Name: I’m Dumb by Half OK D and D
Duration: 4 min 11 s
Description: Lauren busted out her real live guitar and wah pedal for this one. Featuring samples from the Half OK Dungeons and Dragons Podcast Episode #31: "A Truly Terrifying Puppet"

Lauren busted out her real live guitar and wah pedal for this one. Featuring samples from the Half OK Dungeons and Dragons Podcast Episode #31: "A Truly Terrifying Puppet"

I’m Dumb

Thank goodness for Sammy awkwardly licking cupcakes and wondering where the whipped cream is (goddammit Troy! Why did you put it back in the freezer!?!!!). Maura's dramatic gasp and Eric's cheery "roll it!" hold together this tenuous groove. Lauren is not much of a drummer, but she tried to make up for it with a screaming guitar solo. 

Drums, bass, guitar, and whistling by Lauren Clarke.

Awkwardly Licking This Cupcake

Picture Kate Bush and Jodeci's tour busses colliding. As they are waiting for tow trucks to arrive, they discover that they share a love of Dungeons and Dragons. Much like our players, they create their characters to be really hot looking. (See blog post https://halfokdandd.libsyn.com/hot-until-were-not ). Kate Bush and Jodeci stop playing and in their concussed state decide to write a song together, and it sounds like this.

Lyrics, vocals, guitar bass, and all electronic stuff by Lauren Clarke

Because You’re Hot [EXPLICIT] lyrics
6’ 2”, 
Eyes are blue,
Eldritch knight,
Hair as black as night,
Always ready to get turnt into spaghetti,
It’s a hero’s life, be your wife,

Do you wanna get freaky?
Is a rogue sneaky,
Gonna make you mine,
Until I do something asinine,

Because you’re hot,
I made you that way, you’re perfect to me,
Because you’re hot,
Gonna play with you all night long—so long!—take it nice and slow, 
Because I’m hot,
Rolling D20s over and over again,
Because I’m hot,
Gonna play with you until the break of dawn, so long!

Doesn’t matter to my boo, stuck together like glue,
Me and my crew, we may be cuckoo, 
Gotta get to the top of the monolith, destroy an altar,
Never falter, over some soul-juice like a pole vaulter,
Lead me like a little pony with a halter,

Because you’re hot,
I made you that way, you’re perfect to me,
Because you’re hot,
Gonna play with you all night long—so long!—take it nice and slow, 
Because I’m hot,
Rolling D20s over and over again,
Because I’m hot,
Gonna play with you until the break of dawn, so long!

Lookin’ great, until you mutate,
Gonna give it to you, tentacle or two,
Have some fun, rolled a one,
So I come, and then I’m done.

Because You’re Hot [EXPLICIT]

All Ellywick the gnome bard wanted was a trampoline. When she broke her back and could no longer walk, much less do her "Hips Don't Lie" dance, she sold her soul and became a succubus: a seductive temptress with all of Hell has to offer. This is her meditation music.

It Can Change Their Minds

It was a slow day at the library. Sammy had just got a new phone, a Samsung Galaxy, and Eric and Lauren began to serenade her. Lauren mentioned that she had drawn a black stallion for her paper dolls named "Galaxy." 

Eric wrote the lyrics to the "Galaxy" song and they were recited over a campfire at our boss Melissa's house.

"Galaxy" was mentioned in Episode 42 of the podcast, so it made sense to finally record it. Eric always imagined "Galaxy" as an Appalachian folk song, so this was Lauren's attempt at recreating that mood.

