My third Christmas Ukulele song! That amortized the uke to $9 per song, cheap at the price.

Four simple chords, that being all I could play without conscious thought at the time. I don't _think_ I've stolen the tune, but there are any number of not-so-old popular and folk songs with tunes and harmony like this, especially in children's songs. If it is theft of a Trad., please tell me!!!
Lyrics

TELEPHONE BILLPAY

Tuning GDEA
Chords C F G7 G

V1

I had a little bill come in the mail one day--
There was something wrong with what i had to pay.
There's a free number listed where you call the Company
With any query, but I guess the query was me.

CHORUS
I pick up the phone and I ring the Company, and a
voice comes on and tells me that the call and the per-
formance of the staff member's going to be assessed and they
may be recording every word that either says, and I
say who I want to speak to and the voice says "I'm
sorry but that option isn't on the menu choices but
press number ONE to contact general enquiries or
any other number on the list and press
TWO if I want to check accounts and fees and press
THREE to replay the warnings back to me and press
FOUR for a translator who understands Swahili and press
FIVE to make a payment to the Charity of the Day and press
SIX if I really want to sign my life away and press
SEVEN for some muzak to chase the blues away and press
EIGHT for a transfer to a number that's incorrect and press
NINE to beep and suddenly disconnect....

V2
Hey! I won't be defeated by old technology,
I'll get it sorted, just you see.
I refuse to know the meaning of the word 'defeat',
And a robot answering service won't leave me beat.

CHORUS
So I pick up the phone ...&c

V3
The years they've all flown by me, I'm old and bent and grey,
And that bill isn't sorted, but each and every day,
I rise from my sickbed to try and try agin,
'Cos if I keep on trying, you know I'm bound to win!

CHORUS
And I pick up the phone...&c

Words & Music Copyright © 2010 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved APRA-AMCOS

Telephone Billpay

THE CAIRO MARRIOTT CROW

call [answer]

CH
I'd like for you to join me [yeah?]
When you come to old Cairo [where?]
You don't want to miss me [why??]
I'm the Cairo Marriott Crow.

I'm a two-tone crow [he's a two-tone crow]
I'm a cut above [a cut above]
No garbage for me and that is why
It's the Marriott I love!

V1
I'm easily fed [he's easily fed]
But carrion won't do [no garbage for you!]
Some Turkish bread [got a smart head!]
A beef bone or two [and a bit of ragout]
A lamb kebab [perhaps some crab?]
Perrier to drink [or the garden sink!]
I'll entertain you...
I'm a crow what thinks!!

CH
And here's where you will find me [where?]
When you come to old Cairo [there?]
I'm the talk of the garden tables!
I'm the Cairo Marriott Crow.

INSTR BRIDGE

V2
Forget those pyramids! [what?! why?]
I'm the better show [no!]
Old King Tut he's dead and gone [sorta...]
But I'm still on the go [better hop it...]
A crow's gotta do [carry on!]
What a crow's gotta do [true...]
So take a garden table
And I'll entertain you!

CH
So you know where to find me [of course!]
When you come to old Cairo [we'll go!]
I'll wait on your table too
I'm the Cairo Marriott Crow.

[Yes we know where to find you
When we come to Old Cairo
But please stay off our table
Oh Cairo Marriott Crow]

Copyright © 2009 Tim Fatchen All Rights Reserved APRA-AMCOS

The Cairo Marriott Crow

Live recording at rehearsal

How to survive getting off Austrian (thats AUSTRIAN not Australian, the difference is no kangaroos) trains in the Alps in the middle of winter

The whole thing can be sung to Gary US Bonds "New Orleans" if you want..just make odd changes to the bridge....

SWING THAT SUITCASE (The St Anton Shuffle)

CH
You gotta swing that suitcase through the door
You gotta wipe them 'cross the station floor
They all been skiing up the line
They're all hyped up on adrenaline
You won't get off this train no more
'Less you swing that suitcase through the door.

