I keep searching for a home that doesn’t exist. Not in the way homes are supposed to, with walls, a roof, and a door that opens just for you. My home isn’t a place I can return to. It’s not a house at the end of a road, not a memory waiting to be revisited. It never was.

A warm light in the window. The faint hum of voices I’d know anywhere. The feeling of stepping into a space that knows me better than I know myself.

And yet, it’s nowhere. It’s nothing.

Sometimes, I wonder if the home I’m looking for is just me—who I am, who I was meant to be. Maybe it’s not about finding a place, but about finding a way to feel whole. But that thought scares me, because what if I can’t? What if there’s always this emptiness.

https://youtu.be/gacCzsKgQuE?si=ODMfDe1CHDgXeffN

home

There’s a hollowness here, a void that stretches endlessly, where even my own voice feels foreign, swallowed by the howling winds of solitude. I find myself wandering through this frozen wasteland, a landscape of broken dreams and unspoken words. 

The demons wait for me here. They always do. Shadows given shape by regret and fear, their whispers blend with the storm. 
But what choice do I have but to face them? To let the storm rage on and try to hold my ground. I am tired, so tired, yet I walk forward, step by step, through the endless white, through the cold that bites at my resolve.

For now, I am alone with the snow, the silence, and the battle within. And though I long for an end to this frozen agony, I know the only way out is through.

a letter from the winter

I dont know you anymore Anakin and Padmè x empathy insensible

Life is not a straight path. It is a tide that rises and falls, a sky that shifts between light and shadow. We climb, believing we've reached something permanent, only to tumble back down. And yet, even in the descent, there is something to be found. A lesson. A moment. A quiet realization that nothing lasts—not the joy, not the sorrow, not even the weight of what we carry.

I have seen happiness where I expected only grief. I have felt an ache settle into moments that should have been untouched by sadness. We search for meaning in the highs, but often, it is the lows that carve us into who we are. The laughter that hides exhaustion, the victories that taste of loneliness, the way even love can carry an undertone of loss.

But maybe that is what it means to be alive—to rise, to fall, to break, to heal. To keep moving even when the dust of our failures clings to us. There is no final summit, no endless valley. Only the motion, the forward pull of time, urging us to stand, shake the dirt from our skin, and take another step. Because in the end, that is all we can do. And maybe, just maybe, it is enough...

I have seen happiness

sodium light

don't ask the sea // quiet cut

shiverlight

batman (good the see you) empathy slowed

Shadows meet strings — “alone” by instagram.com/egorshahov1 and instagram.com/savenkovmusic blends dark ambient with heartfelt guitar, creating a sound that feels both distant and deeply human.

https://go.ambiqo.nl/nm-alone

Not Enough Silence, Mercury 88 - Alone - slowed + reverb

A haunting wave of nostalgia and emotion slowed into infinity, reverb echoing like memories you can’t escape.

"YOU COULD BE SOMEONE" x Empathy (Slowed + Reverb)

coldlight

instagram.com/bienbienbienbienbien
https://open.spotify.com/artist/1Q1YaJhj7mePPO9K2xtsTi?si=s92hSYQpREO7phI6cW1nmQ

coldlight

FTBN

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