, hid on my own
So this is what happens when it all goes wrong
Here I’ll concede to the harsher of days
I’m sorry I’m weak and I’m strong enough to break

Portraiture

This is the part where I close my eyes
This is the part where I shun out all the light
This is the part where I dream of all that had been
and all that I thought was right

This is the part where you turn around
This is the part where you gently let me down
This is the part where you leave me out on the streets
and the darkness burns so bright
Do you lie awake at night? Tell me

How do you sleep so peacefully
knowing you’re invincible, so invincible
Without you I can’t find peace
I am so invisible, so invisible

This is the part where I close my eyes
This is the part where your words cut through like knives
This is the part where my dreams become could-have-beens
and my shadows come to life
This is the part where the light comes

How do you sleep so peacefully
knowing you’re invincible, so invincible
Without you I can’t find peace
I am so invisible, so invisible

This is the part where I close my eyes
This is the part where you turn around

Now I try to sleep peacefully
Become more invincible, less invisible
But your light still calls out to me
You are still invincible, still invincible

How do you sleep so peacefully
knowing you’re invincible, so invincible
Because without you I can’t find peace
You are so invincible, so invincible

Invincible

Some nights I can’t sleep
And I’d wonder what you dream about
Do you see me?
Do you see the times we’d lie awake
Under these sheets
With all of the seams between us sewn shut
All was fine

Cold nights on my own
Never felt so hollowed out
Too dark, alone, now that you have left me
I can’t breathe under these sheets
When all of the sheets between us split apart
Only a thread hangs on

I have been waiting for a sign from you
Anything that tells me we’re not through
And I have been hoping for the chance to say I’m sorry for the things I did not do
But each time I think I’m closer to the shadows, there’s a light that drowns the darkness
And I feel so confused
But I try to pull through
And I sleep, and I see you
And I know it’s not true
But it’s better, so much better than nothing but blue

Long nights with myself
Reaching out in silence for anything to hold
because I confess, I still see us together
Lyin’ awake under these sheets
with all of our dreams alive and coming true
Tell me what more to do

I have been waiting for a sign from you
Anything that tells me we’re not through
And I have been hoping for the chance to say I’m sorry for the things I did not do
But each time I think I’m closer to the shadows, there’s a light that drowns the darkness
And I feel so confused
But I try to pull through
And I sleep, and I see you
And I know it’s not true
But it’s better, so much better than nothing but blue

Nothing But Blue

A LAST ATTEMPT
Halyse
(Being the Eighth)

I'm always thinking of the smartest things to say
'Cause I'm afraid that they might turn me away
when they find that I don't think about existence
or the way nothing is something
or how God is just another lame excuse

I'm always careful about every move I make
'cause I'm afraid that they might turn me away 
when they realise I'm not what I appear to be
There's something more inside of
But they might not appreciate my views

I'm scared of mirrors, I don't want to see my face
'Cause I'm afraid of all the cracks on display
They might fall apart and I don't think I'm strong enough
to pick up all the shards 'cause I'm afraid
of breaking down and falling through


And in my moments of refuge, I run to my room
And there I build my own castle and name all my dukes
Pen and Paper are my knights, all my councilors are mice
My adviser is a five-year-old who's picky with his rice meals
and the royal hymn is the sound of noise
My lullaby is my king's voice
the nights are long, the days are short
And there's nothing left to fear but choice

I'm always thinking of the smartest lines to write
'Cause I'm afraid that they might not think it right
if I write about the cheesiest mementos
or the silliest biography
or stories 'bout a horse and his shoe

I'm always careful of the words that I should say
'Cause I'm afraid that they might turn me away
when they hear that I don't talk about philosophy
or theorize on poetry
or think of undulating points of view


And in my moments of refuge, I run to my room
And there I build my own castle and name all my dukes
Pen and Paper are my knights, all my councilors are mice
My adviser is a five-year-old who's picky with his rice meals
and the royal hymn is the sound of noise
My lullaby is my king's voice
the nights are long, the days are short
And there's nothing left to fear but choice

A Last Attempt

FOR ALWAYS
Halyse
(Being the [technically] Ninth)