Galaxy
By Clarke and Baylis
 
Galaxy, Galaxy
On the bleeding edge of infinity
Gallops across the celestial sea
It’s a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
A starry crown glows o’er thee
You changed my perception of reality
And you’re a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Noble steed of the prairie
Exploring future technology
Brilliant horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
To vouch-safe his life eternally
Swore an oath of enmity
Against god and fate was Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Unlocked the stellar entropy
Reined in the chaos of eternity
With the mighty hooves of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Eats a star’s climactic energy
To power flights of fancy
The solar vampire Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Plumbed forbidden matrices
Reality folded gracefully
Under the tender hooves of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Came to Earth to set men free
Could not abide our probity
Free will is the religion of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Appeared in the sky above Tennessee
Behind iron bars, slipped me the key
Unlocked the love of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Cruised in a van full of candy
Oil-soaked rags became handy
You can’t buck off of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Did a turn in county
Stabbed a man while on ecstasy
 “Blood is fuel,” said Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
That sharpened hoof was handy
We ran away from the city
Deep in the forest I hid with Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Chanting ignites the ceremony
Bathed in blood, cosmic majesty 
At our obedience, god did whinny

Galaxy, Galaxy
Scratched out my eyes and now I could see
A star-less void yawned before me
Elder gods feared the horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Empowered by profane geometries
Wove a spell that ensorcelled me
I submitted to a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Forged a vessel of misery
Bathed with his equine see’d
Love is hate to Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Put a filly inside me
The star child erupted bloodily
Its birth-scream delighted Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Stars drank the milk of his fertility
A Mare obsessed with his progeny
All sexes are one in Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Magical, star-hopping blasphemy
Wanders an interstellar fantasy
As another foal joins Galaxy

[instrumental]

Galaxy, Galaxy
Transcends our petty mortality
And did I mention our morality
Sickens the horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Fit for the finest saddle is thee
We live and die by your bounty
Worshiping a horse named Galaxy.

Galaxy (Folk Ballad Version)

GALAXY HAS BEEN REBORN!!!!

It was a slow day at the library. Sammy had just got a new phone, a Samsung Galaxy, and Eric and Lauren began to serenade her. Lauren mentioned that she had drawn a black stallion for her paper dolls named "Galaxy."

Eric wrote the lyrics to the "Galaxy" song and they were recited over a campfire at our boss Melissa's house.

"Galaxy" was mentioned in Episode 42 of the podcast, kicking off the "Ship of Fools Campaign." Let's see if Lauren can come up with a remix of Galaxy for each episode of the whole campaign!

Galaxy
By Clarke and Baylis

Galaxy, Galaxy
On the bleeding edge of infinity
Gallops across the celestial sea
It’s a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
A starry crown glows o’er thee
You changed my perception of reality
And you’re a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Noble steed of the prairie
Exploring future technology
Brilliant horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
To vouch-safe his life eternally
Swore an oath of enmity
Against god and fate was Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Unlocked the stellar entropy
Reined in the chaos of eternity
With the mighty hooves of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Eats a star’s climactic energy
To power flights of fancy
The solar vampire Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Plumbed forbidden matrices
Reality folded gracefully
Under the tender hooves of Galaxy

...TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

Galaxy (Forbidden Matrices Version)

GALAXY HAS BEEN REBORN!!!!
It was a slow day at the library. Sammy had just got a new phone, a Samsung Galaxy, and Eric and Lauren began to serenade her. Lauren mentioned that she had drawn a black stallion for her paper dolls named "Galaxy."
Eric wrote the lyrics to the "Galaxy" song and they were recited over a campfire at our boss Melissa's house.
"Galaxy" was mentioned in Episode 42 of the podcast, kicking off the "Ship of Fools Campaign." Let's see if Lauren can come up with a remix of Galaxy for each episode of the whole campaign!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Galaxy (Van Full Of Candy Version)

GALAXY HAS BEEN REBORN!!!!
It was a slow day at the library. Sammy had just got a new phone, a Samsung Galaxy, and Eric and Lauren began to serenade her. Lauren mentioned that she had drawn a black stallion for her paper dolls named "Galaxy."
Eric wrote the lyrics to the "Galaxy" song and they were recited over a campfire at our boss Melissa's house.
"Galaxy" was mentioned in Episode 42 of the podcast, kicking off the "Ship of Fools Campaign." Let's see if Lauren can come up with a remix of Galaxy for each episode of the whole campaign!

