My newest rap for the 2021 Winter Pep Assembly.

View From the Apogee

Turnt Up (Like a Pep Assembly)

A rap song I did for my students at MCMS! Beat by YBMuzik via Real Trap on Soundcloud.

Fernbeard the Nomad - 5And4

This song is dedicated to Northwood's 8th grade class of 2022. I tried to capture the bittersweet nature of being a middle school teacher. We only get to see these students for a couple of years, and usually, we never hear from them again. I often wonder and worry about what became of some of my former students. Don't forget to write!

Don't Forget to Write

I starting working on this as soon as the strike was announced, and I tried to make it pretty quickly. It might not be my best work, but I hope it can offer a little morale boost for my KEA family.

Paid our Dues (Strike Song)

No, I don't think it's ridiculous to call myself the 2023 Shakespeare.

Brilliam Shakespeare

Lyrics -

Breaking all these records, barely breaking a sweat
Track team’s got burners Like Benny the jet
When we run off campus, we get pulled over
Throw a javelin to the Martian rover
We jump man, looking like the MJ Logo
Dripping in the ribbons that we win in October

In badminton, you know we’re brining the aces
Singles and doubles, we cover the bases
First place, our space on the bracket
Sylvester to a birdie, the way they attack it
No fly zone. If they see it, they smack it
you can make a little noise, but they’re bringing the racket

Soccer good gol-ly, we keep it up like a vol-ley
All these hot shots like tama-les, it’s like we’re doing your lau-ndry
I’m mean we leave you with clean sheets, 
my keeper’s got clean cleats
We bringing the A-Team, you’re leaving with D-feats
Charge up the field, opponents they retreat
Banners after banners, we get them on repeat


In the middle of winter, gymnastics team
Bending over backwards is just routine
They’re flipping
They’re floating
They’re spinning
They’re rolling
They’re splitting
They’re kicking
And poise what
They’re showing
On toes that they’re pointing, fly like all stars
Top score, vault, floor, know they got bars

Season three, you know it we wrestle
Don’t get it twisted bro, you end up a pretzel
Mats stay slappin, singlets we’re rockin
Got opponents sweating, so they had to bring a mop in
They don’t stop, won’t stop
Podium, top spot
Single leg, got the competition hoppin

We all in, did I mention how we ball?
They all fall victim to the shots that we call
You lose that conclusion couldn’t be for goner
Command the court, so it must be your honor
Nothing but net, know it straight from the release
Dream team, you couldn’t beat us in your sleep
Bleachers we’re filling, packing in these seats
Banners after banners, we get them on repeat


Football team, a Duck dynasty
Other teams ain’t us, but they’re trying to be
Tackle and sacks, you know we’re laying ‘em out
Field goal kicking with the laces out
Oh snap! Hut, hut, hike
Drop back, ready to strike
Push back, the defensive line
It’s all by design, all the drives finish with spikes
Oh no! We’re leaving divots in your end zone
Call an audible, yeah we switch it like Nintendo
Again, again, again
Chain first down and ten
Every team that we’re beating
Just a piece of the tempo
 
Volleyball squad, hope you’re up for a fight
Hit you with a three-piece, bump, set, spike
Can you dig it? When we hit it,
fly swift like an arrow
double digit, how we win it
Don’t try this libero
Purple knee pads
Got the swag on Donatello
Opponents knees knocking
Like you standing on some jello
You can type a game plan, we’re pressing the delete
All these butts that we kicking, make you think we got three feet
Believe it, these jags, keep keeping it elite
Banners after banners, we get them on repeat

Banners On Repeat

A quick recap of our trip to Korea and Japan. It's not my best work, but I hope you like it!

Trials, Tribulations, Triumphs

A clean up song for middle school art classrooms.