V
It's a skiers' train. What'd you expect?
If you don't make a stand, you'll get no respect
You want to get off? They want to get on!
If you don't move fast, you're dead and gone!

CH
Swing that suitcase through the door
Wipe them 'cross the station floor
They all been skiing up the line
They're all hyped up on adrenaline
You won't get off this train no more
'Less you swing that suitcase through the door.


BRIDGE

When that door opens
Swing it wide
Swing that case
From side to side
Knock that crowd
Right off their feet
And you just might make it
To the street...



CH
...swing that suitcase through the door
Wipe them 'cross the station floor
They all been skiing up the line
They're all hyped up on adrenaline
You won't get off this train no more
If you ride any further, you're in hock with the law
You wanna get off?  You have to make war!
So swing that suitcase through the door.
Swing that suitcase through the door
Swing that suitcase through the door

(Drums: Thump. Bang. Crash/Scream)

Copyright © 2009 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved APRA-AMCOS

Swing That Suitcase!  (St Anton Shuffle)

THEY PLAY SOUND OF MUSIC

In Salzburg,in winter
They play “Sound of Music”
Twentyfour hours a day
And seven days a week.
The skies might be grey
But the Trapps keep on singing
Twentyfour hours a day
And seven days a week.

In Salzburg,in winter
There’s no Lonely Goatherd
‘Cos every hotel room
Is playing his song.
And Maria keeps trying
To climb eve’ry mountain
And the Trapp Family Singers 
Show the right way from wrong.

In Salzburg, in winter
The river might be frozen
The sidewalks all icy
And the sky dark and grey
But it’s better to wander 
The streets and risk frostbite
Than stay in your room with Maria all day.

In Salzburg,in winter
They play “Sound of Music”
Twentyfour hours a day
And seven days a week.
The skies might be grey
But the Trapps keep on singing
Twentyfour hours a day
And seven days a week.

Word & Music Copyright © 2009 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved


They Play "Sound of Music"  (In Salzburg, In Winter)

The joys of long-distance travel in cattle-class

MY KNEES THEY WON'T FIT
Words & Music Copyright © 2009 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved APRA-AMCOS

My knees they won't fit
My table's broke
Cattle class. The pits.
Flying's no joke

Twelve hour flight
But the time doesn't change
Jammed in tight
Home on the range

The remote's bent and worn
The movie's old
The beer's gone warm
The food's gone cold

I can't cut this fish
My elbow's stuck tight
I'll suck from the dish...
Long-distance flight

Guy in front
Come back to his place
Lets his seat down
Back in my face

Ten minutes wait
The WC
But I can't cross my legs
Misery me.

I cain't get no sleep
My left eye's glued shut
Right ear can't hear
Flights gummed it up

My feet they've swole up
My back feels like broke
Can't get my shoes on
Am I having a stroke?

What'll I do
When a wing falls off?
If I scream now
Will they throw me off?

What keeps this thing up?
What makes it go?
What am I doing here?
Why don't I know?

Long distance cattle
The cheap way to fly.
Glamour of travel.
Pie in the sky


My Knees, They Won't Fit

Cruel and cautionary tale in the Little Johnny Head-in-Air style

HE FELL INTO A PYRAMID

A)
He fell into a pyramid
Six million tons of rock
Didn't look where he put his foot
A fatal mental block

So they shoved him in the â€˜cophagus
And hammered down the lid
Cain't have bodies left around
And so he's safely hid

B)
He'd smuggled in used razor blades
A year's supply or so
He'd need to be in Pharoah's Tomb
To sharpen them, you know
The tunnel ran down, dimly lit
Narrow, low-- tight to fit
Full of tourists and their kit
But down the slope he'd go.

A)
He fell into a pyramid
Six million tons of rock
Didn't look where he put his foot
A fatal mental block

So they shoved him in the â€˜cophagus
And hammered down the lid
Cain't have bodies left around
And so he's safely hid

B)
Down the passage! Slide the feet!
Bent double! Don't look up!
The oxygen was really down
The See-Oh-Two was up
Stubs his toes. Bangs his head
Legs and arms they feel like lead
If he get's there he'll be half dead
But he won't give it up!

