The Death Song
Words and music by Richard Lilley

Roger Moore died from cancer 
Peter Stringfellowt went the same 
Ken Dodd – a chest infection 
Lesley Grantham unexplained 

Now there’s not many things you can be sure of
In this unsure world of ours
But there’s one thing you can rely on
Something that won’t let you down

And it’s called death
Lovely lovely death
Sweet death
Lovely lovely death

Now George Michael, had an heart attack 
Dale Winton unexplained 
Stephen Hawking – Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis
Jim Bowen old age 

So when that old Grim Reaper comes and taps you on the shoulder
And says “come on down”
Just pack up a grin say “how ya been”
And sing this happy song

A song called death
Lovely lovely death
Sweet death
Lovely lovely death 

 So live for today forget tomorrow
Who knows when it’s going to end
 There might be a dark shadowy figure
Lurking round the bend

And it's called Death

Graeme Reaper "The Death Song"

my girlfriend left me – said I was too obsessed
collecting superhero figurines and watching Star Trek
she said she was sick of seeing Star Wars
and the world wrestling federation posters on my wall

lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive

she said she needed space to find herself
but she’s started going out with someone else
she said if I ever met him I’d really like him
his favourite Dr Who was Tom Baker as well

lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive

she offered to return the Warhammer box set that I bought her
of course I declined
she returned all of my James Bond soundtrack albums
and the discworld novel I left behind

lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive

at a Games Workshop convention I look around
and think to myself – I bet there all in relationships
then I see a fat sweaty ugly balding man
I bet he’s not in a relationship
then I see the third finger on his right hand
by the staff of Gandalf he’s wearing a wedding band

lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive
lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive

lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive
lifes no fun when you’re anal retentive

"Life's No Fun When You're Anal Retentive" ft Anal Wayne

Uri Bennet, a conservative MP heavily involved in back to basics family values is discovered by paramedics dressed in women’s underwear attempting self affixation with a tangerine in his mouth that had been injected with amyl nitrate.
His political career over and his marriage destroyed he embraces the lifestyle of his non de plume, a cross dressing fetishist cabaret singer called Lily Von Crud. 

LYRICS - 

I am just an ordinary hard working man doing the best I can
but I really must admit I am not perfect -I do have a small problem
 
find myself
slipping on a sequinned cocktail dress - a pair of French knickers all sticky and wet
around the ankles go the manacles - whipped with freshly cut nettles
 
I can’t help it
 
I have tried everything from psychiatric help through to “perverts anonymous”
but when I am alone the temptation - it gets a little too much
 
find myself
slipping on assorted lingerie - getting out the rubber accessories
beat my private parts with a crowbar - slam them in a car door
 
I can’t help it
 
can’t help slipping on a rubber mackintosh no clothes on underneath
can’t help exposing myself to old ladies on Hampstead Heath
can’t help prancing up and down in front of a full length mirror
dressed in a nappy
scraping my testicles
with a cheese grater
 
cover me in sellotape and bite my bum  
rip it off quickly while dressed as a nun
scorch my buttocks with a red hot poker
stimulate my anus with a vacuum cleaner
write your name on my flesh with a cigarette
paint me green and blue use me as a toilet
draw a moustache on my underpants
place my erection in a nest of ants
find myself
having sex with myself
 
I cannot help it



"I Can't Help It" (Live) ft Lily Von Crud

I go to the nearest singles bar give a chick my sexiest look
lay her low with my funkiest line “hey baby, wanna fuck?”
she looks at me – licks her lips – eyes all shiny and bright
says something like “well its about time honey
I almost thought I wasn’t going to get laid tonight”
alright
 
she wants it - she needs it
they all want it - red hot sex
she wants it - she needs it
they all want it - red hot sex
 
pump up my love muscle baby – like an elastic band fixed to my backbone
“say why don’t you give my pussy a rest – fuck my asshole instead”
hey – I don’t mind creaming your ass
if you don’t mind licking the shit off my dick babe
“only if you let me swallow your come and piss all over my face”
you’ve got yourself a deal
 
she wants it - she needs it
they all want it - red hot sex
she wants it - she needs it
they all want it - red hot sex
 
okay baby  its time I showed you how a real man treats his bitch
“you mean you’re going to tie me up – kick the shit out of me
and throw me in a ditch?”
you got it
this is one guy who knows how to show a chick a good time
“gee I’ve always wanted to be brutally murdered
It’s a fantasy of mine”
lets go all the way
 
she wants it - she needs it
they all want it - red hot sex
she wants it - she needs it
they all want it - red hot sex

"Red Hot Sex" (live) ft Funky Love Machine

roll up roll up
see the grossest show on Earth
breathtaking feats of bad taste
thrills and spills with the master of perversity
yes ladies and gentlemen
give a big warm welcome for . . . . . 

