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I Found You

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In Memory Of My Dad: Gary Leroy Nelson August 21, 1964 - November 28, 2020. I will always miss you.

“The Shadow of you”


I learned how to stand
By standing in your shadow

You were boots by the back door
Coffee steam and calloused hands
Said “Keep your word, son”
Like it was something you could plan
You taught me how to throw a punch
And how to walk away
How a man can break his back
Just trying not to break

I wore your jacket way too big
Pretended I was brave
I wanted your last name
To mean something someday

You were the voice in my head
When I didn’t know what to do
I didn’t know heroes could bleed
Or that mountains could move

I spent my whole life looking up
Trying to be half the man you were
Now I’m staring at the mirror
Wondering if I’ve inherited the hurt
You were the strength I leaned on
Now I’m standing where you fell
I’m fighting the shadow you left behind
So I don’t follow you into the dark myself

Years passed, lines in your face
Bills stacked higher than pride
You said “I’m fine” like a habit
I said it back every time
We talked about weather and work
And nothing under the skin
I thought silence meant steady ground
I didn’t hear you slipping

I missed the warning signs
Because you never raised your voice
You carried the weight alone
Like it was a choice

Now your phone’s still in my contacts
Like you might call me tonight
I’d give anything to hear you say
“Son, I’m not okay”

I spent my whole life looking up
Trying to be half the man you were
Now I’m carrying your last goodbye
Like a loaded word
You were the strength I leaned on
Now I’m standing at the edge
I’m fighting the shadow you left behind
So I don’t become the one you were afraid I’d be in the end

I don’t blame you
But I don’t forgive the night

Some days I feel you in my veins
Like a storm I can’t outrun
I hear your voice when the world goes quiet
Saying “Don’t quit, son”

If pain’s hereditary
Then so is survival
If you couldn’t see the sunrise
I’ll carry it for you
I’ll carry it for you

I spent my whole life looking up
Now I’m learning how to stand
Not as your echo or your ending
But as my own man
You were the love that built me
Not the way you said goodbye
I’ll fight the shadow you left behind
And choose to live
Every time

I still look up when I need strength
But now I look forward too

College Try

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