Push This

Push This [Single]

After you break the news to me
I dissociate and play my game
Fall away into a fantasy
Where tragedy is put through a filter
Substitute the faces in my head with
Tales of bringing back the dead
To walk me through the night
Drown out the screams of grieving parents
TV manufactured laments
That serve as a use of time to escape the casual horror of this life

Take me to a world that doesn’t exist
A place that I escape to where no one has to live like this
A place in my imagination

Hide inside my creation

Relational Memory 1

There aren’t enough verses I could write
That would possibly describe
The agony that I am living in
Weighted down by a tether tied to my domestic mess
And looked at like an alien when I visibly start to resent

I refuse to listen to your rationales
To treat me like an animal
Over traits that I cannot control
I’ve been living like that since I was a kid
You aren’t nuancing your way out of this
You abusive piece of shit

Give up all your time
Trying just to survive
Living in fear
(It’s just never enough)

Painful sensations consume my body and I’m
Left with no description to define them

Born of existential insult we walk the road of broken glass
Tension burns us out and keeps us stuck here dying sitting on our ass
Unable to move, I’m devoured by a masochistic wrath
Vicariously living it again through the image on a screen, or

Beholding the real thing
You spend your life waiting
To find yourself back there again
When you’re in then you’re in
Your free will don’t mean shit
You won’t ever get out of here alive

Not taken seriously
Bitterness consumes me
Faith in humanity
Lost to the narcissist

This place is Hell

I smell that look in your eyes
It’s guilt and fear in disguise of the patriarch
Well I see right through you bitch
And you can’t stand it
It makes me feel ecstatic
Cause you can’t deny it
You like take things at face value when you need it but ignore all method when it fits your narrative
Use that as a justified means to verbally assault me and
Tell me that’s okay cause you’re here to protect me
Well I know you’re so full of shit and I’m here to prove it
Until I’m out of this

Every night I close my eyes I sweat and whine I’m horrified
That I’m gonna die in my sleep
I’m paralyzed in space and time, spaghettified into perceptual distortion

This place is killing me.

(Stuck here rotting in my skin)
(Never enough money to get out)
(So close but too far away)
(Such a preventable death)

Psychopathic stimulation as a coping mechanism
Rock bottom just keeps getting lower
I’m climbing yet only descending

If I’m gonna die, make it happen now or never
I’m either gonna croak right here and now or live forever
I won’t take it anymore this is the year I get out
And find something else to live for than escape from this house
Fuck this shit I’m sick of it I’m done muting my voice
Not like anything I’ve ever done has ever been my own choice
I’ve been subjected to more than I can take
Everyone’s concerned but everyone is fake
So let this record say
That these will be the
final sounds I make until I find myself a home

This Place Is Killing Me

Go ahead and fuckin’ try it
I implore you perverts t’ violate my body and my friends
Cause you’ll finally meet the end of your miserable existence
The whole point of the matter’s to dehumanize everything I am
Well it’s your turn now and we’re comin’ back pissed
With a hammer and a gun to bludgeon right through your fucking neck
I don’t care about the right thing to do
The enlightened thinker can suck my cock
You just sit on a rock and think and
Call it a philosophy as if that word ever meant fucking anything
Reality don’t care what you believe it changes every time we blink and every second in between
So don’t make me vomit with that “better person” crap
Too blind and inexperienced to realize that
Forgive and forget cannot be universally applied
Use the carcass of a predator to show the whole world what it looks like when a bitch dies

Say what you want I own this sound now
It took so many years but I’ve finally figured it out
Not a trend train hopper people died to make this shit
You ain’t never heard nothing quite like this

Cause and effect

(Threaten me again you little bitch I got you where you live to this day
I could ram a car through your bedroom window and tire slash your face
And you’d never see me coming you’ll be sitting on your bed masturbating and
Doing the same thing every fucking day
The difference between you and me is that you do it voluntarily you fucking leech
See nothing of the world but opportunity and lack thereof
You treat us like we’re fucking scum
And imply that you’re the victim)