Doctor Patowski And His Amazing Performing Penis
Doctor Patowski And His Amazing Performing Penis
it rides a horse swings on trapeze jumps through hoops of fire
tames the lions acts like a clown balances on a high wire

Doctor Patowski And His Amazing Performing Penis
Doctor Patowski And His Amazing Performing Penis
it can juggle it can dance it can even sing
performs somersaults on a trampoline it can do anything

what a big dick what a very big dick what a very big dick indeed
what a great big plonker a whacking great stonker the biggest  you've ever seen
what a big dick what a very big dick what a very big dick indeed
its a one eyed sniper throbbing viper great big six foot kidney wiper

Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski and his performing penis
Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski and his performing penis
death defying leaps through a blazing condom swallowing swords down the urethra
ejaculates 15 feet into the air puts his head into the mouth of a vagina

Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski and his performing penis
Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski Doctor Patowski and his performing penis
a triple back jerkoff without a safety net masturbates in time with the band
a testicle spectacle a phallic cannonball 
everybody throughout this gallant land
give a big hand for the giant gland

Doctor Patowski And His Amazing Performing Penis

I’m a miner just like me dad and there’s a rhyme that miners rap
from pit tip t’ pit top - you can hear it in cage when we do hip hop
some people say we look out of place - breakdancing on pit face
well they don’t know shift from shaft - Ollerton Miners Welfare rap
 
there’s nowt quite like Friday night gooin t’ Welfare, drinking 96 pints
eyeing up lasses dancin round handbags - swapping filthy jokes with the lads
leanin on bar and sayin something like -“Shoulda seen bird I were wi last night
gorgeous, bloody gorgeous and way she moved an wriggled about
It were almost as if she were conscious”
 
I said up, get on up. I said up, get on up - like a sex machine our lass
I said up, get on up. I said up, get on up - do Ollerton Miners Welfare rap
 
leave Welfare, closing time goo t’ chippy, start a fight
on the way I’m sometimes sick -you might say I can’t take my drink
no, makin room f’ me chips
makin room f’ me chips
makin room f’ me chips
 
you laughin at me being sick - wanna make somethin of it like
felt nowt,  felt nowt - cause I’m hard, well fuckin hard
I’m so hard an entire pit head fell down on me head
I didn’t even know till I were told by me dad - Ollerton Miners Welfare rap
 
after eating me chips and avein a fight I goo ome t’ kick shit out me wife
I got in once she had a black eye already I said “ere, you knocking off somebody”
I could’ve hit her I was so mad - I would’ve but someone already had
so I kicked the fuck out me two little lads  - Ollerton Miners Welfare rap

Ollerton Miners Welfare Rap (ft The Yorkshire Rapper)

ahhh the trials and petty irritations of every day life
for example, calling your bank and being put through to a call centre in another country
like Scotland
this is after waiting 20 minutes in a call queue and having to listen to a
tinny synthesized version of Mantovani
then while relaxing at home they call you
asking if you are satisfied with the service they are providing
 
I tolerate all of this
 
then I sit down and switch on my TV and see Richard Madeley smiling back at me
and the sight of my wife wasting her life watching Joe Pasquale on The Price Is Right
and I think to myself why not - get out my snipers rifle and clamber on to the rooftops
maybe get myself off a few randomly fired indiscriminate shots
 
Monday morning and its back to work as usual - oh joy
my boss is micro managing badly dressed moron with bad breath
he has a strict policy on bullying in the workplace
one which he doesn’t apply to himself
he likes to say clichés like “thinking outside the box”
and “you’ve got to see the bigger picture”
he refers to low grade workers as “cubicle monkeys”
and tells them “its time to eat reality sandwiches”
 
I tolerate all of this
 
then I sit down and switch on my TV and see Louis Walsh grimacing back at me
and the sight of my son singing along to a song by that witless talentless dick Will Young
and I think to myself do it - pick off a few moronic, ill informed social misfits
Sun reading, Big Brother watching, burberry wearing fuckwits’
its not murder - its curing the sick
 
don’t talk to me about the great British public 
take a look outside the so called average man in the street is a brainless imbecile
they all deserve to die - starting with the c list celebrities they so avidly worship

C List Celebrity Hit List (ft Angry Nigel Gordon)

Unique spectacular multimedia spoof variety show featuring outrageous comedy songs written and performed from the perspective of bizarre twisted characters, each with its own image, backstory, musical and production style.

Freaks Outing

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