I try to slow it down, take it a notch up
Breathe in, breathe deep and calmly
Collect my thoughts, forget the urge to
Run back and hold you tightly
One hand on the suitcase
The other holding on to your memories
Looking for other ways out of this
 
And when I walked away
You took my hand and held it to your face
And that was when you told me this
You said
Nothing ever stays the same
And sometimes, even the sun can't stop the rain
And there are no guarantees 
Of what is there and what will be
But if the pain demands that we stop a while
As the rain falls down on our heads
And then you ask me if it's all worthwhile
I'll say yes
'Cause there won't be another answer to that question
Because I'm with you for always

I'm halfway out the door
But my heart and mind are with you
I can't fight it anymore
Because I know I'm bound to lose
The seasons change, and so do we but
I never thought it happens so abruptly
And there are no compromises to this mess

'Cause when the sunlight fades away
You'll be the moon that sets my sky ablaze
With you, I understood
That
Nothing ever stays the same
And sometimes, even the sun can't stop the rain
And there are no guarantees 
Of what is there and what will be
But if the pain demands that we stop a while
As the rain falls down on our heads
And then I ask you if I'm worthwhile
You'd say yes
And there won't be another answer to that question
Because you're with me for always

The rain falls down hard
My hands are shaking, and my feet are cold
And I am breaking
I am shattering, like fragments of a mirror I fall apart
And then you come, turn me around
You put back the pieces
You calm me down
And tell me

Nothing stays and that 
Sometimes even the sun can't even stop the rain
And there are no certainties
Of where it is and what will be
But if the pain demands that we stop a while
And if I ask you if I'm worthwhile

Nothing ever stays the same
And sometimes, even the sun can't stop the rain
And there are no guarantees 
Of what is there and what will be
But if the pain demands that we stop a while
As the rain falls down on our heads
And then you ask me if it's all worthwhile
I'll say yes
'Cause there won't be another answer to that question
Because I'm with you for always

For Always

Hi there, how have you been?
Is the world still as quiet as it was when I left?
I see you look happier now
You look satisfied, you look content

Now I don’t mean to ruin the moment for you
I just want to tell you a few more truths

I am so wide awake but it feels like I’m dreaming
The look on your face, well it’s stopping my breaths
and the road was so long but it feels much more worth it
than anything I’ve ever done
See I know it’s been too long, it’s prob’bly too late
But I’m taking my chances, leaving the rest up to fate
won’t you walk home with me today?
there’s so much more that I want to say

(I was there the night we fell apart
looking up at your window, 
as one with the shadows
I was scared
I was more than a little unprepared)

Well I guess I’ve been fine since that day
It took a little while to see things straight
but I’ve found a way so I’m okay
and what about that dinner, eh? What do you say?
Can I pick you up ‘round seven this Friday?

And I know it won’t be the same anymore
But I hope I’ll be better than I was before

(You-- You're saying yes? Really?)
I am so wide awake but it feels like I’m dreaming
The look on your face, well it’s stopping my breaths
and the road was so long but it feels much more worth it
than anything I’ve ever done
See I know it’s been too long, it’s prob’bly too late
But I’m taking my chances
leaving the rest up to fate
Because right now I think everything’s great
And with you I see straight

I See Straight


He thinks it was 'cause he was young
too dumb to know, too dumb to care
and every battle won seemed just as natural as air
a little high strung, a little too drunk

He shoved ice cream down his back
tried to make impressions that will last
Stuck standing on the edge
and watching as he fell at last
a little hopeless, a little helpless

it was a fucking mess
the lampposts were his only friends
the fire in his eyes turned colder 'til it died and left
it was a ruthless match
all of the promises went down the drain
how poetic that it ends in rain

He thinks it was 'cause he was dumb
too young to know, too young to care
and every battle won seemed like an awful thing to bear
it was too lonely, it was too lonely at the top

"Hey, I believe in you"
"Hey, you're amazing" but that day
why couldn't he see through the blazing arrogant display
a little too struck
a little too hurt

it was a fucking mess
the lampposts were his only friends
the fire in his eyes turned colder 'til it died and left
it was a ruthless match
all of the promises went down the drain
how pathetic that it ends in rain