Galaxy
By Clarke and Baylis
 
Galaxy, Galaxy
On the bleeding edge of infinity
Gallops across the celestial sea
It’s a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
A starry crown glows o’er thee
You changed my perception of reality
And you’re a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Noble steed of the prairie
Exploring future technology
Brilliant horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
To vouch-safe his life eternally
Swore an oath of enmity
Against god and fate was Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Unlocked the stellar entropy
Reined in the chaos of eternity
With the mighty hooves of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Eats a star’s climactic energy
To power flights of fancy
The solar vampire Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Plumbed forbidden matrices
Reality folded gracefully
Under the tender hooves of Galaxy




Galaxy, Galaxy
Came to Earth to set men free
Could not abide our probity
Free will is the religion of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Appeared in the sky above Tennessee
Behind iron bars, slipped me the key
Unlocked the love of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Cruised in a van full of candy
Oil-soaked rags became handy
You can’t buck off of Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Did a turn in county
Stabbed a man while on ecstasy
 “Blood is fuel,” said Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
That sharpened hoof was handy
We ran away from the city
Deep in the forest I hid with Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Chanting ignites the ceremony
Bathed in blood, cosmic majesty 
At our obedience, god did whinny


Galaxy, Galaxy
Scratched out my eyes and now I could see
A star-less void yawned before me
Elder gods feared the horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Empowered by profane geometries
Wove a spell that ensorcelled me
I submitted to a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Forged a vessel of misery
Bathed with his equine see’d
Love is hate to Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Put a filly inside me
The star child erupted bloodily
Its birth-scream delighted Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Stars drank the milk of his fertility
A Mare obsessed with his progeny
All sexes are one in Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Magical, star-hopping blasphemy
Wanders an interstellar fantasy
As another foal joins Galaxy

[instrumental]


Galaxy, Galaxy
Transcends our petty mortality
And did I mention our morality
Sickens the horse named Galaxy

Galaxy, Galaxy
Fit for the finest saddle is thee
We live and die by your bounty
Worshipping a horse named Galaxy

Galaxy (Love Is Hate Version)

From Episode 46 of the Half OK Dungeons and Dragons Podcast: "Ship of Fools: Thanks for Looting My Uncle's Corpse"

Grave Robbing

In memory of Hortense

Song, lyrics and artwork by Lauren Clarke

5 Syringes
Hortense was unwell,
Perhaps she deserved this Hell,
A puppet made a choice for her,
The rest is just a blur,

Maybe she didn’t care what happened,
Maybe she was just curious,
Who knows, who knows what she imagined,
Her motives were mysterious,

She found them,
She didn’t steal,
Something broken inside,
She couldn’t heal,

Take one and then another?
“Why not all at once?”
The puppet utters,
And she was in concurrence,

One—her eyes grew to one-foot stalks!
Two—a drooling, whispering mouth!
Three—now weighs a ton!
Four—tentacles for arms!
Five—throwing up boiling blood.

This song was inspired by Episode 47 “Soul Plane, Part 1: Golden Collars” of the Half OK Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Hortense Glorybeard, a severely mentally ill dwarf (played by Danielle) once found five syringes filled with mysterious green ooze. Her truly terrifying hand puppet convinced her to jam all five syringes in at once, and the results are unfortunate. RIP, Hortense.

5 Syringes

This song features samples and was played in Episode 48 of the Half OK Dungeons and Dragons Podcast. Song and artwork by Lauren Clarke

https://halfokdandd.libsyn.com/episode-48-we-get-another-ship-to-destroy

Another Ship To Destroy

We are Half OK Dungeons and Dragons, an adults-only D & D podcast. Here are some weird songs, most have samples from our podcast and artwork by our players.

I’m Dumb

Half OK D and D

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