it starts out all nice, then fades into sadness and endings
but at least endings present a long-awaited opportunity to have something you wondered about
that ends because nice things do
distract self with job and spending money on shit
then someone is just like you and that doesn't work either because being with yourself is elucidating
and elucidating is triggering
being stoic and emotionless is better than being a stereotype
you want everything right now even the bad
but everything isnt happiness

year like this (2019)

i only write when my heart breaks
there's power in regret
i would stand out in the rain
saying 'i don't feel it yet'

tell me all your dirty secrets
i want to feel alive!
do i fall for honesty,
or fall because i have no spine?

you know the games i like to play
my innocence makes it okay
to live inside this sweet decay
maybe disappointment is in my dna!!!

i start to feel a little seen
i brought it on myself
sitting on your couch feeling
things i wish id never felt

i write with broken undertones
im sitting in the dark
i hate my tendency to love
i wait for something in the car

i know the games you like to play
your ignorance makes it okay
to live inside this sweet decay
maybe disappointment is in my dna???

dna (2019)

sung with severe, chronic tonsillitis 

you say "im scared of you"
i did what anyone would do
you might say pretty things
but fall to pieces when the phone rings

i turned the light on, just flicked the switch
and now youre going to tell me that im the bitch
you turn the light off, its getting hot
but when i touch you feel like a robot

you say her name softly
when youre lying next to me
you know that youre a mess
but act like theres no consequence

i turned the light on, just flicked the switch
and now youre going to tell me that im the bitch
you turn the light off, its getting hot
but when i touch you feel like a robot

install me
ignore me
leave me lonely
you used me
need a reboot
maybe im a robot too...

i turned the light on, just flicked the switch
and now youre going to tell me that im the bitch
you turn the light off, its getting hot
but when i touch you feel like a robot

but how can i love without a heart?
can you build one with broken parts
"brains do not make one happy 
and happiness is the best thing in the world"

robot 🤖

4. you can't do what you love because that's not realistic, so you play the game cuz everyone else is playing and you can't win if you don't 

making beds makes money
and that just makes my day
nothing makes me happier
than to throw it all away

being a bitch makes poetry
and being with you is sad
so i hold on to my memories
like theyre all ill ever have

i have a list of things id like to do
pinned up against reality
pulled myself away from hope
to see what would come back to me
passions are sleeping, lay low to be free
ear to the ground
to hear how the money speaks

moneys made of paper
and papers made of trees
trees are made of stardust
and stardust turned into me

you might say im money
and i might say youre right
i held myself around the neck 
and kept me up all night

money speaks

6. then you turn your whole relationship into a game because its better than being a butt hurt bitch

you made this mess
now i bathe in innocence
you might be calculating 
but i play with common sense

you took the bait
and now you pray to stay afloat
hook, line and sinker
im here laughing in the boat

(that is the best metaphor i have ever heard)

you want attention but you wont get it from me
mainline affection while i love in similies
feed on deception just to get us through the day
but we wont think twice while were digging out grave

(beautiful, it sounds exactly like every song ive ever written before
like, theres just nothing unique about it)

it's love baby (throwaway)

1. a throwback to 16 - you're in love and you want more and everything that is bad seems really good

i like the way you wear scarves in the summer
and that stupid look on your face
i like the way you walk with such purpose
and the way you ignore me

if anyone says i cant love you
im gonna prove them wrong
we'll park the car in the backstreet
when they come looking, we're gone

i want that kind of love
that makes me wear my shoes  in the bed
i wanna be the kind of fine
that makes you wonder where the hell we've been
hey im into you
i can tell you all the things that id like to do
if you havent noticed i want to know you

i like the way you text me underneath the table
you laugh when everything is wrong
ive heard every word theyve said
but ive loved you all along

you might be seventeen
with your hands behind your back
dont know why you act so mean
or what youre playing at

i want to know you

2. give chances cuz love, get burned cuz vulnerable, be open-hearted cuz its been forever and it was meant to be forever, move on and ignore everything cuz that's much easier

washed my mouth out with soap
always liked to keep it clean
took my hands in your hands
then put my in a guillotine

tied me to my phone
left me out on the street
kicking on the door
while you were falling asleep
rubbed some salt in the wound
oh thats just like you
so much like you
i like-like you

sitting here in silence
all the places that we have been
took my hands in your hands
like you did when you were seventeen

time to take it all back
didnt mean it like that
skating on thin ice
until we fall through the cracks
you painted us blue
oh thats just like you
so much like you
i like-like you