Clean Up Song

Perfect Day

A song detailing the trials, tribulations, and triumphs of a people known as Gingers. Characterized by their pasty complexions and red hair, gingers have often been ostracized and marginalized in society. Despite the hardships I've had to endure, I'm proud to be Ginger. 
Shoutout to TheGonzBeats on YouTube for providing an ill sample.

Everything about this song is a joke, please treat it as such.

Ginger Rap

Countdown

This is a song about how teachers can be thugs too. Don't let our innocuous appearances fool you; we're up to gangster stuff all the time. No, it's a parody like all my raps. It's full of puns, and I think it is my greatest creation to date.

I'm A Thug Too

This is a song about the best part of teaching: Summer Vacation. 
This track also marks the reunion of Type 1 and Fernbeard the Nomad. From their days as humble student custodians to their illustrious careers as rap stars and moguls, these two have been though the grinder, and they've earned a vacation.

Type 1 and Fernbeard the Nomad - "The Payoff"

It's not perfect, but I think it's pretty good.

Lyrics:
You got a case of don’t-care-itis and it’s going around
You won the Cy Young award for how you throw in the towel
Why’s your voice so whiney? How you whisper so loud 
And every time you talk, you need some soap in your mouth
All your beefin’ in the halls, got me having a cow
Did you stop and read the bullet point rules we allow?
I thought this was my calling, now I’m starting to doubt
I’m a raft in a tsunami, Dixie cup in a drought

So I hop in the booth 
Now I’m talking to you
But I’m not gettin’ through
Cuz you’re not in the mood

So I stop and review
‘till I got Déjà vu 
But you’re so full of crap
Like a mop at the zoo

The rock in my shoe, the double-shot in my brew 
The squeaky wheel, blind squirrel, and the broke clock too
I wanna see the bright side, but you’re blocking my view
Now I don’t ponder the future, ‘cuz we’re probably doomed

You put the “dumb” in wisdom
You put the “y” in try
You put the “spec” in respect
You put the “good” in goodbye

Think of your peers
And set the ego aside
Spell it out like weird 
Put the “we” before “I”

You put the “dumb” in wisdom
You put the “y” in try
You put the “spec” in respect
You put the “good” in goodbye

I’m entering zeros, they’re like Hakuna Matata 
We don’t speak the same language like orange to manzana
Gotta make ‘em top bananas, but it’s proven a problem
Cuz if these students were a yogurt, they’d be “Fruit on the Bottom”

They want fortune and fame, but I’m like stay in your lane
I’m getting paid to liberate you, why you sportin’ the chains
My motivation needs sustaining, but I’m waking up drained 
Some days I’m unable, when I’m Abel they’re Cain

Tell them stick with me, they cut corners like checkers
They put the a in “definitely” and the f’s into “effort” 
I told myself for half a decade, next year will be better
But now my glue’s dried up and we’re not sticking together
We’re not birds of a feather, I’m not flocking with you
You may not wanna hear it, but all my talking is true
You’re boxing in the bathroom, and you’re vaping in school
We checked the rough for some diamonds, all we found was a Juul

[chorus]

Who needs an education? You got YouTube in bed.
It’s meaningless to think, when you can google instead
They’re zombies, beware, of the slouching dead
Screen time lemurs with no thoughts in their head

Why am I still the guide where your drives are at?
Why’d you go and put emojis in a final draft?
I can see when you try to go and hide a tab
Cover cameras but you sign away your life to snap

Updated class I got robot replacements
I swear to you that I can see the pixels on their faces
speaking in meme, sneaking peeks at their screens
If they could be anything, I think they’d be a machine 

You don’t have time to read, you watch a season in a night
You don’t talk like a bully, but I heard you can type
I think you’re under the influence of influencers, guys
The real world’s lit, come and visit sometime!

[chorus]

The Outro (Diss Track)

A song I wrote for my students at the end of my student teaching. Credit for this beat goes to the Sound Doctors, and thanks to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis of course.