Ends In Rain

The loneliest people that you'll ever meet
are those who, when walking, look down at their feet
they're quiet and weary and often they weep
they're scared 'cause they're brave but they don't ever see

The loneliest people that you'll ever know
are those who make faces and put on a show
'cause when the lights dim and you make your way home
they're sitting in silence, so tired

and it seems like you know
but the truth is you don't
'cause you're all stuck with fighting each other
when inside's a war with all hopes
we were all born alone
and we'll all die alone but it's nothing
if only we knew that

The loneliest people that we'll ever meet
are those we pass by when we're walking in streets
the ones with that faraway look in their eyes
who shiver a lot but still try to survive

The loneliest people that we'll ever know
are those in the mirrors when we all come home
when there are no lights and our houses are cold
stuck sitting in silence, so tired

and it seems like they know
but the truth is they don't
'cause they're all stuck with fighting each other
when inside is a war with all hope
we were all born alone
and we'll all die alone but it's nothing
if only we knew we're the loneliest people

We're the loneliest people that we'll ever meet
and sometimes, when walking, we look down at our feet
we're quiet and weary and often we weep
we're scared 'cause we're brave but we don't ever see that
the loneliest people that we'll ever know
are those in the mirrors when we all come home
when there are no lights and our houses are cold
stuck sitting in silence, so tired

and it seems like we know
but the truth is we don't
'cause we're all stuck with fighting each other
when inside is a war with all hope
we were all born alone
and we'll all die alone but it's nothing
if only we knew we're the loneliest people

We're the loneliest people


The Loneliest People

managed to have this new one recorded a few days ago because a kind soul lent me a guitar weeeee

You are a chance I see for myself
and while I am lost you're my home in the dark
Smoke in my lungs makes it harder to breathe now
so hold me until I fade

We'll carry on kissing like strangers
looking with eyes that speak too much of hope
Only a touch and we'll fall back to shadows
so let's go and watch it burn

Because some love don't need a lifetime to last
(a flicker's eternal if you don't blink fast)
this is wrong in a few ways
but brighter than most that I've walked
and some love don't give enough to be true
but some love like this, they take more of you
and if this be the wrong way
then would you be wrong like me, too?

You are the fight that I'll never win
the notes that just hang in the air as you breathe
Fire on fire 'til the flames douse the silence
while you and I watch it die

We'll carry on walking in circles
Looking with eyes that dare too much to hope
Only a touch and we'll fall back to shadows
so come with me and let go

And just bury that kiss, at last sweet and sound
as I walk away back into the ground
Yes, it's wrong in a few ways
but this is a wrong I did right
because some love don't heed the voices of truth
and some love they speak and they sound like you
I know this is the wrong way
so go be the right I can't do

Superhuman

Okay okay this is Take Me With You, an anthem written for Authoress (at AO3) and the amazing Haikyuu!! Pacific Rim AU entitled But For Me, There is a Storm. To be ridiculously specific, this is the anthem of Chapter 7. *wiggles eyebrow while crying on the floor*. I never really thought I’d ship anyone in HQ considering how all of them are basically children with volleyball brains BUT this fic drove me to DaiSuga hell. Quite literally.

This won’t sound like a monster at all but seriously it took me fourteen hours to get this thing right but it still doesn’t sound right enough because seriously COMPRESSION why are you such an aSS idk why but I’ll try to find a fix for it after finals this week so yeah! If you want the raw (and rather heavy) WAV file though I have a download link here

I could say more but meh I’ll leave it to you guys

- - -

If I make it tonight then it would be the fifth
since the day that I watched you fall
No I can't feel a thing
not your lips on my lips
not the waters as they closed all around me
surrounding me, stealing my breath
not the fear, not the feel of the heart in your chest
that I know like the sound of your every step

If I try to be strong maybe it won't be long
'til I feel your caress again
They're outside looking on, and they think I could go on
Did you think I could be alone
Broken half of a whole?
You were me, I was 
you said you'd stay with me here
should've stayed there
with you watching
sunsets remind me too much
of what we had
lost

Take me with you
take me to wherever you are now
I don't want to know how to be without you
Take me with you, drown me with you
Bring me back to you my love