(I’ve been hearing these sounds in my head since I was a kid
So I put in the work and now they finally exist
I’ve been waiting years for this and need to let out all of it
The first volume for my authentication of subsistence
I need this to be heard
Creating something birthed from hurt
I’m the only person that could make this shit the WAY I make this shit
I know it’s arrogant but I ruined my life for this
And I’ll probably do it all over again)


My proof of concept
Existential evidence
I’m pouring all the blood out of my veins into this fucking music
And I won’t have it called out by people who never made shit
When I had to lose everything I ever had
Just to find the words to describe what it feels like to go batshit mad
This sound is here to establish what I’ve made and done here by myself

Establishing Shot

The image of you overwhelms me in everything I do
Like a weight inside my chest, it kills me at my best and it never seems to give me a rest

In the back of my mind all I wonder is what you’d look like today
And all the words we never got to say
All the games we never got to play
If you looked at me today, what would you see?
The monster that I hate or a tragic outcome of fate?

I can’t see the light
Where did you go, my love?

I’ve got a phantom limb of the grasp of your hand
I feel your touch but I look around and you aren’t there
And it makes me cry
My phantom limb
It never stops
My phantom limb guides me

Dear little sister I know I wasn’t there when you died
You could never know how much that kills me inside
I would rather die than let your death go in vein
And that’s how it shall remain
For the rest my life




Go to the light
I’ll find my own way there
And we’ll never suffer again
Live the life that we deserved

My Phantom Limb
My love
My light
My love
My phantom limb

I’ll meet you there…

Phantom Limb

Caught

Displaced into facilities
Where you’re punished for all your most basic needs
So casually somehow they make this learning congruent with slavery
Involuntary schooling with a monetary cost
Institutionalized and ordered around and told that they are taught

It’s asinine to act like this shit prepares you for your adult life
All it prepares for you for is the adult authoritarian wastes of time
The illusion that you have any choice to take another way around is a furtive lie
And if not’s motherfucker then tell me right now why am I always getting fucking

Caught	Caught In Your Weaponized Paradox
In	I’m Stuck Here Living like your fucking dog to
Your	Bark bark bark while I do your fucking work
Trap	While you’re sipping scotch and gin up in your office

The charlatan chases every opportunity they get to anoint themselves as a pariah
No idea to what that life is like they romanticize being sensationalized
The same wage slave master is living the life while the rest are left to feed off the little fuckin’ bites
We might as well be picking cotton with the shit they ask us to fucking do
Or be faced with absolute destitution
But I plan to
Break the chains and
Change my fate and
Build a new frontier to call my Home
When the truth’s laid out right in motherfuckin’ front of you, you love to bury your head in the sand
And give an existential placebo to hand out comfort of pretense that you understand

It starts with a false separation of matter and mind
It’s a lie
That caused so many to die
Cannon fodder for atrocity
Deciding reality
To justify infinite tragedy
Ignorance is the cornerstone of mass destruction
Denial is the milestone of murder
Rejection of new knowledge leads to people being set on fire

All psychics are scum
Magicians are fake
Religions are placebos that we’re forced to take

When you draw no line to what the truth is
You open up a door to infinite excuses
Base your lifestyle off a symbolic lie and you’ll eventually come to realize that
To maleate reality is to modify the value of a human life
Absolutes kill, murder is the cost of lies and that’s a fact
Sooner or later your gonna have to face that

I Solved Your Weaponized Paradox
It’s All About Domesticating humans into
Dogs To Bark bark bark while they do your fucking work
And you call that a subjective view

Punished for looking for an answer beyond a nuance
As you treat me like your dog and make me blame it all on God all while I
Bark bark bark just to give you what you want
And you ask me why I’m screaming pseudo-science equals

Murder in the name of “God”

Cause I Destroyed Your Weaponized Paradox and
I’m Done Living like your fucking dog I’ll
Rope-saw you in half
Keep your god damn distance
Before I erase your existence
Bitch!