Fern Beard the Nomad - Jag Shop (Teach Some Jags)

A rap about all the acronyms, abbreviation, and pneumonic devices of the profession.

From the NEA to the KSD 
We got acronyms like millipedes got knees 
TLA’s are in my brain, and it’s like a disease 
Let me demonstrate my meaning with my lyrical ease 
Remote learning started with an MOU  
I got GenED students and GT too 
Now, it’s open enrollment SEBB HMO 
I type my EA PIN on my CPU 
NCLB to ESSA 
We write an SIP to address the ways ta 
meet the needs of students 12 through K 
And use AYP to compare the data 
*In ELA skip the DOL 
Before we SSR, we KWL 
Call me Dumbledore for the way that I spell 
The only “L” I take renaming ELL to EL 
But now, I’m only rhyming L with L let’s try some other letters 
Put me on a PGP, cuz I can do it better* 
In MS Teams switch the mode to “together” 
Navigate to AL -- logging in with Clever 
Saving seconds on syllables Social Studies SS 
PE becomes Gym, I’m switching to sweats 
Speaking of gym, I think it’s time for the Pacer 
I’ll be I’m beating these kids, no CPS 
HOMES Great Lakes, FACE bass staff, CRAAP Test  
M VEM, J SUN the order of planets
E GDBF (oops), SMART goals and PEMDAS 
SOH, CAH, TOA – whoa, I went on a tangent 
I’m adept adapting, half man half CAT test 
If I’m MIA, know I’m taking my talents 
Prefer to be confer about work in the past tense 
No ASAP Rocky I’m AESOP Absent 
*Sheet music flow, write a bar while I’m resting 
Typing letter grades, I just call it d-pressing 
Call me HVAC, you know I’m venting…’bout 
Spending 20 million on standardized testing 
From IQ tests like the Stanford-Binet  
In the 90’s took the levels test, it went away 
Then WASL vanished too, like an igloo in May 
They say we finally got it right with the SBA  
*So why’s my TA manual need an FAQ?
Hold my breath for an improvement, but my face turning blue 
Still I proctor the test, I guess IOU 
But you wrote IDK on a DBQ 
Tell students their more than a test score 
We can break that score down to the subdomain 
When do these brains get a little bit of TLC 
Well, that’s TBD, that’s TBA 
*It goes learning target, CCSS 
CCSS to the CBA 
From the CBA, to the i-Ready 
Then the i-Ready to the SBA 
From the SBA, PSAT 
And that will get you ready for the SAT 
SWBAT  
get through it all without PTSD 
504 meeting at 8 AM 
TPEP appointment I can’t wait to attended 
Wednesday afternoon PLC 
You know we Rockwell, I’m mean we’re normin’ again 
More on point than an EPI-pen 
Getting money like FERPA or an ATM 
Got it down to a science like bio and chem 
Even florists rooting for us ‘cuz we’re pedaling STEM 
*TPA then CEL-5D 
Stacking PD hours up to one fifty 
Sign an IEP, note the LRE
Then I’m coming after grades like a GPA “P”	 
When it comes to SPED you have no IDEA 
OT, SLP team panacea 
And our ASB the real MVP 
I mean we got more pep than a pizzeria 
Reset my password on OSPI 
Check the status of my cert and when it expires 
SIS enter zeroes for a simple assignment 
All these C, not finding a diamond 
Tried SEL and PBIS 
RTI instead of ISS 
Repeating ourselves like we live in a GIF 
And if you force the issue, get hit with a RIF 
YOLO, LOL, LMAO up in the chat 
IDK why you are typing like that 
POG, CAP, IKR and ‘cuz 
Lowercase im - no apostrophe  
I can’t read another paragraph, I’m getting CEAS sick 
But the papers stacking up are looking double-C thick 
At these RATES my days off are gonna be quick 
And I’ll be editing more than an IG pic

Note: I do not own this beat, but believe myself to be protected by fair use as it applies to parody.

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