If I make it tonight and I give up the fight
You won't be here to catch my fall
Tag in hand as I live
through the ghost of your kiss
with so little that I recall
Happy endings 
are dreams that could never come true
Not for me, not for you
but that one night with you could've changed
if we never got out of that room
my love

If I try to hold on, let the fear come undone
Will I see you? 
Will I hear you say more
than your farewell?
Bitter taste of your name
at the tip of my tongue
Try to not hear the sound
but the movie plays on
and I can't look away
from the memory of your face

Take me with you
take me to wherever you are now
I don't want to know how to be without you
Take me with you, drown me with you
Say it's true, I won't be alone
You promised we'd make it
You should have made it
Now I can't find you here inside
Take me with you, drown me with you
Bring me back to you my love

(You promised we'd make it
Promised we'd make it
Now I can't find you here inside
I'll follow you to the ending
'Cause I can't hold on)

Take me with you
take me to wherever you are now
I don't want to know how to be without you
Take me with you, drown me with you
Bring me back to you my love

Take Me With You

I now present to you the poorly put-together prequel and predecessor of Take Me With You, the other bfmtias song I made months ago.

This is I Will Follow You, aka my Chapter 7 Anthem no. 2. This is, if it isn’t obvious yet, dedicated to that heart-wrenching fic but for me there is a storm by Authoress (setter-kun on tumblr.

I didn’t want to upload this yet, tbh, but right now I don’t have gadgets (I’m uploading this from a computer I borrowed and the phone I was using as a recording device is now dead and gone) and I’m broke, so I will not have the opportunity to to record a better version and I don’t have anywhere I can save this to. So take my advance apologies, and I hope you forgive it anyway. (I tried my best to fix it but there’s only so much you can do to an encoded mp3 using amateur tools.)

This is the last song I’ll be able to upload for now; I’ll be out of commission with my music for a long, long while. So I hope you enjoy this small farewell of sorts.

-------

I will follow you to the ending
if you promise to meet me there
I will follow you to the darkness
I’m not afraid if I know you’re there
I know you’ll make it
For me you’ll make it
I know I’ll find you here inside
I’ll follow you to the ending
and hold on tight tonight

How could it be
that I live inside your head but couldn’t see
among a hundred million possibilities
that you would one day say to me you loved
from the very start
how could I not have known your heart

How could it be
that in all the nights that I just couldn’t sleep
you were across the room just staring right at me
fighting back the need
how could I have been so blind

When after everything you said
and after all the things we did
I should’ve known better than to be so scared
After everything we’ve lost
after all the pain
we’ve got nothing more to lose than this

So I’ll follow you to the ending
if you promise to meet me there
I will follow you to the darkness
I’m not afraid if I know you’re there
I know you’ll make it
For me you’ll make it
I know I’ll find you here inside
I’ll follow you to the ending
and hold on tight tonight

How could it be
that I live inside your head but couldn’t see
the only reason that I got left to believe is not the sea
but the way you look staring back at me

When after all the things we did
and all the things you never said
I should’ve known better not to be so scared
After all the pain tonight
after all has been and gone
tell me could you give me this

Can I follow you to the ending 
Will you promise to meet me there
Can I follow you to the darkness
I’m not afraid if I know you’re there
Promise you’ll make it
Tell me you’ll make it
Tell me I’ll find you here inside
Can I follow you to the ending
‘cause I can’t hold on tight tonight

(I hope you know, my love, I’ll always be here)

Should’ve followed you to the ending 
Should’ve promised to meet you there
Should’ve followed you to the darkness
I’m not afraid if I know you’re there
You should have made it
You promised we’ll make it
I should’ve stayed with you inside
Should’ve followed you to the ending
'cause I can’t hold on tight tonight 

I Will Follow You (But For Me, There Is A Storm)

