holding myself

the one

prove to me i'm wrong about these stories
that live inside my head when you're not here

prove to me the ghosts have indeed disappeared
show me why the past will stay the past

is the heart too heavy?
or are my hands too small?
that has been my question all along

but now you have awoken
I know I was strong
and all that's left is finishing the song

I'd like to prove my heart can be a home
that treasures that I offer are astounding

but how can my heart be your home
when every room inside becomes, a question?

is the heart too heavy?
or are your hands too small?
that has been my question all along

but now you have awoken
claiming all your wrongs
and all that's left is finishing the song

i thought that i should make the move
they said, there's room for something better

and i deliver you the news
my frigid little hands hand you a smashed heart

didn't know how heavy
didn't know how small
sad to think you proved it all along

and now i have awoken
i'm missing you more
I'm intolerant and fucking up the song

i never should have given up
our song

---

written feb 2021

prove to me

how does it feel

the room where it happened

stop this train

before we cut the fat

lilith

Prove To Me - Esther And Matt

good fantasy is like this:
you are driving to church in a 
mini suv and I am the one looking at you from the
passenger seat
proud 
cherishing 
and lucky
I know that I found 
someone trustworthy

I long to be called trustworthy
every time we talk you don’t 
know my eyes tear up
when you said “am I of any
value to you”
I regurgitate this
I was bathing in sins

in the shower I entertain myself
but not like that
just casting us as players in 
the bible metaphors 
i always play the soiled bride
relentless sinner
you never asked to be the
unsuspecting husband of a whore

you don’t deserve me
I have failed to pull you far away from me
and time isn’t free 

you didn’t deserve it
didn’t deserve me
you tried so hard and should have gotten so much better
than my sorry

---

written feb 2018

Good Fantasy

unravel unravel

oops forgot to compress and de-ess

One Take - Moon Song - 18:10:2018, 1.05 PM

I promise to be so 
honest, people stop talking to
me at parties

I’ll say
everything I mean, and
say it so sweetly, you’ll
only realize later I’m 
calling your bluff.

Who is here has certainty 
and do what they want for free 
I wish that I could be my own
judge and be set free of

“sound theology”?
ex-changed for poetry?
and I’d decide how I define
my heart between the lines

where do I belong?
where do I belong?
none of you could tell me
what my final choice will be

say, my crime was simply 
loving and holding the beauty in 
her that I see
…if our

Creator knows us best, and he
asked us to confess, how
aren’t we all partakers in a 
nature more divine?

Who is here has certainty 
being who they’d like to be
I wish that I could be my own
judge and be set free…from a

view of sanctity opposing
sensuality?
so I’ll decide how I’ll define
my heart between the lines

where do I belong?
where do I belong?
none of you could show me
what my final place will be

but someday I will be
struggling to breathe
hopefully my mind at peace
as life deserts my body

are there angels singing
Someone touching me
“well done good and faithful servant”
or “depart from me

I never knew you”
I never knew you, too
but I did try to

~written feb 2019

I Promise

in my secret blanket fort
no one’s breathing down my back
only soft melodies
and good memories
and plenty good food to be had

in my secret blanket fort
I make friends with my brain even more
this small glowing screen
gives back time magically
I do not delete this app

in my secret blanket fort
my lover can spend the night
after ice cream in bed
I will give him good head
there won’t be a fight tonight

written ~aug 2020

secret blanket fort

welcome to ye olde soundcloud! where the raw recordings live

Esther Young

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