BRIDGE
Deep inside the pyramid
At last he reached the tomb
And past the wall of tourists saw
A dark mysterious room
He didn't take sufficient care
Trod on a step that wasn't there
Clutched his razors in despairâ€¦
And tumbled to his doom.


B)
It's a sad and sorry tale
But stillâ€”there's cause for joy
Although he's passed the veil too soon
He's now a mummy's boy.

He fell into a pyramid
Six million tons of rock
Didn't look where he put his foot
A fatal mental block
They shoved him in the 'cophagus
To get him out of sight
And with his mummy close to hand
We know it's turned out right.

Words & Music Copyright © 2009 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved  APRA-AMCOS

He Fell Into a Pyramid

What are the worst words an E-ticket holder can hear?

This song is dedicated to a check-in, er, person at Malpensa airport, Milan, where after various bad Milan experiences which this one capped, I have no wish ever to be there again. It's amazing how many disasters one can have in 24 hours.

And just imagine, if she'd succeeded, there would have been no Cairo Marriot Crow, 'cos we would never have got there in time for the tour start...

YOU'RE NOT ON THE FLIGHT COMPUTER
(Words & Music Copyright © 2009 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved  APRA-AMCOS)

"You're not on the flight computer
Doesn't matter what you say
There's no point waving emails
It's me who rules the day
No, you simply don't exist
You'll get no boarding slip
So shift your bags and go away
And next time go by ship."

We traveled on our E-tickets
Half the world and more
Till we fetched up all unwary
On Italy's sunny shore
And there we discovered
That the airport flacks insist
If you're not on their computer,
Tough. You don't exist

"You're not on the flight computer
Doesn't matter what you say
There's no point waving emails
It's me who rules the day
Go back to your Travel Agent
To get it all set right
Not my fault its 12,000 miles
And the middle of the night"

"No you can't just book a seat
They've booked out all this flight
No there's not another plane
Until next Friday night
I won't load you, there's no listing
Don't know why you stay
Get that luggage off the belt
And get out of the way"

The airline we were flying
Produced from out its files
Copies of our tickets
Which proved we owned the miles
But all in vain. The airport flack
Tapped her computer keys
"Ha! You're not on the manifest
So stop bothering me!"

"You're not on the flight computer
I don't care what they say
Their computers do not rate
It's me who rules the day
No, you simply don't exist
You'll get no boarding slip
So shift your bags and go away
And next time go by ship."

You're Not on the Flight Computer

ACADEMIC POLEMIC
Flying Tadpole

V

A post-modern education is easily understood,
Once you fix it in your head the past holds nothing good.
But the future can be golden if you throw away the past
And nail post-modern colours to your academic mast!

True, the academic garden is not without its bruises,
But of all those who stay the course, no-one ever loses!
And the academic pinnacle's the highest you can reach-
Let others hew! Why learn to do?
Better far to teach!

CH
Pre-school,
Kindergarten,
Infant school and Primary,
Lower School,
Middle School,
Upper School and then...
[Uni-]Varsity
Ordinary
Honours, Masters, P h  D,
Out to be
Post-Doct'rally
And then you're back again...

[As a] Demonstrator 
Lecturer
A senior Lecturer too!
An Associate Professor
(There's no Readers now, it's true),
And finally
A full Professor,
And perhaps a Dean!
[And...oh!] _What_ a wealth of life
And experience you've seen!

V

Yes, the academic garden is not without its thorns
(And let me tell you, those that leave will be forever torn!).
You must pee in other pockets, it's now call peer review,
And if you stroke their egos, they'll happily stroke you.

And Consensus is the big thing now! Forget Discovery!
For if you go out on your own, there's no recovery...
Yes the academic garden is not without its thorns,
But it's not so much a rosebed, as a uniform cut lawn.