i tell stories about you and theyre never nice
wouldnt want to remember the things that i liked
i feel defeated by the holidays
im lonely in an unfixable way

i look through the windows at a faded scene
wouldnt want to remember the places weve been
i feel defeated by the holidays
im lonely in an unfixable way

im lonely in an unfixable way

like you

8. youre really really determined not to be labelled with any more stereotypes, so you pass all the tests with flying colours 

put me thru the ringer
give me the third degree
turn me into sand
then make a sandcastle of me

i take my meds like vitamins
then wait to feel something
i go to bed at 9pm
too tired to fall asleep

im in the 'too hard basket' 
pushed underneath the bed
i took a dip in innocence
and got pulled down like lead

tell me do i make mistakes
or do mistakes make me?
youre too good to be true
misery loved company

im a fool, i cant take a hint
you got to spell it out for me
im a bitch, i can take a hit
so baby, TAKE A SWING AT ME
ill set this on fire
with relentless desire
what does this mean for me
does it make me crazy?

dont call me crazy
I LOVE U BBY

crazy

some mornings i wake up 
and just want to be medicated
mum says "get some sun"
but the morning light has faded
i dont have you
i have me, myself and places
try to find the light 
but dont know which way im facing

ten-thirty and everything is blurry
you said it twice 
like you wanted it to hurt me
make it about me
go back to where we were
dont know about you
but everything's a blur

blurry (throwaway)

7. and ultimately the relationship reaches its end and that's not really surprising because the end was coming when it started

im over it and under you
i think ill always be confused
sugar melts in my mouth
you bruised me inside and out

acid in the afternoon
while im dying in my bedroom
dont let yourself get too close
youll end up with your hands around my throat

it starts to cut, ive had enough
im so good at giving up
i pack a bad and catch a train
nowhere feels too far away

salt in an open wound
now im crying in your bedroom
wont let myself get too close
ill end up with my hands around your throat

sunlight falls on the bed
i dont want to be alone again
i keep myself in the dark
to walk away with an unbroken heart

gone

12. you do everything right, you tell yourself 'its progress', but you're right back where you started

face turned to the light
like i was born to be alive
i took what i could get
while god was making bets
(sometimes its hard to feel like u in the right place, and that u only ended up here on gods whim)

pieces become a whole
and places become a home
its always raining on my rainchecks
i guess i want to know whats coming next
(so you start to put things together and build them up, and hope it will feel better soon)

talk to me, take me back
ill be so good for you
beautiful things are hard to catch
so ill paint them blue
(ill try to be better but im scared ill never get what i want, so ill downplay them) 

picking up your pieces with bare hands
thats the kind of love i understand
even if i found my missing parts 
it would never be enough

the kind of love you only get to borrow
youre going to heaven tomorrow

never be enough

3. an ironic reflection on your concealed bitterness about not being loveable enough 

nswf- whoops, too late

daddy

11. you wait to fall back into things that you know aren't going to be very good for you, while pushing away things that could be nice and good and warm and kind

i have realised that i am not very good at letting things be; accepting that things will happen as they happen, and letting them lie where they fall. 

instead, i try to have everything at once, even the things that i dont want or need, or that need to be let go. 

this leads to a push and pull of emotions; drawing in and pushing away. this idea is the premise of the 'sicker' metaphor.

sicker

13. if things were different you probably wouldn't recognise them so you might as well take the bad things and make them good (in a destructive way)

capo 1 am f c g, am f dm e
imagine if the ocean jumped out of its place
not sure how id react to feeling so estranged
i get that feeling thinking about the other day
i get that feeling when you tell me that ive changed

i might slip
ive never been too good on two feet
you write the rules ill never read
and i can be everything you need
because i take the salt and make it sweet

everyone knows where i have been and what ive done
i try to laugh it off and say 'im having fun'
ive tried, ive tried to find my place
i pack up my pathology and leave without a trace

maybe ill find my peace sitting on a park bench
making small talk with the pigeons asking where it went
maybe i have been fooled by feeling incomplete
i taste the salt on my tongue and like it like its sweet

sweet

9. your unresolved feelings come back to bite you and you won't believe its over until its OVER

i know you remember how it used to be
throwing flames until we caught fire
i know the impression that it left of me
now we’re silent like we’re holding the wire 

i'd suffer the cold to live the dream
trade the truth for your forgiveness 
i'd suffer the guilt to feel free
i’m loving living life like this 

won't say it’s over til you kiss me in the coffin
i want to hear you say you never want to see me again
i have no mouth and I must scream 
i love this night mare like a dream

year like this (2019)

Harriet