Operant Conditioning

Everybody’sjustsofuckingsureofthemselves
Gotafixforeveryproblemcomin’outofthewell
Butonlyinthehypotheticalcontextotherwise
Theyphilosophytheiractionsuntilit’ssomeoneelse’sfaultthat
Shithitthefanandnowwe’refucked
Noweverybody’slashingoutlikerabiddogs
Andwe’rekillingeachotherovertheperceivedthreatofsomeoneelse’sthoughts

Woundedanimal
Lashingout
Anticipatingviolentbeatingstothesnout
Callingout
Forfutilehelp
Youronlychanceoflivingistosellyourself

Everyone’ssoinvestedinaffairsthatdon’tinvolvethematall

Inanestupidfuckinpeoplewithagoddamnsuperioritycomplex
Absolutelynothoughtputintoyourdecisionmakingprocess
Soinsistentthatyoumakemeinyourimagewell
Ijustletyouregospeakforitself,awalkingshowandtell,youcangotofuckinghellbeforeI
Fold

Livingthebigboylifethatyouflex
Exaggeratethegreatnessofyourexistence
DegrademeandeveryonethatIlove
Becausewearen’taduplicateofalloftheabove

Backupbitchbeforeyougetshot
I’llhaveyoubacktrackingsoquickyouseeyourownsnot
Everybodywantstochallengebutnobodywantstostepup
Justawasteofspaceandmatterandtime
PulluponyoshitwhenIfeellikeit
Makeyouspendeverywakingminute
Regrettingthenastyshityoudidanddegradingyoudown
Toalittlefuckingbitch

Youcontrol
Myeverythought
DanglemylifeinmyfacewitheverymistakeIfuckingmake
Callingout
Thevirtuesignal
Thatyoucallaprinciple

Hownarcissisticdoyouhavetobe
Tobehaveasifthereweresuchathing
Asauniversallyapplicablebelief
Yourwillfulignoranceissickening
JesusfuckingChrist
DoesiteverendwithyouNeanderthals?
Goddamnit






YoupushmeuntilIsnap
AndthenyoulookatmelikeI’MTHEMANIAC?!
Wellfuckthatshityoutroglodyte
I’mnotgoingdownwithoutafight
WhotoldyouthatyouknowmoreaboutmethanIdo?Motherfuckeryoudonot.
I’vegotzeropercenttoleranceforyourasininepseudo-enlightenment,I’m
Notthroughwithyou,don’tyoudarewalkawayfrommewhenI’mtalkingto
You,motherfuckerI’vehadenough,youberatemeforananswerandthenfreakoutwhenIgiveittoyou
Welllet’sanswerallthequestionsrightfuckinghereandnow
GetTheFuckOutofmyfacewithyourbeerstunkbreathlittlebitchdon’tknowwhentoquit
I’msickofit,I’mputtinganendtothisshitwithalittlelipandalottabite,allofitdonecompletelyoutofspite
CauseI’mtakingmyfuckingtime,notlisteningtoawordofanyone’sadvice,causenobodyknowsmelikeIfuckingknowmeandanyonewhosaysotherwiseisagodcomplexedprickwhothinkstheirperceptionofpeopletobesuperiortoyoursandminecombinedandwilltalkinyourearandshameanddefameyouuntilyou’reontheirfuckingside
You’reimpossibletoplease
Parasiteslikeyouareafuckingdisease
Yourstandardsrequireabreakinthelawsofphysicstopossiblymeet
Myrighttoexistisnotsubjectivetoyourfuckingopinion
Istrivetodisengagefromyourfesteringhypercriticalnightmare

Punkwannatrytoplayyourgameyougonnahavetoplayitsomewhereelse
ItoldyouoncebeforeI’lltellyouonceagainthatyou’vegotmemistakenforsomebodyelse
Thisbitchisn’tgonnabewalkedonbyalittlefuckwhogottheprestigetitlefordoingnothingbutbeingborn,callingmeafuckingwhoreI’llshowthatI’vegotalittlemorethanwhatyoufuckingbargainedfor
AndI’mpissedcausethewayyougotmelivin’sgotmefeelinglikeI’mlivingdead
You’rechargingmypositiontopitchinyourmeaninglessideastomoldmetothepicture-perfectmannequinyouseeinsideyourhead,I’mheretotellyounowmotherfuckerthathedoesn’texist,Idemandyoutodesist