Words and Music Copyright © 2011 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved APRA-AMCOS

Academic Polemic

A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ECOLOGICALLY CORRECT SONGS #2

It was suggested that #1 in this series of reality Nature was a little violent for children.  I disagree, and feel that if children are to become one-with-nature adults, then learning the wonders of Mother Nature at the earliest age possible is the way to go (although crocodile-feeding may be a little counter-productive).  So here is #2 in the Teach Your Toddler Ecology series.

AT ONE WITH MOTHER NATURE (FOOD CHAIN)

Words and Music Copyright © 2011 TJ Fatchen  All Rights Reserved  APRA-AMCOS

1.
I'm a phytoplankton
A-swimming in the sea,
And soaking all that sunshine up
And CO2 for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
Her light gives such a punch,
I photosynthesize my food
Each time I feel like lunch.

2.
It's great to be a copepod,
A-swimming in the sea,
And searching phytoplankton out
And having them for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
She gives me things to munch,
I gobble phytoplankton up
Each time I feel like lunch.

3.
It's great to be crustacean,
A-swimming in the sea,
And rounding zooplankton up
And having them for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
She gives me things to munch:
I eat those animalcules up
Each time I feel like lunch.

4.
It's great to be a fishie,
A-swimming in the sea,
And slicing little shrimpies up
And having them for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
She gives me things to munch,
So I can chew a shrimp or two
Each time I feel like lunch.

5.
It's great to be a fur seal,
A-swimming in the sea,
And chasing fishies to and fro
And having them for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
She gives me things to munch,
So I can chew a fish or two
Each time I feel like lunch.

6.
It's great to be an orca,
A-swimming in the sea,
And playing tennis with the seals
And having them for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
She gives me things to munch,
So I can chew a seal or two
Each time I feel like lunch.

7.
It's great to be a human,
A-paddling by the sea,
And wondering what it might wash up
That I could have for tea.
At one with Mother Nature,
I can choose to munch
An orca steak or Buttercup
Each time I feel like lunch.

At One With Mother Nature (LoFi)

A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ECOLOGICALLY CORRECT SONGS #1

Mother Nature, soooooo  wonderful....

IT'S HARD TO BE A MILLIPEDE
Words & Music Copyright © 2010 TJ Fatchen  All Rights Reserved APRA-AMCOS

CGEA Tuning

C/F C/F C/F C/F
C
It's hard to be a millipede
F
When the blackbirds' at you
G7
You try to get your legs in step
C G7
And next, some bird will snatch yoU!
C
You work and strive to eat the chives
F
Just doing what you ought ot,
G7
Then life turns bleak!  You're in a beak!
G7 C
The blackbird's come to slaughter!

(CHORUS)
F C
Mother Nature, kind and sweet?
G C
Not to those with lots of feet!
F C
For us, she's all below the belt
G C
The winners, they go tweet tweet tweet!
G C
The winners, they go tweet tweet tweet!

C/F C/F C/F C/F

It's hard to be a millipede...
Just getting those legs movin'.
We're hard to beat when it comes to feet--
A millipede's a shoe-in!
But beaks and wings and eyes and things
Sends the balance swinging.
A millipede gets no respect
Once the blackbirds all start singing!

(CHORUS)

Mother Nature, kind and sweet?
Not to those with lots of feet!
For us, she's all below the belt
The winners, they go tweet tweet tweet!
The winners, they go tweet tweet tweet!
The winners, they go tweet! Tweet!

It's Hard To Be A Millipede (Lo-Fi)

Anarchic ratbag, writes irritating and often nasty and unkind satirical rubbish, good kennel cleaner. Blues- and pop-based songs, songs for poisoning the minds of the young, political satire. Also a collaborator with other similarly strange songwriters.    

The DARK SIDE of Tim Fatchen, whose kindly, quiet and contemplative music can be found at http://soundcloud.com/timfatchen