Take Me With You (Test Run on GarageBand)

tangina, di ko akalaing makikita ka
kakaiba talaga ang tadhana
masakit pa rin palang makita ang kislap 
ng iyong mga mata nang dahil sa iba

pasensya na, di ko mapigilan ang titigan ka
kakaiba, di ko halos kilala
masakit pa rin palang malaman
na hindi ako kasing saya pero pwede na

wag na lang isipin na ikaw pa rin
ang himig na sinta

di naman na ko umaasa pa
ayos lang sakin na wala na pero bakit ganon
ba't hanggang ngayon 
hindi maiwasang sayo'y lumingon
ang akin lang, sayang ng ginugol kong
panahong dapat sa sarili ko na lang itinuon
sa halip magtanong 
kung bakit hindi ka man lang lumingon
sana man lang nagawang lumingon

lang hiya, di pa rin sanay na nakikita kang
may ngiti't di ako ang kasama
masakit pa rin pala ang pag-alala
ng pagtawa ko noon nang dahil sa iyo

wag na lang isipin na ikaw na rin
ang hinahanap niya

ang akin lang, sayang ng ginugol kong
panahong dapat sa sarili ko na lang itinuon
sa halip magtanong 
kung bakit hindi ka man lang lumingon
di naman na ko umaasa pa
ayos lang sakin na wala na pero bakit ganon
ba't hanggang ngayon 
hindi maiwasang sayo'y lumingon

tangina, di ko akalaing makikita ka
kung pwede lang ba sana'y umalis ka na
kung pwede lang ba sana'y di na lilingon pa

di naman na ko umaasa pa
ayos lang sakin na wala na pero bakit ganon
ba't hanggang ngayon 
hindi maiwasang sayo'y lumingon
ang akin lang, sayang ng ginugol kong
panahong dapat sa sarili ko na lang itinuon
sa halip magtanong 
kung bakit hindi ka man lang lumingon
sana man lang nagawang lumingon
palagi't palaging sayo'y lilingon

Lingon

Lingoff

I love Zen. I really really love Zen

I haven't said hi to a stranger in little over five months now
With you looking like that I'm in danger
Might wanna tone down on the eyes 
See, my last kiss ain't the best, take a guess
Doesn't take take a genius to figure I was a mess
I've been working on me but there's not much progress
So when you take my hand I gotta say I'm a little bit breathless

I'm in the middle of a wreckage
Heart is missing somewhere in the dark
Do you really wanna do this
You're not the type to put up with my sh—
See you're really kinda gorgeous
Are you really sure your eyes are working right
Do you really see me
Can you really see me

I don't make a habit of talking to strangers
That kind of thing hardly ever works out but
Something bout you made my knees go weak
Oh—I should stop before you get freaked out
In the past weeks it just got better, I don't see why you're so worked up, no
Yeah it's funny and sad, but I like it
So if I take your hand I hope that's it's clear that I'm not being reckless

You're quite the pretty wreckage
It seems your heart has been kept in the dark
But I really wanna do this
I'm ready to put up with all your sh—
See you're really kinda gorgeous
It's easier than breathing here with you
And I really wanna see you
Yes I really wanna see you

Zen (Really)

I also really really love Yoosung

I never believed in circumstances or second chances
I'm not one to lay it all on the line
So you coming at just the right moment
Is nothing short of a miracle
Don't it amaze me, you got me changing so easy

I see you
Right here with me and I can't breathe
I don't think I've ever been this happy
I've come so far from where I began
The clearest that my eyes have ever been
And I can't believe that I didn't dream it
Right now your hands make the only sense
Right here I see, the one thing I need
Is happiness smiling in front of me

Before you I knew I'd given up
I couldn't trust myself with the choices I made
I lived every day just like the last
And you come in, just like that, erasing the sadness
I thought it was madness
But yes still amaze me, 
you've got me locked down so easy

I see you
Right here with me and I can't breathe
I don't think I've ever been this happy
I've come so far from where I began
The clearest that my eyes have ever been
And I can't believe that I didn't dream it
Right now your hands make the only sense
Right here I see, the one thing I need
Is happiness smiling in front of me

I See You (With Me)

A Yoo-Song for Yoosung

Ends In Rain (Reboot)

Do all people already know
The answers that I don't
Why do the seams
always all come undone at once

Some days are harder than others
and Mama says I shouldn't cry
So I look up
to a blurry image of the sky

Dad said for there to be light
there must be dark
It's just how the world keeps turning
around and round the light
Now gone

Well done again my friend
Even if no one
can tell you how lucky you've been
I need you to know
Well done again my friend

Jerrlyse

kieratine