Diggingthegravestodumpalloftheassailants
Whocallfoulplaywhenyou’retakingdrasticmeasuresjusttogetaway
Andtwistthestoryuntilit’ssomeoneelse’sfuckingfault

Youcowardsletyourshameconsumeyou
Coveritupwithafistandacigaknifeandagun
Dowhateverthefuckyouwantcauseyou’vetakenalmosteverythingIhadlefttolove
(I’vebeendrowninginyourshadowforaslongasI’vebeenalive]

Comeon,comeone,comeallmotherfuckerIdareyoutopushthis

{I’vegotnomorereasontobeafraidofanythingyoucando)

Rejectingthepseudo-sociology
ConstructedrulesmadetovilifyyouandI
Diggingourwayoutthroughthedirtyseams
Andstartingthegenerationthatendsthisnonsense

I’m vegetating in my own filth
Just waiting for the time to pass
Inanimation always holds me still
A violated body dies at last
Losing my mind trying to stay occupied
An enormous ordeal when you’re living the no life
Deny myself the free will of a human being
Until I get my chance to finally make my scene
Drawing up the blueprints deep inside my head
For how I plan to figure out how to reanimate the dead
All I know is that the source of consciousness starts with a tangle of-
-nerves and synapses
The puzzle here is reaching them and quantifying and transporting
Them into a carbon-based platform to operate on
Preserve the sentience of a sapient being
Let the body die and watch it decompose and bleed
God this is so beyond my means
I just want to make this work so I can bring the dead back
Or at least keep the survivors I have and watch the world progress
And manage to be a living part of it
Make up for all the time that I’ve lost here rotting
Make up for all the incomprehensible time that I’m still losing

Intoxicated all day every day
Crying most of every other night
No one left here to escape to
Nothing left that I can do
Just waiting for the plan
Just trying to kill the time
Put a lid on everything in my mind
Every day of my fucking life

The days and nights fade into each other
Flashbacks always overlap one another
Every conversation that I have is manufactured
No one could ever comprehend
Growing up around decomposition

The size of time will break you down I’m sure of it
It doesn’t fit in our narrow perception
It’s crippling my executive function
I’ve got such a fucking way to go
Before
I can put this shit behind me
Before
I can live a life where I’m free
Tethered
For as long as I’ve known
Beaten
Down by the time I’ve wasted here

Blasting through the minutes till I get myself out of this place
I’m raising hell and waging war against all monsters that I face
You won’t be able to fuck me if you had a nations authority
You’ll never get to degrade me and should you try is the day you fucking die



(You won’t make it out alive)
Focus don’t you fuck up the control you have
Recite a list of your surroundings and fight the anxiety
(Your existence is someone’s toy)
I am NOT YOUR RAGDOLL
Touch me again I’ll bite your fucking hands off
You wanna play that way I’ve got my own little game
And it’s so much dirtier than yours
My house will be guarded with enough guns to send
The ATF knocking at my door just to verify that I’m not running around on crystal stockpiling for war time
Just leave me alone bitch, I’ve been fucked with too much and this time might just be fatal for you
You decide motherfucker
You just might get to see the

Size of time
Only when you die
Contemplating my escape is all I ever have the time to do
Social presence isn’t real until I find myself a new
Home to live a new life in
And never fucking do this shit again
I’ve got
So much time
I’ve got so much time

Every day a little closer t’ bursting outta prison
Find the pieces of my scattered soul I’m missing
Fundamentally change the junk ass way I’m living
And end this

The Size Of Time

I made a bunch of songs this year and wanted to get at least one out before 2025 so here it is, more to come soon

To Love What Is, Not What Ought To Be

Trauma is nothing to compete over. It does not matter who has it harder or who has it better, trauma is trauma and it affects us all the same. Competing over who has the worst trauma will get you nowhere, so stop trying. Nobody's trauma is the center of it all, and that is okay. Let's work together instead of against each other over something as insignificant as who's trauma is worse than who's. That's what this song is about.

