I'll still be here

I know she will see this eventually, and maybe when she does I’ll be a better person or I won’t be. I hate myself, my this stupid fucking porn addiction that has plagued my life since I was like fucking 6. And my family did fucking NOTHING to help. Nothing. When I was 6, I tried to starve myself because I fucking hated living. but when I’m with her, everything feels okay. But I always overthink, second guess myself, always thinking that I must be doing something wrong. I know I am. I’m sorry to her because I am a genuine burden, nobody can make me think otherwise. I know she wouldn’t cheat, but every time  something happens. I can’t help but overthink, is she doing something behind my back? Is she…? I want it to stop, I want it ALL to stop… I want to stop feeling like a burden, I want to stop having this stupid fucking porn addiction that’s been there since I was 6. I just want to have a normal day without overthinking something. Just one day is all I’m fucking begging for. I’d never cheat. That’s a fact that she knows herself, we had a mutual that I dated for almost a full year. And since I’m a love struck fool, I listened when she said that she didn’t want me having female friends. So i unfriended my girlfriend and another mutual, 3 months later me and my girlfriend at the time breakup. and I find my two friends again, and mine and my girlfriends relationship takes place. I don’t know why she gave me a chance, whether it was pity, or something else. I’m just glad she sees something in me. I tell her that I try to fix myself for her, but I’m lying. I try for a day and give up because I can’t keep a promise to myself, and I’m starting to think that she knows that I’m lying. a part of me wants her to see this, to see how much I’m suffering, but a part of me wants to be happy without worry. 



I’m too much of a coward to say this to her face.




I’ll never catch hints if someone hates me or is just using me, I was born with an intellectual disability. It won’t excuse the horrible things I’ve done in my life. 






i love my girlfriend with all my heart. that won’t change unless we go our separate ways forever someday. But a part of me will always wish her the best. No this isn’t a note of me ending it, I’m too much of a coward.


Baby, if you’re reading this right now. I’m still alive, and i love you. And want to trust you with my whole heart, but i always overthink the smallest things. I’ll forever be grateful to you that you decided to love me❤️

I'll still be here

Gigi Murin