LYRICS:

Okay I’ve had about enough of this
Glamorization of mental fucking issues and bullshit
You wanna know what it’s like to die every day you’re alive?
Know what it’s like to live every day terrified?

Like being set on eternal fire
Deluded by insecurity
I’ve lost all sense of my identity

I feel it creeping up
Memories that haunt me
I’m losing everything and everyone I ever loved

Maybe it’s the drugs and alcohol in my head
But it looks like you’re trying to compete with what I’ve been through
I won’t play your fucking trauma competition
No matter what it is, it affects all the same

I don’t know
What you’ve seen
But I understand
I’ve always been the type to compare myself to others

But why must we fight?
Over our past?
It says nothing about who we are
It’s just a silly game
Let’s stop playing this stupid fucking game

It brings me back to when I was 10 years old getting beaten with rocks by everybody I knew

SEIZURES, BEATINGS
BEER STUNK BREATH IN HIS BOOMING VOICE
GOD I HATE IT
I’M CONSTANTLY AWARE OF THE FACT THAT I GREW UP WATCHING CHILDREN DIE

DISTRIBUTING ABUSE
FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES
PHYSICALLY TORTURED BY COLLEAGUES
EMOTIONALLY TORTURED BY FAMILY
IMPOSSIBLE CHOICES TO MAKE AT WAY TOO YOUNG OF AN AGE
TRAPPED IN THIS BODY I HATE
THE BOY IN WHICH HE WOULD BERATE
LIVING THIS LIFE THAT I HATE

You wanna compete with that?

I’ve made my point
You don’t have it better or worse than me
Just let it fucking be
I won’t play your fucking trauma competition
I’m gonna work on myself and quit judging others for a change

Trauma Competition

I'm on my way out...

[This Place Is Killing Me]

There aren’t enough verses I could write
That could possibly describe the agony I’m living in
Chained down to a tether against my consent
And viewed as an alien when I show resentment

Drop the fucking metaphors for a second
I’m being abused in the most sneaky way
It don’t look like much but 20 years will damage your brain beyond repair
Relinquish all control over your own fucking life
FOR THE SAKE OF SURVIVAL

Painful sensations consuming 
your body with no words to properly define them

Flashing images of rape and murder on a day by day
Denial of a child that passed away at the age of eight
Pictures on the wall that should spark love only seems to spark hate
Negging little fucking gestures that degrade everything you’ve made

It’s all I’m exposed to
Just people who hate you
And told that this is just how the world works
The more pounds that I lose
From stress of mental abuse
Brings me closer to the form of a corpse


This is consuming me
Nobody hears me
And if they did I’d have nothing to say
Other than

This place is Hell

Go ahead deflect it
Go into complex detail about how I’m milking it
Cause I’m little kid trying to get my cookie at the table of victims
Right?
Well not when you’ve lived it
It’s not a psychiatric problem you fucking pathologist
That’s a side effect of this place that I’m stuck in
Nothing I do ever fucking works
It just makes it worse
When will this end?
When will I get out of here?

Sucked into a black hole every time I go to sleep
The atoms of my body are separating
Spaghettified into distortion

This
Place
Is
Killing me

Cutting into my skin
Is all that sedates within
Rock bottom’s a sky scraper away
Get me somewhere fucking safe

If I’m gonna die make it happen now or never
Cause this is torture for the sake of misery
I can’t take it anymore I’m leaving this year
By any means necessary my escape is my victory
Over the bastards who did this shit to me
And continue to act like they’ve done NOTHING
But this shit is fucking crippling me
So let the record say
That this will be the final sound I make
Until I find myself a home

God Doesn't Cry

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